Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

Just wanted to share this - we recently went to the funeral of a friend who had died very unexpectedly aged just 70. He was estranged from one of his sons - the usual story - son`s wife didn`t want contact with his family. Things had got pretty bad and we didn`t expect the son to be at the funeral - but he was there and he was very upset. I suspect that deep down he had always assumed that one day he and his dad would be friends again. I really believe that in most cases these lads do still need their mums and dads - but, very sadly, they don`t always realise before it is too late. I do wonder what this particular son`s relationship with his wife will be like now that he knows she has, in effect, stopped him from ever seeing his father again.

Here goes

Yogsgirl thanks got appt at dentist for fri to check can wait til reg chap back on 9th Aug

Poor husband making huge fuss about his cough bless, he got get in on act?

So excited seeing new baby on Friday hope dh be better by then.

Yogsgirl read the poem on Facebook I just shared about losing a child it is very poignant and sums it all up, like how it is even. Sad when you feeling ok about life because somehow I do t ever want to forget my daughter or get over losing her stupid that it sounds because of course I have to.

Bernadette Moyer on letting go is brilliant I think also.
Have you seen her Facebook page it can help all of us.

Well Rosie on more antibiotics but recovering well,
Things settling managed get washing out between showers.??

SmilelessGood for you to write that note. It is like turning to the last page of a chapter in a book. Now you can begin a new one. I'm sure your leaving and note has caused some anxiety in your son. Not that you want him to be anxious but you did what your heart wanted.

Celebgran hope your tooth is not too painful today and you get it sorted out quickly The pain in your tooth will disappear, but sadly the pain in your heart will never go[same here] It's a Mother's curse, to always love her child, no matter what!

Or dad, sorry dad

Rosy Your Son is a good husband and dad, but he should speak up for you, his mum, to see your dear granddaughter. Your d.i.l doesn't have to visit you, your Son & GD can visit without her, it's just too cruel what's being done to you [and all of us] How can someone stay in a marriage that entails cutting off your mum for no reason [same with my D] that's not a good marriage! I would never have done it to my mum or sister or brother.

Dear Smileless well done on your final email to your Son I did the same, months back, and I too felt tons better for it, and now don't feel the need to again. I still wake in the mornings though, with like a shiver down my spine at what's happened!

Omg beautiful garden sorry still tired I think

Sorry iPad meant twin brother and 6 close friends plus numerous friends acquaintances having lived here over 30 years, excellent neibor said too wh kindly waters my bestie up garden while away,

No luckylegs she wasn't estranged but a kind lady wintered up to try and help fromtimemtomtime maybe wendysue is busy or unwell hope not,

If you do have a few friends where you are then please stay and try not to get to disappointed about your son. I agree men dont always put things tactfully. However I still think it was extremely selfish almost unbelievable to say the grandchildren didn't. Need help and they wanted freedom. Best he was honest.

Our dear son keeps encouraging us to move near they live 200miles away sorry I do t mean to be tactless however we belong to 2 social clubs and have about 6 really good friends (3 couples) plus my nephew and little ones including new baby and my two. Brother so we would t move but I love it that he suggests it.

Well dentist v helpful just rang my own now back in England, she made me appt for friday with senior dentist as my own not back until 9th August just to check if I need more antibiotics, poor husband has awful cold may have been why he was irritable.

We found out from friend of our daughter she done blog about her illness it cut me to the quick that she didn't have enough compassion to let her mum know how she was despite our reaching out taking orcnid, flowers, semding vestibule card and cheque, pleading for information yest she can tell strangers it hurts so much but I can't change it. I have to accept it is what it is, and I am so relieved she is making good recovery.
She is slightly bragging about being pharmacist and try so hard not to be bitter about all support we gave her, 4 years driving 400mile round trip and me doing rubbish retail jobs for her food money I put in her account each month. So very sad that now we nt even worth telling when she nearly died,

Sorry I am Trying keep positive but it hurts very badly.

Smilelss will pm you very courageous thing to let it go Bernadotte Moyer does wonderful blog called letting. It go. I really am trying,

King that it is of her ex friend to let us know Stuff Some ways it just hurts us all over again,

Wendysue, does anyone know what has happened to her?

Pollengran, I appreciate your kindness, you are of course right, I must stay here, I would go like a shot if I thought they wanted me near, but also know that he could make time to visit if he wanted to. He will be here if I really needed him to be, otherwise he leads a very busy life and wants to get on with it and one day he might have his own grandchikdren to welcome.
Rubylady, I hardly think he will distance himself like your D, but it will be a big change for you, empty nest syndrome. However knowing how close you have been, I bet it's not long before he arrives back, probably with a bag of washing and a friend in tow, so good luck with the future.

I've been on ebay and amazon, getting myself some new things for when my DS leaves home. One side of the coin is all "yeah, let's party!" and the other is totally devastated, bringing back the hurt of my ED. She changed more when she went to University so I do hope that it doesn't happen with him too. Even though we argue, we love each other dearly and I don't think I could bear with him not being in touch too. Tears are always close at the moment. But I am trying to look forward and plan for my own future, it is just hard sometimes.

Smileless I really feel for you, you have been through the mill, you really have, you and your husband. I admire you for having the courage to write that e mail, it couldn't have been easy even though it lifted the weight off your shoulders. It is still not as you would wish it to be. But we can't change what we can't change. You look after yourselves and look to the future with the ones who care for you, including us. X

Luckylegs It would seem that your son wants his own independence now that his children have grown up a bit. I got this treatment off my ED when we were talking. She was adamant that I wasn't to move anywhere near her, even though my DGS's are only little. I decided not to go eventually as I don't want to be somewhere I am not wanted, and I will build up my own life here, not connected to anyone else in the family. Maybe this is what you should do, build up your own life, have your own friends and concentrate on them. Probably if he sees this, he might be a bit more forthcoming in his visits etc. All the best wishes to you, X

Love and thoughts to all others who are going through tough times and are trying to move on. Keep your chin up, be good to yourselves and thank you for all your support.

I can't get your dilemma out of my mind luckylegs. Your posts have been so honest and sad. Unfortunately, I think the idea of older parents moving closer can seem worrying for children, when the GC are getting independent. They may also be making plans for the future without their children and thinking of moving to other areas.

Your son may have been phrasing things in the way that men do (always wrong) but I agree with Anya. Stay where you have friends.

If your friends are still leaving you feeling lonely then consider how your future might suit you (imagine) and possibly do that.

I read your post out to some of my family, and we can understand your sons response, but we feel he was clumsy, but at the same time, taking care of you if he decided to move away and you were left alone.
Best wishes xx

Well done luckylegs me too got cut back on everything for next 5 weeks before cruise??

Well done Smileless, you did your best. Celebregran, that sinking feeling when you get home is awful, I don't go away for ages and I know when I do and come home it all hits me again. Rosy, what an awful position you are in, your dil sounds a realy controlling person. Does she not think she might one day grow old!
Can't offer you all a drink, because I think the reason I am not losing weight is I have hobs very generous with my glass size if late, so giving it up during the week. So that's cholocolate and drink and puddings out, I can understand how people just give up and get fat.

Agree with Anya a very unselfish thing to say to your Es

I think my ed ks set free she sees absolutely no need to contact us even to update us on her health despite us reaching out and pleading to be allowed to help so we have to accept its over too.

Sadly that does t stop it hurting or ,make me feel free I wish to Goodness it did.

Smilelss that made me cry I think you are such brave lady

We returned from fantastic my holiday in Ireland and the beautiful wedding and yet I feel low soon as got home, expect just,tired, and my cousin and his wife have 3 little grandchildren now, plus mymsister talking about hers and why should t she but it is still painful. Do so wish it didn't hurt still guess it always will.

Expect being on antibiotics for tooth abscess. To helping either??
At least i survived take off and landing which dentistwarned would be trigger, little painful but responding to nurofen.

So good get Rosie back!???

Wonderful to be able to see how well new thread going so proud of all the poster and thanks so much for good wishes, wi fi was great at breach house as was our palatial room?

Home for 5 weeks now until cruise so moving forwards as thread says??Sorry for bit of sad blip.

I still go. Through so many emotions ranging from sadnes, to anger and yest if you can get rid of anger and bitttterness Smilless you don't better than me well done, xx

Smileless, I feel that you have handled everything perfectly in the circumstances. I doubt you will ever let go of the love you have for your son, but love is a good emotion to hang onto. If you can lose the anger and bitterness, the hurt and pain will hopefully lessen. Whilst you are bringing a curtain down for now, there is always hope for the future. In my experience, young people's feelings, and consequently their lives, can change in a heartbeat. You will always be his mother, that can never be changed....the rest I won't voice, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

I've just had a lovely long chat with my son. The wedding they attended was abroad, so they have had a holiday too. He told me how sad he felt seeing "the other side" with his little one, knowing how I would be feeling. He is a damn good man, so full of integrity, and that is why I will never do anything to make things even more difficult for him. I asked him if he felt that I had done anything to contribute to how things are - I needed to hear him say it - and he said a very definite no. He wonders if it may be a cultural thing, but it's not being admitted to. Anyway, It's enough for me to know, for now at least, that he and I are singing from the same hymn sheet.

My beautiful granddaughter is becoming quite bi-lingual, and it's so funny watching her lovely face in the vids, attempting to talk to a little dog in two languages. She really is so like her daddy, although apparently the "outlaws" don't think so! Hmmmm!

Thank you Av1dreaderand Anya. That's your second from me today Anya, just sent you one on the 'Brexit Watch 2' thread.

I hope that will set him free too

That's a lovely thing to say smileless

Sorry last post was for Smileless

I think you and your husband are very brave and I wish you all the best in your new home.

Well dear friends, on Sunday I sent my 'goodbye' email to our ES.

He never replied to my request to see our GC, never even acknowledged so it was quite literally a heart stopping moment when on Saturday I saw that he'd emailed us, re leaving.

It was a short and rather cryptic email about us seeing in others what we should be seeing in ourselves. I didn't understand why he'd felt the need to send it until Mr. S. said he'd emailed him the previous week, to say one last time that we love him and to say goodbye. Unfortunately, he had been unable to resist the temptation take a final swipe at our d.i.l., hence ES's response.

I hadn't intended to contact him in fact had made my mind up never to do so again but rightly or wrongly, I just couldn't leave it at that, with him once again denying any responsibility and putting all of the blame on to us, so I emailed him.

I wasn't nasty but I didn't shy away from the reality of our estrangement and what's caused it. I told him at the end that I realised some of what I'd written would seem harsh but that I'd always been open and honest with him and saw no reason to change; after all what difference would it make now.

I told him that I'd always love him, there is a piece of my heart with his name on it and it belongs only to him, then I said goodbye.

It took me ages to get it just right, to make it as loving and as honest as possible and the moment I hit 'send' I felt as if a weight was being lifted. I think I've wanted to say goodbye for some time but was always afraid of doing so. It's so final and doing it brought home to me with vivid clarity that our relationship is indeed over. But I needed that clarity, I had to stop pretending things might one day change, might improve, that he might relent and if nothing else allow us to see our GC.

Taking the decision to move was the beginning of that goodbye, I can see that now and realised on Sunday that that wasn't enough, that I really had to say the word.

I hope that in saying goodbye to him, I've also said goodbye to the pain, anger and bitterness that has too often been a black cloud over my life, that has cast a shadow over what I am so very fortunate to have. A wonderful husband, son and d.i.l., family and friends.

I believe that saying goodbye has set me free and I hope that it will set him free too.