Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

Good post again Eddiecat

My crime was to love and adore my Daughter & Granddaughter that lived with me [no GD's dad in the pic] before 'he' came along, and then to adored their Son, my GS, when he was born. I was at both births and adored them all, I had no problem with my s.i.l and had no idea he had a problem with me till I was cut out of my beloveds lives, helped by his equally jealous mum!

Hope your back feels easier Celebgran NO gardening! worse thing for bad backs!

Exactly eddiecat and fairydoll I have no intention of raking up past for Betty b benefit,

Yogagirl smilelss, lucklegs, eddiecat rhinestone mumsy sorry if forgotten anyone we do understand each other,

Anyone fortunate enough not to be estranged just be thakful life can change in a heartbeat.

Starlady letter was cutting me off 8 years ago same time as s I law rang rang daughter godparents cutting them off ditto rest of family.

That's in the past now.

Present is very painful ref back I overdid it yesterday gardening and housework.?Back v painful now,

Or to have a crime committed against you and the judge says, 'Well, you must have done something to provoke it.'

eddiecat. You are perfectly correct.....no one really knows.

Ladies, please let`s not get into a "discussion" with BettyB. Someone who has never been in this situation will never accept that we haven`t done anything to trigger the estrangement.
I`m sure that all of us have tried and tried to put things right - and been met with a brick wall. She is very fortunate that she doesn`t know what it feels like. Just imagine, Betty, what it is like to be found guilty of a crime that you have not committed and to have no chance of being released from this appalling situation.

You say that "Yes I got it wrong and made mistakes but so did she it takes 2" meaning you have been told what upsets ED?

Your ED wrote a letter? Did you examine yourself and take any of her thoughts to heart? She gave you information on the issues, what did you do with that information?

This is what I meant, there are always clues, there is always another side, even if the EP doesn't think it's important or true or what have you.

Wait... celebgran... your ED wrote you a letter? I must have missed that or perhaps it was in another thread I haven't read.

Recently? Or when she first cut you out?

So very sorry that it was full of insults! How awful! I can't imagine having written something like that to my mother even when we were having "issues!" Are there any clues in the insults about what she's angry about?

BettyB

I don't know what your life experiences are BUT a lot of things can happen 'out of the blue* for which there are no logical explanations.

If everything in your experience has been cut and dried, then you are undeed very fortunate.

Fairy doll exactly I hav ereached the point withnhelp of counselling when as counsellor said to me the letter my daughter wrote was full of insults about me whihcnsaid more about her than me, I hadn't thought of it like that and I hav finallynlet go of being the big bad wolf

I know I loved her like i still do and did all I could for her.
Yes I got it wrong and made mistakes but so did she it take s 2

I no longer feel that weight of guilt because of course it wasn't all my fault,
My counsellor said last week if it was then you wouldn't have
Suchngood relstionship with your son and nephews family etc.

Let it go is best way fairydoll. .

I Totally agree it was an unkind post.

I'm afraid estrangement CAN 'out of the blue.' . If both parties are not open and honest with each other, then one of them could hold a simmering resentment unbeknown to the other. It could be totally unjustifiable but one day it boils to the surface and estrangement occurs.

Sometimes, after an AC takes a partner who, for reasons of their own, has issues with her/his inlaws there's a possibility they will 'persuade' the AC to cut contact with their parents.

It happens!

Following on - generally, people who have been cut out of their AC's life's do a lot of soul searching, apologising and beating themselves up. However, there comes a time when you can only eat so much humble pie so, for your own sanity, you let it go.

BettyB, what an unkind post , did you have to? It takes two parties to sort out an estrangement, if the adult child refuses to speak to you, severing all contact, not answering a phone call or a letter, you are banned from visiting, can you advise please, just how you can sort it. I forcoecwoukd appreciate it.

Mee too lucklegs having spent 8 years writing, sending cards presents to our littlegrandaughters and never ever getting response. Not even a courteous Thank you.. we have offered to meet up on neutral ground our daughter has been asked by the police (s I law went to them to complain of harassment) to atrend mediaitonk zero we have said repeatedly we are sorry for anything we could have done to upset her.
Zero response.

So yes i too wouodmbe very interested to know how we can end estrangement, it takes 2?

I second that Eddiecat

You have zero understanding BettyB

I just wanted to add - I do understand why people who haven`t had this experience find it difficult to believe that estrangement can happen without provocation. I would have felt the same before it happened to me. That is why it came as such a terrible and bewildering shock.

Don`t worry Lucky - I`m ignoring BettyB`s post. Most of us who post on this thread know only too well that it is possible for estrangements to happen when we haven`t done anything wrong - and it is impossible to end estrangements when one party has absolutely no desire to do so

Should have read, I for one.!

BettyB, what an unkind post , did you have to? It takes two parties to sort out an estrangement, if the adult child refuses to speak to you, severing all contact, not answering a phone call or a letter, you are banned from visiting, can you advise please, just how you can sort it. I forcoecwoukd appreciate it.

eddie Actually it's not at all helpful to your problem to say I don't understand what happened, "estrangement with our DIL came completely out of the blue". You can shield yourself from criticism, however you lose the relationship. So it's important to choose what means more, your relationships, or the notion you have not doing anything wrong. Estrangements where there exists no abuse or mental problems aren't one sided both parties are to blame. Understanding your part in estrangement is supreme to it ending.

Oh eddycat so sorry it's sad we left so vulnerable isn't it?

My dear son 39 today love him so much must be thankful have him

Celeb - I`m the same. The estrangement with our DIL came completely out of the blue, so now if there is the slightest hint of a disagreement with a family member I feel completely panic stricken.

Star lady I really wonder that too and. MOre to the point if they even care?

I speak only for myself of course, but if we have any upset with other people friends, family, I am so vulnerable now and doubt myself as to wether it is my fault even if I realise it isn't if that makes sense.

It has left me very scarred.

Oh well back to chOres, trying hard despite pain in back to get few jobs done today

Reading all this, I wonder if adult DDs or DSs who CO their parents this way ever realize how much hurt, self-doubt, and shame they cause?

I know smileless I really can feel your pain we too were so very proud of my lovely daughter, when she got a first in pharmacy I had given her total emotional and financial support over 4 years at uni backwards and forwards to Bath uni a 200mile trip each way. Sometimes we even drove there and back in a day to visit her if she was homesick it doesn't seem possible now,

Then her wedding day it was a happy day but I felt then that s I law family were becoming her priority. She turned to hug her sis in law before me which hurt.

Still no point looking back is there? Although bittersweet memories are all we have now,

On positive note had lots lovely cuddles with my great niece and gosh she does look grow. Up now, all proudly wearing silver bangle we got her for Xmas, it is lovely to see gifts we chose appreciated.

Yes Starlady it is a chilling thought, that someone can come into your AC's life and after all that you've shared, after having had the relationship you once had, it's destroyed. IMO, ultimately the responsibility lies with our ES for allowing it to happen.

Our estrangement started with her; a chilling thought indeed and a terrifying one when it comes to pass.

Thank you for that YogagirlI think you're right. Having got through the move and settled so well and so quickly, I think GC's 5th birthday quite literally hit me.

Perhaps your ESS told his sister that he didn't want his dad to know about his surgery Rhinestone. It's very difficult for siblings in this situation who continue to have their sibling relationship and their relationship with their parents.

We told our son last summer that we didn't want to discuss his brother or our estrangement with him any more. There were times when the 3 of us became quite angry about it, often due to us not being prepared to do what our DS thought we should do.

I know how Mr. S. felt a couple of years ago Celeb when he spent the day in hospital with a suspected heart attack. No word from ES even though his brother had 'phoned him (we were in Aus. at the time). It would have been better if he'd not told him, or at least told us that he'd told him then we wouldn't have known that he really doesn't care. Ignorance can be bliss sometimes. Your ED's failure to respond would have been devastating for you both.

If, God forbid, either of us were seriously ill we wouldn't want ES to know. That said we wouldn't tell our DS not to contact him as it wouldn't be right to out him in that position. We would tell him he'd have to do what was best for him, but if he did tell his brother he should make it clear that it wasn't what we wanted and we wouldn't want any contact.

I too am ashamed Celeb of our ES. We used to be so proud of him, always giving him encouragement, attending every parents' evening when he was at school and every award ceremony when he was at college. In the 4 years he was there, he won an award every year culminating in the single 'Student of the Year' award for the entire college, not just his course. I cried tears of joy and pride that evening; who'd have thought he'd reduce me to tears or sorrow and shame.

Well done for going to acquacise.

Sorry about iPad typos been acquacise first time for ages and feeling so tired,

Rhinestone was my daughter had pulmonary embolisms no one had decency to tell us found out via f book??.

Broke my heart ❤️ again her godfather drove usmover and took orchid flowers and card s i law drew curtains in ourmfacd and daughter drove off it upset her dad so much sadly I don't expect any different now.

Likewise I have been ill and in horrendous pain for 3 months on. morphine and 60mg.
COdeine but poor husband felt she should know when I was taken to hospital however she didn't respond. It hurts so much to think yourmwn daughter really does t care

Sorry rhinestone absolutely step son no need for such secrecy is there?

I have had could good days since doom and gloom of last sat when smileless and I had wobbles at same time

Do hope u have perked up too smileless

Starlady thank u I did my nest my son is decent and compassionate one out f two?

When ournelderly neibor has sent such lovely cards and letters over years to my daughter and been ignored each time i do feel ashamed,