Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

SmilelessI'm so sorry you had a bad day. I'm sending you a hug and hope for a better one today.
I'm sorry I can't remember whose daughter had the life threatening surgery. Yogagirlor Celebgran but now I know how you feel. We just found out my ESS had back surgery. My stepdaughter did not tell her dad but my daughter saw ESS mom's post on Instagram about some type of recuperation. I had to ask my friend who teaches with my ESS what happened. My stepdaughter told her dad from the beginning she didn't want to get involved. How cruel is that too or am I being petty?

Thank you for your wise words, Smileless and your good wishes. In return, I hope that your estrangement comes to an end someday. Perhaps not with dil but, as you say, with ds and the gc (getting to spend time with them, if only occasionally).

Celebgran, just as you told Yogagirl not to blame herself, you shouldn't accuse yourself of not having " taught my daughter any decency of compassion." I'm sure you did, but, somehow, other factors have gotten in the way.

Debbi, are you suggesting that a dil can undo what a ds was taught and make him less "decent and compassionate?" After all the years of loving and raising him? Chilling thought!

Do you think it could be the same for sils and dds? I'm fortunate, I guess, in that I have a lovely (most of the time) dd and sil. But still, another chilling thought!

(((Hugs))) Luckylegs!

Quite right Debbi

for you Luckylegs

Thinking about how upset your were Smileless It was also the fact that you were so busy just before, with your holiday in Florida and then your move, then Xmas. So you were just settling down and then your GS's birthday hit, quite literally!
Hope you are feeling more upbeat today.

Smileless, two boys raised to be decenct and compassionate, while being cut out by one and not the other? The common factor is different d i l s. One is not so nice, decent, empathetic.

Another forum has a question relating to what EGPs should do if they feel there is no return to normalcy with the children and grandchildren. The consensus was children remain in your heart forever.

I don't believe hindsight helps. And nothing does stay the same, even day to day...estrangement is a beast, always morphing. Doing a CO in exchange is not the answer.

Starlady. Even with the 'benefit'of hindsight I'm still none the wiser. The trouble is when you know in your heart that there's no justification for being cut out of your AC's life and your GC's, how could you have seen it coming? There were problems initially with his wife because she was jealous of the relationship I in particular had with our son. When she told me that she'd come to terms with it and realised there was no need to be jealous, I believed her.

Even parents who have a difficult relationship with a d.i.l. or s.i.l. I'm sure never imagine that they'll be cut out completely. You expect to find a way to deal with it, even if that means seeing a bit less of your AC and their GC than you'd like, perhaps seeing very little of their partner and just seeing them with the children, but to be cut out all together.

I hope you'll keep reading this thread, and I hope that you and other GP's who aren't living this awful nightmare never come on here because you too have found yourselves estranged.

Thank you Yogagirl, Lovey, Celeb and Luckylegs.

I'm sure you did teach your ED decency and compassion Celeb by example if nothing else. You have a decent and compassionate son as do we. How could we have raised our children the same and be responsible for being cut out by one and not the other? I'm sorry you're disappointed with today's appointment, did he say if he was going to refer you?

Saturday's gloom has gone thank goodness as I knew it would, just as I know that it'll be triggered again by something else. One day at a time dear friends.

I am the same Smileless, think I am doing well, but then it floors me and I feel back to where I started. The pain I know will never really go. I get scared, worrying if something happens to her, if it did would I have contributed in some way, completely irrational as I wanted more than anything to get on. My grandchildren will be with their mother and not know that I am not bad. I have to comfort myself that it is her decision, her choice, her life, either that or be pressurising her for things to change, to talk, all would be refused, every overture I made was ridiculed or ignored.. The lovely years when the grandchild is small and innocent we have all lost. It is a terrible price you pay for something you don't know you did. I do know that all the worrying and crying doesn't solve anything, so I work really hard at trying to push it to the back of my mind, but every now and then these triggers happen.?

If only but we can't blame ourselves. Yogagirl. No one in this world is perfect we all make mistakes.

I keep thinking if only I had see. Warning if only I hadn't told my daughter I had see. Text running me down, if only but it is what it is.

I feel ashamed I never taught my daughter any decency of compassion so I must take some blame.

Yogagirl please don't blame yourself and please try to let the pain go is hard I know.

Well mynappt was very upsetting he wasn't a spinal consultant just a physiotherapist whose job was to vet the patients either ditch them or refer on to consultant.

Please take note marg09 he was as ignorant as they come and have never has
D misfortune to see anyone quite as unprofessional plus reeking of cigarettes.

What a disappointment

What a kind thought about other grans, Yogagirl! I'll keep reading here then, if you ladies don't mind, so that, yes, maybe I can learn to see "the signs and manage to divert." I sincerely hope that all your situations are resolved someday though I know some of them have lasted a long time.

Thank you Starlady I never knew this sort of estrangement happened either - for no reason, I had heard of estrangement but thought there must be a good reason for it. If we Mothers on here had done something terrible, at least we could say 'Why did I do that!' but when there's nothing
I've thought over the years that if only I had seen this page, it would have given me a forewarning of what could happen, and have thought that other grans looking in on 'our' page will have had that warning and therefore maybe seen the signs and manage to divert.

So very sorry Smileless for your pain of what should have been a vey happy day on your GS 5th Birthday to help cheer you up.
I don't think we can ever get over it or move on, the mothers who have lost their children through kidnap or just disappearing still grieve terribly 20yrs on

I myself had such a bad night last night, tossing & turning, grieving for my once loving D & my GC, just couldn't get them out of my mind, I'd say to myself 'right, clear your mind, listen to your breathing' but then there they were again! It felt like all night long. I just cannot understand how my D can be happy, she knows that L is not with her family that love her so, no one that loved and adored her has watched her [or her brother] grow, all the mile-stones gone My GD for sure, will be shattered when she learns the truth!

Hi! I'm new here and I realize I don't belong in this thread, as, fortunately, I'm not CO from anyone. Just stopping in to say there's so much pain in this thread - my heart is breaking for all of you. I've heard of parents and gps being pushed away but I had no idea it was so common! And most of you don't even seem to know why! I would think your dds or dss would at least have the decency to give you a reason. So sorry that in most cases here they didn't or it was a selfish one.

Smileless hugs and almost telepathy as I had verynbad day yes it does come in ? waves and I was in bits on mollie 5th birthday.
It was Daisy birthdaynthat triggered me.

No margo9 I don't mind naming them.

Smileless, I'm sorry, it gets easier over time.

"know where" come on Smileless.

Yesterday was eldest GC's 5th birthday and for some reason I found it a particularly difficult day. The first birthday was a nightmare as we'd only just been 'cut out, but the subsequent ones hadn't been that bad until yesterday.

I was wondering if it's because it's the first milestone in his life. He's at school full time now, no longer toddling around but a 'big' boy. His first 5 years gone and we only had the briefest of relationships with him.

It's a difficult thing this estrangement isn't it. You feel as if you're coping much better, moving on and re building your life and then WHAM almost out of know where you're hit by a huge wave of sadness.

I cried quite a bit yesterday too, but yesterday was his birthday and today is another day so upwards on onward; until the next wave.

The thing that bothers me the most is that while our children made the decision to estrange themselves, they also did so for their children. Our grandchildren had no say and to me that is the cruelest of all. We have changed our will and will leave a letter to the grandchildren explaining that it was not our choice to be estranged.
Next month it will be two years of estrangement. I no longer care about my stepson and his wife. If they came back into my life I could not have a relationship with them. This little act of theirs is unforgivable in my mind. I'm stubborn about this. I would want my husband to have a relationship with them if he wanted. This may not be the right thing to do but it is how I feel. I only care about the grandchildren especially the older one that I took care of for four years.

Lucklegs I read your post of 24thndec, sorry bit late we were travelling to my son.

Also we had nasty input on Thread which kinda got in way of our normal posts,

Luckily they seem to have gone to play elsewhere now with their weird comments and troublemaking posts,

Regarding my Grandaughters theymwill know exactly what cards and gifts I sent lucklegs as I photograph everything for my oldest Grandaughters blog,

I can totally understand your feelings and to be honest whatever makes your unfeeling happier. We updated our wills before Xmas I will not divulge on here the changes but we feel better now.

Keep strong luckylegs we always here to suport you. Please do treat yourself and the little Cockerpoo idea seems excellent. X

Wendysue I think the moral is nothing stays the same!

We odd on dummy run to find clinic where I am seeing spinal specialist on Monday.

I found counsellor v good yesterday but it distressed me as always and I felt drained for rest of day.

I am glad only one more appt.

All this has made me realize something, ladies. Sometimes someone's feelings about someone else change or they decide they want to speak of them differently. If another person comes along and says "but before you said such and such," even if they mean it in a good way (as I did), it can mess up the change the first person is trying to make. I'm going to be more careful about that in the future.

I hear you, celeb! We're good.

Thanks wendysue, I won't divulge whonsent me pm but like I said nit matters not what forumsmumsre on yummake a balanced unbiased contribution to us and I must apologise I was short with you the pain doesn't help my patience I am afraid,

I love the suport we give each other butmdo try to be wary of disclosing details now I was naieve 4 years ago.

This is public anyone can join we only know and t rust those we built relationship with so be careful ladies

Don't know where your getting that bogus information, celeb. LOL!

As for what you're saying about someone "deliberately" removing themselves from, say, their parents' lives, I totally get your point.