Regrets about being estranged from people..

Yes I think some people are that bad.
People have had a bad childhood, emotionally and physically abused, the victim doesn't need that type of person in their life.

Real abusive and/or toxic people are not like normal people. You cannot talk and explain what they have done to make you feel so low, they won't listen. They can't for a second imagine that they are at fault.

It's the most bizarre relationship. It effected my mental health and had to see a councillor. It contributed to my PND, it effected our marriage.

I had rumours spread about me, lies was told, I had personal medical information talked about like everyday chit chat, my children was picked up and dropped, promises made and broke. We spoke about it and managed to turn it back to our fault. The councillor explained ways to handle people like her and situations we was in, so that's what we did.

She aired everything on social media, had a tantrum because we wasn't making time for her visit (I was in labour with DD2) She then threatened me. Ignored our DDs birthday.

She still to this day tells people she doesn't know why we don't see her anymore and doesn't know what she's done.

Minor disagreements are just part of family life. Everybody is different, they have different opinions and everyone has faults. Falling out over voting is ridiculous!

I truly believe that it takes a certain personality type to 'detach' themselves from their family. I've seen it twice in our family and both 'perpetators' shared several characterises. These included a tendancy to jealousy, being unable to see another's point of view, holding grudges, seeing slights where none were intended, being unable to move on and holding onto the past, mental inflexibility, being incapable of introspection, unable to forgive, to mention a few.

I watched both these woman fall out with everyone around them, initially friends and neighbours and it was always someone else's fault. Then they turned on their family.

Both ended up lonely and isolated as people eventually gave up on them or disassociated themselves from them as they could take no more.

Redheadedmommy. Was your mother in law a bad mother when she raised her son or did she just become so bad as she got older? Did you ever tell her that she was in danger of losing you all if she didn't change? I am interested as I never have known what I did and am trying to make sense of it. I hope you don't mind me asking and am in no way being judgemental or taking sides but it seems such a big step. Perhaps she is happy on her own I don't know.

I hate being estranged. I have tried everything to put things right but to no avail. It us awful to think that someone dislikes you so much they do not want you in their life. I know family and friends that I love, and they have their faults, as have I but would never not see them because one thing was not how I wanted it it be, the good outweighs any minor problem. Why cannot the people that don't agree with one aspect of you, sit down and discuss it rather that just cut and run. I don't understand it. It is also so much easier to just block someone when you are surrounded by husband and family and doing a million things, but often the person that they detach themselves from are elderly or alone or just if no use anymore., is anyone that bad they deserve abondonment?

I have an old work colleague with whom I sporadically keep in touch by letter.

In her last letter, she told me that she no longer saw her only brother and his family because they are on different sides of the Scottish independence debate.

I really can't understand a family falling out about such a thing. Unless a relative or close friend was constantly assailing me with views that I found extremely hateful and despicable, I can't imagine cutting them out of my life. For me, the same applies to the EU campaign.

I was astonished to read on other threads that people are not going to see their relatives, their oldest friends, even their parents - because they voted differently to them (Brexit rather than Remain) in the recent referendum.

Now - I can understand not seeing people who may have evolved as friends over the years, because you realise they are unkind, spiteful, jealous, whatever upsets you, or not seeing relatives because the relationship is abusive or toxic - but not seeing people because they voted differently to you??:
That leaves me speechless, frankly.

That doesn't help you though jemima.
If you could think how you may feel if that person died unexpectedly - relief or regret? If regret, then perhaps you could write to them and express how you feel and ask to meet them somewhere on neutral ground for a chat

Aww Greyduster, that is sad...

There's so much estrangement in my family that my head is whizzing at the moment. I'm a bit like you Greyduster, not sure what I'm supposed to have done but it's true what you say trueblue22, if someone doesn't want the relationship deep down, it won't happen.

Redheadedmommy - I'm so concerned about regret...when people have gone....even when they defo have been a pain in the rear... I really try to accept people for who they are but yer do defo get yer good nature used and abused...

thanks ladies!!

Jem

I now have no contact with any of my late sister's boys. To this day, if I caused them any offence, I am at a loss to know what it was, but since we moved five years ago, they have simply ignored us and all our attempts to make contact so I have simply given up now. I'm very sad about it.

Sorry to hear that Jen.

Is there estrangement because one side or the other has offended that person?

For whatever reason, if there are some feelings there, and the offendee still wants a relationship, there will eventually be a reconcilliation. If not, it's probably better to move on and accept that the relationship doesn't work any more. Well not in the same way

I've been estranged from a family member and a 'close' friend for some years but we do talk to eachother when we meet. The relationship is just not the same though.

I don't regret the distance because it's hard to go back to the original relationship when words have been said or actions taken.

DH doesn't see his mother anymore. We haven't seen her in almost 3 years.

Right now, he doesn't regret it as it was her behaviour that caused it, he just didn't put up with it. It was effecting us a family, not just him. When it was just him he said he ignored up but she started on me then our children. She hasn't apologiesd. The ball is in her court but she would rather play victim.

My DD know she has another nanny but we've told her we don't see her anymore because she wasn't nice to Mommy and Daddy. If in years to come she wants to know why then we will go into it abit more but right now she's small and ive drummed into her that she doesn't have to play with people who upset her.

Every situation is different and so are people.