Regrets about being estranged from people..

You have a point there Mumsy it can make it difficult if your child remains in contact with a family member. Our ES only has contact with his brother and his wife and from what I can gather it isn't on a regular basis.

We are of course pleased that they've maintained their relationship but it can be awkward, for eg. when we went to visit DS and d.i.l. for Christmas and New Year they had photo's of our ES and GC which we didn't want to see. DS put them away bless him and I'm just hoping that what with our move and other significant changes so far this year, that if there are any photo's this time, we wont be bothered by them, or perhaps they'll think to put any away before we arrive.

Seeing pics of our GC getting such a big boy and getting what would be our first proper look at our other GC is probably best avoided.

Im as puzzled as you celebgran on that one, I dont think we will never know the answer. It does come across as the child is punishing the whole family by ignoring them but surely they must be hurting to or have they no feelings?! They are the ones missing out on family occasions and on their own. The mind boggles!

No I guess not mumsy but is woryying then as why would they do that? Are they being controlled or brain washed?

Sounds odd but in a way its better when a child has cut out the whole family because then you know its not you that the child has a problem with.

Thanks pollen gran yes guess I have tried everything I can and failed?IT IS horrid thing to accept a daughter you love with all your heart no longer wants you.

However luckylegs and countless others have same sad sad thing and just have to focus on good stuff I do have ?

RedheadedMommy, I am so sorry for all that you are going through - and will go through - with your parent. You will require all your strength in the coming weeks to support those who have always been there for you. Consequently, the last thing you and your family need is to even be thinking about someone who has brought you nothing but pain. Put all those thoughts in a metaphorical box and lock it away. If you feel the need in the future, you can always open it and review how you and your family feel then.

Thinking of you and yours.x.

You have answered your own dilemma Redheadedmommy. She has hurt your family and you are understandably livid!

Leave her to it, draw a line and concentrate on the grandparent that matters.

Celebgran it is a different scenario here. You have tried and failed, this other woman hasn't tried at all.

Not rambling at Redheaded it is sad

When something like your parent seriously ill it make you realise life too short

I still send birthday cards t ed guess I don't want t admit it's over

Goes deeper in our case as ed cut out entire family and we had absolutely no idea what we supposed to have done but it seems s I law wants cut her off from everyone

Thank you for your kind words it was a complete shock. We've known about it for a few weeks but it's becoming real now as chemo starts next week.

I just want to shake her tbh. Tell her what she's missing out on and to just show an ounce of compassion for the pain she has caused. A sorry! That's it, just something. She ignores DHs birthday and the childrens. That hurts.

From my point of view, without sounding like a complete bitch, its like she has no common sense.

If your child is hurt because of something you've done, you try and fix it. She didn't, it's like she's didn't care. She minimised it, spun it back and somehow blamed us. Its mind numbing.
But she also has form for cutting people out. She cant accept blame. Relationships are 50/50 but with her it was 90% us and 10% her and I'm taking a guess that's what happened with others.

It's like people are disposable? If that makes sense. If you've hurt someone, you say sorry. That's what it boils too but she doesn't. She cuts her losses and moves on.

I'm rambling now too

Meant to say loved not liked?If I have any regrets as title of thread it was not ignoring the text and also after we were cut off I should t have kept writing and sending cards etc I tried too hard I think but it is what it is,

Smilless and red headed I too in the club of no big row it happened after I read a text that wasn't meant for me.

To this day I have t talked about it to ed and doubt ever will now,

We did row and had a volatile Relationship but we liked each other dearly and were very close if that makes sense given ups and downs but since she became mum I felt we had grown closer and no rows, how wrong I was,?

Red headed mommy I too sorrt about your parent being so Ill.

If your dh not keen on making move maybe best leave until you not under so much pressure,

My estrangement occurred shortly after my beloved f I law died and I know this was devastating for my ed being her only known grandparent likewise for me as he was a surrogate dad for me, but if do think there was a connection.

However I don't really like keeps analysing it doesn't change things.

I'm so sorry one of your parents is seriously ill RedheadedMommy it's hardly surprising that you feel numb. I hope the treatment goes well.

Thanks Celebit was lovely to have such a long chat. I miss him terribly and the estrangement from his brother makes him being so far away all the more difficult.

I said a similar thing to DS on Sunday Luckylegs. When someone refuses to interact with you there's just nothing you can do. When you said "there wasn't any argument or a big row" RedheadedMommy that really resonated with me because there wasn't with us either. It just doesn't make any sense and I doubt it ever will.

Redheadedmommy, I agree that under the circumstances you should leave it for now. With your parent being ill you need to concentrate on that. If she is still saying horrible things, it could be that the longer she has been left alone, the more it hurts her and she's lashing out. Making up is so hard! Do you know, that card for my sister is still sitting on the hall table.
I have spoken to other relatives and they say I should send it, THEN they drag up things she said and did, and that leaves me unsure again. I don't know what to do myself, so I shouldn't be giving out any advice. Just ignore me .

Smilless glad you had good Skype with you son. I too Skye's our son on Sunday ? The sound seemed clearer than FaceTime

I have quickly scan ed this thread seems shame posts been deleted so guess it is not very harmonious

Interesting but sad to read so many estrangement s.

I would give anything to talk to my ed but I guess as lucky legs said I did something wrong, however none of us are perfect and it is pretty harsh to cut a parent off,entirely likewise little grankids.

However I try to accept it now and focus on what we do have.

I think in my heart I have give. Up hope of any reconciliation now but who knows, and 7 years have changed us all things can't. Ever go back,

Sorry for the late reply! 6 weeks holidays are in full swing.

One of my parents is seriously ill, starts treatment in a few weeks so its been a rollercoaster of emotions for me right now. Im numb. Which is how it got me thinking about MIL.

Spoke to DH about it a couple of nights ago but he still doesn't want to make contact. He said he found out that she is still saying horrible things about us I didn't know any of this.

Its upsetting. I don't understand how she can still be acting like that but expects us to let her back into our lives and in the childrens lives.

Im going to remember all the advice and tips on talking to my children just incase things change in the future. Right now I need to detach myself from her and what she's saying as I need to focus on my parents and my children as it's going to be a hard few months for everyone. Thank you again.

Smileless

Thank you Wilma. Mr. S. was out yesterday so when DS and I skyped it was just to 2 of us and we talked for 2 hours. He knew about recent correspondence between Mr. S. and ES but not that I'd emailed him last Sunday.

I've only just seen your post but did do what you suggested. I didn't want to spend time going over what's already been said so many times now. I told him that his brother has our email address, that we're only going to be half an hours drive away and that because of him (DS), he'll always know where we are.

It's so hard for him. Like all of us, he never expected the estrangement to go on for so long and still believes that one day everything will be sorted. I know he's upset that we've taken the decision to move because he thought while we lived so just down the road, there was more chance that things would improve.

He's being very supportive bless him and understands our need to move, and understood my need to say goodbye. It's nearly the end of a very painful chapter in our lives and shortly we'll be in our new house and a new chapter will begin.

No one knows what lies ahead, and sometimes I think that's just as well, how would we cope with the present if we knew such pain was waiting for us in the future. I very much doubt our ES will be a part of the chapters we still have to come and TBH I think I'd prefer it now, if he wasn't.

I didn't say so to DS, I just said 'never say never'.

Smileless I think it might be best to keep it a simple as possible. You don't want to have to go over all the things that have happened to justify your decision. Your DS knows it all already. It's more important to explain the reason for making your decision now i.e. the toll on your and your DH's health, the effect on your ability to enjoy life - and there being no end in sight. Reassure him you still love them both, but you can't carry on this way any longer. He may be your child, but your DS will have to be an adult now and accept your decision.

Luckylegs, your not alone and to be honest none of us can understand why.

I was just honest. When I told my son what I was going to do, I said that despite all appeals I was met by no response. That the years had taken its toll and some times I felt as if I couldn't go on. I had to have some sort of closure as I was constantly on egg shells. I saidI didn't want it to affect his life. I would never stop loving her but from then on the ball was firmly in her court. Lies always catch you out and you need a good memory. Things will never be the same anymore, what I could never come to terms with how could anyone do it and despite pleadings to talk things over say they don't care and are not interested.

Problem is with that is being open will open old wounds, I tried being open with my older daughter face to face but she was so blinkered it was a complete waste of time. We have never actually said goodbye we just dont communicate as it always ends in a row! even the emails get heated, the last email I sent I explained how I was feeling and never got a reply, just about says it all really.

You have to accept the relationship cant be fixed, until then you will never move on.

There have been several posts talking about how estrangement can affect an entire family and I was wondering if anyone who is, or has been estranged has tried to explain to a family member deeply affected, why they've decided to let go and move on; why they've said 'goodbye'.

I said goodbye to our ES last Sunday via email and I know our DS is going to want to talk to me about it. I needed to walk away for my own sake as having spent 4 years hoping and praying that something would change has been fruitless, and has not been good for mine or Mr. S.'s physical or emotional health.

How do I try and explain without coming across at best as selfish and at worst heartless? How do I make him understand that saying goodbye doesn't mean I don't love his brother any more?

It's been so awful for him, seeing his family quite literally falling apart and knowing that he is the only family member his brother now has any contact with.

We will regret our estrangement and our inability to 'fix' it for the rest of our lives but I don't regret saying goodbye; how open and honest should I be?

Redheadedmommy, it's difficult isn't it? I often have to remind myself of how hectic life used to be when the children were young if my lot are dashing here there and everywhere without me. i didn't always have the time to give GPs the attention they wanted, but compromises were made and they understood.

Your situation sounds solvable, and now that the children are older you could maybe explain that Gran can be difficult at times, but that's just how she is and she loves them really.

I would talk to your husband and see if this estrangement could be fixed this time.

Morethan, I agree with the others, but maybe encourage the cousins to contact each other. If the young ones do it, the grown ups might do it too.

morethan, I agree with Anya that you should keep in mind that life has been easier without them. Estrangements often seem to happen when a parent dies. It is a time when emotions are running very high and also the parents are sometimes the glue that keeps the siblings together and, once they have gone, the siblings find they are happier going their separate ways. Of course, it is sad that cousins get caught in the middle out of a sense of loyalty to their parents, but, in my experience, they often do re-connect later on.