Regrets about being estranged from people..

Really mumsy ? You could have fooled me.

Madamecholet.

Although I actually agreed with you regarding something you posted recently, I cannot agree that children who have a happy childhood will not wish to seek out their grandparents.

My mother was estranged not only from her father ((her mum died very young), but also her father and mother in law. I never saw any of my grandparents.

It's too long a story to relate here but not long after my mothers death in 2014, I discovered that my paternal grandfather had died the year I married DH and he was living only 5 miles from DH's family home - that was a bizarre co-incidence as he (my grandpa) originally lived over 100 miles away. He died alone having lost his wife, my dad (at age 32) and his daughter two years later at the same age. He must have been so lonely. My mum had a lifelong habit of cutting people out of her life on a whim. I cannot help but be angry with her for preventing me seeing or having a relationship with my grandparents. She should have given me more info as I grew up so that I could make the decision whether or not to see them. So, yes, my regret is that I never met them.

Sorry Mumsy, I should have said hopefull they might get in touch and I do hope they do.
Madame Cholet you are probably better qualified than I with your interpretation on the subject. Of course, noone should slag anyone off, especially their isn't family, also there are two sides to every story. The people on here just feel at a loss as to how to get their families on track again. It us a situation you never expect to find yourself in.

Anya, no one is getting gruntled or disgruntled about what's been said or not said.

Fairydoll, this thread has helped me to think about my sister, and I have now written a card asking if she would like to meet me although I have not posted it yet. If she chooses not to respond then I will accept it. I won't dwell on it and at least I will have reached out, and it is thanks to jemimavintage starting it that I have done so.

The other thread has its uses, but I see this thread in a different light and like yourself I would hate to see it go the same way as that one did. There has maybe been a slight misunderstanding by some recent posters about the meaning of regrets on this thread, but I see it as a way of thinking about the possibility of making amends while there is still a chance, but others may disagree with me.

Oh for goodness sake, please don't let this thread go down the route of one that was recently deleted by GNHQ.

Just let posters repent or vent. Absolutely no need to throw a spanner in the works.

Haven't we had enough of that already?

Let's not get all gruntled or disgruntled about what's been said or not said.

"You are not on your own"...Thank you for your understanding, I am fully aware of that fact, which is why I looked on GN for others in the same situation, to see if I could make sense of things.

The pedantry I referred to is the making an issue of the fact that many of us failed to actually mention in our posts that we have regrets. As I said previously, I assumed - wrongly it seems - that regrets were a given.

The problem is that there are two points of view on this thread.

If you are the ones who have cut someone out of your life then you have an entirely different point of view from the person who has been cut out.

If you have been cut out unwillingly then it can be hard to understand why this has happened. If, on the other hand, you have chosen to cut someone out of your life then it makes perfect sense to you.

I'm talking about long-term 'cut outs' here too, not temporary ones that last a few weeks, months or even a couple of years. The ones that are final, bar a deathbed reconciliation.

Rosyglow, those of us who are estranged also have a life full with regrets, we deal with estrangement according to our circumstances and as best as we can to the best of our ability. You are not on your own! No one is being pedantic its their way of coping!

No, it's not pedantry, Rosyglow and of course it is understood that your life is full of regrets, no-one is saying it is not. That is why this thread was started - for regrets.

My heartfelt thanks to those of you who have offered understanding of my situation.

I made the mistake of assuming that anyone with empathy would realise that, because of said situation, my life is full of regrets.

Pedantry is alive and well on GN.

I think I may of vented abit too much I just wanted to get across that there are 2 sides to estrangment.

True Madamecholet there are two sides to every story and its easy to be blinkered when venting when your full of resentment and anger. Its also easy for children and grandchildren to read whats been said and know that your the one being talked about.

What I have seen on the estrangement threads is that people dont want to move on, theres so much anger in their lives all they can do is vent. You have to get past that anger and let go as all its doing is destroying yourself and your family.

Ive not disclosed my circumstances re estrangement theres no point, Im past all that now my kids have made their choice, I still love them even though I dislike their behaviour towards me. My door will always be open for them.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This thread started off very fair and well balanced, but it seems to have degenerated into people just slagging off their relatives – and we already have a thread for that! When someone posts that everything is someone else’s fault, I think it is only natural to be aware that there is always another side to every story.

Rhinestone, when you say “I only care about the GC, not their parents” my immediate thought is that your stepson’s children are not your GC and these children will already have two loving grandmothers and a grandfather in their lives. For you to post hostile comments about a couple who are not related to you and then complain that this couple won’t let you see their children doesn’t make any sense to me. Perhaps it would be better if you took a step back from this relationship. I think you have also mentioned in previous posts that you are estranged from your own son and his family and I wonder if you are equally convinced that this all their fault – it does seem something of a coincidence.

Some GPs seem to think that once their GC are adults, they will have a burning desire to make contact, and these GPs will be able to open the children’s eyes to how horrible their parents are. Some even going as far as writing letters/cards but not posting them in the hope they will in time be able to show these as “proof” of their side of the story. It seems very cruel to be looking forward to trying to cause trouble between parents and their children and if the GC have had a happy childhood with loving parents, they will not want to make contact with someone who has caused their parents unhappiness. Also, the parents will only have to point to the derogatory comments made about them by these estranged GP to show a completely different side to the story. It is worth remembering that anything you post on the internet today will be there forever and I really can’t understand how bringing your grievances to a public forum can possibly help the situation. As for posters who have never met any of the families but vigorously agree that the estranged adult children are all to blame - how can you possibly feel qualified to make a judgement?

Doesnt always follow Luckylegs, my grandkids were brainwashed when they were growing up they are adults now and I dont see them!

Rosy, one day that little granddaughter will want to find out about you, I know mine has, this is no consolation or comfort to you now, it is downright cruel in fact. Write your gd letters that you don't post, addressed to her, telling her how you watched her progress via your son, how you loved him so much you stood back as for some reason, your dil didn't want you in your lives, have solicitor give them after your no longer here. Tell her that if one day she is lucky enough to have a child, you always put them before yourself, which is what you have done for your son. This probably sounds hard on your dil and I don't believe in being vindictive at all, but she will wonder why she never saw you and she will at least know it was out of your hand to do so. Now with face time and social media she will probably be in touch long before that and the letters will never be given. I wish your son would stand up to her.
Fairy doll, glad you see your son and grandchild, I wouldn't be bothered about dil either.
These selfish, controlling women, what a bad example they set their children.

Various members of my family have been estranged and I could never understand it. Life was too short and family is family. Maybe that is why I never really confronted my younger sister about anything, along with the fact that she gets hysterical and mean. However, I am now estranged from her after she did something so awful to my DD and her family because she had fallen out with DD. Her actions were completely spiteful and borne out of jealousy but my main reason is that I have realised that I can't trust her; without trust you really can't have a relationship. We have talked about what happened, against my better judgement, but she makes excuses for her behaviour and tells more lies. It broke my heart as I had been like a mother to her throughout our lives and I really thought we were close. I spent time in counselling because the grief was so huge but as time goes on, I realise a weight has also been lifted from my shoulders. I try not to make family events awkward so will be polite but apart from that, I am totally disinterested.

Hi Roseyglow and Fairydoll - your stories sounds so like mine. Son is now desperate to leave d-in-law but knows she will make it difficult to see the children. In my more charitable moments I feel sorry for her - she had a lovely husband who adored her and would do anything for her and she has destroyed that - and I think it is very likely she will drive the children away too if she tries to control them as they get older. I think she`s going to be a very lonely old woman

Oh Rosyglow as you already know, through our exchange of pm's, my story mirrors yours in many respects particularly the illness, having a close call with meeting our maker, and the lack of contact from DIL. I am very fortunate, and not a day goes past when I don't remind myself, that we live close to my son and he brings our grandson to see us twice a week. (I don't want to sound smug so hope it doesn't come across that way). I feel sorry that he has had to assume the responsibility for this as his partner does not work and, before the estrangement, we could go round to the house during the day and see our DGS. All arrangements were made with son's partner leaving him free to concentrate on the important things - like working long and hard.

I won't go over the reasons for the estrangements but suffice is to say we tried very hard to be supportive but unobtrusive grandparents. In return we have been on the receiving end of insults and accusations that have left us shell-shocked. We have turned the other cheek more than once, but after a highly insulting email from her accusing US of being responsible for her and my son rowing ( because he didn't believe her lies about us),we have kept our heads down and not made further contact. We didn't hear anything from her until relatively recently when she has sent round 'things' for us. We thank her via my son but don't take it any further.

Like Rosyglow we're not sure if there is anything to mend. It's not a question of pride, it's just that neither DH nor me wants any more nonsense. I am happy just to be alive
right now and that, together with seeing our son and DGS, is all that's important to us.

I do admire you Rosyglow you have been so brave enduring what you have. Your DIL sounds so heartless and it's not hard to see why your son has lost respect (ditto mine!). Basically it's jealousy. Some young women just cannot bear to think that there's 'another woman' in their partners life. What they don't realise is that men who love and respect their parents usually make good husbands and partners. Unfortunately, they're usually too self-obsessed to see it.

Rosyglow your story is very sad.

Lucklegs because I knew him too well. He went through life never apologising or making an apology immediately followed by the word 'but...'. It's who he was, but I still loved him. I realised a lot of men are like that with apologies. My brothers and husband rarely apologise for something without say 'but... '. My husband is better now though because we've discussed this, but not long after we married, I do remember being in the middle of a shop once with my husband. He was apologising for something and said 'but...', and I thought "OMG I have married my Dad!". It's a bit of a standing joke in our family these days when one of them is saying sorry for something.

Rosyglow you sound absolutely lovley

"The main reason I have decided to leave it is because, after lots of thought, I realised that I actually can't mend things. Why? *Because nothing was ever broken.*"

That sums it up really doesn't it. If its always been that way, you can't fix something that was never broken.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.