Regrets about being estranged from people..

Well I have two new estrangements, my brother died suddenly after surgery complications. I emailed my sis in law (not mother of his grown children, they'd divorced and she died several years ago) many times to see how she is, and I get no answer except for short curt, almost rude responses after years of happy email and skype contact. I don't have much contact with niece and nephew, but when I do all is fine. I am thinking now the marriage was not happy in later years despite building a dream home in the sun and that she is glad to have her adult stepchildren out of her life, though she was glad enough for their help with the arrangements etc.

I also had a friend in the US I'd known for 30 years. She's become a right-winger, hates Obama, but not a Trump fan. We don't have strong US political opinions as I've been away for so long now. She got stroppy because I didn't agree with her. 30 years of friends...gone! I have heard this is common in US families/friendships now. Very sad.

So I am just trying to move on... I have my family here and it's growing!

Sending hugs... and to all who are confused and upset.

I had a dear friend - someone I much miss.
Obviously I "did" something [I have no idea what!] because at a formal party - when I wanted her to meet my daughter - she cut us both dead. About a month later she publicly cut me dead once more.
That was more than a decade ago.
I asked her best friend what I'd done wrong, but all she would say was "You may not even have done it..."
She is now estranged from that best friend, and another very close friend, to the extent that she has moved out of the area and nobody knows where she now lives.
I don't know what I "did", but - looking back - I once saw her at a very vulnerable time and I can only suppose she thinks I told others about it [I did not!].
In the end it is her loss, but it still niggles...

Late husband had a volatile relationship with daughter in law which caused a rift. Didn't even get to see their third child until she was two years old. The disagreement was between him and her, not with me, but I got caught up in the fallout. He could be a bad tempered viscous drunk. As a result we were told to stay away from them and their children, which to save any more stress, we did. As a result of his drinking he developed cancer and mellowed a lot and still insisted that he did not want to see our son or his family because of the way they had treated me. He admitted that he was at fault but wouldn't forgive them for the harsh and unwarranted treatment they meted out to me. He didn't ask to see our son while on his death bed, but my other son intervened and told him that dad needed to see him. Was a bit tense for a while but it helped to mend the rift. The relationship between son and his family is now on a rather tentative truce. They call when they need something but I don't think we will ever have the loving relationship we had when they were young and they depended on my 24hour a day help when they had a very bad start to family life in their teens

My son in laws mother hasn't spoken to him or my daughter in nearly 3 years over an argument about a cup of tea that wasn't made for her. She says she felt disrespected. My brother hasn't spoken to our mother in nearly 3 years because he wasn't invited for Christmas - not true none of us were or or are indeed ever invited to visit our Mum - we just go see her because shes our Mum.He doesn't speak to our sister either , again over a misunderstanding nearly 20 years ago. He hasn't seen his 2 children from his 2nd marriage in over 15 years again because of a row between them and wife no 3 and he took her side.I and my youngest brother have tried to be peacemakers to no avail. Mum is 86 this year and I know a time will come when he will regret his actions. I have no idea what to do about any of it either.

Even though mandela died a long time ago the family are still fighting over his estate.

I'm assuming from your post that their might be some sort of financial gain.

you have my sympathy

My step-son has cut himself off from me after my DH death 3 years ago - he always knew better than any-one else Drs etc - had to be right. When DH was in Hospital he tried to take control as he was his son (despite living over 100 miles away) & I was only "his step-mother" (despite us being married over 20 years). I had cared for my DH through severe depression on my own). My step-daughter remained more supportive & my daughter who adored DH as regarded him as her Dad.

Step-son was very selfish when DH was alive despite living only a few miles from us rarely visited.

After DH's Funeral he asked for his Dad's special stamps (said young grandson wanted to collect stamps- in reality he thought they were valuable!!) - I told him I couldn't find them. He later asked me again so I told him DH must have sold them as I couldn't find them which lead to a row. I sent him DH's favourite cufflinks with a note to say he might like them to remember his Dad by - no thank so whether he ever received them I do not know.

It has been his decision to cut contact totally - no Christmas or Birthday cards received by me so I no longer send them to either him & his girlfriend or my 2 youngest step-grandchildren.

I still have some contact with my step-daughter, son-in-law & grandchildren (now 18 & 21)

I have a lovely DD, her OH & my adorable 6 year old GS - do I feel I'm losing out by this "toxic" person no longer being in my life -NO, NO, NO (apologies for capitals) my life is full of people I chose to be friends with & life is richer for it. Life is too short for regrets.

My husbad died and leading up to his death his sister was not supportive at all. Two years later after several ignored e-mails from me she did not send a birthday card. I can only assume that she does not want any contact with me - no loss really. I have decided to concentrate on people that really matter - time is precious and life is for living. I am sure that I would feel different if it was a brother or sister son or daughter that I was estranged from.

To add to my post above, i spoke to mu daughter in law the night before on fb and she said to "pop over" i said i may be a little bit later than planned because i had a couple of deliveries to do (work) first. She didn't reply - i guess my naive self should have read something into that, but no. I have never said a bad word to her about anything, but i have watched her put gifts from me up for sale, i have seen photos of my little grand daughter and she never has toys from me in photographs and is never wearinf clothes i bought for her - things bought prior to the rudeness and the estrangement. But, a big fuss is made when the other grandma buys things and photos are taken. It is completely horrible. My son and i used to be so close, and i can only think that this has happened because of discomfort our close family has caused her. He hasn't seen his siblings either since he cut me off, everyone is reeling from the stupidity of it all and the downright meanness.

Everyone's got to find their own way. notyetagran's words ring particularly true for me at present. I find my life getting better with the help of a twelve step org. called CODA, Co-Dependents Anonymous. It addresses the many ways we can get into trouble in our relationships and the possible sources of difficulty. I don't go for the God bits but just adopt the word 'Good' instead.

CBT practitioners don't need 'a story' from the past to work with. They work in the here and now to help people look at things in a different way - to challenge negative thoughts. The way we think, affects the way we feel, which affects the way we behave. The only aspect of that we can change is our behaviour. Changing the way we behave very often brings on a change of thoughts and therefore we feel better about things. Very often people see CBT as dragging up the past - that's not a principle of CBT. It's a very effective strategy.

I really have a hard time with the " toxic" word. It seems to be the new thinking that a person is toxic if they do this or that. What I don't understand is that even if the person is what nowadays is called toxic , why do people have to estrange themselves? Why can't they change " their " behavior in response to it? We all have been at work or home with toxic people. It's ridiculous in my opinion to run around categorizing people and deciding who is toxic or not and estranging yourself. I have a mentally ill family member. It would have been so easy to just say they are toxic and never speak to them again. But instead I went for counseling and changed MY behavior and responses so I feel better. There was no need to estrange myself. Now for those that don't have a family member or friend with a mental illness, I guess one has to ask themselves whether they are estranging themselves due to not wanting to cope with the situation or because that person truly deserves the estrangement.

I am estranged from my eldest son, his wife and my granddaughter. I arrived one day for a planned visit with my daughter in law, arms laden with gifts, but i was apparently late and needed to be taught a lesson. It was portrayed that i had turnes up uninvited to anyone they told the story to, but that wasn't the case. I spoke to her from outside the shop to ask her if she needed anything, but no mention of any problem. She was so rude it left me in tears. I spoke to my son about it and apparently that is my crime, i am supposed to take whatever rudeness she wants to dish out to me with no complaint. If i do not give her a full apology for MY bad behaviour i have apparently estranged myself from them. I am blocked everywhere, have been "ghosted" and "gaslighted" when i did nothing wrong, have never been rude, have always respected their lives and their space, and have helped them whenever i've been able to, often dropping whatever i had planned to help them instead. I am distraught, feel bereaved for the son i knew and loved, and i feel very badly wronged, but there is no possibility that i will be brow beaten by a full grown man and his wife whose only wish is to dominate someone who has never meant them any harm whatsoever.

I know that someone people are difficult, but surely why would you bring your children into the argument, she could well be upset with you when she gets older over stupid things and because you said to her, don't play with people who upset you, she might well cut you out of her life. just saying. live and let live, life is too short, In our family there is no such estrangements because we all accept each other the way we are. maybe it would be better telling her that we have to work through problems in friendships/ relationships. people upset each other all the time, its what normal families do. I would love to hear from you mother in laws perspective.

You are so right radicalnan. I went to greif councelling at my GP,S when my husband died as preferred not to take anti depressants.The councilor really annoyed me one day as I was just chatting to a male patient passing the time when he called me in. He smiled and insinuated that I was having a thing with the guy. I never went back again.I am fortunate that I get on very well with my Two sons and their families.I do not see a lot of them as one is in the forces and the other works long hours.I do not understand why people can be so spiteful to others, but I guess it takes all sorts. As for peoples political ideas all I can say it is no one elses business what you think and stupid to fall out over.

You are so right radicalnan. I went to greif councelling at my GP,S when my husband died as preferred not to take anti depressants.The councilor really annoyed me one day as I was just chatting to a male patient passing the time when he called me in. He smiled and insinuated that I was having a thing with the guy. I never went back again.I am fortunate that I get on very well with my Two sons and their families.I do not see a lot of them as one is in the forces and the other works long hours.I do not understand why people can be so spiteful to others, but I guess it takes all sorts. As for peoples political ideas all I can say it is no one elses business what you think and stupid to fall out over.

I know that many people come from happily families where everyone gets on and is friendly and it must be difficult for you to understand the situation some of us find ourselves in. My older sister, as I have said before, is toxic. She is a wonderful friend but cannot cope with her family. She Has spoilt every family event she has ever come to and is no longer invited. Last time I tried to have lunch with her she screamed at me and there was another occasion where she launched a tirade of abuse at a wedding. On that occasion I had to go for counselling to help me recover.
I would love to think that we could be friends but the fact of the matter is that she is jealous and resentful ( for no reason) and cannot behave herself.
However, as I say to my mother. It doesn't matter if we don't go shopping together or visit each other. We still know that if there is an emergency we will be there for each other.

My former mother-in-law cut herself off from us and our children when they were babies. I found out recently that she was reunited with my ex-husband just before she died and she said, "I really messed up my life, didn't I?" I don't think he could offer any words of comfort to her because she was right, she did. I would hate to look back from my deathbed and think that I had similarly screwed up in the one life that was given me. I know estrangements can be the result of serious incidents like abuse but others can be over trivial matters. I honestly don't even know why my ex mother-in-law chose to ignore us and our children! I do hope estrangements based on inconsequential happenings can be resolved so that grandparents and grandchildren can enjoy each others' company for as long as possible and not miss out...

I found the following of interest,

www.talentedladiesclub.com/all-help/10-giveaway-signs-toxic-person-handle/

It is so interesting reading this thread, lots of different points of view, but still respectful of each other.
Jem, I have to admit that I too have an issue with this word 'toxic' that gets banded about.
I was estranged from my dad for over 15 years, is choice not mine, he remarried after being married to my mum for 32years, and he had led a double life, which we were totally unaware of.
When he died, I had so many questions, I still do, they can never be answered now.
At his funeral, my brother and our families were completely air brushed from his life, someone came up to me and asked who we were, when I said I was dads' daughter, they said,"I didn't know he had children."
Did it hurt?
Certainly did.
So I know what it is like to be the estranged from two different ways.
I have moved on, and accepted that I can't change things, they are what they are, in my dads case, I was just his child who was caught up in something I had no control or understanding of, and I never will.
The past is just that, the past, it is now that matters, today.

It is terrible to be estranged. My sister was never a sister in the real sense of the word,

She wasn't supportive when we were young and was always mean to both me and my brother. He and I have a good relationship and he doesn't care about being estranged from her.
However, In my heart I feel sad that things are as they are.
Last year I offered to pay, through my cousin, who was acting as a intermediary, for a counsellor to sit between us. The answer was a deafening silence.
We had a toxic parent. This is the root cause of our problem really.
My sister had admitted being jealous of me, but being younger than her I can't say I have ever been jealous of her. Sad isn't it, when I so wanted a sister.

1974 cookie, I am so pleased you have your much lived brother back in your lives. Together you will both be stronger and happier.

It seems when people you love break contact, they feel life would be better without you in it. It seems to be triggered by some event that they blame you for although there was nothing you could have done about it. All attempts are rebuffed and you can't help but go over the ifs and buts, could I have done this or that. The instigator just seems to want to punish the person they are alienating. There is no sense in any of it. In the end we just have to accept it. Daughters seem to take their fathers side in a divorce, even if he is the one that instigates the break up. Jealousy plays a big part with the sibling rivalry, the woman that can't be a gran, she could have shared her sisters joy and been part of their lives, yet preferred to be bitter. The man that wouldn't be part of his sisters life, despite having no other family, he could have been a much loved and valued uncle and brother yet he refused any contact and took his imagined grievances to the grave. I just hope you all have other people that make you happy.

I am estranged from my daughter and it grieves me, but I have, for the most part, come to accept the situation. For many years I didn't know why I, and all of my family, had been cut out of her life. I always maintained that there had been nothing said or done by me that might have triggered the estrangement and last year that belief was confirmed when I finally discovered what had caused it. Something had happened that caused my daughter tremendous emotional pain - to the point where I think she may even have suffered from PTSD. She was deeply troubled by this event and not thinking straight when she moved house and cut off contact. She actually phoned me and we had a normal chat before she dropped the bombshell that she was moving house and changing her number so that she couldn't be contacted directly by me or any member of my family (including her siblings).

I deeply regret never having met her youngest daughter and I miss my eldest two grandchildren who I was very close to when they were younger, but I am able (through a third party as I don't have an address) to send them gifts and cards, which I have always done.

My daughter isn't toxic; she made some bad decisions and didn't know how to deal with the fall-out so ran away to start over. She kept in touch with her dad and some members of his family so I hope that she's had support from them when she's needed it. I doubt if there will be any further contact with me although she recently visited my mother for fifteen minutes, completely out of the blue, after I'd mentioned in a card to my granddaughter that my mum is on 'end of life' care. I remain hopeful that I may see my grandchildren again one day, but I am realistic enough to know that the possibility is a slim one.

I have not heard from my inlaws since my husband died 28 years ago. We never got on well anyway. They didn't like me because the are northerners and I come from the south.
I was estranged from my sister when our mother died because she somehow did me out of my share of the money although she was wealthy and I poor. However I started to communicate with her after five years when I realised that in spite of her lifestyle she was in an unhappy and abusive marriage.

I was estranged with my brother for two patches of about 10 years ...then we became very friendly . My mother died ...say no more , my brother then refused to reply to any attempts I made to be on speaking terms ..I even sent an email saying 'why won't you reply to my emails?' ...'I don't ever want to speak to you again.' He said
He didn't , a year ago I had a solicitor's letter ...he had died suddenly .he left me nothing ..he had no other relations apart from me and my daughters.
I am sad he wouldn't make up , but at least I know I really really tried .