Regrets about being estranged from people..

so so pleased for you Pollengran, a step in the right direction and I wish you both a lot more meet ups...

I had the day out with my sister today and all went better than I could have hoped. She was so kind to my GD and also bought a present for my GS. GD wanted to hold her hand all the time. I took your advice Mumsy and neither of us raked up the past.

I realise how lucky I have been with this reconciliation, and I doubt it would have happened without this thread. I truely wish it could be the same for others but sometimes it is not to be.

What a lot of wasted time we had. Older and wiser is the saying for my sister and myself.

Certainly is mumsy it's almost impossible to understand how our ed could change into someone so evil I don't recognise her, and prolong so much profound hurt and pain to her own mum and dad.

Cards and letters from 7 years ago say she did love is once but a pretty shallow love i guess.

Im 100% sure that our kids did love us at one point, its just so difficult to understand why that love has turned into such hate for us.

Smilless that is exactly how i feel sometimes I think did ed ever really love me? Or was it all about the help o could give her, you just don't betray and hurt those you love let alone your own mum.

Luckylegs you put that very well.

That bond and closeness I shared with my ed is gone for ever.

Best I could hope was to be able to see my granddaughters but I would be unable of ever trust my ed again she had hurt me too deeply for too long and done her utmost to destroy me. I will never ever know why and go to my grave sad because of it, k honestly tried to love her and care for her always always worked hard to do my absolute best.

I too have rebuilt my life and feel blessed with those who do love and care for me.
It does hurt still that she betrayed me so badly and it always will.

I think that if the estranged child made the effort to make up, we would all give it a go. I do know I will never trust my d again, I would keep that hidden, but the pain of being rejected and ignored when I badly needed her and the constant put downs have broken that bond, once that has gone I don't see how it can be altered. In my case it has been over too many years and I have missed out on my gd, those years and the relationship we could have had you can't get back. Inside I have a deep sadness and lonliness because I never thought I could have been rejected like I was and I know this is how I will always feel. She has done this, destroying my self confidence and pride in my d who I would have given my life for. I have built another life and have lots of times when I am happy, sometimes the estrangement disappears, then it comes back
Iike a dark cloud. I can honestly say that since I gave birth to my two children, they have always been foremost in my thoughts, it as all for them. I enjoyed my life knowing they were always there in the background, even if they had emigrated that bond would have been there. Ours has gone.

Mumsy and Rosy. "I would do everything in my power to create the illusion of a relationship" I think I could possibly do that with my son to see our GC but that's all it could ever be now, just an illusion and because of the things he's said and done, I sometimes wonder if that's all our relationship ever was.

I think it would depend on the relationship. If it were a friend or family member that I wasn't particularly close to, I could certainly re-establish the relationship. My thinking would be that if it happened again, well I tried, then I would forget it.

With those really close to me, the hurt would be much much deeper. I would certainly try, but I believe once trust has gone in any relationship, it will never ever be the same. So, a new relationship maybe.

With regards to my daughter- in- law, if it meant being allowed to see my granddaughter, I would do everything in my power to create the illusion of a relationship. That's all it would be though. The deep hurt of being deprived of my beautiful grandaughter in my life so far, and the pain this has caused my son too, will be with me forever. I can't forget that when I was alone and dangerously ill, she never so much as sent a card, text, or even a message via my son. Some things are too big to overcome.

my daughters have proved to me they can not be trusted, so many times theyve dangled the carrot and Ive bitten it only to be hurt over and over again! it will never happen again. If they ever did contact me I would be polite but I will not or never will accept them with open arms.

I cannot ever see it as a possibility with my son Fairydoll; your question did leave me pondering.

Would I have found it easier to get over the bullying, shouting and false accusations if they'd only come from her? Is it harder to come to terms with, get over and forgive when it comes from your own child? Shouldn't it be easier if it is your own child?

Trust between a parent and their child and a child and their parent isn't like trust in other relationships. It's not earned, it's simply there, a given. I'd never really given trust a second thought when it came to the relationships I had with my sons until our ES broke that trust.

I've always believed that you cannot have a relationship without trust and that if that trust is completely destroyed so is the relationship.

For me, it just isn't possible to ever trust our ES again so a relationship with him isn't possible either, that's why I contacted him in writing to say goodbye. His very unpleasant response confirmed that I'd done the right thing.

Question

Is it ever possible to re establish a relationship when there is absolutely no trust as a result of the other persons persistent lies?

Being estranged from my son's partner is no bad thing for DH and me as it means our lives are no longer disrupted by false accusations and verbal outbursts. However, I feel for my son. It's such a strain on him maintaining a relationship with his partner and being responsible for ensuring we see DGS. He has rowed with her over her behaviour but she bats away even the slightest suggestion of any wrong doing on her part.

His partner and DGS are away for a few days at her parents so DS visited alone last night - he always has DGS with him when he visits - and we could see the difference in him, he looked relaxed, happy and 10 years younger. I'm sure that's because, for a few days at least, he doesn't have to contend with the ever present elephant in the room of the estrangement of his partner from us. He told us that he sometimes mentions us to her and that he 'doesn't care anymore' what she thinks. I find this very worrying and it makes me feel guilty that I have made no effort whatsoever to re establish a relationship with his partner. She was the one who estranged herself after sending a vitriolic insulting email.

That brings me to my original question - is it ever possible to move forward when you've been bullied, shouted at and accused of things you'd never even dream of doing? How can you trust someone again?

oh let her play the victim Pollengran, if she brings things up from the past just say theres no point and that you should look forward now. thankyou yes I am nice, too nice for my own good!

Thanks Mumsy. I am taking my GD with me as my sister has never met her and I am hoping she will help to break the ice.
She is still playing the victim though and it is up to me to move forward as you say and not get caught up in her version of the past. Maybe I should just agree with everything she says .
I wish your daughters would be good to you as you come across as a very nice person.
I will update after the meeting next week. Fingers crossed.

Pollengran, Im so pleased youve heard back from your sister and have arranged a meet up for next week, yes you will feel uncomfortable its only natural, lets hope it starts rebuilding a relationship for you. Dont dwell on the past move forward I wish you well.

Ive tried reaching out to my daughters but all I get back is abuse from one and the other negative comments all aimed at me.

Just a little update. My sister got in touch after my letter and we are meeting next week. After talking on the phone I wondered why I had reached out, but I will see it through. Estrangements are sad, but sometimes family just don't like each other. I will probably keep it to a cup of coffee, but at least she will know that we are here in an emergency.
When I read this thread and someone said that those who label others toxic usually have family behind them, that fitted with my situation. I have followed on with that thought, but to be honest I am not looking forward to this meeting at all.

Its like being on a never ending roller coaster ride!

Exactly! Why bother? He couldn't win whatever he did.

So true Redheadedmommy, it doesnt matter what we do we are always in the wrong! It all boils down in the end where we have to do whats right for us, theres only so much battering we can take.

Sorry for the late reply and thank you for all the nice words about my parent. Being strong is hard! We are getting there slowly, the shock has gone and we are 'fighting' mode now.

Someone mentioned letters a few pages back, we did get emails and voicemails from her. Instead of trying to offer olive branches it just read how bad it was for HER, how she can't believe he's treating HER like this, how spiteful and selfish HE is, how heartbroken SHE is and of course making sly remarks about me.
DH ignored a few but then relplied stating what we'd said before, plus standing up for me, then we'd get FIL replying how awful the email was to MIL and he's broken her heart and upset she is.

But completely ignoring the 1st email that she had sent him which was far from pleasent, if he replied to it then he's the bad one. But if he ignored it, he's still the bad one. There was nothing he could say. He told them how he felt, that was ignored.

So in the end he just ignored them all, then that's when she started contacting me and dragging the children into it.

The more i type the more I can see why he wants to ignore it all for now. No one is strong enough right now to deal with her games.

psychologists say that people bury their heads in the sand because they feel guilty when confronted with reality, the ‘ostrich problem’ - ignoring information that can help us - arises because of the need to avoid negative feelings.

Yes. you're right Mumsy about burying heads in the sand. When we were in Aus. a couple of years ago and Mr. S. spent the day in hospital with a suspected heart attack, like Celeb, I'd have preferred it if DS hadn't contacted his brother.

For Mr. S., knowing that our ES knew about the scare but made no attempt to contact him, even just to say he was pleased all was well, was devastating. I think that was the first time Mr. S. ever allowed himself to entertain the possibility that his son just didn't care about him anymore.

Thanks mumsy u could be right

there is a positive side on your son letting your daughter know about their dad at least your daughter cant have a go because no one told her. I do think that some kids cant cope when their parents are ill and bury their head in the sand.

Oh hell Smilelss the pain goes on doesn't it?

I feel in bits today what with CB therapy going through intake and our ds saying he wrote note to Estranged d asking how she was and telling her of his dad's tests and to get In touch seems like she is ignoring it.

Really wish he hadn't written and told her about his dad it just makes it worse that she can Be so uncaring,

Oh Smilless how distressing to see pictures of little grandsons at your n s

At least ed is not in touch with anyone that we are aware of.