Am I doing the wrong thing?

I don't think what you are doing will work, probably make things worse. I suppose you have to decide if you would rather be without him in your life, which is how it will end up, or settle for what you have. You could say that you feel vulnerable for all the reasons given and see if you could perhaps have a solicitor draw up a document covering all the things that bother you. Don't know if that is possible, but know he could will everything to you if he wanted and perhaps nominate you as next of kin should anything bad should happen.bhe will probably think a quick civil ceremony will be quicker and less expensive.

The old idea of withholding sex as a punishment or to get your own way is a very old idea indeed. I'd be surprised if Gononsuch didn't have tongue in cheek when she expressed that!

I didn't hesitate to point out the legal benefits of marriage to my daughter when she and her boyfriend moved in together. They were in no hurry and I didn't press the point but as soon as they began thinking about a family, they made it legal, much to my relief. I think the term 'common law wife' is dangerously misleading since there is no legal protection at all for that state, as far as I know.

My friend has just had to considerably downsize as her partner of 28 years died and his pensions died with him. She was very distressed to be told over the phone that she couldn't register his death as she wasn't a relative, however that turned out to be wrong information as she was present when he died, however her initial shock and distress had been done. He was a widower end had left every thing to her but she still keeps saying " why didn't we just get married?"

A lot of people don't realise how simple a civil marriage ceremony can be. The only words legally required are

I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I [name] may not be joined in matrimony to [name].

And

I call upon these persons here present, to witness that I [name] do take thee [name] to be my lawful wedded wife / wife-husband / husband.

That's all that you need to be legally married.

My close friends did not believe in marriage and had been together for 25yrs when one of them had a serious bike accident, it was at that point they found out that neither the police or hospital recognized her as having rights, they would not give her information or allow her to consent to surgery on his behalf. Thankfully he recovered and the very first thing they did was to have a civil marriage at the registry office with no one else present so they don't have to face the same issues again. She still uses her maiden name so it has not changed anything.

My one question is why now is it so important to be married as you have obviously waded through 17 years without marriage which you say you so deeply believe in if it was that important to you surely you wouldn't have broken your principles and lived out of wedlock all these years

It feels as if you have become obsessed with the need to change his mind and it is taking over your life I think the day you said NO he connected with NO and has taken that as THE RULE you can't now change these rules and expect him to understand, you however have grown into needing what you now can't have more and more so you are at totally opposite ends of the rainbow and will continue to get further and further apart until the love dies completely, obviously the lack of sex doesn't seem to be working and will just be a further wedge

One of you has to give in if you want to stay together and it sounds very unlikely to be him

I,m sure that Gononsuch,s comment re the car was tongue in cheek,and if not,her partner was perfectly happy to buy it for her.
No need for nasty comments.

What I'd like to see is proper statutory recognition of a relationship after a length of time has elapsed. So the OP's relationship would become automatically contractually binding on both parties. Would save the hassle of marriage, weddings, partnerships. And would recognise the validity of long term partnerships apologies for hijacking thread.

The Isle of Man just introduced legislation that allows civil partnerships between a man and a woman, as well as same sex couples.

legal . too early in the morning.

pamish I think they'll come for heteros eventually too. There are many long-term partnerships that could perhaps benefit from some sort of legs recognition like mine.

Sounds like a good case for a civil partnership. Wait long enough, it may come around for heterosexuals too.

Hi oldgoose....So he probably would be homeless if you passed awy before him.
Oh sorry....I think you said he had his
own property ?
He probably would not benefit from part of your pension too.
Most of the areas have been covered by others. Therefore the only thing I can think of is to spike his drink long enough to get him on a plane to Vegas. Tell him youve been invited to see a long distance friend of yours who is having an Elvis Wedding.
The rest is up to your imagination !
Sorry for being flippant. Im sure its quite serious to you and I do hope that eventually you both get married and live happily ever
after.

To answer a few question, OH and I are both 62. I want to be married because I believe in it very much, I believe it gives both emotional and practical stability. OH is not a mean man, I could manage financially without him but I don't want to - I have seen him through losing many jobs and being out of work for long periods(he is a driver and therefore quite expendable) and have stuck by him through these times and financially kept us both. I am now retired and have a decent pension and he is still working as his pension is a few years away yet. I love him and don't want to be without him and when you feel like that about someone, isn't it natural to want to marry them? Young people still marry - it isn't out of date. My house is privately rented - in my name, and I have always said that the only person I will add to the contract is that of my husband....too much to lose as I have been in the property for over 30 years.

what's sex?? My DH wouldn't know he's being punished... We must do it so I can have a weapon!!

Yes there are many financial/medical implecations in NOT being married.
If either person has an occupational pension then that would be ceased upon
the death of the recipient. Most occupational pensions still pay a proportion to a widow/widower.
Ownership of property should be in joint names in order to protect the remaing
occupior.
Im not sure about tenancy of a council property. Id imagine not being married would make it difficult for the person whose name is not on the rental agreement.
Not being married makes any capital or other finances difficult to inherit by the partner unless a will is made. Even then I believe that blood relations can make a claim upon the estate of the deceased.
I believe that hospitals cant accept an unmarried partner as next of kin.
Being married obviously has a lot of legal positives going for it.
I remember someone persuading her long standing partner that getting married would
prevent his sister getting her hands on anything that they owned together. He hated his sister ! So maybe thats a road to consider travelling down.

Hi Oldgoose - I am in a similar situation but we are not getting married nor do we want to. Everything we have is separate (we each own a property) and our wills are made out in favour of our children.

Why do you feel the need to be married? You are obv independently minded as you say you would buy your own car rather than use sex to get one, so is it the legal/financial side if one of you dies that is bothering you?

I agree with other posters that going to Relate on your own to talk this through would help your state of mind.

My SIL appears to be borderline AS - DD1 and I realise this from his behaviour - he is almost impossible to persuade to do anything other than what he wants.

Good luck

I'm not sure why marriage is so important to you, but as others have said you do need to protect your future. If your relationship ends have you got rights to any shared property or finances ? I agree with another poster who suggested you draw up some kind of legal agreement. Your partner will probably understand the need for this as it is a factual matter.

Your partner has said he doesn't see the need for marriage, which suggests he thinks he already has all he needs from the relationship without a marriage. What does he get from the relationship which is important to him ? If there is no sex at the moment because of your "protest" then he might decide there is no longer any advantage for him in the relationship and he may want to replace you with someone who gives him what he needs. Harsh, but it is something to consider.

In my experience people with Aspergers are very focused on themselves and getting what they need, oblivious to how their actions make other people feel.

oldgoose who owns the house you live in and are you financially dependent on him?

I remember over hearing a conversation with my mother and Auntie when I was 10 years old (50odd years ago) and my auntie said "he had wanted he wanted last night and get my mink coat today". Didn't understand at the time but obviously did later on in life. Not sure if that was the norm in those days.

Sorry oldgoose but I don't think there much of a relationship there. I think it is time for a reality check on both your parts. He will have likely issues with empathy so an appeal to his better side won't work. Withdrawal of sex is very likely ok for him as he has resigned himself to the situation. However I am well aware that I do not know you but you have said that he is on the spectrum so your feelings, emotions etc won't resonate with him. I wish you well. Someone has to be the grown up and I guess that is you so you have to sit him down and say this is not working. I am not getting what I want from this relationship and therefore changes are needed.

I think it matters legally, you lose a lot of rights if you are not married. Explain that to him. I saw a woman absolutely devastated when her partner died unexpectedly, she was in danger of losing everything, apart from the fact that she had lost her life partner she was facing dreadful losses because they had never felt the need to be married. It isn't greed, it's just common sense, if all that you have worked for together is lost just because you didn't take that one step. Good luck old goose, I wish you well

gononsuch why is it I get the feeling you are (temperamentally) of a different generation to many other members?

Thankyou all for sympathy/suggestions/straight talk.
Firstly I have written to him, I have emailed him ,I have talked to him many times, but he just does not want to get married. I want to get married probably because I think that on a practical level it is so much easier - especially should one of us pass away. I am a firm believer in marriage - probably because I enjoyed my first marriage so much. OH's marriage did not end badly, I think his ex found his condition hard to live with, as he did not enjoy going out etc. but I am much the same as he is in that way, so it is not a problem for us. If I ask him about marriage he just says he has no intention of getting married and gets angry, As for using sex as a weapon for getting a new car, then no, I wouldn't do that. I buy my own stuff !!

The alternative to selling sex for a car (which I agree is equivalent to prostitution) isn't getting the bus, it's earning the money for a car yourself.