Gransnet forums

Relationships

Page 1 of 1
Flip | Customise

Help me to understand.

(3 Posts)
Add comment | Report
J52 Sat 23-Jul-16 20:29:21

My MIL actually told me that BIL's female child was her priority in life! DH and I had previously had 2 sons. Our elder son was treated with some consideration, but 2nd son was ' another boy' . Strange woman who was sadly very bitter.

I often reflect how little joy she experienced in being a grandmother.

Add comment | Report
jevive73 Sat 23-Jul-16 20:14:00

My friend had a mil who would treat one gc better then the other. I advised my friend not to accept that behaviour. You need to talk with your dp before you do anything, but quite honestly I would advise that you make it clear to your mil that you are not happy about the preference thing. My friend also felt her mil favoured her husband's older brother. Eventually it got that he would visit his mum, but my friend didn't. My friend put up with years of crap from this mil matriarch. I was at her house once and my friend had been to the hairdressers. Her mil arrived and said Oh I thought you were going to get something nice done to your hair.
Regarding your mil, it might be that she makes the other family feel less or more favoured to have control over them as she does with you..This is how bullies operate. I think it is about power. Some mothers find it hard to accept that their power over sons goes when the sons have families of their own. My in laws lived at the other end of the country. I was the wrong religion for them but it never bothered me. The thing I used to remember when I found my mil hard going was that she had raised my lovely husband so there was more good to her than bad. But I never let her affect my family in a negative way.
You sound like a lovely mum. Good luck.

Add comment | Report
AeroplanesRoar Sat 23-Jul-16 19:05:23

I am posting on here because, to be frank, as grandparents I may get a more helpful response. I have an ongoing..... Niggle shall we call it with my mil (Sorry, not married but its easier to refer to her as that).

When I first started dating my DP is was really obvious that his older sibling was the golden child. In the twenty plus years we have been together, I have never once heard a word of praise or even I love you out.of his moms lips. My.own parents were not overly loving, but my sibling and I knew we were loved and equal. Now they are older they both say I love you a lot more. My mom even says this to DP when we leave their house grin. So, I know that this is not too unusual.

However, she always refers to my DP as him or he. For example, "Is he at golf again?" Or "What's he doing?". Its the tone of her voice towards my DP when she talking, its so..... Hard.

She disapproves of everything he (and sometimes, me) does. He plays a sport which is all consuming and this seems to be a bone of contention with her. She seems to disapprove that he spends time on his own. My DP works very hard and we have a balance. If he has a match in the afternoon, we have family time in the morning etc. He takes our DC out for activities without me, comes to school events, does bedtimes, baths, homework etc. He's very hands on, and a brilliant dad in my opinion.

Her feelings towards my DP seem to be encroaching onto her relationship with our DC. She has an obvious preference for DC2 over DC1. She will go completely over the top (or try too) when it is DC2 birthday and Christmas. I have had to put my foot down on more than one occasion because it is very obvious in the difference in quantities. I don't to sound grabby, I just want them to be equal in her eyes.

My DC1 has started to pick up on this and it's heartbreaking for him. I find myself overcompensating in their presence. I do not want either of my DC to think they are less precious and loved than the other.

Its not just the comparison between my DC, she compares my DC to DPs siblings children (who we do not see due to his siblings not talking for years). If my DC has achieved something, their cousins have done something better. It's hurtful as haven't seen them for at least 15 years.

I can't understand why she enjoys separating her family from each other and comparing them. Any input?

Page 1 of 1
Flip | Customise