Keeping love alive

My Gran told me pride won't keep you warm on a cold night Ann and she was right .

I think love can be many things and I certainly think love changes as time and years pass by.

The love I had for my husband when we married is VERY different for the love we have now. So I think you can keep love alive but its unlikely to be the love you had at 18.

Yes Nanaandgrampy I agree, love is so often seen as the be all and end all. In reality there has to be a good helping of tolerance, empathy and hard work to keep a relationship going.

I have been thinking about it a lot recently as this month marked our fiftieth year together. I could have written your post, NanKate. I could never see myself being married to anyone - it wasn't on my agenda, even though it was what was expected of girls in those days. I had just come out of a relationship with a man I thought I loved but who let me down and I wasn't anxious to get myself into another one. DH had a stream of girlfriends who kept dragging him past jewellers shop windows! We were a blind date and we clicked immediately even though we didn't have a lot in common. I think he saw me as a bit of a curiosity at first, but - and this just about sums it up really - we were happy in each other's company and didn't make unrealistic demands on each other. It hasn't been a bed of roses - being married to a career soldier never is - but we've always been able to talk through our difficulties. But it has been about love, fidelity, mutual support and, yes, a generous helping of sexual chemistry!

Well done NandG for admitting your pride could have stood in the way and " backing down" I assume your love never wavered in that time. You are lucky, once again that word comes to the fore.

Love is hard. Marriage is hard work.

I think too often people go in with a romanticised vision of what love and marriage are and it is those who are more pragmatic ,who do understand that people change and that what love means changes that are the ones who make it through.

We have been married 40 years this year . When we had been married for 13 years we went through a very bad patch where we separated for 2 years. If I had stood on my pride we would not be together now.

If we were to look back now I would say those 2 years made our marriage what it is today. It gave us both a kick up the a*se to revisit our marriage and what it meant and what we wanted from life.

I would never have gone to university if it hadn't happened. I became much more comfortable managing alone . I realised I didn't need my husband , but I did want him. He realised the value of what he had.

I can honestly say , we are very lucky, very in love and enjoying every moment of our life together in retirement. It could have been so,so different.

I'm a grateful woman for learning a hard lesson and getting through to the other side.

So true ann60

No I don't think you can.
I agree 100% with kitty about growing and changing together. I have always believed that. My H and I married very young at 22 and 21, so we were very lucky that even then we knew how we wanted our life to be and we strived for it. Other couples we know didn't grow and change in the same way. Sadly this includes both my C. One long divorced and one separated. Once these changes happen love also changes and it is my belief that love cannot be revived. My own case of course now is different. I am not living with and caring for the man I married and loved for many years. I have adapted and look after a man who I sometimes don't even like but that is the luck other posters have talked about, but the other side of the luck tossing coin.

Pondering this! Can you actually keep love alive?

I agree with Kitty a good dollop of luck is helpful.

We have been married 45 years this October and I am so grateful that our marriage has worked so well, despite warnings that I had made a unsuitable choice.

DH and I couldn't be more different.

I am so grateful that he is happy for me to go out and about with my friends, never jealous and always interested in what I have got up to. He prefers to stay at home as he is always busy and likes to listen to the radio and potter.

Always happy to come out with me at weekends visiting places and having coffee and cake and picnics. He is a devoted grandfather and always puts the boys and myself first.

We both accept each other's failings. I wish DH had a sense of humour, I am sure he would like me to be a better cook.

We both know that if anything goes wrong we are there for each other 100%.

Not everyone is so lucky and the threads on GN show that on a daily basis.

A huge chunk of luck is involved in my view.

It is almost impossible to tell whether someone else is going to 'grow' in the same way as yourself, especially after only knowing them for a short time (engaged after 6 weeks and married after 9 months) and not living together (generally frowned on in the olden days!)

I think shared experiences are essential as is working through problems but you have both got to want the same thing, which brings me back to good luck.

Also, having five children leaves little time for being dissatisfied with one's lot.

I am amazed to discover that DH and I have arrived at 46 years of marriage, as it only seems like yesterday that we met, and i can't imagine life without him.

Luckylegs

I guess you both have to work at it and it goes without saying that if you are in love and love each other, wanting to make each other happy and get through the bad times, there is nothing better than being in that relationship. You both have to feel that way or it doesn't stand a chance. I had a great marriage and losing my husband felt like the end of the world, but I am so grateful I had it.