possibly divorce after 29+ years

It sounds as though both OH and son are in need of some medical input. I do hope that you can achieve some peace soon.

An update on this sadly, my son has been here for just over a week, he IS in a bad way, think he is depressed. He has realised my OH doesn't want him here, he just needs some weeks to clear his head and feel happier and content before going back to Oz to try for a new job. He told me today that last visit, my OH said he was proud of my son (which is unheard of in past).He treasured that remark and was hoping for a better father/son relationship this visit.

OH was on anti depressants at the time, has now come off them,and seems nastier and more easy to upset. He has already made a few snide remarks to my son.

I feel so sad that my son is crying out for a loving father, and is so upset to be rejected and cannot believe that after 7 years, his Dad can't have some time for him. 2nd son came up for weekend to try and help but no luck. I am at a loss what to do. OH won't leave house, son needs loving home time.

Wow yggdrasil, good to hear that. I don't ever envisage another man in my life at my age, just want to enjoy life and be content.

I suppose you can take so much, then that's it. Good for you!

Sounds a lot like my ex. I stood it for longer than you have, then something happened and I just said, that's enough. Been divorced for 15 years now. And 14 years ago I met a lovely guy through the internet, and we are still an item. There is life after divorce.

Thanks for your help. I have now talked to my sister and a friend, and they too agree, that he is unreasonable. However, we have had a long talk today. He doesn't want to leave this place, his dream, few acres in the country. Yet he can't accept that he talks in such an upsetting way to me.

After several hours trying to talk reasonably, we had almost agreed to stay and try and be better with each other. Then he started talking about how I'm lazy last few years and am on my computer and kindle more, and don't clean the house. I pointed out that I am 8 years older than him, do three 11 hours days work, so if anyone is doing housework it should be him. Total breakdown in communications!!!

I'm not perfect, but nor is he. I then said that's it, I give up. We will sell up and go our separate ways. A bit later he said ow sad he is about it. Trouble is we can't sell now, it needs a new porch, old one is falling apart, and whole house needs painting. Realistically it will be next spring before it is all ready, and house prices are apparently falling. Such a mess.

Original question ....No contest for me no man could come before my children however old they are, of course you must support your son until he feels stronger ........ However I would not make a decision to leave your husband while this is going on as your son may blame himself and make his mental health worse Once the crisis settles then make your decision based on whether you love your husband enough to continue supporting him through old age I know where I d be but only you know if you love him enough to try and work it out or would be better on your own Being on your own is scarey at first but preferable to being in a situation that is making you so unhappy and resentful ...... Don't be afraid to be on your own, time can help that and the peace can easily make up for loneliness but it's a big step and seems bigger the older you get you sound stuck in a rut and putting up with a life you don't really want Good luck

So sorry that you're struggling, seacliff. I hope things aren't too awful at home.

I'm nearly 50 years of age and during the last 7 months I've needed the comfort of my mum & family. My mum dropped everything to come and stay with me for 2 weeks & I was so glad she was there to look after me. It doesn't matter what age we are, does it? That overwhelming need to be cared for by a parent, during times of trouble is difficult to ignore. You're doing a lovely thing for your son, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Wishing you and your son well.

Wasn't this originally about your son needing help and DH being negative? Why haven't you discussed this issue again since DH mentioned separation?

If you're happy to live with the status quo, then you'll have to live with the resentment. You can't change the situation but you'll have to change your attitude to it.

Personally I would find your situation untenable, but only you know what you can live with.

You say if you split up he would find work. Why isn't he working now? Are you working because you don't want to be with him all day?

Thanks everyone. I am back now after work, and nothing has been said so far. Leaving aside the problem with my son, I am really torn as to if I want to stay with him.

We do have SOME things we do together and enjoy, garden days out etc. Since he stopped work, I don't cook his meals anymore. I got fed up of coming in after a 11 hour day, and having to do his dinner. I'm veggie so need something different. He never did me a meal, still doesn't.

I suppose we have sort of jogged along for years, mainly OK, with the odd flare up. Usually when I wanted something he didn't want (like now). I think if I were alone I'd see friends etc more. I often can't be bothered atm.

Someone up post said, I think, if there isn't trust and respect, it's no good. I also feel resentment. We could have been having a good time now, bot still working, mortgage paid, but he is generally happy to stay in all the time, and potter in the very large garden.

I don't know what is stopping me just splitting up. Scared that being alone will be worse? I know a few friends alone, who don't like it.I think a lot of people accept same as me, so they will have someone as they get older.

He has some good points, and I'm not perfect. But he isn't good at showing love and affection, and is very selfish (though he would deny it)

My feeling is that this unhappiness is of long standing and won't get better. Whatever you do, don't leave the house or you will not be able to provide a home for your son even on a temporary basis. It's clear you think your husband is malingering, so why pander to him. Go and see a solicitor about what is possible, you may be surprised. Some do half-hour first consultations for free.

If your H wants to separate, he shouldn't expect to rely on friends or families to provide him with a 'temporary' home, he should go out and rent a property or go into b&b. Yes, he doesn't have an income at the moment but as you say he can fairly easily get another contract job, then if he is so keen on separating he should go out and get that job so that he can fund his separation; accommodation, keep etc.

Seems to me that at present he is trying to have his cake and eat it.

He was on anti depressants (very mild) but has almost come off them now. I don't think he's any more depressed than me, he just has never liked working for others, always worked as a contractor, has tried several own small businesses but all failed. Always pooh poohed idea of pensions, and now has none.

He is 58 so my guess is, if we split up, he will then go and get another well paid job! He could certainly go and do a job now but doesn't want to. He has several "pots" of money that were put by for travel/holidays etc and we're using that. Thank goodness mortgage is paid off.

We moved here at his wish, uprooted the boys when about 10. I thought it would make him happier, but a year less than a year after we got here, he had an affair with someone in work.I very much blame myself for not leaving him then,as children would have been happier if we'd moved back to old area, but thought we could work through it. Things were never the same. I realise now I have low morale, and wasn't brave enough to leave.

We live on what was an old pig farm, lots of work to keep it under control. I don't want to stay as its too quiet here. But short term my son comes in about 11 days. OH has no friends to stay with.

So sorry to hear about your dilemma.

Of course you must help your son at this time. I can't imagine he will want to stay long term; he just needs some emotional support. Your DH has too much time on his hands and seems to have become self-centred. I would be depressed if I couldn't work and more so if I had no income of my own. Is his depression so bad that he can't do a more menial part time job?

You say the marriage has not been very good so why spend the rest of your life in an unsatisfactory relationship. How is DH going to cope financially if you're not supporting him? Strange logic that he wants a separation when he won't have any income.

A few years ago by DS had to come home when he had lost his way. My DH accepted it, but we made sure that as soon as he felt mentally strong, we would encourage him to leave, even if it meant financially supporting him for a while. Family are there for eachother.

As MOnica says, he should move out, not you.

Thanks Monica, I didn't realise there were extras I could possibly get. I don't think it's a good time to sell our house, needs a good bit of work. OH suggests we buy a second house for me to live in (this was going to be our retirement income).Thing is, we live in the sticks in East Anglia. If alone, I'd rather be nearer my sister in outer London, obviously so much dearer.

We can only afford about £150,000 (mostly my inheritance from my Dad) now for 2nd house, but if we wait and sell up current house and split it equally, I'd have more hopefully for my share. Seems I'd be best putting it into property and not having savings, as that would affect benefits. It is a horrible and in my view unnecessary situation, but may be for the best in the long run.

seacliff. If you are on retirement income there is a range of benefits that will top up your income to at least £155.60 a week, plus if you are on pension credit you will get all your Council tax paid and rent, if you are paying it. You can get help with council tax even if your income is above this basic income.

Why do you not visit your local branch of Age Concern and ask them about pension and other benefits for someone like you living on your own. Perhaps having the practical information to hand will help you think clearly about the position you are in.

He has been "difficult" for years,before depression. He is 8 years younger than me, he had a demanding job but was contractor, so has never tried to claim anything.He gave it up as was getting very stressed with the pressure/bad management, which I sympathised with.

He has far fetched ideas about doing work from home and never working for others again. We are living off savings and my money (not much) I am nearly 66 so can't keep working forever.

He has been very capable in past and built 2 extensions on houses himself.

I am scared of being alone, financially. I could afford a small house if we sold ours, but would just have old age pension - we have stayed together for financial reasons truly, plus we do have some things in common.

Depression can skew one's thinking and it may be that it makes your OH feel vulnerable and unable to contemplate not being centre of your universe.

But you need to be clear that it is quite normal for you to want to offer family support when one of your offspring is in trouble - it is simply what parents do if they are able.

What a difficult situation for you.

Posted the above before seeing your last post. I am sorry I see no reason why you should have to arrange the alternative accommodation for him. If he wants a separation he should find his own alternative accommodation and the money to pay for it.

If he cannot work because he has depression, he should be able to claim benefits, although he would have to jump through the hoops to prove it. Failing that he will be put on job seekers allowance.

I think it is time for you to get selfish and give him a dose of his own medicine.

Sounds like the child in your family is your DH. A terrible two throwing a tantrum when everything doesn't focus on him.

If he wants a separation make it clear that he is the one that is going to have to move out, not you.

Thanks for confirming I am normal with this. OH said I was being overprotective as usual and that when they're grown up, they have to go their own way, and most would agree with him.

I have wished many times that I didn't marry him, or at least left him years ago, as I am constantly torn between him and family.

He won't leave this house I know. I still work 3 days a week, (he has been off with depression for 2 years, no income apart from mine) I said to him, he should be a bit understanding as he has depression himself, but doesn't work like that.

I may have to open up about this to my sister, they have a spare room, but seems awful to expect him to go there. It is a bit of an imposition on them too.

How sad for you to be in this situation and how awful is your OH being jealous of your son,ofcourse you are going to have him stay with you and delight in being able to feed and spoil him no matter what age he is,I would tell OH to move into a guest house whilst your boy is staying or keep his opinions to himself and not upset everyone with his mean ways.

You are right to support your son, I would do the same. He has been independent from you for so long and now needs support. Your husband maybe feels that you should always put his wishes first but I don't think he understands how strong a mum's instinct can be.

He IS jealous of my unconditional love for them, of course I know they have faults, and son in question is rather selfish (takes after his Dad! However, when he is opening up to me on phone and ends up in tears, and is clearly not in a fit state to make decisions, I will be there for him. As he's travelled he's lost touch with friends a bit. OH even said I rush round when they come home and do cooked breakfasts etc!! He is so childish and mean spirited.

It is under 2 weeks till he comes and I'm dreading big bust up and son being driven away. I'm even wondering if I can rent somewhere for 3 months for me and son,but would struggle to afford it.

If he is suggesting the separation, let him move out and see how it goes for you. You are absolutely right to respond positively to your son, he needs family support and if mum and dad can't provide it, where else can he go.
Look after yourself as well.

This so-called husband sounds like a waste of space - and as for his role as a father - what a joke!

You do what is best for your son - that is what parents do. It is not as if he is asking to live with you for ever.

You are not mollycoddling - you are behaving like the family that you are. Six months separation from OH sounds a bit short to me!!