Downsizing/moving when husband won't face aging practicalities

I am in almost the same position as you Wilygran. My husband (77) has mobility problems and, although we live in a small cottage (with no stairs) It is in the middle of the country in Ireland. DH accepts that 'perhaps' we will have to move back to uk but when I set things in motion he changes his mind! To make things worse it is impossible to sell property here and so we would have to rent and leave our cottage empty. I am reluctantly accepting that we may have to stay a while longer. I hope that perhaps I will be able to employ a gardener/handyman. This old age is not for weaklings!

Don't you find those stair-lifts slow, we had one and then had a down stair loo fitted for dear old fil.

We know that we will be able to manage where we are. We had two neighbours whose health declined for different reasons and both were able to stay at home. One had a stair lift fitted and the other had the integral garage made into a bedroom and wet room.
There are lots of gardening services available locally but we are adjusting the garden as we go to make it easier to manage.
Our house is on the flat, decent shops a few minutes away and a bus service to town at the end of the road. Although internet shopping is brilliant.
So, what I'm saying is, you have to start planning for this much earlier than you think.
And we're sowing seeds into youngest DGC's ears (aged 7 and 6) that when they're teenagers they can have a job here mowing lawn and cleaning.

Nearly everyone we know is currently planning to move house....we feel smug as we did it a few years ago ( and glad that we did, it doesn't get easier the older you get.)

It took my DH some years to get into the mindset of down sizing. I talked about it now and again and let the idea grow.
Once we had started sprucing up the house with a view to selling, ( this took a couple of years! ) DH started to make comments " when we sell ".

Once it was on the market and sold, I viewed suitable houses first and then did a second viewing with him. It seemed to work!

We moved 2 years ago to a bungalow from a five bed family home in the country. We were managing-just-but should have moved 8 years previously following DH's heart attack. He was in denial for a long, long time about his health and staying in our house was part of making him feel 'normal'. He made a very good recovery regarding his heart but he does have PVD to contend with. What finally tipped the balance was money!! We were paying for more help every year and DH finally agreed enough was enough. Our bungalow suits us perfectly and even the garden is low maintenance. Don't give up hope-never thought I'd get mine to move but here we are.

We thought about moving and had a lovely Apartment with sea view lined up but we both love our detached house, garden and the area in which we live so are staying put, good bus service something not many villages have these days also great GPs and Dentist. I've always had a cleaning lady but we now employ a gardener/handyman and if the day ever comes when we cannot manage the stairs we'll install a stair lift.

Definitely get some help in the house Wilygran, good luck.

So glad I posted and got such useful feedback. I have thought about adapting our present home (I dread the whole process of moving!), but it's location, which was fine for us when we moved here -fit & in our late 50s - is the biggest problem.
I'll take all the advice on board. Many thanks.

When I suggested to a friend that at some point we will find the house and garden too much to cope with he pointed out that the cost of selling and moving would pay for an awful lot of help in house and garden. He had a point. Wilygran why don't you suggest getting help around the place because you can't cope and give him the costs to think about. It might be enough to persuade him.

shabby that sounds to be the perfect solution. Also it is better to move while you still can. I live on my own and have decided to stay here. Slowly over the years I have been getting my house re-organised so that I can live here safely. I recognise that because of my failing eyesight my driving days are limited but I will have to get mini cabs and when I weigh up the cost of insurance, petrol etc. I may well have money in my pocket! On line shopping for me is a boon.

wilygran I agree with others, he may listen if you are (supposedly) having problems coping.

Monica that is exactly what I am doing. I am a full time carer for my husband who has complex mobility problems. My husband has been in denial about his lack of mobility for a number of years and we, or rather I, are able to cope with our current house just. My husband loves our house and where we live but I know that soon we will have to face reality and look for a bungalow or flat. I have gradually been planting seeds about our current house not being suitable for us in the future but have said that it is me that is struggling to cope and have not mentioned his problems. You could have knocked me down with a feather when I recently and very cautiously showed him a bungalow not too far from us and he said 'I would move in there tomorrow if it makes life easier for you'. We are now looking at our options so don't give up wilygran

Thanks for that idea MOnica. I thought about things after I posted & wondered if it is more to do with coming to terms with things generally. He is somebody who lived for his work & would have carried on forever if his health hadn't prevented it. His friendships & interests were work related, so he has found retirement very hard.

Some people do not want to face the evidence that they have health and mobility problems. It reminds them of their mortality and possible memories of parents and relations getting old and vulnerable and possibly the irritation they felt when saw older family members becoming unable to do things.

I suspect that could be a problem with your DH. He doesn't want to admit that he can no longer walk to the shops, might even be reaching a time when he cannot drive.

Could you make a lot of the discussion about you, about what you are having difficulty doing, if necessary, exaggerate your problems, express your desire to move, rather than emphasise his problems.

It is very much a man thing.

I am not that age yet, but I have come across plenty of people like your husband.

Do you have any time away from him?

If you went away for a week or a few days for instance, to stay with a friend or relative, how would he cope?
It could be a bit of an eye opener for him.

I sympathise. Would it be a good idea to not mention it for a month and see if it has sown a seed? Have you any children? Could they talk to their dad? Perhaps he needs more time to come to terms with his failing health. Wishing you well.