worry worry worry

When my son was going through something similar I used to say 'Their loss,' when he told me he'd been unsuccessful in a job interview. Its so easy for them to lose confidence when they are going through a period of knock backs and things just not working out.
Another tip is to talk about resilience. This is a character trait that appears to be in short supply for many younger people today and they need to understand that determination, resilience and not letting things grind you down is part and parcel of being a well rounded individual.
And lastly, seeing it all as a bit of a challenge. I've tried to teach my adult children that problem solving means finding solutions not wallowing in self pity. Sounds hard I know, but life can be hard and it can be unfair and there are times in all our lives when we have to deal with the reality of that. Happily, all three have come through tough times in their job searches and career decisions but who knows what the future holds in these times of downsizing and zero hours contracts.

Yes f77ms and PPP. I understand what you say. I'm sorry if I came across as whiney. I do constantly repeat to myself my Dad's mantra which was " Your Health is your Wealth" and try to remember how much worse I felt when I was worried about DS 's health in the past. Hope things improve for you.

I am sure that my parents didn't worry about me in the same way that I worry about my two adult children. But, I didn't have the health problems that my children have and we were of a generation which were financially better off than our parents.
I try to tell myself that they would manage if I were dead. There are also far worse problems than unemployment. Health is all that really matters.

langfordlady It is all relative I suppose . My 40yr old son is recovering from Multiple pulmonary embolisms in both lungs and a hypoxic brain injury caused by PE . I will never worry about the little things again , it helps to put things into perspective .

I agree with M0nica, that worrying doesn't help anyone; it implies a lack of trust, a lack of respect in some ways. We have to trust that they'll find their way, though it can be a nail biting time for us. So if you possibly can don't show him you are worried and don't keep asking for news - he'll tell you when there is some. He might be thinking "Get off my back!" You can always empathise with him "It's so tough out there these days - we had it cushy in many ways - I'm so sorry your generation has got the bum deal" or words to that effect. And I like the suggestions of practical help, if it's possible to do that without undermining his sense of self respect. GOOD LUCK! And feel free to remind me of the above when I'm whittling, because I do.

Thanks TriciaF. Some time ago I had a chat with a friend of mine who outwardly has everything sorted. However she then told me about her daughter, whose problems are legion and who relies on Mum to sort them.
My friend was on the coach from the airport at the start of a holiday abroad when her daughter texted her saying "The S<*] has hit the fan."
My friend & her husband flew straight back home, knowing all too well that the text had ruined the holiday anyway, if they had chosen to continue with it.

My children were 10, 7 and 5 when their father died in a car crash. We were young, had been childhood sweethearts.
I remember very clearly thinking that I would get through, I was still very young and had my life in front of me. But I also knew that they would never get over losing their father.
And so it has been. I have tried to be mother and father at times, and finally, after some dreadful mistakes, brought a good and decent man into the family - but although he tried he was never accepted as Dad, and why should he be?
My children, now middle aged, have always shown that they missed their father to talk to, to advise. I worry about them and will for always. I am their mother, it's my job.

Absolutely Ladies...of course we'll always worry...naturally thats what being a Mum is all about isn't it?...along with the happy times..there's got to be a little rain sometimes...& no one ever promised us a rose garden...as the song goes.....but i'd have that worry a million times over....for the gift of having my smashing son and daughter!!

Leticia...you've summed things up so well....what a way to put things!...yes ...you can only be as happy as your least happiest child...it goes without saying..that every mum/gran knows...if your sons or daughters are experiencing unhappiness...we feel that pain twice as deep....somehow we keep going...& all has a way of turning out for the best..positivity is the forward & I wish it to you all[flower]x

Langford lady & Merlot gran...
so sorry to hear of your worries...it seems to be a part of life as we grow into our mature years...I certainly feel for you both..having experienced worrying times a plenty..Take heart & keep as positive as you can..difficult as it is..hold onto the thought that nothing is set in stone..and these awful momments do pass...thinking of you and wishing you positive outcomes..which I just know you'll be posting on here soon..hugs & best wishes..xx[flower]

I find motherhood much more worrying when you have adult children. When you look back problems with children are so much easier when you could 'kiss and make better'. I read somewhere that you can only ever be as happy as your least happy child, which I think is true.
You just have to keep it secret and stay positive. Good luck.

Hi langfordlady. I do hope your son hears some good news soon. It's such a worry, you think once they are grown up it will be easier with them but it isn't they are just different worries from when they were small. I know how you feel there is not much you can do or say other than to be there for them. Good luck

Unfortunately for most of us parents I do not think you can ever be totally free of worrying about your children small or adult. It is simply because we care and want to protect our young.

Unfortunately for most of us parents I do not think you can ever be totally free of worrying about your children small or adult. It is simply because we care and want to protect our young.

With 6 children between us, I'd be in my grave if I worried about all of them but I have had my moments. When they have been out of work, I have sent them links to jobs I think they might be interested in but may not have seen in the hope it will increase their chances of success. DH and I are well versed in the art of CV's and Application forms so we give them help there if they want it. It is difficult to find the balance between being supportive and pushy but at the end of the day they know that we are really rooting for them. I worry more if they aren't trying to help themselves or are deliberately kiboshing themselves because then that really is a problem.

Yes the worry never stops just changes, I am worrying about GS1 at present, he will be looking for a job soon and has a speech problem I just hope someone will see past it and give him a chance. Something which struck me this morning, all the DC are away on holiday at the moment, in the past this would just mean waiting for a postcard but now we get daily texts and pictures which is lovely in one way but keeps anxiety levels going when you hear the hair raising things that are going on. I wish everyone well with children who are looking for jobs and coping with health problems.

I constantly worry about my two big sons, 37 and 34. Sometimes with good cause and sometimes not. I really believe we worry much more as we get older. I certainly do and several friends agree. Methinks we should listen to NotTooOld!

Both daughter and son in law's jobs are ending, they're both in their forties. They are really up beat about it. They don't have children, do have savings and will be getting redundancy money so they plan to travel together before looking for new jobs. My worry is not them but my mum who is 92. I know she will worry about them so haven't told her yet. Will have to bite the bullet soon. She's always been a worrier and this seems to be intensifying. Maybe because she feels helpless. A period of unemployment seems likely for everyone now and can be very unsettling for all concerned. I try not to ask people who are going through it how it's going, I know I'll hear soon enough when there's some good news. I agree with the poster who says to be on hand with treats. Sounds like a great plan.

mcculloch29 your post rings so many bells with me, as regards our eldest daughter. Some of her problems would make your hair stand on end!Or maybe not if you read Mumsnet and Gransnet.
Like you, when younger I went through some very bad times but never told my parents.
It must be different if they live close by.

I worry all the time about my adult children. My sons job has become very insecure and he's got very little by way of qualifications to fall back on and just buries his head in the sand. My daughter is expecting her first baby and I've totally bitten my nails down to the quick!!

They are 46 and 42 and I still worry - I think it is natural to be honest but the trick is not to let them see it. Langfordlady - in the 1980's recession my husband lost a really good job and we heard somewhere that it is easier to get a job when you already have one. He swallowed his pride and took all sorts - part time, full time but anything to be employed and eventually was successful in getting permanent, full time employment. Perhaps your son would consider a similar path ?

all your comments are so reassuring. Someone said that worrying didn't help anyone, and the thing is, I KNOW that, but it changes nothing. A few years ago, I did a CBT course which did help a bit, but the theory is easier than the practice. i understand the catastrophising thing too, which I am definitely guilty of, and I am working on that as we speak. My son hasn't heard about the job interview so it's not looking good. I texted last night. This is the conversation
"Any news?"
"Nope"
"Weird"
"Give up"
"Don't do that!"
"No I won't. I'm too strong to do that"
He's not a man of many words!
So, I'm relieved and disappointed at the same time.

DD recently passed her driving test - I've never worried so much in all my life. DSIL has now bought a wee gadget that will track your loved ones in their vehicles, and alert next of kin and emergency services automatically if anything untoward happens. This has helped a lot, but I still worry every day. They are always our babies, even when grown up and with their own offspring!

As a child, I could not understand my mother's worrying. Now I'm a mother, I can SO understand it.

Like monica I used to hide things from my own mother because she would worry (and kind of make it about her).

I now hide my worries about dd from her. If I'm not worried, I worry about not worrying.

Can't win!

I don't worry as much as I used to as DS has a very strong marriage, a lovely wife, a secure career (or as secure as can be these days) and they're settled and happy, with a baby due in 6 days!
At one point they were both doing a lot of motorway travelling for several hours a day to and from work, which worried me greatly, but now DS can walk to his office and DDiL drives 10 miles on main, but not dreadfully busy roads.
Of course at the moment, I'm worrying about the impending birth, but that's worry mixed with excitement.
It's natural for us to worry about them, they never stop being our babies!