Being left out!

Thankyou for your replies lovely ladies, it was nice to hear some advise. I have joined a book club at my local library, I am the youngest there (53) but it is quite stimulating. Unfortunately as I retired on ill health it's the health issues that stop me from getting out every day, I did volunteer at a local charity run cafe but it made me too tired so I had to stop going. Anyhow...I am tomorrow going to meet a lady who was put in touch with me by a hospital nurse (we have the same illness) so I shall see how that goes and make sure I listen rather than talk

In a 30 year of work, I only made 2 close friends. One of these friendships drifted gently into oblivion. My friend had emigrated to Australia many decades ago and we gradually drifted apart. My other friend died a few years ago.

I do belong to several groups where I share common interests and I have many solid friendships within those groups, but although a number would keep in touch if I moved away, it would probably be online contact rather than meeting up.

When DH retired he joined the indoor bowling group in our village hall and, while he didn't make any close friends, he made many 'street' friends so that now, when he goes to the shop or the pub he knows people and can share in village gossip.

My advice would be - keep off Facebook. What you don't know can't hurt you. I used to be on Facebook and realised I was constantly being left out of stuff. I am happier being oblivious.

Spacemum - the people you work with are never real friends. I went through births, marriages and deaths over ten years with three women and when I left work I never heard from any of them again. I have found that joining classes is a good way to meet people with whom you have things in common. Have you thought about joining a book group? You are obviously a nice person with a lot to offer. Take it easy and you will find that you will people who appreciate you.

I sympathise and empathise, often feeling very similar myself. A long standing friend of mine (20+ years) mentioned the other day that she realised she wasn't a very good friend as she never suggests we get together and it always comes from me - she's right, but she hasn't altered how she behaves yet!!! On the other hand, I have made friends with another lady only recently, and she is often inviting me over for coffee and a chat and keeps in touch very regularly. People tend to fall into either category, and in my experience more in the first type than second. It feels like most of the time I'm the one making the effort - although I do realise some people lead very busy lives and I don't!

It hurts when you put effort into a friendship that is not reciprocated, so your reaction in my view is understandable - you sound a sensitive soul and sometimes that makes friendships and relationships a double edged sword.

In order to solve the problem for myself I started up a book club, inviting only 3 people to start with - other ladies who lived nearby who I knew as acquaintances. I was honest and said I needed to branch out into some new friendships and that was my reason. We now are a group of 8 as other people were suggested and joined, and our age range mid fifties to early eighties! It has worked very well, we meet each month, sometimes have lunch out as well, and three of us have just started a monthly supper evening where we each contribute to the meal, and other halves come too. Might something similar help your situation?

Warmest wishes to you.

Such good advice from N&G and I do send you my sympathies whilst you are feeling lonely have you thought about offering your expertise to volunteering in any of your local Charity Shops possibly with ladies of a similar age as yourself,my ladies who work for me in my shop do tend to meet outside of their volunteered hours for coffee and a chat and are arranging a days trip to a Christmas Market when the time comes around,we also go as a shop team to a local pub after work for a cheap & cheerful meal and get together about every 3 months which keeps us all in the link.Just think you have now as N&G said you have stumbled on a whole new pile of GN friends,

That all sounds a bit lonely , so I'm sorry you feel that way.

You say only 3 out of 20 friends kept in touch - did you keep in touch with them? If they haven't retired I'm sure time is at a premium so maybe in that instance you have to do the lions share of the organising?

Maybe invite them to lunch near the workplace? Something short, sweet, not too time consuming?

There are friends who are 'users' needing support and an emotional prop when times are hard but falling by the wayside when things improve. I think in those cases you either accept them for what they are or be a little less available and risk them drifting away too.

Perhaps stop waiting for an invite in your group and invite others. Be a good listener at first - they're hard to resist . Maybe the two ladies who didn't want you to join them are a bit exclusive , be polite and accept they don't want you to be friends.

As for your friend who forgot to invite you to the baby shower, if you aren't close to the mum to be maybe that's why shade idea not to invite you. You could be upset about it, or you could send a small token gift and card and just accept it.

Anyway, you've found your way here and we do have meet ups so maybe there will be one I your area ( or arrange one) and you will have found another group of friends