Husband's pornography use

This isn't really about the porn, but he's certainly using it as an excuse to separate himself from you. If he wants to live in his lair why not let him???

Can you split your house down the middle so you each have your own areas?
I certainly wouldn't be making any meals for him. Treat him as he treats you and see how he likes it!

If you don't feel able to leave and start over on your own then at least live your life to suit yourself and be as happy as you can. Don't let him grind you down any more.

Wishing happiness for you!

Come on! There's a huge difference between "looking at porn" and staying up all night doing God knows what - that sounds like an addiction to me.

I dont think it is so much the porn habit, which is revolting in itself, it is the dismissal of your feelings and disregard for the effect on your relationship. You dont have a relationship to be honest, it is all on his terms, nothing on yours. In your place, i would leave him as the thought of what he was looking at in his spare room would make my flesh creep. But, he is the children's father, so perhaps you could just confirm what they will likely have suspected, and just say your marriage has broken down without giving them reasons. Tell him you are going, and that unless he makes it financially possible for you to do so, by i.e selling your joint home, then you will tell everyone why you are leaving. Blackmail yes, but no worse than the deceit, disloyalty and cruelty that he is showing you.

Lots of men look at porn !!!! oh yes but they do not get out the binoculars ! they do not demean their wife , He is a dirty old man ! Can you get a separation on other grounds if you do not want to tell the children the real reason ? You are only 60 you have years to be happy , get out ,

Lots of men look at porn. I say that as a retired GP. Don't feel that your situation is unusual although it is very upsetting and sad. Have you got a close friend you can confide in? Have you and your hubby stopped having a sexual relationship? There are lots of factors to consider. Maybe it would help to talk to your husband about how you feel possibly with a Relate counsellor as well. Think back to why you first fell in love with him and married him. Can anything good be redeemed from this relationship? I hope things improve for you.

I would not be concerned about your H losing his children's regard, but would hesitate, as you say, to dump this unpleasantness on them. I'd only tell any of them if there was a break-up/divorce and they were blaming you for it.

This situation is really sad for you and probably affecting your health more than you know . He has no regard for you or women in general it seems and probably doesn`t see anything wrong with what he is doing . I have been on my own for 10 years , divorced because I could not bear the idea of living a life of misery for the rest of my days . I was scared and didn`t know how I would cope financially and I must say it took some getting used to but I wouldn`t change a thing , I am much happier on my own . I found it helpful to keep a journal to write down my feelings during the last couple of years of my marriage , they make very unhappy reading now but actually helped me to decide what to do .

I think your feelings are very natural, both to women and to men.

I suspect there are a few people, and that might include your children who actually do have some idea about him.

If you seperate you might have some peace?

I am not sure I would tell your children in the first instance.
Perhaps if you started working out how to seperate and started putting a few things in motion, without telling either your child or your husband at the start, you could work out how you feel, and do whatever you feel is best from that point onwards.

You could end up telling one or two people the real reason at some point, and not others. Or not. Your choice. I wouldnt have thought that your husband would.

His use of porn signals to me that he has no regard for you. Spying on a neighbour is beyond disrespectful, and his attitude to you...well.

Porn is easy to access nowadays, but, even if you're ok with it, his prolific use of it whilst knowing how you feel about it smacks of contempt for you. I kind of sympathise as I'm in a similar situation myself. .

I think you should tell your kids, though, particularly the lad. They're adults; they could be a reliable source of support for you, particularly if you feel unable to discuss the matter with a friend.

Crikey, he doesn't have much respect for women does he. You do not have to protect him, that's not your responsibility, tell your daughters. I will put money on it that they will not be surprised.

I've heard about the obsession with porn on the internet a lot lately, and it has ruined a lot of marriages. Even in the religious community we belong to.
Yours is a bit different, because it has gone on pre-internet, but has the same root, someone who is a voyeur. It's an addiction, after all this time he's going to find it hard to change, even if he wanted to.
A very difficult decision, but I agree with others,leave him if it's practically possible.
If you think you can't tell his children the truth, just say we're getting on eachother's nerves, can't cope any more.
Knowing families, they'll probably find out eventually anyway.

Yes Rosesarered, I've been on the verge of telling my adult daughters now in their thirties (not my son though - imagine it would be too shaming for him and also confusing considering his father's his male role model). However, I've always pulled back from the brink of telling them even though they both know things are pretty bad between us. When I suggested it to husband he (obviously) doesn't want me to discuss it with them as he thinks he would lose their regard (at least there's a hint of shame there?). Neither do I want to dump this horrible issue on their undeserving shoulders - he is their father after all. I constantly reconsider this decision though and wonder if it would be better all round if I opened it up to them. One daughter's partner wouldn't respect confidentiality I suspect and I wouldn't trust him to respond appropriately. I think that daughter especially would be horrified. I'm in a tight corner I feel, carrying a heavy, heavy burden that should be his.

Well said rosesared - I agree with you.

What a rotten situation for you.I understand from your post that you can't divorce, it does take money and effort, which many people forget.So, if you have to stay in the marital home, you can still tell your husband how it all makes you feel, and if he doesn't care, I would tell your grown up children for a start, they need to understand and be helpful to you.If all else fails, tell him you will be living a totally separate life,albeit under the same roof.?

Yes Grannyknot, I think most people would find it hard to believe if they met him socially. He comes over as a decent person, trustworthy and an upright citizen. TBH other aspects of him are decent but he won't get help. Really don't think he considers he needs it. As you say, a horrible sitaution and I can't see a way out other than leaving my home - but to go where? At least he's still working so the house is mine during the day.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation 123gran.

That should be "whether the neighbour..."

This post is upsetting for me because years ago when I was a young mum one of our neighbours (also a young mum) came to our door in a very upset state because she had seen a man at her bedroom window looking through a gap in the curtains, she had been changing. Her husband was not at home at the time, she was totally freaked out. The police were called and their enquiries eventually led to someone else in the street, someone we all knew and socialised with, the husband of another couple in the local "nappy valley" gang. We all wondered how many and whose windows he had been at ...

Creepy.

Thank you so much for your feedback all. As you can imagine, I don't talk to many people about this. For some reason I need others' opinions to validate my own. Never sure if I'm being a prude but nevertheless my feelings are very real and always have been. Now I've got other women's opinions on the situation I think it will strengthen me and allow me to feel more confident that my feelings are natural. I don't have huge amounts of self confidence especially as a woman and knowing how others would feel in this situation will definitely strengths me.

I wonder what the neighbour would have "got over it" if she knew she was being spied on by a Peeping Tom.

He's just a dirty old man. I would have kicked him out before now.

I am so sorry. You haven't a marriage really , are you fearful of living alone? I have lived alone for years , widowed, I could be wrong but I think your loneness is unbearable my love. Only you know how much you care for this man and only you can decide if you want out of this marriage. Perhaps you need to talk to a councillor? You need to share this not struggle alone

TBH 123gran I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. Maybe I'm a bit of a prude but I find the idea of pornography rather distasteful especially within a relationship where the partner isn't 'in' to it.

To have been told to 'get over it' when you found it difficult to come to terms with him spying on you neighbour was bad enough, but to have continued with his fascination even though he must realise how this upsets you and to make very little, or no attempt to spare your feelings by being as discreet as possible, is the behaviour of very selfish and self centered man.

Your feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger should never have been overlooked; it is a betrayal IMO. I don't know what I'd do in your position but I certainly wouldn't tell my children. You say you do little together, not even going on holiday. You question whether you have the energy or strength to change the status quo; do you have enough of either for things to carry on us they are?

You say you care for him and wonder what his feelings are toward you; tell him how you feel and ask how he feels about you. Perhaps the answer he gives will help you decide what you should do.

I wish you well

In reply to your question, I would be long gone.

I would feel as bad as you obviously do. It seems that you've already tried counselling to no avail.

I put his dinner in front of him every night, he pays the utility bills ........ what a sad statement.

Maybe it's time for you to think about a life on your own.

Personally I would seperate from him.

What would you like to do though?