Sound advice needed please

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I feel stronger for knowing your thoughts.

Hello Lucky Legs, we don't live together. I acted as a carer for 2 years for my dear husband who was terminally ill and lived on for nearly 2 years. I gave up my own career, which was incidentally in medicine and after he had passed stayed in the family home for 6 years until I felt ready to make a move. When I moved I bought a property needing a refurb which I took on as a project to keep me busy just a walk away from the friend in question. That was now 9 years ago, I'm loving my own home ..thank goodness I have it! With regard to his family, they are ok with me but not at all as friendly and welcoming as mine towards him. If he were to die I suspect I would not have any contact unless I made the effort. He has his health issues, but is now back to playing golf again(the love of his life) so is still fairly fit for his age. I have no problem with golf etc as I am a golfer also. There is so much more I could write a book.

This situation is not 'OK'. It will only get worse. I should value and look fondly on the nice times you have had together but move on as amicably as you can manage. When your friend realises he is going to lose his scapegoat he will do everything in his power to keep you, the usual sequence being to start with charm and entreaties and finishing with threats and worse. You will have to get yourself into a frame of mind where you expect to be challenged but can resist and be strong. Good luck.

nana A long trip to Australia now sounds like really good advice. When you get back you can look at your relationship with fresh eyes and the decision won't be hard to make.
Good luck and ?

Lovely lady, you are in an abusive relationship, you are a victim. I would take his advice and not come back. Work on your self esteem and spend your time with people that want to hear your voice, not silence you.

I agree with PPs - keep him at arm's length! I speak from the perspective of my ex (16 years since we split) behaving in ways that strongly suggest some sort of dementia. In my heart I am very thankful that we are not still married, because the love that would be required to take on the caring role isn't there.

Unless you're very wealthy moving to Australia isn't possible at our age (I've investigated this myself), which leaves you with the options to stay put, move nearer your other child, move back to where your family home was or move somewhere else entirely. Wherever you go you'll want to find activities and friendships to fill the gaps that your friend has occupied over recent years. Book club? Volunteering? Walking group? The onus is on you to get out and about! Longer, more frequent visits to Australia might be possible now, too.

I personally would go on a long solo trip to Oz for as long as a visitor visa allows. Relax, reflect and move on. Visit the sights, move on the NZ and Tasmania while you are in the Antipodes. Live life.

You owe this man nothing other than friendship and that can be done from a distance should you wish to keep it going. Get away before his family depend upon you even more than they already are. You are young, and should be enjoying holidays and trips with people who treat their friends with mutual courtesy and respect. Seeing him every day could soon drift into cooking his dinner, doing his laundry.....all things which are up to his family to organise if he is no longer able to do so. There are many on here who will tell you how difficult it is living with dementia (if it is that, not just being a bullying pig), and they love the person they are caring for. To be blunt: In 10 years time, if he is dead, will his family thank you/take care of you financially/compensate for the loss of your fit healthy years? I very much doubt it. Move away, visit your family in Australia, break the pattern of bullying dependency.

As Anya says - run for the hills. You don't need this. It may take a bit of courage to get away from what sounds like a controlling man but you must do it. Either by moving or by telling him firmly that you have had enough - and meaning it. Good luck!

Move back nearer your DC in the UK and join in with clubs, U3A etc. Make a life for yourself without depending on just one person.
It is lovely to have a companion to go on holiday with etc, but this has run its course.

Or emigrate to Australia if you are brave!

Yes, run for the hills.

I can see why you are confused.
I dont understand though why moving away would solve anything?[perhaps I have missed something from what you have said].
I think your situation is difficult. Like MargaretX thinks, I think you know deep down what to do.

Please do not put up with any abuse, you did not marry for a reason, you don't say whether you actually live together and whether it would be relatively easy to move. You don't want to be at the receiving end of caring for him, you are getting older yourself and the toll of caring for anyone when you are young takes every bit of strength if you are married and have a history together, but I know that the older you get the harder it is.

Yes distance yourself. He sounds as though he is not very likeable any more. You didn't marry him so he is not your responsibility .

I agree with J52

Also, you could end up being his full time carer, it seems as though his sons are avoiding responsibility for him whilst you are there and are leaving you to do their share though it is not your problem

Carry on with your life, very gently keep in touch but allow yourself to relinquish responsibility, his sons should be made aware of his change

Good luck, not easy but perhaps it for the best

I agree with the advice of others. You have obviously been close friends for many years and have enjoyed each other's company, but you must put yourself first. You do not owe him anything as he has 'dismissed you'. He has had the benefit of your company and now is abusive, regardless of the cause.

I'd get on with my own life now and please myself with a stress/argument free life!

Hope it works put

Nannyloveshopping has it exactly right, make your own life and be happy.

I would be well away by now , no man should demean his wife and make her subservient , you are a good friend , so even less reason for him to treat you so badly . If he is ill it is for the family to get help , tell his sons to take him to the Doctor ,in law there is nothing you can do , please look after yourself xxx

I get the feeling that deep down you know what you need to do now. There is no hope for the realationship when it sounds like he is beginning to get signs of dementia.
He was a business man and now he has to come to terms that actually he is just an old man who nobody listens to anymore.

It does not sound as if your relationship with him can get better. Experience shows that such people always get worse.
Sell up and move back to where you lived or some other nice town and try to forget him. Do it while you are still fit and have the energy to do it.

I am living with this daily and certainly wouldn't if he wasn't my H. It is a very difficult thing to cope with.
If it is illness of any kind you should leave it wrll alone.

Run for the hills

Yes, NfkDumpling, he has always been strong minded, but underneath he needs reassurance. He likes to be the centre of attention and is always the one telling jokes and gets upset if people don't laugh. I would say he is is fuelled by vanity and is self centred to sum him up. If it is dementia as you say I'm not sure I can cope with this behaviour. His wife was always subservient to him and I think put him on a pedestal so this is how he wants me to be. I cannot be a wife substitute. Annsixty, he does have sons and all are a bit disfunctional, who you think I should ask them if they've noticed anything different. I'm a bit scared of opening up a real can of worms.

I think that possibly he is ill
Watch for his memory worsening and if it does, run a mile.
Does he have family? Are they noticing changes?
Look after yourself.

Oh dear, it's difficult. You've had 15 years of mostly good times and it's nice to have someone to share your life - but he's not your husband, just a good friend of whom you're fond. Has he always been a bit bullying - sorry, strong minded? Are you prepared and strong enough if it's dementia and he gets worse?

He's told you to leave and not come back. I must say, in your shoes, I think I would.