What do I do now?

I think you have done quite enough peacelily to placate what sounds like a very controlling and demanding daughter. As others have said, I would keep the lines of communication loosely open but not allow this to dominate your life. I know it's difficult to just let it be but that's what I would do for the moment.

Give her time and space to think about her behaviour, which I think is very grasping and unreasonable. (She says that she has been angry with you for 20 years about the break-up with your ex but it seems rather a coincidence that this supposed anger has erupted now that an inheritance is involved. It sounds more like she is trying to find reasons to behave badly).

The money was left to you by somebody who valued you and wanted you to have it. It was therefore incredibly nice of you to give it to someone else - especially someone so unappreciative of your kindness.

I wonder if something else is going on in your daughter's life that is making her grumpy? Even so, if it were me I would tell her that you love and miss them all, but then leave it, get on with life and wait for her to come round and approach you. Meanwhile, if she sees her brother you can perhaps know that she's ok from him.
It is very common for children, especially daughters, to be on dad's side in a divorce case, they are torn between their natural love and closeness with their mum and the one sided stories and self pity they probably get from their father.

Oh dear peacelilly you sound very upset about all this understandably. Could you ask to meet your DD for a coffee on mutual ground as an ice breaker, and listen to her side too. I know it's a long round trip for you but maybe you could both travel a little way each? Maybe she thought she would inherit more from MIL especially if there had been no divorce. We never know what life has in store but we do know we have today. Good luck.

Agree with that bags and lion pops, your daughter has behaved like a greedy brat, sorry to put it so bluntly, and I would stop trying to win her around and just ignore her how ever hard it is. And as for leaving your money to her in your will, well I would forget it, give it to someone who has shown you true friendship or to some needy cause.

I wasn't objecting, Ana I was broadly agreeing with you, but also adding that we don't know all the ins and outs, or even what is in and what is out. In all these requests for advice from people who are strangers to us all, we only know what they tell us.

Wills, divorce and sibling rivalry are all bad news. Put them all together and you have a recipe for disaster..

Oh please don't back off completely! Just keep sending the odd chatty text. Ask how she is, how the grandkids are, the weather, anything. Keep the line open. But casually.

I should add that my DD and I went through a sticky patch and 6-8 years ago. It worked for me and things are much, much better these days.

I hope it works for you too

Many thanks Anya, I will back off.
Thanks Melanie and all other posters for comments

Sorry, Elegran, I didn't mean to sound so abrupt!

However badly our offspring behave and however much we may want to cut them off it is the hardest thing in the world to do. Some people can do it and others just can't. I think Peacelily would suffer enormously if she did that. Peacelily has to take care of herself the best way she can. I could slap that selfish daughter, but then I'm not her mother. to you dear lady.

Despite everything you still want to build a better relationship with your daughter, that I understand.

First of all you won't do it if you sound needy and she feels she has the upper hand. So far she's made you dance to her tune. That's not the foundation a good, loving relationship is built on.

I don't know if you can salvage this, but you do need to back off a bit and let her do some of the approaching you. If she does then respond appropriately ie politely and kindly but not OTT. And build on that.

If she doesn't approach you then I'm afraid the relationship is doomed anyway. You might have to accept that.

So does the last paragraph of mine (both posts)

Whether I missed a post or not, the last paragraph of my post still stands!

Just one further thought; your inclusion in exMIL's will is testament to how she felt about you. She's probably spinning in her grave at the goings-on following her death.

DD sounds a real piece of work, you've given her your inheritance and she is still not happy with you. Cut the apron strings nobody needs that kind of agro.

I'd say that where you go from here is away from your never-loving daughter, and let her make the next move. She and her brother have your share of their grandmother's legacy, which MiL wanted you to have, and she has behaved like a sulky four-year-old about a decision which was made, not by you but by her grandmother, and which you have already reversed when there was no need for you to do it.

That is, unless there were things said and done on both sides which you are not telling us about. We don't know whether there were things you said to her that she cannot forgive, as well as the things she said to you. We can't tell whether she believes that you influenced your MiL into including you in the will, or whether she has good reason to believe that. We don't know what jealousies have been simmering for 15 years and have been exposed by this will business.

We only know what we read, and we don't even know whether what we read is truly the right story. So any advice given can only be very general.

No, ana You've missed a post, understandably.

Peacelily AND her son AND her daughter inherited from MiL, but the son and daughter didn't want peacelily to get anything. Daughter somehow became executor by default (why didn't ex-DH become executor by default?) She then took advantage of her position to apply pressure to deprive her mother of her inheritance. Peacelily handed over her share, but daughter is still not happy. Peacelily has tried to heal the breach and has invited daughter over but daughter won't come. Daughter was 18 when parents separated, but seems to have sided with father.

I think.

So your DD and your ex wanted you to be cut out of MIL's Will even though it was her wish that you inherit and not them! What a pair they sound...

Your DD has manipulated you to get her own way and is still not satisfied, of course. You must do what you think best, but I wouldn't give her the time of day after the way she's behaved!

Things keep changing and i m getting more muddled... so are you saying your ex husband and daughter were in this together and trying to get you cut out of the will ( so if that was the case didnt you know your daughter was 'against' you) ALSO how does someone 2 generations away become executor by default ?

I would just act as you normally act with her text or message her as often and in the same manner as you ve always done I wouldnt be asking her if all is well (that gives her control over you) just act as if its all over and done with or never happened, and it is over basically, your kids have both had your money so they should both be satisfied

So she was after your money. And used her status as Executor to try to get it.

Under those circumstances, I think you're daft for wanting a reconciliation.

Life's too short for this misery.

A deed of variation seems pretty simple to set up but must be submitted within two years of the death. As far as I can see by googling it, a letter to the executors is sufficient. A solicitor is not required and, if it doesn't affect inheritance tax, HMRC aren't interested in it. If you gifted your inheritance money after the final processing of the will, your children will have to pay tax on it unless you survive for seven years. To check that all conditions are met, you can download a form from the HMRC website. Any legally trained members on here to clarify?

jinglbell
I think you are right. she was 18. ex now happily remarried
Thanks

Thanks for clarifying, Peacelily . It sounds as though she got what she wanted, unless of course she wasn't planning on letting her brother share! Regardless, she's making you unhappy and it really doesn't seem as though you've done anything to provoke her attitude. It's natural that you would want to talk things over and personally that would be a dealbreaker for me. You seem to be more forgiving than I am, so my advice would be (as PPs have suggested) that you keep in contact and wait for her to thaw out a bit. I definitely wouldn't be discussing the relationship with my son, except in the most general of terms and then only if he raised the subject first.

It sounds a horrible situation and I hope that time will heal some of the wounds that she has inflicted .

Oh it's all down to money squabbling, which is nasty. Are you sure you want to get back with her? There is life outside of grandchildren you know. And this is just making you miserable.