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I think my son is bullying me

(74 Posts)
PDawn Fri 16-Sep-16 23:40:02

I've come to the conclusion that my 33 year old son is bullying me. I live alone and divorced his father when he was 14. He does not live with me, he rents a room 14 miles away but he visits my home often. He is single, unemployed and hasn't had regular work for a number of years. He is often short of cash, so if he needs money, I help him out even though he reluctantly accepts the offer of cash or bank transfers. He is verbally aggressive, critical of my lifestyle including my diet, how, what and when I cook or eat, dislikes my friends and seems to disapprove of how I choose to spend my time. He makes what I consider are unreasonable demands on me asking for help with such tasks as washing his clothes, internet banking, rent & housing advice expecting an instant response even if I'm busy, tired or unable to help due to other commitments. If I say I am unable to help instantly he gets agitated and doesn't seem to understand that I can't always be available when it's convenient for him. When I do agree to offer help advice, this is often rejected or I am criticised if he doesn't agree with my suggestions.

When I do attempt to help, I try to offer the most practical solution. He often calls me a control freak and whatever I suggest he rejects. This creates tension and arguments resulting in my son raising his voice either on the telephone or in my home. I do not retaliate but he continues to behave in a verbally aggressive manner. He refuses to see that this type of conduct is not acceptable, especially in my home. He once left some paperwork on my dining room table and as he'd just left the house for the bus, I took it to him at the bus stop which is just over the road. He was so angry that I'd followed him that he frogmarched me back over the road and tried to push me down the street yelling at me to go home.

He accuses me of behaving like a victim if I protest or become upset. I find it difficult to say no most of the time because of the hassle and upset it would cause. I also feel guilty because of his medical history and because I think that his father wasn't around for him during and after the divorce and worry about the effect it has had on him. He was diagnosed with OCD at the age of 14, he is also dyslexic, is noise sensitive, suffers from depression and has pectus excavatum which doesn't help with his outlook on life. He is also a cannabis and nicotine smoker. At heart he is a kind and considerate young man, intelligent with good manners, but when he visits me I'm the person who bears the brunt of the aggression. He often behaves like this towards his 84 year old grandmother who is more sensitive than me but has a larger home with a spare room he can escape to.

What can I do? I am certainly not the type of person to accept this type of treatment from anyone else but I am at a loss to know how to deal with this situation. I am 61, a single grandmother, (I have a married daughter too). I was made redundant after 14 years in June. I've just been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, I'm stressed, tired and need to slow down but how can I do this if I am worrying about my son most of the time?

Sparkling Sun 27-Sep-20 05:17:07

He is bullying you. Say no more, don't engage until he is civil and seeks help. Protect your self, by allowing it you are not helping him, I certainly wouldn't have him living with you as someone suggested. Don't even think of it. You need safe space not living on the edge 24/7. Find out where he can get help, then it's up to him.

J52 Sun 27-Sep-20 06:34:19

This thread is 4 years old. I’m sure something’s sorted by now!

Toadinthehole Sun 27-Sep-20 12:31:19

Show him this post, and say if things don’t change, you won’t be able to see him at all. He certainly does need professional help by the sounds of it, and maybe you could get this started, but you need to protect yourself, and his grandmother. All the best to you.

Toadinthehole Sun 27-Sep-20 12:31:52

Oh darn it....another old thread!!

Darvill Thu 03-Mar-22 18:18:11

I have only just joined this website and seen some of the bullying letters and I would like to have opinions and anywhere I can go for help
We have our 30 year old son living at home with his girlfriend they do pay housekeeping but not much
The problems are that he gets very abusive towards me when things aren’t going well for him or if he’s having a bad day
He’s been like it for years but I’ve just put up with it… he is my only son and his Father and I are in a bad relationship son and has never had a good relationship with his Father and we were very close… my son hasn’t been that happy for a while ….he expected a deposit for a house from us when he was recently 30 The area we live in is so expensive and we don’t have the odd £20.000 in our back pockets but since then he has been abusive to me hiding my things criticising my housekeeping telling me I have no friends I never go out so I am unable to socialise ( I volunteer for a charity and am out most days)
He tells me I should get a job ( Im 65) as I contribute nothing to the household and do nothing all day and anything else that he can throw at me…. Two days ago I’d had enough and told him to leave as it was making me ill …he said ‘make me’ and called me a f******old bitch and started slamming doors
To everyone outside our home think he is a kind helpful person ( and to be fair he can be) but he does have anger issues
I live treading on eggshells in case I say the wrong thing
Friends have said change the locks and put his stuff outside but he would end up damaging our cars or even worse
I love him but I can’t go on like this
I would like to talk to a support group at length about this as Im at the end of my tether but I don’t know where to start… we are not talking and avoid each other at home
I am convinced my son has some sort of disorder and Im very worried about the situation

GagaJo Thu 03-Mar-22 18:35:51

I've recently realised my DD acts very much like a possessive husband/boyfriend and acts in a way to isolate me from friends and family. This has only just dawned on me despite losing friends and being out of contact with family in the past due to it.

Now I've realised, I can refuse to give in to it. It makes me angry that I didn't work it out sooner and that I've allowed her to do it. If it'd been a man, I'd have been right on it, but it honestly never crossed my mind that a female, younger than me, would act this way.

Aveline Thu 03-Mar-22 18:44:04

Just a thought OP, why is your not working? Maybe if he had a job and that filled his days he wouldn't need or be able to spend so much time with you.

MerylStreep Thu 03-Mar-22 18:54:00

I doubt if the OP will answer your question.
She posted in Sep. 2016

Aveline Thu 03-Mar-22 19:16:21

? well spotted MerylStreep! Gosh. I wonder what happened in the end.

Madgran77 Thu 03-Mar-22 19:39:30

Darvill and Gagajo. I suggest you start new threads so that posters focus on your concerns rather than the 4 year old OP

M0nica Thu 03-Mar-22 20:39:44

Change the locks, email or text him to tell him what you have done, move the car to another road and tell him if he causes any trouble you will call the police - and if he does, do so. Perhaps talk to the police first.

The longer you let these thing run the worse and messier the final result is.

welbeck Thu 03-Mar-22 21:10:09

you need to start a new thread so that people will read your post.
click on active at the top of the page, then go across to the box that says [start new discussion in...], click on that and pick a section headin.
you can then copy and past your post above into a new query.
good luck.
by the way, there are many sources of help; police for domestic abuse/ co-ercive control, age uk, action on elder abuse.
also tell your doctor and get it recorded on your medical notes. that may be needed later to establish a pattern of abuse.

Chewbacca Thu 03-Mar-22 21:20:17


DeeZ Sun 24-Apr-22 03:50:33

I didn't even read your entire post. All I can offer is that you're under no obligation to your adult son. In fact you're enabling him. Tell him to get his head out of his butt and grow the heck up. He obviously has no respect for you. Show him he can't bully and use you and maybe your relationship will improve. But tell him you'll always love him.

nanna8 Sun 24-Apr-22 07:10:39

You are most definitely being abused. It is bad for him and bad for you what is going on. Underneath he knows he is doing wrong, I am sure but you are enabling him and it will just keep going. Change what you are doing and get help. You can’t change him but you sure as hell can change yourself and your reactions! In the end I suspect he would thank you for it.

Grannybags Sun 24-Apr-22 09:19:15


nanna8 Sun 24-Apr-22 09:46:22

Probably just as relevant these days as it was then.

JKE1 Mon 09-May-22 23:41:02

get smart - not even. There's nothing new in the behaviour being described here - distressing and unplesant as it is.

Think about how you feel and what would be good for you, he won't 'fix' his life as long as you're supplying the fix. He'll not respect you for it because each time he asks / demands he has less respect for himself.

Aldom Mon 09-May-22 23:53:18

This thread is six years old.

Hithere Mon 09-May-22 23:55:43


Esspee Tue 10-May-22 00:06:51

On Mumsnet there is a warning which comes up telling you that it is an old thread if you try to post on it. Surely Gransnet should have this too.

Boundary Sat 26-Nov-22 10:05:10

My son is 23 and is bullying me. He has always been nasty with me. I know that I am in for the full works of exclusion and the full works when grandchildren arrive and Christmas and any other “family occasions” as time goes on. His girlfriends will always hate me. So I have decided I am not going to buy into it. I am not going to picture myself at any of these fictitious future functional family happy events, so I won’t be disappointed when they don’t materialise.

Caleo Sat 26-Nov-22 12:17:18

I am sorry this young man does not have a wife to help to keep him in order. Has he any friends of his own?

He seems to be too much for you to deal with all by yourself. At the very least, you need to keep your financial affairs private to yourself . Keep your papers in a secret place.

Tell him to leave your house if he starts to behave like the Gestapo.

Do not allow him to lay hands on you unless he does so in friendship. That "frogmarch" was a bad sign. It's not too late to tell this young man he must never touch you again in anger.

Caleo Sat 26-Nov-22 12:18:59

It may be a zombie thread, but there will be other old people in the same situation who may need help and moral support.

Hithere Sat 26-Nov-22 12:35:24

'I am sorry this young man does not have a wife to help to keep him in order."


Women deserve better than being given impossible tasks like this