Meeting DS new girlfriend- or not?

You say to your son I'm there for you 100% but please don't ask me to be part of the relationship you now have.

If you say that you'll have to accept no part of any children the relationship produces

I know she's 50 but I know a couple of women in late 40s who have had children recently so its not impossible

Lots of wonderful advice. I agree son maybe enjoying this ladies attention but I wonder how long this lady will tolerate sharing her young boyfriend with 2 very young children. She doesn't sound like the nappy changing type. Reading some of the replies people don't realise there is a 20 year age gap so the son is 30+ and GF 50+

She is single but has she been married or in a long term relationship and does she have any children? Or is she this smart single business woman we are all picturing.

Stall, ask after the GF. Maybe when you find out more about her it might be easier to meet her on neutral ground. It is good your son is keeping in touch with you No mention of his father or other siblings who could meet her with you.

Have been through similar scenario, although DS girlfriend is same age as him, he left 6 month old baby and 5 year old for her. Was totally on DIL side, felt terrible for her and horrified at sons actions. Did not want any contact with new girlfriend, even though they moved in together straight away, I felt it would be disloyal to DIL. Now 18 months on, DIL met someone, have accepted sons new (now engaged) partner. Trying desperately to maintain relationship with DIL because of access to granddaughters whom we cherish and adore, but divorce been acrimonious to say least, and no matter how hard I try to stay neutral and not get involved am always in wrong. I just care about DGD and want to be there for them, but OMG It is so hard!

No no no been in this situation. If you meet her you are saying to them you agree with them, which you don't. You say to your son I'm there for you 100% but please don't ask me to be part of the relationship you now have. Say to him you have respected him and now you would appreciate if he respects your wishes.Also this will affect your relationship with your DIL, please trust me on this one. Especially as you are also saying he now sounds as if he's having a change of heart.Please think very very carefully.

gillybob I agree
whitehair I expect this woman is giving your son lots of attention; he no longer has to compete with two tinies for attention from the woman in his life; it is not an uncommon situation for a man to feel that his nose has been pushed out of joint when babies arrive, and two arrived in quick succession.

This woman no doubt flatters him and gives him her undivided attention; I would want to call her all the names under the sun if it was me, but you will have to remain civilised for the sake of your relationship with your DS, whilst maintaining a good relationship with your DIL.

Some relationships can be rekindled radicalnan, I have witnessed it with dear friends.
The maxim was 'forgive not forget'.

Went through exactly the same with my eldest son, much older woman, marriage breakup etc, fortunately no children. I finally met "her" but found she didn't want to engage with us, which was a relief actually. Relationship eventually broke up and everyone has moved on, but am so relieved she is not a part of our family.

Under the circumstances only if son decides to bring her to be introduced. We can all manage to be polite and smile for an hour or so no matter what we think can't we?

I'd be very careful. The one thing that kept me even civil to my first MiL was that I knew she hated DiL number 2. (Just being honest- I know it's not very creditable!) I felt more & more kindly towards her continuing contact with GC, the more I came to know how much she & her partner disliked new DiL Mind you, she met & tolerated DiL2 & never said anything directly to me, but the message got through!

He is your son and you should meet the people in his life if he wants you to. If you refuse it will more than likely lead to a split with him. As thatbags says, we can't control our adult children however much we might disapprove. I hope you can still keep on friendly terms with your DiL.

I would meet in a pub or coffee bar; ie not in your home, or his. It might make you feel comfy to have an exit strategy prepared if you need it, such as: "Look, I did want to spend longer with your but (insert name of old friend) needs me to (pop round/do her shopping/help her with something) and if I don't go now I'lll be late"....

Am I the only person who is suspicious of this relationship with a woman 20 years older?

She is a well off business woman in her 50's. Is she looking for a "young bit stuff" to show off to her cougar friends? Is she just playing a game that she will soon tire of?

As for your son, Whitehair Is he (please forgive my directness) just after her money, power and status and thoroughly enjoying the attention from this older woman?

I am not sure if there is anything permanent whatsoever about this relationship.

Personally I would be very reluctant to give my seal of approval to what sounds like a fling (I maybe wrong of course)but I cannot see any harm in meeting up in a neutral setting (I would not invite her to my home at this stage) and seeing for yourself how they behave around each other. As for DDiL I would be open and honest with her and tell her of your intention to meet the "new woman" for the sake of keeping your relationship with your son and not because you approve.

I think this is really difficult and I do sympathise.
But one of my rules in life is to always accept my son's partners. It's selfish in a way, - I don't want to lose my sons! But I honestly think we have to stand back and let them make their own mistakes, and just accept who they choose. So yes, I think you maybe should meet her.
At the same time you can still be a good friend to your DIL and your lovely grandchildren.

Just a few years into our marriage (and this was 13 years ago) my husband was unhappy and left our marriage. He moved back home with his parents. His mum didn't agree with what he had done, and we kept in touch. She would even come and have lunch with me every week when she did her shopping. After some months we reconciled (the day of the decree nisi was the day he admitted to himself that actually he didn't want to be apart, although it was some months later before we finally got back properly on track. And I need to say that in our case the bad times came after the death of my beloved mother, and our differing ways of dealing with that death, was the reason we split, not because the grass was greener elsewhere, so I do see that there are differences). I found out - from him - early into that reconciling process that while apart, his girlfriend had been to their house, and his folks had also attended her birthday party. Initially I felt utterly betrayed, as she had always sided with me, and i thought she had just been being two-faced. However, when I calmed down and thought about it I realised that, in her position, i might well have done the same thing - we might never have got back together, the divorce might have gone through and he might even have gone on to marry her. She might have been a permanent feature in mum-in-law's life forever, and however MIL felt about his behaviour, or even the girlfriend, she loves her son, and couldn't risk losing him because she wouldn't accept the new person. I would say that in our case there was no other person actually involved when we broke up, she came later, so it isn't quite the same. However, in defence of your son's new partner, I don't feel it is fair to put all the blame on her. Yes she was single, with no children, and arguably less to lose. But it does feel like you might be conveniently shifting the blame all onto her to avoid being very angry at your son and having to confront, and thus risk losing, him, whereas from outside the situation it may look different: he is a grown man, and he has a mind of his own. He didn't get the new partner pregnant and feel he needed to support her out of guilt or responsibility, he just chose to leave his marriage and be with her. At that point, even if the new woman had felt conscience-bound to say that she couldn't break up his marriage to be with him, can you be absolutely certain that your son wouldn't have still left his wife anyway? I think any blame should be spread a bit more evenly. And I think it wouldn't hurt to meet her, either. At the very least you could then judge for yourself what you really think her character is, and whether you think you could grow to accept her in time. Perhaps you could speak to your DIL first, explaining that you still support her, still don't condone your son's behaviour, and dont plan on welcoming the new one with open arms, but that he is still your son, and ultimately you don't want to lose him?

I feel for you.It is so difficult to tell someone what they should or should not do.That your son has chosen a woman, in reality, old enough to be his mother says to me what is not unusal and he felt 'out of it' when he became a father and wanted his wife to be as she was before the babies came along.ie That he was the centre of her universe and now two tiny beings have taken her over.My support would be for my daughter in law.As long as your son is making sure his wife and the babes are not going without all you can do is be there for DIL, wait and see if son comes to his senses.Me?I for one would not wish to meet this other woman.However if the worse comes to the worse and he eventually marries again then maybe! you might be able to accept her.For now DIL and your grandchildren are a priority.

Just a few years into our marriage (and this was 13 years ago) my husband was unhappy and left our marriage. He moved back home with his parents. His mum didn't agree with what he had done, and we kept in touch. She would even come and have lunch with me every week when she did her shopping. After some months we reconciled (the day of the decree nisi was the day he admitted to himself that actually he didn't want to be apart, although it was some months later before we finally got back properly on track. And I need to say that in our case the bad times came after the death of my beloved mother, and our differing ways of dealing with that death, was the reason we split, not because the grass was greener elsewhere, so I do see that there are differences). I found out - from him - early into that reconciling process that while apart, his girlfriend had been to their house, and his folks had also attended her birthday party. Initially I felt utterly betrayed, as she had always sided with me, and i thought she had just been being two-faced. However, when I calmed down and thought about it I realised that, in her position, i might well have done the same thing - we might never have got back together, the divorce might have gone through and he might even have gone on to marry her. She might have been a permanent feature in mum-in-law's life forever, and however MIL felt about his behaviour, or even the girlfriend, she loves her son, and couldn't risk losing him because she wouldn't accept the new person. I would say that in our case there was no other person actually involved when we broke up, she came later, so it isn't quite the same. However, in defence of your son's new partner, I don't feel it is fair to put all the blame on her. Yes she was single, with no children, and arguably less to lose. But it does feel like you might be conveniently shifting the blame all onto her to avoid being very angry at your son and having to confront, and thus risk losing, him, whereas from outside the situation it may look different: he is a grown man, and he has a mind of his own. He didn't get the new partner pregnant and feel he needed to support her out of guilt or responsibility, he just chose to leave his marriage and be with her. At that point, even if the new woman had felt conscience-bound to say that she couldn't break up his marriage to be with him, can you be absolutely certain that your son wouldn't have still left his wife anyway? I think any blame should be spread a bit more evenly. And I think it wouldn't hurt to meet her, either. At the very least you could then judge for yourself what you really think her character is, and whether you think you could grow to accept her in time. Perhaps you could speak to your DIL first, explaining that you still support her, still don't condone your son's behaviour, and dont plan on welcoming the new one with open arms, but that he is still your son, and ultimately you don't want to lose him?

Do meet her. I would suggest neutral ground, maybe a cafe for lunch or something like that, but I can't stress enough that you must talk to your DIL about the meeting or she may feel hurt. Good luck

From first teenage romance to later 'serious' relationships there is always the tricky business of arranging a 'meet the parents' event. It is an important step - a declaration that this is not a casual dating thing, but rather that the boyfriend & girlfriend now see themselves as a 'couple'. Sometimes, seeing the new partner in the family setting raises doubts as to their suitability as a long term partner, sometimes they 'fit right in' like a missing piece of a jigsaw.

Although your son is fully grown up it is probable that he still needs to 'see' his new love through his mother's eyes, before he makes a final commitment to her.

I suppose it is inevitable that you meet her at some point, I would find it difficult too as it does seem like an endorsement of something that has caused pain to people you love. If it must happen make sure it is somewhere neutral like a pub lunch and not in anyone's home or something that other people could not afford.

She has your son, and has destroyed his family, (children from broken families do suffer forever, despite our social willingness to pretend that it is all ok) if she had run the kids over would you be happy to meet her?

I would hold off for at least two years, in which time she may have someone else's son. There is no 'love' that makes everything all right, if that causes pain to others to achieve. He has been a fool, why join him in that and bolster her position? She is certainly old enough to know much better.

My FIL worked abroad and came home every fortnight. DH knew dad had a girlfriend, but she promised that she was't interested in marrying FIL. Surprise, surprise, we came back from our honeymoon to be told that FIL was divorcing MIL to marry GF. He expected us to break the news to MIL. We refused, and, when FIL did tell her, she was devastated. It estranged DH's from his father. Funnily enough, we really like step-MIL (younger than me!), and would really love to see her again. My advice is yes, meet GF - it's the problem of the 3 people in the marriage, not yours, and she may be a really lovely person who adores your son. My first BF was in a relationship when we met and he did love us both equally, but of course, she came first. At the time it was hell, but I always suspected that his partner and I would have been best mates had he not come between us being friends.

Yes it's always so difficult to make a decision and 'gut instincts' are there for a reason but I often wonder how much of it is social convention.

So based on the above thoughts, if you meet her, maybe it would help you to understand more clearly why it happened and also it puts you in a better position to have a credible opinion. However, I would strongly advise keeping your daughter in law in the frame when considering this move.

I suppose it all really depends on whether there's a real chance of your son and his wife getting back together, in which case it could possibly be better not to meet - depends how far down the line they are with these thoughts and if they have been articulated.

Whatever the outcome, these things often take a while to resolve and I wish I could wave a magic wand for all of you.

I agree with ThatBags. And I'd like to play devil's advocate - the "other woman" is single so she's not the one who is breaking vows....

My uncle had a saying "never return to the scene of the crime" loosely meaning that if there's a reason it fell apart once there is reason it will again. Certainly this is what I have seen with a number of friends who have split then reconciled - in all but one case it didn't work and they split up again not long after. So I wouldn't pin hopes on a reconciliation, just keep supporting your DiL and your GC as you have been. It's important to keep your relationship going with your son too and your DiL wouldn't expect otherwise - he is your son after all - you have made it clear to all parties what you think of the behaviour involved. Now is the time for all of you to move forward. If this woman is to be a permanent or long-term fixture in his life then it's good to form some sort of relationship even if it's simply a civil one and nothing more. As I say you have made your feelings clear and that's fair enough but you need to make sure you don't end up losing your son which would cause even more heartache. If you can spend some time with your son and have an honest conversation about how he is doing - in terms of coping with no longer living with his children, in terms of how he and ex are getting on for the sake of the children, in terms of how his new relationship is going then this may be helpful because you will know better how to proceed. Don't make it into a huge thing, maybe go for a meal and bring it up as part of the conversation. As I say if she is sticking around then you can work out a civil relationship when the time comes

Which is all my mum meant. I think it's a very good way of acknowledging the difference between feelings and how one should behave regardless of feelings if there is a conflict between the two.

Of course. But there's no harm in aiming high.

I do know that bags its just that knowing how one should behave and actually doing it can be exceptionally difficult. Humans struggle with this!