Meeting DS new girlfriend- or not?

Perfection doesn't come into it, j10. Partly because nobody is.

Whitehair as you are on good terms with your DIL and she knows about this woman, you could mention to her that you may meet her, but will reconsider it if she feels distressed about it at the moment.

If she is going to be a long-term partner then you will be meeting her some time in the future anyway.

I would meet her on neutral ground, a lunch or pub meal out and would not invite her to your home as yet.
You don't say how old your son is; if he is indeed wavering then he may well look at you and his new girlfriend together if she is nearer your age than his and have a think.
However, some relationships with big age gaps are extremely successful so this one could become permanent.

Befire anyone accuses me if being 'ageist', we have experience if this - our Godson was in a relationship with a woman many years older than him, but it faltered and ended after about 5 years when she was 65 and he was in his early 40s.

It is very early days yet too, as he only split from his wife a few months ago.

Whitehair I was the deserted wife. My ex told his parents (previously divorced and with new husband/wife) who both phoned and visited me to express their sadness and support. Our DS was only young and I tried to keep his relationship with his grandparents as normal as possible. I fully expected them to meet the bitch new woman in my ex's life - he was their son after all - I just didn't want to hear about it. FIL in particular was very upset as I think he finally realised the impact on his family when he'd left his first wife, my MIL.

I too had the comments from ex about coming back to me. The first few times I believed it but then I realised he was just keeping his options open.

Anyway, getting back to the OP. As long as your DIL and DGC know they have your love and friendship, don't ostracise your son for the sake of his new woman. Perhaps suggest you meet him and her for lunch - you'll be on neutral territory and it will easier to be polite to her in public than in the sanctuary of your home. I appreciate it will be difficult for you but I feel you need to do it. (((hugs))) and for you ... and leave the hatchet at home

If only we were all perfect...

"You probably can't help how you feel but you can help how you behave"; I really like that thatbags.

spot on Trisher. meet her - be polite - and tell DIL in advance. You need to meet the new partner if only to have formed an opinion should the new relationship implode and you are need for support. No need to pretend to be best buddies. We were once in a difficult position when a friend who had left his wife (and we had been very fond of both of them), rocked up on our doorstep with his new girlfriend "just passing". Actually she was delightful. All dust has now settled - as it usually does in time.

Re jane10's last comment about being human, my mum always said when there was a mixture of feelings and behaviour involved: No, you probably can't help how you feel but you can help how you behave. Thus the civility to everyone thing when one's feelings are conflicted.

Sorry about the granchildren thing. I think I was muddling this thread with another.

Many years ago I was in a similar situation as your DIL. My MIL met my replacement and entertained her to tea, but I only heard about it afterwards from my kids. It was quite soon after the break up and at the time I was devastated, I now understand better where she was coming from although I still think it was handled badly. If you are going to meet the girlfriend please keep your DIL informed and talk to her about it. Let her know that what you want from all of this is that your GCs should grow up with a caring supportive family around them and that you have no intention of making the girlfriend part of that family but you feel you should meet her so the GCs don't pick up on animosity and tension.
Assure her of your support and let her know how the meeting goes. Besides the awful feeling of being left there is the feeling that you are somehow cut out of the family you once thought you were part of.
I wouldn't hope for a reconciliation your DS may be less enthusiastic about his decision but he may also be trying to keep some sort of hold on your DIL.
All the best. Things do improve and children grow up.

Also the poor OP is human. She may well know all the theoretical stuff about it being their lives and her opinions being of no relevance to her children but parents can't switch off caring and worrying. Good luck to the poor OP.

Bags If dil1 falls out with her mil because mil wants to stay in touch with her own son, then dil1 is being unreasonable.
Nowhere in the OP's posts has this been suggested. That is your interpretation of the situation.
All the OP asked was whether she should initiate contact with the new woman.

Exactly. So my plain answer to the OP's question at the end of her post: "What do I do?" is back off. Keep your divided loyalty to yourself. Be civil to everybody involved.

From your clarifications, I would say not to initiate contact with new woman yourself, but to respond with a yes if he suggests it again. In the interests of openness I would also tell the DIL that this is what you are doing, but that you would like to keep good relations with her and the children, and that you care about them.

Bags is right that they are grown adults and what they do with their lives is down to them - I do also know that this does not stop us worrying about them and about the GC!

The bottom line is that we and our views are an irrelevance, unless our adult children choose otherwise by asking our views, or, as in this case, asking us to meet their partner. From the fact that he has in the past asked that you meet her, then we can assume that he wishes to involve you in his new life - that is his choice and I think you should respond positively whilst trying very hard to maintain good relationships with DIL and GC. A bit of a balancing act I know! - good luck.

I had an aunt with three sons who was on friendly terms with five daughters-in-law (two of them exes) It is possible, but you have to tread very lightly.

And if dil1 prevents exmil from seeing her grandchildren because exmil wants to stay in touch with her son, then she's being more than unreasonable, she's being mean.
The relationship between them can't be that great if dil1 has ever even considered that option.

To reiterate: What kitty said is good advice. If dil1 falls out with her mil because mil wants to stay in touch with her own son, then dil1 is being unreasonable.

Son is supporting and co-parenting so his mum has no right to be furious with him. That, as I implied earlier, is her disapproving of life choices made by an independent adult. I still think she just has to lump it.

I'm still on friendly terms with my exparentsinlaw twenty+ years on. I have no idea and never have had any idea what they thought about my splitting up with their son except that they were sad about it on both our behalfs. I'm not talking completely out of the top of my head. I do have some life experience.

Yes the DiL might well feel 'betrayed' by you if you start to form any sort of relationship with this new woman. I completely understand your feelings about this situation. I'd not know what to do beyond being furious with your son. Not helpful I know. Well done supporting your DiL.

That should be as such, not is such!

But Bags it's not a question of the OP's son's independence, is it? He's been married and has two children.
It's a question of whether being friendly with this woman would jeopardise her relationship with her DiL and her GCs and is such a valid concern IMHO.

Good advice, kitty.

I do feel for you - pesky phone!

I would tell your dil, in passing, what he has said. Tell her that you continue to love her and the children but that he is you son and you want to maintain a relationship with him although you know he has behaved badly. The worst thing you can do is keep secrets from her. Ado feel for you!

It's an age old thing this parental disapproval of what their offspring do. When will we learn to let them be independent grown ups over whom we neither have nor should have any direct control? What we think is irrelevant unless they ask for our opinions.

One doesn't have to tread on eggshells if one accepts offspring independence and one's own irrelevance in their decision-making and behaviour. Just treat them as you would any other independent adult. The only difference is that we usually love the ones who are related to us. Love doesn't give us any rights.

Acceptance is the key and keep any disapproval (unless they've broken the law) to oneself.

Or, in common Bags-speak: shrug; it's his life.

I personally wouldn't initiate a meeting through some vague ' you don't ask about her' sentences however if your son was to invite you to meet then you d probable be best to go Personally I d just continue supporting both your daughter in law and your son however you feel comfortable and see what happens, it may fizzle out and if not and it becomes serious you can then see how to move on with them all when the time comes. Just take it slowly and see how it goes don't worry about it too much we all tend to overthink, well I know I do, I rehearse stuff in my head over and over and it's a waste of time and energy as it rarely turns out how you expected it to.
Good luck

I think if your son suggests meeting his GF again you should probably agree. You don't know what the future holds for them but this may be his new life time partner. We often don't approve of our children's choices but it is their decision and not ours. You obviously want to keep in touch with your son and the longer you don't meet her the more potential damage you will do your relationship. I would feel just the same as you I'm sure. Wishing you well.