Meeting DS new girlfriend- or not?

willa sorry, I must have misread your post

I've just read 4 pages of posts and many are very judgemental of someone they have never met and about a situation of which they only know the scantiest details.
My MiL is the kindest and most generius natured person I know. Her daughter has been married 4 times, her son ( my husband has been married twice). There are now many children and step childrenin the family. She welcomes and treats them all equally and we all feel loved by her. She calls us 'her tribe'! I have never felt judged by her nor have I ever heard her say anything unkind about others in the family. And everyone adores her. Her own husband died tragically when she was 39 and with 2 young children and she never remarried.
Amazingly she remembers everyone's birthday, even my eldest son (now 40) who she has never met.
We all feel protective of our 'children' but they must make their own choices. Being unkind or judgemental isn't helpful.

White hair 123. This happened in our family about 7 yrs ago. Ds very unhappy. Dil also. Traumatic for everyone concerned. Met new girlfriend and she is lovely, son very happy. Son visits daughter and ex wife every few days and is very supportive. It appears to have worked out ok. I love my dil, new girlfriend, and all concerned in this situation, and hopefully you will too.

Jalima, you misunderstood. I said that you CAN'T just 'turn off' affection for DIL on demand, meaning now that he and DIL are no longer together.
Of course a son will always have his mum's unconditional love. When there is also love or affection for DIL, that shouldn't be diminished as a result, either.

I am unclear as to whether or not a divorce has happened. If it hasn't then neither party is free (legally) to be seeing other people and reconciliation is still on the table. The issue here is how best to avoid introductions until the dust settles, at least.

Agh pressed the button too soon! As I was saying I was a bit taken aback but understood her feelings. Within a short time, we were actually really good friends and I was the one sleeping by her side when she died of cancer. She remained in contact with the ex but said she could see how happy I made her son, how much I loved the children and that gave her great comfort.

You don't have to be best friends but you can be civil until you decide whether she is going to be a good step-mother and partner. You can explain to your DIL that nobody can take her place in your heart but you have to accept the new situation with your son. After all, if one of her children were in this situation, you would hope she would want to put her child first.

Perhaps this hasn't been your son's finest hour but at the end of the day, he is your son and his happiness is important too. Nobody really knows what his marriage was like, we don't know if this woman is going to be the love of his life and I would guard against making any judgements about his new girlfriend based on the few things you know about her. I could have been considered the scarlet woman when I met my husband but one thing was certain, not only were we both knocked sideways by the intensity of our feelings but things had been wrong in his marriage for a long time. His mother was extremely unhappy about my presence but she took me to one side and said she would accept me for the sake of her son and the children. She also pointed out that she would remain friends with his ex-wife for the sake of the children. I was a bit taken aback

Lots of interesting input and perspectives thank you all for taking the time to respond. I will continue to support my lovely DIL and their lovely children. We talk often and about everything so I wouldn't dream of upsetting her. She knows though that I love my son and do not want to lose him.

I will tactfully try to handle the prospect of any meeting, will have to see how it pans out. I have lost a lot of sleep over this, yes my son is entitled to live his own life and makes his decisions and yes it is me, but also a lot of other people who find his actions a problem. Doing your own thing is ok if it doesn't impact on those around you,

Still, it is what it is and we are all dealing with it in the best and most caring way we can.

Whatever you decide to do re new girlfriend, stay friends with and continue to be there for your DIL and grandchildren. My partner did this in a similar situation years ago and as a result he still has good relationships with 1)DIL (who has since remarried) and 2)his now grown up grandchildren. He can as a result now enjoy being a great-grandfather, too.A great blessing in older age.

You may have to be polite to the new girlfriend if the relationship continues but your private feelings are your own, and your son should not expect to divide your loyalties.

Oooh... Synonymous and Grannygrunt123. Well said!

bugger... typed out my post and lost it!

But... in the meantime, gillybob has made another post...as I was expanding on her first, and said twice what I am thinking. Jalima as well.

I think this is a game for her. He makes her feel younger, more desirable, that she can win a married young father away from young wife and children. Well bully for her. I don't care how infatuated they are, she had a choice to be an ethical person...and unless he told her the marriage was on the rocks... she pounced.

I'd not want to meet her at this point, except with your friends along as well, at a cafe for a quick coffee. I'd give it a full year for any other type of socialising. With her wealth and success, she can easily meet eligible men and may not stick with this conquest in the long run.

willa of course whitehair will not, we all hope, be turning off her affection for her DDIL and I hope she never has cause to and continues to maintain a loving relationship with her and the DGC come what may.

However, neither can someone turn off the love they feel for their DS even if they feel they don't like them sometimes.

Perhaps by taking it very slowly whitehair and prevaricating a bit, you may never have to meet her at all.

Glad you lean towards my way of thinking gettingonabit. The other woman is more than likely a predator who will move on just as soon as some other gullible young man comes along, married or not.

I think you could well be right gillybob and I too feel very suspicious. I would not be meeting her and lending her my support or giving her any credibility. A menopausal woman in a high powered job displaying her trophy tomboy makes me feel somewhat nauseous and I wouldn't want to be any part of that.
My DIL would be the one who would get my support and the DGC who are the ones who will be affected by this for the rest of their lives.
The only thing people do not get classes on is how to be a parent and what will be the costs involved in having children. The costs include sharing your wife and also supporting her after childbirth as well as assisting in child rearing. The idea of being a parent is very different to the reality!
Some men find great difficulty in growing up.

It's the age difference (and the fact that the OP describes the new woman as a rich business woman)that makes me very suspicious though janeainsworth not the split up itself. I can't help but think that she might be treating him like a temporary plaything and whitehair might jeopardize her good relationship with DDiL for the sake of a fling.

I find myself in a very similar position. Our son had been having an affair for about a year before he left his wife. During that time he had told her and us that the affair was over many times. We had continued to support them in rebuilding their relationship throughout this time as we felt his wife was the only one who really needed to forgive his infidelity. Eventually it transpired that he was lying to us all. Our DIL has acted with dignity always and we continue to see her and our grandchildren and support them in every way we can. She has no family of her own. We still see our son but our relationship has been damaged. All trust has gone. We do not feel we want to meet his new woman. I do not think I could even be polite to her. I can't stop loving my son but I don't even need to like her.

This new besom who has knowingly drawn a young family man away from a pregnant wife is not my idea of someone I'd want to meet. This wealthy cougar may well move on and discard him. I'm saying this after reading my way through all the various posts. My heart goes out to the OP and her DiL. The OP's son? Not so much! Borrows Phoenix's tin hat and runs for cover.

I think I agree, grannygrunt. I'm not sure how I'd feel towards a son (or daughter for that matter) who walked out on a relationship leaving very small children behind. I know I'd be making my feelings known, and in no uncertain terms either.

I doubt I'd have any interest in meeting the girlfriend.

If this were me, I'd expect my son to face up to the ramifications of his actions. If he is offended by people's reactions, then so be it. He's an adult, and he has caused hurt to innocent people.

He's made his bed...

I

I think your view of young people is rather jaundiced, Grannygrunt.
I do know one or two young couples who have split up, but the majority seem committed to each other and to making their marriage work.

Oh dear, I must be a horrible person. I personally would not meet this new woman despite what it may do to my relationship with my son. You say he wasn't happy, does that justify him walking away from his wife and children. Working at marriage seems to be non existent nowadays. People walk at the first hiccup. Marriage vows are ignored and I find it so sad. Loyalty is rare and commitment non existent. Just because they are our children, doesn't mean we should accept behaviour we don't agree with. Call me old fashioned but I don't see adult children as being free to do just as they please without regard for the feelings of others just because they can. I hate how there is no respect or basic caring towards others nowadays. So very sad and detrimental to the children involved.

B*#*#y men!!

Whitehair, I'm so sorry you are going through such a trying situation.

You mentioned that the break up was in February. I'm assuming they're not divorced yet? The ages of your grandchildren are also a clue that your DIL may have been pregnant when all this began and that there was another little one right before that. That is a lot of responsibility for a young couple in this day and age. Married people faced with drastic life changes, often find support in the wrong places.

If I guessed correctly, there may still be hope for reconciliation. Major life changes can be overwhelming and very disruptive in a marriage. Lack of love is often not the problem. You're acceptance of someone new in your son's life (at this time) would send the wrong message and disrupt any chance for reconciliation.

So having said that, no meeting your son's mistress....YET. You can tell your son, that you still have an attachment to your DIL and that you can't turn off your affections on demand. You can let him know that you'll always love him and you want to be supportive but replacing your DIL doesn't come easy for you and for that reason you can't readily accept 'would be' successors, especially if he's not divorced. Reassure him that you just need more time and that you will let him know when you're ready.

It's not clear from the OP if DiL has met the new girlfriend yet. Surely through the children they'll have to meet at some point, and with you too Whitehair through family occasions? Better to meet initially now on your own terms on neutral ground, taking things slowly, rather than have a meeting foisted upon you when you're not prepared.

Your son, like anyone newly in love, thinks the object of his desire is wonderful, can't see why everyone else doesn't think the same and just wants people to be happy for them. 3 months is a short time but I think you can handle meeting her. As others have said, be open with DiL, she must know you'll have to break the ice sometime.

I would hold off until you know their relationship is solid and will last. How long have they been together?
I hope DIL only gets back if things are well and truly ended with new gf.

Call me cynical if you like but I wonder if relationship will survive after new GF has had a few weekends sharing your son with his children!
Being a stepmother isn't everyone's cup of tea! Until then, meet if you have to, on neutral ground and don't keep it from DIL. You may eventually have to welcome a new DIL but don't assume every GF is going to be a potential permanent partner. Then of course you will have to do your best toi be friends with her.If it happens that DIL moves on, hopefully you will still be able to remain friends with her.

I speak from my experience, I left my Husband for a married man with 4 children (I didn't have children), he left his wife & we set up home together. My Mum & I managed to regain our relationship but my Dad was adamant that he would not meet my partner until one day we went to see my Mum & she invited us both in for a cup of coffee, my Dad arrived home & accepted the situation, Dad & my partner ended up watching cricket on tv (my Dad's passion) I am so gad a rift was avoided as a few months later my DD died (far too young)

My advice would be if your DS suggests a meeting that you should go, preferably meeting should me on neutral territory I'm sure your DiL will understand, after all she may meet someone new.