Ending a friendship

Friendship is like a coal fire, and the friends are the individual coals.
If you take a coal out of the fire, it will go on burning for a bit, then glowing but then it will cool and go out.
I think friendship is like that, some friendships will rekindle either because they have not been left out in the cold for too long or because the "bellows" of mutual affection can breathe new life into the relationship.
Sadly others are like that cold, grey piece of coal.
If you haven't been in contact with a "friend" for years and years and years - there is probably a very good reason.
My advice for what it is worth, is be too busy, have prior engagements, don't return calls and she should get the hint.

I lost touch with almost all my friends, partly I'd made poor life style choices,later I felt I had nothing to offer. Plus of course we almost all had partners and children. It's not an actual choice to give up friends for children or grandchildren IMHO, it's just that sometimes little time or energy is left
Shocked to hear of the sad death of a school friend at 50 I tried to find the closest old friends, looked in old address books and online.
With some it was as if we'd never been apart, other friendships took more time and, sometimes, effort to pick up again. Now I'm firmly into the 'XX or over' category on forms I find we have even more in common, draw closer together and even any decades old resentments are melted away.
I'd only ever 'consciously uncouple' a friendship after being deliberatively lied to by someone I trusted. Being a bit bored, or, maybe, boring, occasionally doesn't seem to me enough to lose a friend.

Friendship is a two way thing, when I was a young widow with two little one's all my friends were married, I was the only one parent family, I had the choice to cut off from them or accept what I couldn't change, I felt like a spare part at times but am glad I chose to accept not cut off

Jayanna9040 it seems she asked you to meet up regularly. Is there any activity where you would appreciate having company? Like going to a film, concert, show etc.?

Relationships are very precious and perhaps you should put it on a footing that suits you.

So she dumped you when her own life got too busy to fit you in, & now she's got time on her hands she wants to pick up where she left off? Well if you still enjoyed her company, fine, but you don't, so stay in touch on your terms only.

Think I would persevere for a while. The first meeting after such a long while and so many events was bound to be awkward. Why not give it another go in a couple of months and see how it is. If it's still uncomfortable then perhaps time to move on. Different lives take us to different places but sometimes there can still be a connection that works. Either way don't worry, it's fine to make your choice.

It seems a shame to lose touch after 50 years, you have those in common. Just because she wants to meet more regularly doesn't mean you have to, keep it to once a year, or what suits, but stay in touch. When you are both older, the grandchildren have turned into difficult teenagers, various illnesses strike you and your families, you may well be glad to exchange news again. School friends often have nothing identifiable in common except shared experiences, but often those mean a lot in the end?

I had a friend with whom I visited and talked frequently. Then it suddenly dawned on me that it was going nowhere, too negative and it was pulling me down in the process. So I ended it with no preamble and no going back. But that's me, once I've made a decision, it's done. Trying to be kind and considerate and gentle and understanding seldom works IMHO. It's said that a true friend is someone you'd trust with your wallet and that's not a bad criteria to work by.

Once you have talked about the past, then you have to move on to other subjects. Friendships are precious, particularly those that go back many years. Find a common ground that you can talk about. Maybe recommend a good book that you have read, and discuss it when you meet. I'm sure there will be some common ground that you can talk about, be it holidays, politics, t.v. programmes. Don't lose a long standing friendship if you can find a way of substaining it.

Just try to relax about it. It doesn't have to be an intense relationship. You have lots of shared memories if not common interests at present. Keep contact from time to time and find something to have a laugh about. Who knows what paths your lives will take in the future.

Friendships are as different as the people themselves. I have frinds all over the country and last year met up with one I hadn't seen for 40yrs but we talked and talked for 4hrs and still had more to say! The other day I went for coffee with a fairly local friend and sat and listened as she talked and talked about herself and her friends who I don't know and really wanted to leave after an hour. She wants us to meet for lunch soon - it is sad to lose a friend so I will go - but will be too busy for a while!

I feel for you Jay, it's very difficult to end a friendship, but sometimes it is the best thing to do. You are obviously not happy with this relationship, so that means it's probably best to end it. I have been very lucky with most of my friendships, especially the one who I made friends with at school, and although we live at opposite ends of the country, our friendship remains close, although sometimes we don't see or speak to each other for months. But I have ended 3 friendships myself, so I do understand why you feel upset by the situation. Sometimes a friendship becomes toxic and for your own peace of mind, it is better to end it.I ended one of the friendships because the friend was extremely cruel and rude about my husband, I ended another because the friend was extremely boastful about her good fortune in life and her children and quite rude about about my life and children, and I ended the third because that friend was rude and often insulting towards me whilst smiling and to all intents and purposes engaging in a normal conversation, and this was after my husband and I supported her through a very messy and difficult divorce. The truth is that friendships do run their course and end up causing more grief than is needed, then the friendship is no longer worth maintaining. Friendships work two ways, each friend needs to feel supported, understood, cared about, and when this is no longer the case, the friendship has run it's course. I simply stopped making any further arrangements with the other party, whilst continuing to send a Christmas card with a bit of news in it. Eventually, that ceased too. Ending those relationships (which ranged over a period of 40 years) was the best thing for me, and since you've reached the stage with your friend where you want to end it, I would simply not agree to any further meetings, just say you're too busy, send her a Christmas card and a birthday card, and gradually the friendship will fade. I wish you good luck with it.

I wouldn't feel too guilty about letting it go, after all, she seemed quite happy to drop you when she was busy and now she's just using you to fill a gap in her life. That's not what real friends do. Anyway, we all change and what worked in the past might not work now. Just text her back and explain nicely that you're really busy but will get back to her when you've got some free time. If you put her off two or three times she should get the hint. Telling her the truth would be hurtful so little white lies might be ok. Luckily it looks like you don't live in the same area, so not likely to bump into each other. Good luck.

She's realised that you have drifted and wants to rectify this. Or she's a 'user' and dropped you when she didn't need you and now want you to fill the void left now that she sees her grandchildren less. Either way, if you don't feel that more contact will bring you closer or you simply don't want to be closer and are willing to give up on 50+ years on friendship, then tell her you're sorry but you don't have the time at the moment, or tell her how you feel.

This happened to me and my best friend , 10 years ago . Your post today has made my face red again . We'd met for a meal and had nothing to say to each other , the evening was just awful , so mutual contact drifted . I sent her a 60th birthday card last December and it's my 60th this month , I wonder if she'll remember mine . It's sad .

I had a friend who I had helped a lot and her new man just did not like me at all, she sent me a letter when she moved away to be with him and said 'that you for being the best friend I ever had'.

In a way at least it was a sign off, but it did make me feel used all the years i had been her sole source of support, please be careful what you say and do. I don't miss Linda and she is very welcome to her new man and I wish them well, but it is disconcerting just to be dispensed with, especially as I had been 'the best friend she ever had'. I had to, seen her through a messy divorce and child custody battles etc.

It is a bit unrealistic to expect any friendship to last over decades without change..........do be gentle.

jayanna9040 I'm completely with you. I have known one of my friends since we were teenagers. But over the past 5yrs she has become very 'spiritua' I believe in a lot of alternative stuff but now when we meet up that's all she talks about and it gets very heavy. It doesn't matter how much I try and change the conversation it always comes back to her spiritual views. We used to laugh so much but I think if I asked her what she thought of the price of eggs in Tescos it would come back to spirituality.
Now I don't instigate meeting up, I just send text now and again. People change.

It's just that she couldn't help talking about her lovely life - which it is, I don't deny it. And for years our lives ran in tandem so I guess I was equally smug and unthinking! I didn't chose to lose husband, house, job and the prospect of grandchildren. All the things that she thinks make life worth living. Actually I agree with her. But I have worked hard at making a good alternative life and after a couple of hours with her I felt it was all pointless. I'm sure she didn't mean that to happen but I just can't face it again.

Give it a few more go s, it may have just been that meet up that was difficult it could get better as you see each other more I m not sure you can judge by just one meet up. She obviously enjoyed seeing you and you do have 50 years to talk about your lives have taken different routes but surely that gives you even more to talk about
I ve only lost one friend in my life and she did something that I felt was unforgivable at the time I wrote to her telling her how she had hurt me and she wrote back that she hadn't intended to but maybe our friendship meant more to me than her That totally hurt me and I severed all connection but I have missed her over the years and often think I was too hasty or said too much I ve never seen her since and I heard she moved away got remarried so I can never find her and that's life but what I m saying is maybe give it a few more tries before you completely lose each other after all she doesn't seem to have done anything wrong except not talked about the right things

Sometimes things come to a natural end. Don't feel guilty about how you feel but end it gently so your former friend is not hurt. No point in flogging a dead horse.

Yes it would be a shame for a long standing friendship to end in this way. Maybe try meeting up again but make it time limited , lunch for example. You may feel differently next time but if not be honest with her and keep in touch by email etc.

That's sad.
We've lived all over the world, but despite our absence original friends have welcomed us back and we can always find something funny or interesting to talk about. What about all your experiences at school together and beyond, it's a shame those years don't really count any more? Ignoring her is rude and hurtful. Maybe you could find something you want to do in the coming weeks and ask if she wants to come along too. That way you can steer the conversation around your own interests. Moreover, you never know when you might need a good friend to talk to yourself.

Not harsh at all, just sensible. There's no point in persisting in a friendship that has run its course because you have taken different directions in life and don't have anything in common any more. But it was a longstanding friendship, and deserves better than just to be ignored, and maybe there's a happier medium between lots of contact and none at all. It may settle at a lower level of contact, occasional texts, cards at Christmas and birthdays, very occasional meetings built around an activity such as an exhibition or event, which might help you both discover a common interest and give you something else to talk about apart from each other. I know that as we get older, it can be harder to make new friends, and it may be worth putting a bit of effort into seeing if there are other things you have (or can develop) in common. If that doesn't work, then in the same way that your friend was too busy with family to keep in close contact for a while, perhaps you could be more explicit that because your life has changed so much in recent years, you need to put energy into building friendships and support networks closer to home?

Maybe you will have more in common the more you meet up, perhaps it is worth trying it a few times as you were once such good friends? Often friends do drift apart as lives go down different paths, but it can still be nice to have a coffee together even if it is not a regular thing, and she obviously enjoyed seeing you otherwise she wouldn't have suggested meeting up again, though it depends on how often she is thinking of of course!

So you want to end the friendship because her life has taken a different path to yours and you now don't have much in common?

That's a bit harsh.

Of course you can't ignore her. She deserves better than that.