Ending a friendship

It is odd that this should come up now. DH and I were friends with someone, but after going on holiday with her and her partner, had an appalling time. We ha absolutely nothing in common.
This lady used to drop in unannounced at all times to just chat..but there were often times when we pretended to be out when we spotted their car - wicked I know but truly it was exhausting trying to entertain them and find common ground for a conversation. This friend also had a habit of criticising me in an offhand way, which both DH and I found irritating but difficult to address.
Then my DH was diagnosed with cancer and during the last two months said specifically he did not want to see anyone. But this friend kept ringing claiming she had a right to visit based on our long friendship. I managed to stick to my guns and followed my husband's wishes and he died 3.5 years ago.
After the funeral, said friend kept on coming over, and whilst I was in the depths of despair in the early days, did nothing to help me, but made me feel suffocated. I tried to explain it would be wiser to telephone me first, but this was ignored, as she almost thought it her right to come over.
So I stopped contacting her.....ignored phone calls, even when she rang my children to find out why I had not contacted her, I did not phone her.
It felt at the time unkind and in some respects still does, but the relief at not seeing her and all that entailed, really did me good. My bereavement counsellor and I talked this over, and she agreed that this was a time when it is not wrong to "cull" people, especially at such a vulnerable time.
I now think about friend occasionally with a twinge of guilt, but I am still convinced I did the right thing, and have little or no regrets, as my life goes on without DH.

It sounds like you've been hurt by her not being there for you when you were having a tough time. At the same time she had a full on set of responsibilities being a Granny and her new life makes her happy. You can focus on what makes you happy and may be rather than worrying about ending things, you need time before making any irrevocable decisions. If you put any future arrangements into the longer term she will realise that whilst you still value her and the memories you share you too have a new and full life full of exciting possibilities for which you'd like to remain free and open. You could also suggest doing something you'd both enjoy so you both get to do something you like with a familiar companion. That might shift things into the now and the creation of new bonds. So I'd say let the evolution of your relationship take its course who knows what's round the corner. Good luck! ?

Dear Jayanna, You really should think hard before ending such a long friendship. It seems to me that you are hurt by this friend because you are grieving for your own losses and she does not understand. To lose your husband, job and home in rapid succession are body blows that are likely the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, but you are building up a new life, congratulations. Of course it cannot compare to what you had before, or what your friend has now but it is good and brave that you are making a new start. You feel your friend has everything and so does she and reveling in it. That is great for her but must be so painful for you. Just remember though everything that any of us have we can lose in the blink of an eye. If your friend loses you she would be hurt but after cool thinking wouldn't you too? If you and this lady have been friends for 50 years there has to be something of value there, I hope for your sake and hers you feel able to keep it.

If a relationship makes you feel negative, then it'll drain your energy. Therefore it's best to let it drop - but gradually.

We were friends with a couple we met at work, we all got on famously until we went out to meet them at a restaurant. They did nothing but argue the whole night and we were very uncomfortable. It spoilt our night out I can tell you. We haven't seen a lot of them since, they are still together but we hear they are still arguing all the time. We have invited them to our house but they didn't come, so it looks like a friendship that has petered out. There is nothing we can do to help so we have backed off and left them to it. If they want to keep the friendship alive they will contact us. Shame but then some things don't last do they. That is life for you.

Sometimes it's worth just stating the truth. Whether it's the OPs problem or the poster whose friend became spiritual. I once said to someone who, in every conversation, extolled the wonders of Christianity and how God is the only way for this and that, that it was wasted on me because I'm an athiest. I said it with a smile and added, I don't know what to do with this conversation! We both laughed and had a new understanding. The truth is always worth trying first. I'd suggest giving your friend another chance. It was, after all, just one meeting. She might have reflected on it herself and intend the next one to be different. If it isn't, just say something like 'things have felt very tough for me lately' and stop there. That is here que to ask why.

Over the years I have lost a lot if friends through relationship breakups which made me a one parent family, some married friends just dropped me, but also I moved around and it was in the days before internet and social media. I was still in touch with one friend from school days and she was still in touch with some of the others. That was how I got back in touch with another school friend, 15 years ago. She and I have been best friends ever since because we had so much in common. I have had to let go of others over the years so I know it can be difficult. I would say that only you can decide whether you want to pursue this friendship. It may have run it's course xx

I wish I still had friends I had fifty years ago. You should cherish her.Ok you may have different opinions etc, but hey nobody is the same.

Diamondwhite I had a friend like that too, she was not always well and her husband was older than we were. We were happy to go round when asked to help out, though both DH and I had busy full-time jobs and we have four children. She got very snappy once when we I said that we could not go round quickly to do something - when we suggested that one of her three children or their spouses could help she said that they were all too busy!!
We gradually withdrew from the friendship which we realised was completely one-sided - we were really regarded as the odd job men.

I feel for you Jayanna and must say that it was very tactless of your friend to rub her fortunate life in your face. She could (and should) have been kinder and more thoughtful of you and your feelings.
I've recently started to avoid seeing one of my school friends (now aged 64) because she is utterly self-absorbed, tactless and we have nothing in common. I feel no loss....

The best of luck to you for your new life.

I feel for you, truly I do. I am facing a similar situation, and have no idea how to deal with it. I don't think it's at all fair to describe you as 'harsh' when you are simply being honest; it's not as if you're accusing your old friend of anything.

We have to face the cruel fact that the closest of friends can grow apart. We change over the years, and although this need not necessarily mean that one grows away from one's dear old friends, this can and does happen.

The only certain thing in life is change, and we're not entirely in control of the changes which happen to us.

I have a friend who I have known since Comprehensive school - over 40 years - we used to go out together for the day with her kids and my younger sister and her friend, over to her house for food etc for years. She divorced and I lost touch with her for several years because she kept moving, however been back in touch for about 5 years now - it was as if we had never lost touch. We go out shopping, theatre, cinema, meals etc. Our lives have changed a lot but we still enjoy our time and have a great laugh together.

Misfortunes!

Everyone, thank you so much. There's been lots of different opinions and it's really helped me to clarify how I feel. When my life crumbled there were amazing and generous friends who opened up their own lives and included me in to meals, holidays, sleepovers, whatever I needed including grandchildren to play with and husbands - in the purely putting up shelves sense!! I can see now that this particular friend did the opposite- just shut down and excluded me. My phone sfortune made her uncomfortable I guess. After all nobody's really too busy to return a text are they?
The fact that I'll never have grandchild is an abiding sorrow but it doesn't stop me enjoying other people's! Perhaps if I had met hers I could have been able to join in more but I never have. It was a bit like someone sitting in front of a starving person going "yum, yum, this cake is lovely, what a pity you can't have any" .
For some reason the meeting with her put me right back to those days when life really didn't seem worth living. I can't risk it again. So thank you to all those who suggested just the occasional text, card contact. That's what I'll do. It would be an 80mile drive to see her so unless she makes the effort to come here I think it can just quietly wither away.

I was going to suggest the same as NotSphagetti, meet somewhere where you aren't sitting down opposite each other for a protracted length of time, trying to find focus points of interest, instead go to a show or theatre of art gallery and then have a quick post outing meal or coffee depending on time limits and discuss whatever you had been to see. Would it be possible also , to meet with some other mutual friends in a small group rather than one to one, Ive found this helps conversation flow and you can chat to others as well.

I hope by now you have managed to find a compromise of sorts. She's probably totally unaware you feel like this.

I haven't read all the suggested in detail so sorry if this has been suggested -
Why not meet at an event of some sort - a theatre trip, library reading session or art gallery trip perhaps? This would mean you would at least have something new to talk about.
You would soon see if the fun side of your old relationship is there underneath it all.
Good luck.

One of my best friends and I are totally opposites yet we still remain friends.Just accept each others interests/ conversations, just meet now and again.

I once had a good friend and would always go to her house as she could not drive and we lived some distance apart. We also went out on nights out together occasionally but I started to notice little things. For instance, she would criticise the rate at which I drank. I always stood my round but as I am not a big drinker I just told her that if she wanted to drink more than me to feel free to buy herself extra drinks in between rounds. I didn't see that as an issue. She would make comments about things I said or did and had an opinion on everything. I did things to help her around the house as she had a bad back and she would make me a nice meal for helping. One day she asked me to carry an extremely large, heavy desk down the stairs for her on my own. I told her that that was beyond my physical capabilities and suggested that she asked her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend to do it for her but she said they could not do it. Then I suggested that she ask the (married) man that she was having an affair with if he would do it and she said that he only came to the house for one thing and it was not to move furniture! Although I was annoyed with her I let it pass. However, some time later we had made plans to have a night out, which I was looking forward to. When I phoned her about arrangements for the night out, she said that she had been out every day that week and didn't want to go out with me that night, despite knowing a couple of weeks beforehand that we had planned to go out that night. At that point I realised I was being used and just put the phone down without saying another word and never spoke to her again. I am not a nasty person but felt I had put up with too much over and beyond what a lot of people would have done and I wanted the friendship to end. Jayanna9040, I would suggest that you do try to meet up with your friend again. If you find that you really don't have anything in common any more at least you will have given it a chance. If you don't have anything in common, it is likely the friendship will just fizzle out anyway.

Don't feel guilty about ending the friendship. I assume you don't have grandchildren which would make a big gap in mutual interest chat. There's nothing worse than having to listen to endless chatter about little ones' antics, and as a doting grandmother I do try to curb this myself. Why should a friendship over 50 years be treated as sacrosanct? I have kept in touch with a school chum for nearly 60 years by letter, emails etc. - the last time we met up was three years ago and it's fine, but I have another school friend who bumped into me recently and happens to live in the next village. I haven't pursued the friendship as I know it would be a dead duck.
Talking of ducks, my daughter often refers to some of my acquaintances as 'lame ducks' and there are people who do drain you and give very little back. Sometimes, and especially as we get older and time is more precious, we do have to let such friendships go. It's a similar thing with family members - my sister-in-law (widowed) is hard work when it comes to conversation so we meet up just for a birthday meal (conveniently our birthdays are near so it's just once a year) and leave it at that. She is probably just has reluctant to meet me more often!

As someone has suggested, perhaps you could give it just one more go with a trip to a gallery which would involve less social chat and perhaps just a cuppa afterwards. If your friend is frustrated by not being able to blather on about the grandchildren she might just get the hint and not push for meetings anymore. Failing that then you might have to tell her that future meetings are going to be difficult and leave it at Christmas cards. Good luck.

I would write and say that it was lovely to see her again, but it was obvious that over the years you have both walked on different paths. Tell her you value her friendship and will still keep in touch, Christmas etc, but say that meeting up again in your opinion would be a mistake. Then do as you say, send a card now and again, with a chatty note, and make the periods in between longer. She will get the message but will probably be relieved because she might feel the same as you didn't show any interest in her grandchildren/life, and she did not find your life interesting either. People change over the years. Better to accept it and keep the happy memories.

Jayanna9040, ever thought your life, how you moved forwards, your adventures and travel have made her feel insignificant and she has put on an enornmous front to compensate? I don't know the truth and I suspect you don't know the truth, perhaps she has changed into granzilla, why not do a little probing ....perhaps explain how you felt. If you have already decided to sideline this friendship then what have you to lose? But perhaps based on further information you can make a decision that sits better inside yourself. Good luck.

I was in a similar position and worried so much what to do. It resolved when I moved away, only a few streets away, but I just kept away, though I beat myself up I knew it was best. I always felt bad about myself after our meetings etc. I felt awful when she died a few years later, and did go to the funeral but I know I did right thing, not going into it. But why not keep a casual friendship, meeting for the occasional coffee for an hour, or seeing a film you both would like, no conversation Needed! It takes time for some friendships to grow again, but best friends re connect immediately so it sounds as if sh could just be a casual friend.

I hope that you have answered her by now in a way that does not smack her down or finish a friendship that worked for you once and may do so again in the future. Perhaps you could get round the differences in your lives and interests by creating new ones and arrange a meeting around a theater visit or something interesting going on in the vicinity that you meet.
I hope this turns out well for you both.

It sounds a little that maybe you don't really want to end the friendship but you feel that it may have been very one sided over the last few years. I can understand your friend was busy but you too went through a lot of life changing situations, I think your friend could maybe have supported you at these times a little better than she appeared to do. I wonder if really you just want to let her know how that made you feel and then maybe your friendship can resume on its normal path, if not then maybe the friendship would be better ending to allow you both to make new friends who have time to support each other.

I agree with Eirel. Stick with this friend a little longer and see how it goes. If she persists in talking about herself or grandchildren all the time, or makes nasty comments then end the friendship. I have a former neighbour I thought was a friend, but it was always me making the effort, and recently she said some catty things to me whilst bigging herself up and telling how devoted her friends were to her. I wonder now if she actually likes me at all! Anyway, I shall not be making arrangements to see her in the future - I suspect she is rather an unhappy person, and since I like to have a therapeutic good laugh with my friends I'm ditching her.