How do I stop a persistent suitor

the emoticons didn't work.

I wouldn't call it stalking Grannylu, though if it goes on when you have told him you are just not interested then you should report it. At the moment my SIL's friend's father who unfortunately has my number has text me nearly every day/night for the last two weeks. I wouldn't call it stalking but he is very annoying. I have never let him think I would be interested in him. I normally ignore his messages, at the beginning I replied after a few nights that I don't reply to messages at night, so he still kept texting me because he really is an idiot and thought it was okay to still send a text. I then replied that his messages woke me up and not to send anymore. I still have had a couple of messages at night and the rest were late afternoon or mornings. At the end of last week I said let me set you up on online dating, he seemed happy with that, I got some details and I whipped up a profile, guessing his personality (boring and doesn't listen with the worst voice I have ever heard) because I don't really know him. Then he wanted me to go through it with him, he isn't the most computer literate person and I told him his son could help him. I had a couple of phone calls for help and then peace, no messages for the last few days. Then this morning he sent me a text, could I change his profile. [thiangry]

It's not flattering to have someone who is a pest sending messages, wanting to come to my house. I have male friends who are just friends, just because we are single doesn't mean we have to be interested romantically. [thiconfused] I dont care if his son is SIL's friend he will be told to fuck off.

thatbags you're possibly right, I got the feeling that the OP was boasting, I think I would walk around with a secreat smile and not tell anyone

Have you told him to fuck off yet? Nothing like a really clear answer for getting through to a serial pesterer. "Leave me alone" means the same thing but it doesn't have the power. If fuck off doesn't work, then get the police involved.

But only if you really really really want him to leave you alone and aren't secretly flattered by his attention.

Am I the only one not quite getting this? He approached you before you were married, many years ago. You told him you were getting married and he left you alone. Now he has written to you twice albeit you made it clear after the first time you weren't interested. Is this stalking and a police matter? Well, you all think it is so it must be... but how old is this guy? Is he truly threatening or just a pain in the arse? Honestly, if you feel threatened then you must report it but ripping up his letters is an option if he is just an irritating toad

I agree with advice given. It is making you feel uncomfortable I would not send a relative or man friend around.
As others have said, contact the police and keep a full record of what you have done and what he has done.
Even if nothing untoward has occured it's best to let the police know as soon as possible.

I must say again, that if it is only letters, then it shouldn't be that hard to deal with.

Phone calls, visits etc are another matter.

Well, she did say he wrote asking to be friends............

How do you know what the letters said Battersea1971?

You are only talking about two letters so think you are slightly over reacting. You say you've known him for 20 years so it's not as if it's a stranger, just a lonely little soul who wants a friend. Don't even respond to the letters. He has only asked you out so not sure about reporting him to the police.

I had this happen when I was young. A man I worked with would constantly come into my office and "chat me up". I didn't fancy him in the least and he was a lot older than me. He kept it up when I became engaged. To top it all I received a love letter on my wedding day from him. I threw it straight on the fire. Luckily hubby and I were moving abroad so I finally got free of him. I do believe it was stalking, and I think the OP is being stalked.

If it just letters, then surely it is easily ingnored?

Anything else, persistent phone calls, texts, emails, visits etc may be another matter.

How close to you does this man live?

Sounds like harassment as you've already made it clear your not interested. So yes I think it would be considered as stalking. It's a good idea getting a male relative to interviene. Good luck

Just tell him you are gay....that should keep him away...hahaha

Seriously though... You do not even have to acknowledge him. Do not answer any messages. He will soon realize and get fed up!

Thank you all so much for your excellent and helpful advice. I feel a lot better now, realising that if the pest continues to pester me I don't have to cope with this on my own.

I shall wait and see what happens next, hoping against hope that he will give up. If he doesn't, I shall certainly talk to the police, as I feel helpless in the face of someone who completely ignores me when I say NO.

Stupidly, I shredded his first letter, but I kept a copy of my reply, and have taken a phone picture of his second letter and the yellow sticky I attached to it before sending it back to him.

Thank you again, lovely Gransnetters, for your kind advice.

My daughter had (what hopefully was )a one off situation with a neighbour and was talking to a policeman at a Mental Health conference (part of her job)who said if it happened again to contact the neighbourhood police team .This was in -person harassment (tapping her window wanting to be her 'friend') but he said they would take it seriously .

I would call 101 in your situation. They take harassment very seriously, especially a single lady. It's unwanted attention you did not ask for and if telling him several times hasn't worked you need help imo . Good luck getting him sorted!

Do you think this amounts to stalking? Yes I do and you tell him in no uncertain terms that if he persists the police will be involved. Better still if you have male friends maybe they can 'persuade' this gentleman to desist his unwanted attention. You could also try another tactic. Mark any mail that you recognise from him as 'not known at this address' and put it back in the mail. What you shouldn't do is respond to any of his letters but keep them as evidence if the time comes when you seek legal advice.

Please phone the police and ask for advice. They will be pleased to help you. That is what they are there for and you (along with the rest of us) have paid plenty tax for the privilege. Don't think twice about it. It must be making you feel unsafe and miserable.

I suggest you do not answer any letters or have any contact with him at all.

If you don't want to call the police yourself maybe a friend or relative could do it for you?

Please don't deal with this alone out of any sense of pride and independence, we all need a little help sometimes,

All the best and if you could post how you get on that would be wonderful and would help those in a similar situation,

As above, record everything - days, times, letters from and to, and keep copies. Only threaten what you will carry out, so be certain you will go to the police if you warn him you will. Otherwise tell them now. Get friends/neighbours/relatives on speed dial in case he shows up, and a chain on your doors. Awareness is your best friend. Put neighbours in the picture, and the keepers/regulars in local places you visit. Record everything. Precautions are not paranoia.

It is good use of police resources to take preventative action, to stop possible escalation of the man's behaviour.

Is it just letters? If so, just write (as others have said) and send by recorded delivery, threatening to inform the police.

To be honest, I don't feel it's best use of police resources if it is just letters, but the threat of action may be enough.

If he doesn't leave you alone I think the threat of reporting him for stalking might curtail his enthusiasm.

If he continues to send letters or approach you when you have made it quite clear that you want him to stop, I think this probably constitutes stalking. I don't know the length of time that has to pass before you can take action but, as someone else said, perhaps Citizens Advice could help. As someone suggested, it might be worth the money to get a solicitor to send him an official letter so as to nip this behaviour in the bud. In any event, as others have said, you should keep a record of any approaches he makes and from now on retain the letters if he sends any more.