Hugs but no kisses

I do understand that you feel lonely OP I have been left with the emotional fallout of being the wife who in a million years never thought her husband of 33 years would start a relationship with a lonely widow.who
It would start with a friendly hug a peck of the cheek to asking him to fix a plumbing problem in her house, when he turned up she was totally naked on the stairs waiting with the door ajar ........ the rest you can guess

I'm now on my own sometimes I feel lonely but would never ever go after somebody else's husband / partner.

In a thread recently someone quoted from the Bible, "He who has looked at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" It was quoted to justify condemning anyone who enjoys a bit of banter and joking, so nearly all of the responses were to say that a bit of banter is not what was condemned there.

BUT perhaps you should think a bit about it. In fantasising about this man and depending on him as your emotional outlet, you are skating dangerously near to "looking at him with lust" and the boundary between that and being drawn into a relationship that puts his marriage into potential disaster is not difficult to cross - accidentally, maybe, but crossed even so. It is most unfair of you to risk doing this to him - and to his wife, who doesn't seem to feature as high in your list of friends.

If you have any consideration for her, or a conscience, ease back a bit in your contact and look around actively for somewhere else to find the closeness that is lacking in your life. Can you volunteer to help vulnerable children or adults who need some love in their lives? You have love to give, there are people out there who have no-one of their own to provide it.

Forgive a bit of amateur psychobabble, but let me run this past you.
Is it possible that a large part of the attraction is precisely because he is "spoken for" I.e.unavailable?
If he were single would you really rush into another marriage with all the complications that might involve? Do you yearn to wash his socks and put up with his snoring or is the romantic dream more attractive than the potential reality?
Just thinking.

I agree with all the others, and think you should get other friends through other interests. However, if it is a relationship you want, try on-line dating. Worked for me.

Some sensible posts on here.

You are obviously missing male company, having a man in your life even if not a live-in partner.
The loneliest women among my circle who are widowed or divorced are the ones who seem unable to make female friends and enjoy their company. The ones who get together with other women, join groups, get out and about are the ones who seem able to enjoy their lives after bereavement or divorce.

There are mixed groups, classes, trips to various places too. I think you need to broaden your horizons because this relationship has to have its limits and I think you know that.

When I was a teenager I fantasised constantly about Donny Osmond, David Cassidy and a guy in the Onedin Line who I can't even remember the name of. As I got older I fantasised about Richard Gere, Brad Pitt and Harrison Ford Even Tom Hanks got a look in at one point. I knew they were unattainable but the fantasies were fun.

Who decides when we're too old to have fantasies.

Enjoy your fantasy. You and he have both agreed that you're not going to take it any further so no one is harmed as long as you don't let the fantasy take over your life. Make sure you don't cut yourself off from other people. You never know someone might be just around the corner waiting to become your dream come true and you won't need your fantasy anymore.

vq you probably never met any of these people and wouldn't regard them as your best friend.

Odd that the wife is not the best friend, she is only 'usually' there which means not always. Dangerous situation.

We can all still have fantasies

I always find it interesting when posters try to step back from the obvious meaning of the title they choose to start their post....
Your title was 'Hugs but no kisses'....intimating that you want more whilst he has definitely drawn a line.
You want more than he will give....that's the bare naked truth and you must either accept that and be happy or....be fore ever in the land of denial and therefore unhappy and frustrated.
He is married....and whatever he has told you only those party to the marriage know the larger picture....I'll never say the full picture because that is sometimes never known.

PLease just be happy to be a good and loving friend......you cannot have more.

You are not behaving like a friend, grow up.

OP, you didn't ask a question but presumably your question would be " How do I stop feeling unhappy?"

The answer is the one that many posters have given you - extend your life to have more interests and real friends instead of longing for this man whom you can't have.

I am exactly the same about Poldark...........every Sunday, ought to be ashamed of myself.

If you have agreed not to kiss, then he has told you this is platonic and platonic relationships can be hed intact while you each have someone else to kiss.

Find a kisser or your own and keep this chap as a bestie mate. I have some wonderful men friends and frankly would not waste a perfectly good friendship on romantic entanglement. Clearly you still have confidence in yourself so find someone available nd go out as a foursome.

What I don't understand is the we "agreed not to kiss a long time ago"

Does this mean he feels the same and that you both discussed your feelings and decided only hugging as he was married?

if that's the case I expect she knows or has an inclining at least and that's why she is watching you like a hawk, I feel sorry for his wife it must be awful for her. I think you should walk away and make new friends.

Not too old to have a crush...just find a single man to have a crush on.

You risk loosing your best friend.

You go out usually with him and his wife, presumably she thinks you are a friend to her because not many wives would happily tolerate the presence of someone else on outings. Even if nothing happens between you and her husband, yes, her husband, yOu are abusing her trust by continuing with this relationship.
My mother was in this position and it broke her heart when she found out the truth.
Please think about what you are doing. He has made it clear no kisses, take it that he has no intention of deceiving his wife. Dont put temptation in his way. Find other friends, join a group, go out , enjoy yourself. Distance yourself and this infatuation will fade and perhaps put yourself in her position, how would you feel?

radicalnan - LOL, Your first sentence is so funny!

You have said yourself that you know it's not right to kiss him - no ifs or buts. You are lucky that the wife gives you the time of day. If you want to lose these people as friends, you are going the right way about it. And were you to let this man kiss you, you would both feel terrible about it - so just don't.

Cheaters always use the same excuse my other half doesn't understand me, we don't have a physical relationship any more, get yourself away from this relationship faster than fast,just think how you would feel if you were his partner & found out this had been going on, only hurt & sadness can come of it, even if he left his partner & came to you, could you trust he wouldn't do exactly the same again to you? maybe he just enjoys the chase & the excitement.

You are living dangerously that's for sure. Time to stop and think how his wife would react if she knew. Time to grow up and move on.

Get yourself on the internet, lots of people have been able to revive their social lives via social media. He's not for you, you just think he is because he pays you attention. Sounds to me like he's a bit of a piss artist who gets a kick out of upsetting his wife by hugging you. Is he using you?

Every time I read the thread title/OP it takes me back to teenage years reading the problem page in Jackie or Petticoat. It makes me want to say grow up, move on, how would you feel.

None of us are 'too old' to have 'feelings'or crushes on another person.Another person will only respond to anothers
advances if there is something lacking or has gone 'stale' in their marriage/relationship.Some women and men after years of a relationship take each other for granted.Someone else appears and shows interest in them and before you know it an affair begins.Some women tend to treat their men like one of the children.Disaster.
However look elsewhere for male companionship.Not with someone elses husband.

Granadier you are a predator. You are not going to get the validation on here that you seem to be seeking. You know that what you are doing is just plain wrong and you are clearly a weak willed woman who just gives in to her basest desires. The husband of this couple is not honouring his wife in the way in which he is allowing you to feed on your crush and continue to fantasize about him and neither is he encouraging you to grow up and move on.
There is a wife involved here and the potential for distress and hurt is enormous and would increase exponentially if there are children and grandchildren involved too. Anyone who is behaving in a way that has the potential to destroy that family is the worst kind of person.
Leave them alone and make your own life well away from them!

Stop this "mental affair" at once. His wife will almost certainly have picked up on the vibe between you and will be willing it to end. I've been on both sides.

radicalnan I am still waiting for Lord Melbourne to come and sweep me off my feet but he seems to have deserted me.
Never mind, Sam Neill will do very nicely instead.

My two favourite men about whom I fantasise [sigh]

Granadier75 - I can understand that you miss the support your husband would have given you, I am a widow too (18 years) and I worked with a lovely man, who - in his own words - would have courted me if he hadn't been already married. We shared a similar sense of humour and outlook on life and seemed to instinctively know what the other was thinking. However, he was married and happily so, so our friendship went no further than just work colleagues. I think it would help you if you could make friends apart from this couple. Is there a pensioners group or hobby group you could join? Local libraries often have details and you never know, you could meet someone who is free to love and care about you and give you the love you deserve.