Hugs but no kisses

Forgive a bit of amateur psychobabble, but let me run this past you.
Is it possible that a large part of the attraction is precisely because he is "spoken for" I.e.unavailable?
If he were single would you really rush into another marriage with all the complications that might involve? Do you yearn to wash his socks and put up with his snoring or is the romantic dream more attractive than the potential reality?
Just thinking.

In a thread recently someone quoted from the Bible, "He who has looked at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" It was quoted to justify condemning anyone who enjoys a bit of banter and joking, so nearly all of the responses were to say that a bit of banter is not what was condemned there.

BUT perhaps you should think a bit about it. In fantasising about this man and depending on him as your emotional outlet, you are skating dangerously near to "looking at him with lust" and the boundary between that and being drawn into a relationship that puts his marriage into potential disaster is not difficult to cross - accidentally, maybe, but crossed even so. It is most unfair of you to risk doing this to him - and to his wife, who doesn't seem to feature as high in your list of friends.

If you have any consideration for her, or a conscience, ease back a bit in your contact and look around actively for somewhere else to find the closeness that is lacking in your life. Can you volunteer to help vulnerable children or adults who need some love in their lives? You have love to give, there are people out there who have no-one of their own to provide it.

I do understand that you feel lonely OP I have been left with the emotional fallout of being the wife who in a million years never thought her husband of 33 years would start a relationship with a lonely widow.who
It would start with a friendly hug a peck of the cheek to asking him to fix a plumbing problem in her house, when he turned up she was totally naked on the stairs waiting with the door ajar ........ the rest you can guess

I'm now on my own sometimes I feel lonely but would never ever go after somebody else's husband / partner.

Don't even think about him that way or you will lose a good friend. There's no age limit on feeling attraction but you are not a teenager, you are an older woman who has lived a life and hopefully leaned from it. I understand you are lonely and missing physical contact, but this is not the solution.

You do not say what your relationship is with his wife, but it doesn't sound as if she is important to you, nor do I read anywhere that this marriage is unhappy. Imagine how you would feel if this all went pear-shaped and you lost the pleasure of his company. Use all your experience and move this relationship into a more brotherly mode. It can be done. I must be done.

It's not harsh. It's just straight down the line. Like most of the responses.

elegran's advice is good. I'd suggest you go and talk to a shrink about your feelings too. Seriously. It might help.

That's harsh Mrsmopp Granadier has clearly said she would do nothing ..

I suppose the fact you are thinking and wanting it whilst knowing it won't ever happen has become a bit of an obsession and probably not too healthy for either you or him or his wife

Reading your post again you say you agreed a while ago not to kiss so did you have a past relationship with him or did you tell him about your feelings for him or else how did this become discussed between you? How long have you known this man and his wife were you all friends when your husband was alive ? I m guessing you are 75 and you were widowed in your late 60 s so not alone very long 6/7 years maybe? So when did these feelings start ? I think it's relevant to realise why you believe he is your best friend was it grief/ loneliness/ kindness

As others have said turn to other friends or hobbies or interests you are fantasising unless he has led you on

How can he be your best friend if you almost never see him without his wife?
You surely can't have the sort of chats you'd have with a best friend, while his wife is there.

Possibly she has wanted them both to stop seeing you but he has refused, saying he is sorry for you and nothing will happen. That would give rise to her being a bit cold towards him when you see her. Things might be completely different when they are alone together.

Why not socialise more with your other friends, married or not, as long as you are not attracted to any of the husbands?

That's a bit harsh Mrs Mopp, the Poster has not DONE anything, she knows she shouldn't, and I am sure, wouldn't. I would like to bet that every one of us here no matter how happily married, may have had some small fantasy, and as long as it stays a fantasy then that is fine in my book. You post back to her as though she were a raving nympho or Man hunter. Do you lack confidence? Mrs Mopp.

I hope you don't live anywhere near me!
Keep well away from another woman's husband.
Stop fantasizing about him and act your age- you're not a teenager! Grow up!
You know it's wrong, surely?

x posts DaphneB

Quite a few of us are widowed too, Granadier75. I can sympathise to an extent with your loneliness, but would never consider another woman's husband to be the answer.

It does seem to be all in your head, and you really are too old to have this sort of crush.

If you have other friends then you're not that unsociable! You do sound very needy though, and that's not attractive in either sex.

"Quite a few" members was what I meant.

I think quite members are either widowed or divorced or single for whatever other reason granadier but I understand the need for a bit of physical contact - whether a friendly hug or just an arm round the shoulders. The thing is to keep it in proportion. I hope you are not too lonely and that friendship with other men and women will bring you the companionship,you need. Just don't risk losing friends by becoming romantically involved.

I am sure that you are right Elegran when you say his wife feels sorry for me and knows that I am not a threat to their marriage. I was feeling unhappy when I first wrote on this forum. I wanted to know if there is anyone else who has experienced what I am.

Most of the forum respondents seem to be married. I am not a very sociable person and probably would not be able to meet other male persons. I do have other friends who are married and have never been attracted to them.

If my husband were frequently hugging another woman who I was well aware regarded him as her best friend asnd would like him to be more than that - well I don't think I would be very responsive when he hugged me either.

If I thought that he shared the "other woman's" desire, I would either end the friendship he and I had with that woman, or I would end our marriage.

As she doesn't seem to be doing either of these things, I think you can assume that she knows perfectly well that he doesn't look on you in the way that you would like - and it is very likely that they have discussed the situation and decided to ignore it, perhaps they even pity you a bit, being lonely and not having a man of your own.

Go out more with other people, female and male - there are lots of men out there who are feeling as lonely as you, who don't have wives to complicate a relationship. No need to start up a romance with anyone - just get more variety of male input in your life.

Don't go there!

I have not done anything wrong but I know my thoughts are. He hugs me in front of his wife who does not respond when he hugs her. When I feel unhappy I need to write it down. I understand what you are all saying but he is also my best friend in whom I confide and have common interests. I have felt like this for many years and neither of us has given in nor likely to.

Gren it's wrong, pure and simple, put distance between this man and yourself and find somebody else.

His poor wife! You and he are already deceiving her. Just stop it and sto[ behaving like a hormonal teenager.

Would you really be attracted to this man if he were single and available? If he were to enter into a physical relationship with you then honesty and trust can't be top of his list. Find yourself someone who is unattached.

No harm in fantasizing. Just don't turn it into reality. People will get hurt, probably including you!!

He is not yours to kiss.

Leave him to his wife.

Yeah Granadier act your age !

I was that wife ....,
She was a 60plus widow
Leave well alone you will cause such heartache and find yourself someone who is unattached and be happy ...,,, I'm now divorced and like he said "she turned my head" some men just can't handle flirty women