My husband has crossed his birthday off the calendar !

It's terribly sad that he feels a failure and is depressed about the future. From what you say, he is very far from a failure because he is a kind and conscientious man who has done his very best to do right by other people. That is what I, and I'm sure many other people, would see as a "successful" human being and someone to be admired.

I do agree with the view of others that his scribbling out of his birthday perhaps indicates that it is something that he may benefit from talking about.

There is also the possibility that too much is being read into this. As you say he is a quiet person who doesn't like a lot of public attention, maybe he is just indicating that he doesn't want a lot of fuss - but he doesn't want to get into a discussion about it.

Either way, I think it would be helpful to talk to him about it and, if he is determined that he doesn't want a fuss, then perhaps a low key special meal at home would be better.

I would do the same if I could. This year DH and I went off on our own - he went walking and I pootled about and really enjoyed my day. I feel there is an obligation for people to make a fuss of you on the day - and I feel awkward about this. I guess I'm a bit of a loner

How to mark the birthday is of least importance.
Talking to your DH about how he feels is the important thing to do.
He probably scribbled out your note on the calendar as a spontaneous reaction to his own feelings, without giving any thought to what reaction you might have.

Are you sure He wanted it blasted across such a very critical audience, maybe it was meant to be a little joke between husband and wife, maybe He doesn't want to be 65, don't try to first guess Him, it will all become clear, eventually, I hope.

We don't tell them do we (or I don't!) but they would only get conceited.

I hope he manages to enjoy his birthday no matter what you do. And you too.

Oh he would never do a "public celebration" of any kind anyway Juggernaut. Well not one that made him the centre of attention.

It took him all his time to manage a meal for family and close friends after we got married.

I probably don't do it enough kittylester but you are right that is what I need to do. Any Yes, he is wonderful

gillybob
Would he be okay with you doing a nice 'special' meal at home? Perhaps one of the M&S deals, or something similar.
I'd make a cake but perhaps just put one candle on it, either a musical candle or one of those that you can't blow out!
A couple of glasses of something bubbly (Asda Extra Special Asti is a nice drink for £5-48) and a few indoor sparklers stuck in the cake would mark the occasion, but not force him into publicly celebrating!

He obviously needs to be told he's wonderful gilly and not a failure. I'm sure you do that anyway but his birthday is looming large in his mind.

I don't think it is because of the number Flossie777 I think its a lot to do with the fact that unlike most of his peers he cannot even begin to think of retiring and cannot even see a time in the future when he will be able to do so. He says he is a failure. Which he is not. He is just a decent, kind, clever man who puts everyone and anyone before himself. He doesn't look anywhere near his age (lucky him) and has much better and thicker hair than me despite our 11 year age gap!

He has a lot "going on" at the moment and I think the idea of a celebration of any kind is the furthest thing from his mind.

I think the best thing is to celebrate his birthday, not the number. Just get a card with happy birthday on it, one candle on the cake etc. 65 is a milestone birthday, when he is 66 he will be happier.

Talk to him. He probably would like you to offer him the chance to talk even if he doesn't take it. That way you have acknowledged his issue.

He is a very quiet man and hates parties etc. so I was considering booking a table (nothing posh)in a little restaurant not far from where we live but I would have to tell him well in advance or he will be working. The trouble is if I tell him well in advance he will probably tell me to cancel. He is normally a very optimistic person and its me who is the doom and gloom one, so this is really worrying me.

Yes, of course Anya, it would be very unfair to just spring something on him!

Even if she acknowledges he doesn't want to 'celebrate' it perhaps she could ask if there's something he'd like to do instead?

But shouldn't she broach the subject with him beforehand?

gillybob said in her OP that she knows the reason. She just wants ideas on how to go about actually celebrating her DH's 65th, even though he seems to want to forget about it.

Why wouldn't you ask him why?

Gillybob I think you should ask him why. He's probably actually waiting for that question as it was hardly a subtle crossing out, was it?

Trouble is most men (and a few women) find it difficult to talk about their feelings. But I think this is a conversation you need to have.

I think it might help him to talk about his frustration and maybe that would be a good present for him if you can acknowledge his frustration and no doubt you need to express yours too. ((Hugs))

As you say you know why he's done it, gillybob, I'm not sure how you can approach it as of course you're probably just as fed-up as he is that retirement is no more than a dream for either of you for the foreseeable future.

I think you should definitely mark his birthday in some way, after all it's one of the landmark ones whether you're retiring or not! You know him best, would he want a party or prefer something low-key?

I think you should mention it. He presumably wants to talk about it as that is a very noticeable gesture. I hope you can resolve it!

I would have to ask him why

No need for apologies LyndaW there were no other threads.

He probably wishes he could retire kittylester or even just slow down a little bit.

I don't think its about getting older at all. He looks a lot younger than his age anyway and whilst I am 11 years his junior many people think we are the same age

Apologies if I've missed other threads and there is a good reason for his scribbling it out gillybob but if it's simply because he's getting older I'd be inclined to ignore his scribbling and celebrate regardless. Needn't be a big celebration and perhaps just a quiet dinner with the two of you. He couldn't possibly want you to ignore it completely, could he? Mind you I love birthdays myself, even the 'milestone' ones. Any excuse for a celebration - life is too short not to.