DIL problems that I don't get

I was talking about Azie09's post when I pointed out that her post was the most helpful, caring reply to grannygranby. I think most replies have been very judgemental and not at all helpful.

grannygranby's daughter is fed up of her brother's family coming to her house at Xmas. She is the one who needs to tell them that.

grannygranby wants a good relationship with her DGCs. She needs to fit in with their parents' wishes.

That's all there is to it.

I don't understand why it has to be a case of love me, love my dogs at a family gathering. Why risk damaging an already fragile relationship for a few hours without your pets.

No, I don't like dogs or cats, couldn't have an animal in my home, but if you have a beloved pet try to understand that they're not always welcome in other people's homes and unless you are absolutely meticulous in pet hygiene, your home may not always be a very pleasant place to visit for someone who doesn't like animals around them.

My sister loves her cats. I love my sister. I tolerate the smell in her home sometimes and put up with the cat hairs on my black trousers,etc, etc, crikey I even talk to the cats as though they're human like she does, but I don't like them. I think I'm a stable person, no mental issues ever diagnosed, but I don't like animals and would never invite someone to bring a dog to my home.

This is by far the most caring, helpful reply so far. Most of the replies have been very judgemental and not at all helpful.

I suffer from dog owners who think their dogs are wonderful and let them near me. I'm scared. It takes all kinds to make up the world and it should be recognised by all. A dog walk in the park is my idea of hell.

Marmark1 and Wot me too. Lovely pick just like mine. Dogs are a life saver for people living on their own.

Maybe DIL feels threatened by the relationship you have with your son? Perhaps she feels the most important woman in his life should be her? Well, she is his wife, and he has to support her so you can expect that he will do that. He is a married man now not just your son and you have to accept that.

Forget about the dogs. They can be locked in a room or put in the garden. It is the relationship with DIL you need to get straight.

Why would this young woman be so "anti", even at the first meeting? I think this is the main problem, just forget the dogs!
Take the dogs out of the equation (kennels over Christmas perhaps?) and try to establish a better relationship with your DIL, perhaps through the DGC?

Perhaps she was nervous, shy at the first meeting and they got off on the wrong foot and have never got over that first hurdle?

I'm not anti-dogs at all but I would be wary of dogs with DGC. Even the nicest dog could snap if small children are rough with them.

Good grief I know people should be wary of mixing dogs and children but this is ridiculous! To not even be able to point to a dog in the garden beggars belief! There is definitely more to this than is being acknowledged. Is DIL jealous of your relationship with DD? She is either very insecure or controlling or is the latter because of the former. She and DS are not doing DGC any favours raising them to be afraid of dogs who can genuinely be a great thing for a child. My DGC love my dogs (child killer staffies) but the dogs know their place , physical and hierarchical , and the children have been taught to respect the dogs
This situation is unlikely to be about the dogs but they are being used as an excuse. DIL needs to grow up, she's a selfish madam imo.

Not just dogs, DiL apparently doesn't like coming to our house and can't wait to leave, says she is allergic to the cats, but I have never seen her blow her nose, scratch or rub her eyes whilst round here. DS says it is an excuse, makes him cross, and certainly it was no different when we had no cats, when our previous two cats had died, before we got two more. She still couldn't wait to go. DGDs adore the cats, and love cuddling them, and we look after one of them one day a week, and other days when asked. Keep asking myself what I must be doing wrong.

I very rarely comment on these posts but feel compelled to post in OP defence. Firstly, I have 3 dogs and 8 cats so could be considered an animal lover. However, when my DC were little, my in-laws had a dog which wasn't used to children but, when we would visit, not only did it stay in the room but also was not allowed to be moved from the sofa so someone could sit down. Also, if one of DC went to stroke said dog, they were told to leave him alone by my in-laws. Needless to say we didn't visit very often. What I'm trying to get at here is that I can see both sides of the dog issue.

However, I think people are focusing too much on the dogs here and not enough on the relationship, which is what I think the OP wants help with. Nobody seems concerned that OP arranged to visit DS & DIL, made a drive he/she didn't want to make but wanted to see her family so made the effort and, when she arrived, there was nobody in as DS had "forgotten" to tell DIL. I am assuming the dogs didn't travel with OP, so how much more effort can he/she make? All the OP wants is to have a relationship with the DGC but it seems DS & DIL have a problem with this. It seems to me that, whilst DIL may genuinely have an issue with dogs around DGC, it is being used as a reason not to spend time with OP.

I'm not sure how to go about resolving this as OP has already made the effort to visit DS and family but if you're nervous about driving and travelling some distance to visit and nobody is in when you do plan a visit, I know I wouldn't be too keen to repeat the exercise.

Good luck OP and I hope a solution can be found.

Marmark ? sorry, fat fingers

Narmark I love him at first sight!!

Not all dogs are so lovely though!

The MIL role is a tricky one. I always tried to remember what it was like being a DIL. My SIL is like another son. I told him very early on that if I ever over stepped any boundaries he was to tell me so. I have given the same advice to my soon to be DIL. Our son has chosen well and we already get on famously. I consider ourselves to be lucky.

The dog issue is a difficult one. I think it is very hard for dog lovers to understand those of us who aren't and vice versa. I had a much loved dog from the age of 13 when our family moved to the country. I never liked the dog which replaced her. We ourselves kept cats before the children. Since having kids I wouldn't give house space to either. Our D is very allergic and always suffers if she visits a house with dogs. I'm afraid that simply shutting them in the garden doesn't help as the dust and hairs are in the house, however much it is hoovered. Her own D loves both dogs and cats but the S is frightened of dogs after a very large one ran up to him in the park and knocked him over at the age of about 3.

I guess I'm just saying that we are all different on our approach to domestic pets. If the OPs DIL has an allergy or phobia then I fully understand her not visiting. I have neither but with the exception of one dog who resides in NZ, I'd rather not have them indoors.

Ask your DIL what the issue is but be prepared for an answer that you may not like. I know my own sister in law never forgave me for not allowing her dogs into our house.

I fully understand how much people love their pets. I do get it, but with the exception of Steve the hamster who comes for his holidays when the GC are away, ours will always be a pet free house.

GrannyGranby as you can probably tell by some of these posts, incomprehensible as it may seem, there are a lot of people who just don't like dogs.

This is despite the fact that dogs were the earliest animal domesticated by man, and provided them with protection, warmth, companionship and help in the hunt for food. They see them as dirty and smelly. My dogs aren't dirty or smelly. They have their paws and bottoms washed after every walk and their eyes and teeth cleaned daily.

His dog is my 10-year old GS's best friend, in fact his only friend

He is on the autistic spectrum and his dog has helped him overcome many barriers in the few months he's had her. He used to shun events that brought him into contact with people and hated sport and team activities. He's now training his dog with the local fly-ball team.

BUT it's no good me even trying to convince others that dogs and children are a great combination because everyone has heard of those rogue dogs that ought never to have come into contact with little people.

So I'd find a solution to keep everyone happy and not try to impose your pooches on those who will never understand the attraction of man's best friend.

I don't think the posts are "harsh" as someone said upthread. This person (gender seems to be in doubt!) has a difficult relationship which is compounded by insistence on the inclusion of the dogs. People have said that he/she should drop that and simply take the dogs out of the equation. Seems like sound advice to me, and intended to help the situation.

Unfortunately, most dog lovers assume that most people feel the same way.

A few years ago, we were invited for Xmas to a relatives house.
Initially, we were quite pleased. But we knew she had dogs and was a fervent dog lover.

Unfortunately, when we arrived we soon realised that her doggy population had increased somewhat. She had, and still does have twelve dogs.

I have had dogs myself in the past so I am not totally against them, but they were all allowed to jump up on furniture and all,over us too.

I couldn't wait to get home and throw all my clothes in the wash.

Of course, we couldn't complain as she was very hospitable.
But you see what I mean about Dog Lovers.

I don't like fussy dogs what jump up and I get annoyed when you are in a public place where there are signs saying they should be on leads there are always some owners who don't think it applies to them so dogs come jumping up and owner says oh it won't hurt you . Dogs need training one of my sons as a dog and is used to children but I still don't trust it my oh loves dogs but agrees ??

I really do not like dogs, particularly their smell. I do not trust them, don't like their habits and do not choose to be around them. They are not welcome in my home. Many of my friends are the same. Other friends who have dogs do not impose them on me which seems to me a very telling measure of their regard for me.

It really is a simple matter grannygranby. If you want a relationship with your son's family do not insist on including your dogs or you just won't have a relationship at all. No really does mean NO!

I have a very keen sense of smell and I absolutely know which people are dog owners - it makes me feel nauseous and I need to use peppermint to help me cope which is very embarrassing. This is not something I have any control over and it has become worse as I have become older.

Do you put your dogs away when they visit? If not. It might explain why they dont visit and why you're 'rapidly' whisked off to a restaurant?

The daughter I mentioned now has a young dog of her own which does what she says but not what anyone tells it to do. Whenever anyone visits it hurls itself like a cannonball at you, bites in a puppylike way and draws blood - its awful. Yet she says it is everyone else's fault for not disciplining it properly, yet she has her own peculiar way of "training" it. My husband says its just energetic, and he likes it, but I hate going now because the dog just takes over everything.

I don't like dogs, as per previous posts, I don't like the smell, drool, fur, mud they leave everywhere. Certainly don't like sitting on any furniture they have been on. I would have been unhappy taking my children to a house with dogs. Also don't like the arrogance of doggy people that think not liking them is some sort of deficiency on my part. I suspect dogs are the focus for OP's difficulties, not the whole story.

I love dogs, but if you know for a fact DIL can't tolerate your dogs, why can't you just accept that, compromise a bit and not insist that they are always part of the equation ?

What happened to your dogs when you went to visit them - did you leave them at home ? Why do the dogs have to go with you when you visit everyone ?

Interesting. I must say we used to go to my husband's daughter for Christmas lunch. Last year she said she didn't have room, and no other comment other than that. We were quite upset, considering the financial help my husband had given her all year. What actually was the problem was a newly installed very large dog in a cage, belonging to her son's girlfriend. They'd been living in Australia and returned to stay.

All this seems to revolve round dogs and the fact that your son won't stick up for you. I do think that having issued an invitation to your son you need to have a reply from him. Contact him again and tell him you need to make arrangements for Christmas and you can't do so if he fails to reply to you. What a way to treat his mother !!!