DIL problems that I don't get

I agree with grannyJillyT. There seems to have been such emphasis on the dogs, but I think it is about the relationship, and I agree it is so difficult to bring things out into the open. You are afraid that it will make things worse. I have similar issues in the family, without any dogs at all, and the last time I brought it up with DS I did it such a measured way , because in the end they would side with the wife if it comes out more into the open, while privately being unsure themselves what the rules of the game they are being expected to play are.

Surely this goes deeper than just the dogs being in the house? Maybe you all need a frank but sensible discussion to clear the air or this will go on for ever!

You can't make people like dogs. I really, really don't like them. I wouldn't go for a walk with someone with a dog as the smell of wet dog actually make me want to vomit.

Both my uncles kept dogs when I was young. Uncle 1's boxer dogs broke wind constantly, which was eye watering. Uncle 2's dogs were enormous and knocked me and my Dsis over when we were little by jumping up on us (on at least 3 occasions). Both uncles thought MORE exposure to the dogs would make us like them more but it made me hate them. Uncle 2 I no longer have any contact with for several reasons but one of them is that he wouldn't call the dogs off when they jumped up on me as an adult.

I worked with a client and even though she shut her large dog in the kitchen, he broke out several times and went straight for my crotch every time. He also did the eye watering breaking wind. I had to say I wouldn't work with her any more unless the dog wasn't in the house. Of course she choose the dog over working with me, but that was absolutely fine as far as I was concerned.

One of my closest friends has dogs. She knows I just can't be in the same room as them, so she visits me or meets me out for a short time whilst her husband minds the dogs.

Maybe your DIL doesn't like you anyway, but the dogs are going to make a bad situation worse. You may just have to choose between access to your DGC or the dogs.

Not aimed at you OP,as you sound lovely and I am sure you are a responsible dog owner. But unfortunately there are a lot of dog owners who are not. They expect everyone to love their pets as much as they do,and can't understand why a lot of people don't relish a dog jumping up at them or just generally being a nuisance. I absolutely love all the dogs and if one jumped up at me,it wouldn't bother me at all. But parents are naturally protective of their children around dogs,and the way some dog owners behave,I can understand why. BUT..... having said that,I do think some parents can be irresponsible,by allowing their child to approach and even touch a dog that they have no idea of the temperament of. But that's a whole different subject. I am sorry you are having these problems with you DIL,and that your son is not very supportive of you. I know from experience how this feels,although in my case,it's an antagonist SIL causing the problems! I do hope you get this issue sorted. As a couple of PPs have said,I think you just have to accept that your DIL is probably never going to see things your way regarding your dogs,and leave them behind when you visit them.

I think we are being side-tracked by the dog issue here. The crux of all of this seems to be the DIL's attitude to her husband's family which was tricky from the start. I found working out what my role as MIL should be quite difficult and I have many friends who feel the same. I think I expected my relationship with my son to carry on as before when he got married. Of course it doesn't and it shouldn't. But with a bit of give and take (mostly on my side!!) DIL and I seem to have worked things out. If you could have a one to one conversation with your DIL I think it would really help. Any maybe sort out the secondary dog issue.

Just wanted to add that I think it is bad manners to take your dog to someone else' house unless you ask first. My OH's Aunt brought her dog to our home and it peed all over my new sofa. I never was able to get that stain out. Not to mention the hair problem when they are molting, or when they are on heat, or the chance of bringing their fleas and ticks with them. No, I would not let them near the bed!

Not all people like dogs. I like them, especially Golden Labradors but if I had one I wouldn't dream of inflicting them on someone else especially if I knew they didn't like or were afraid of dogs. 'He won't hurt you' doesn't cut it. I don't like to see dogs licking people's faces either because they could have been licking their bottoms earlier on. A child could become seriously ill after a dog licks their mouth.

Problems just do not stop.
Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is just to stop caring ;)

Like others I think the dogs are probably part of a wider problem. For whatever reasons, you & your daughter don't like DIL and she doesn't like you. Tread very carefully! You have a choice - decide to keep up the relationship, for a start by foregoing the dogs' company for short periods of time, or risk losing contact with your son & his family completely. Make mo mistake - DIL will not put up with being "ganged up on" over the doggie issue. You know that really. If you push this in any way you will lose.

There are plenty of sad grandparents who spend all their Christmases, and even the rest of their lives, without any contact at all with their grandchildren, on account of family disagreements with an in-law :-(

In our case it is not because of dogs. I feel my.dil is holding her daughter's to ransom with us. We didn't attend a BBQ in the summer and things have gone from bad to worse. We were allowed to take the girls to the cinema, we were going for a meal after so booked a taxi, my son & dil were late picking them up and the taxi waited for us and said we didn't care about the girls as we rushed off. They intend to renew their marriage vows next year and I don't think we will be invited nor will his elder brother

I grew up in a very doggy home (my father was a police dog handler and we always had at least one pet dog) but if people came we would put the dogs outside, including the pet.
Young children are at the height of the dog's mouth and any dog can suddenly snap unexpectedly. No one thinks that their dog will but they may feel unwell or have a pain somewhere or just not want to be pestered. People will also let their dogs lick people and it is easy to not notice if you see it all the time and it doesn't bother you.
Your DIL doesn't have to justify her view and it is not a question of talking her round. That is just unfair.
Your daughter can either invite her and make other arrangements for the dog or not invite her. Asking her to go for a walk with the dogs will just sound passive aggressive.

I don't have a dog. OH said it was not fair on the dog when we were both out at work all day. Now we are older I just prefer not to have one of my own. I do not like the doggy smell they leave in the house anyway especially if they are wet. I was out walking with my one yr old GS and OH and this woman was coming over the field with two big dogs. One of them spotted us and came galloping over with the second in quick pursuit. I picked up one year old and the dog was trying to grab him so I had to give him to OH who is taller than me. The woman said 'Don't worry he won't bite'! How she knew that I don't know. One year old was terrified and so was I. I do not blame your DL for wanting to keep the dogs away from her little ones. You hear so many tales these days about family dogs biting children. I wonder if it has anything to do with the colouring they put in dog biscuits? Children first Grandma, dogs second. Put them in the garden for the visit and you may find that DL will come more often. Give and take I say.

I agree about the harsh postings maryhoffman. The OP probably depends on her dog a great deal and I didn't see much evidence of the DIL considering her feelings. In law relationships are fraught with problems and the MIL/DIL ones especially so. Better to be kind to those already suffering.

I was brought up to fear dogs as my mother did not want me to want one as we were a military family and could be posted anywhere overseas. But she made me think they were just fierce so I would not want one.

It made my life awkward when visiting friends who had pets. I think she thought I'd get over it when I was out on my own, but it took years. I was ENRAGED after she died to find old photos of her playing with dogs on her grandparents farm as a child. So unfair!

Ages 2 and 4 are still vulnerable for being around dogs, or even other domesticated animals, if they are not used to them in their own home and that goes for the animals as well as the children.

We look after our DGD each week, and we also have her uncle's dog with us whilst he's at work as he lives just behind us. She's lovely and little, but still... a terrier mix. We watch them like a hawk as DGD tends to wave her arm at the dog when she comes sniffing for a hand lick. DGD has a cat in her house and she waves her arm to get the cat to go away... which is does. A waving arm to a dog can mean a signal to 'let's play!' or 'yum...you have a treat in that little hand?'

Better to be very safe than sorry as others have said as the visits are few and far between. Maybe DIL herself is apprehensive about dogs from past experience in her own life?

I was converted into a hopeless dog lover, but never would have thought it with my history of fearing dogs.

We seem to have become obsessed by the dogs in the OPs post, but surely the first sentence is the REALLY important part! Why would this young woman be so "anti", even at the first meeting? I think this is the main problem, just forget the dogs!

Yes that puzzled me too! But later she referred to her late husband. Of course could have been a same sex relationship but not terribly likely.

I think the OP has been treated a bit harshly here. I agree with all that people have said about the right NOT to have small children around dogs but I think GrannyGranby is hurting quite a lot and needs sympathy too.

Having three girls, I haven't had a DiL to have problems with but I was one myself - with MiL living with us for 16 years until her death, so I have seen the problems from that side. Being at odds with the mother of your GDs is horrible and I hope things get better.

I adore my dog but when the GD are here he has to be out, I don't trust a dog, with no real child experience, to behave, especially when kids are excited. My daughter never leaves their dog alone with the kids either.

Put the kids first. Bite the bullet it is for just a short time.

DD and family have an 8 month old dog, he is very protective of DGS and when he has friends to play they come and play downstairs in my apartment if, they are in the garden DD keeps the dog in the house as he gets very excited.
DGS Godparents have 2 JRs and DGS has never even met them, they have never had contact with children and they take no chances.
AS others have said it only takes a second to scare a dog and they will react.

I agree that there seem to be other problems here as the DIL showed "antipathy" from the first meting. But it does seem crazy to keep on pressing for contact with the blooming dogs and hence making the whole situation worse. Maybe he had the dogs with him at the first meeting!

Your son is married so his first loyalty is to his wife and children. My son detached himself from me when he first got married, but now he has been married for a while we have a good, but different, relationship.
I wonder if your DiL is actually insecure and doesn't want to share her husband with you. I had a slightly sticky start with my DiL but once we had established that I believed she was number 1 woman in his life we too have a good relationship.
I suspect that the dogs aren't really the main problem, just a symbol of it.
With regard to dogs, I too have a son who was bitten on the face by a dog at a young age. He still has the scar and it has caused him many problems in his life. We currently have DD's elderly dog living with us and he is gradually learning to tolerate it. He is 21 by the way, and has AS.
Even though this dog is, to me, harmless, I see at first hand my son's problems with the smell, the drool, the fur, and his lack of trust in dogs in general.
Luckily the dog has perfected the art of appearing invisible when my son comes in the room.

Absolutely nothing wrong with a dog on the bed as long as it's your dog on your bed!
The OP hasn't come back so I guess most of the advice is not what she wanted to hea! That happened to me with my first ever post but I swallowed my pride, acknowledged I was one sided in my view and took the advice. Glad I did. Hope OP does too.

Nothing wrong with that Wot,so does mine,spoilt rotten.

Or. Maybe your son and DIL don't want dogs around their young children. They have explained this, as its been going on since pregnancy/babies etc. The eldest is 4 so it must of been going on years?

Your DD is hosting christmas and doesn't want to put her dogs in another room.
That doesn't really give them much choice? If you all know they dont want dogs around the children, im not sure what you want them to do? Of course they haven't replied to the text, whats the point? Or maybe they have decided to stay home this year?

Your DIL is obviously anxious over dogs. Even if your son isn't, she is. There are dog attacks every other day in the news. Your son must agree with his wife and putting his children before the dogs.
You cant moan you don't see them enough if you dont accomodate them when they visit.

Rapid visits dont include Restaurants for your birthday and you seem to spend every Christmas with them.

I don't care.....I change all the bedding regularly and she's good company.

Oh dear, I've made it known that my dog gets on my bed.

I'm not a doggy person (prefer cats) and if I had children under 5, I wouldn't be taking them to visit anyone with dogs in the house.

It doesn't make me odd or mentally unstable. It simply means I don't like dogs.

I think the fact that they took you out for a nice meal in a restaurant on your birthday suggests that they are interested in a relationship with you, just not your pooches.