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DIL problems that I don't get

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elena Mon 21-Nov-16 12:26:23

After all this time, would it not help to have a real, serious chat about this, the whole family....listen to each other, tell your son and DIL how much you want to have a nice, easy relationship with them all, and what can you do to facilitate it (including the dog thing).

The 'living in denial' phrase you use is significant, I think. It feels more comfortable, and safer, not to be open and to make your feelings known, as if you are scared that if you do, bridges will be irrevocably burnt.

But maybe now is the time to be open, and genuinely loving and non-critical.

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glammanana Mon 21-Nov-16 12:05:51

Whilst it is very sad the relationship you have with your DIL in the end the choice is hers and your sons with regard to the dogs,have you ever asked if this lady has had an averse encounter with dogs or is she just generally frightened of them ? I never had my DGCs around the family pet as they can be very territorial and could just snap for no apparent reason.(the dog not the children)

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gillybob Mon 21-Nov-16 11:36:23

I think you all need to reach some kind of compromise grannygranby and from your point of view it may include leaving the dogs at home or having the looked after fro the duration of a visit. My sister has a (tiny) little dog. I visit her at her home and I walk the dog on the beach quite a bit but my DH is terribly allergic so I cannot allow it (small as she is) in my house.

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Ana Mon 21-Nov-16 11:28:51

I'm not quite clear what it is your daughter's standing firm on, grannygranby. You say she's fed up with hosting your son and his family because your dogs and hers aren't allowed in the house but you are thinking that a walk in the park with the dogs might help in some way...

Even if your DIL agreed to that, they'd still have to be kept out of the house. What is your daughter hoping is going to happen?

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Jayanna9040 Mon 21-Nov-16 11:27:27

Sorry, I wouldn't take my children to a house where dogs are. I know everyone thinks their own dogs are lovely and wouldn't hurt anyone. It only takes one snap for a child to be scarred for life or worse. My son was bittenin the face by a family dog who was only protecting its own territory.

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grannygranby Mon 21-Nov-16 11:14:25

I have a DIL who showed antipathy from the moment we met. In fact was rude! And offhand. I have tried and tried over the years. Now They have my only grandchildren, two little girls 4 and 2 and still the weird hostility. It is not explicit. It is very contained and we all seem to be living in denial. They live about 60 miles the other side of the Pennines on m62 I hate the drive, I am A widower, live alone. The last time I made the journey they were out, after me having spent three days arranging it - it seems my son didn't tell her? Or she was just being awful.
And now Christmas is coming and though she will visit my daughters fine house (not mine she refuses except for very rapid visits on my birthday when they will take me to a restaurant) My daughter is now fed up with hosting them as dil wont tolerate our dogs being in the house. My daughter does not have children but a very beloved dog. I have an older dog and a puppy for company and I love them.
So I am torn. As a compromise with my daughter I sent a message to son and dil that at xmas it would be so nice if (as they are locked in the garden for the visit) we could at least all go for a walk in the beautiful park and woods with the dogs. We know it will have to be approached slowly and bit by bit.
There has been no reply at all. I am very sad. I think the girls would love to meet the dogs but it is forbidden I was even told off by my son for pointing out the dogs in the garden to the four year old. He thinks I am doing it to annoy dil. She is not phobic she has gradually brought in the no dog rules as she became pregnant babies etc etc as reasons to exclude.
I am so sad about this. We come from a very tolerant family, unfortunately my mum is dead she'd have been a great support as would my late husband but I'm afraid, except for my dogs, I am alone. I meet my daughter every day in the week for dog walk and chat she is great but she is standing firm on this one - or making me do so.
DIL certainly knows the power she has over me for access to my granddaughters but I can't understand why. It seems the more I give the more she takes and my son who is very successful at work and at home and us a devoted father does not want to stand up for me. I suppose that is what really hurts. So any support at this difficult time really welcome.

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