Suicide and the aftermath.....please be kind, we are all suffering

I have no experience with suicide but two of my grandkids were 4 and 6 when they Daddy died I don't think any of us can realise how terribly difficult it is at that sort of age to understand what is happening don't forget as well as missing their daddy they will be feeling their mums grief and the added upheaval of leaving their familiar home

To an autistic child constants are a necessity, change and differences will throw them completely What a very sad situation and also bearing in mind some people never get to know the real reason behind a suicide and without knowing there is no way of putting it to rest or answering all the many questions buzzing around in their brain
poor K how very difficult

Winstons wish if it's in your area is excellent You are doing right by them and time will pass and hopefully they will move on it's a shame your husband is not closer with his daughter as she sounds badly in need of a daddy's love Get them as much help as is offered if the 4 year old is at nursery be sure to tell them so they know how to deal with any extra storms

Genuine good wishes to you all ?

Suicide is the worst sort of death, slowly the heart mends after the trauma. Hugs for you and the children.

supportaftersuicide.org.uk/

Try this link - for K and for you.

I am so sorry that this dreadful tragedy has befallen your family. My grandfather committed suicide when I was a little girl and I remember it most vividly - it is so difficult to come to terms with.

Oh, that's right, the funeral is past already. I hope you've all begun to move on a little. I know it can take some people longer than others. Hope things are going ok overall.

I hope that things are more settled for all the family now though I expect the funeral and Christmas will have been tough. This is the time when the hard reality will be kicking in after the initial shock and raw grief. Hope you are all hanging in there and getting support .

Such a tragic situation, bytheway! My sympathies to all! And yes, lots of (((hugs))).

Idk if the day after the funeral will be the magic moment when sd begins to move forward with her life. She still may have some financial issues to sort out, etc. After a while, however, I think you'll be able to talk to her about a move out date. Eventually, she'll want her own place again as much as you want yours back.

Also, she'll probably need a financial advisor and perhaps a solicitor. Does she have them? You guys can help her find good ones if she doesn't, but please resist the temptation to weigh in. She needs to sort it all out for herself.

I think you guys could cut back on helping her with the kids though. She has been doing it all this time and probably knows how to handle the 4 yr old's "challenging behavior" better than you. Pitch in if really needed but otherwise, please let her take the lead.

Counseling sounds like a great idea! If no one else will go, I hope you go anyway, to learn how to cope.

So sad.

What a sad situation, having lived the aftermath of suicide very close to home (my ex husband committed suicide, both my children by that marriage were older (17 and 11) I know how devastating it is. Obviously, having been divorced for some time, it was less traumatic in some ways for me, but it was still terrible. We divorced because he was an alcoholic and I could no longer deal with the abuse, but I could still remember the young man whom I had loved, my best friend for a good many years. On the other hand, my poor children were devastated, and it took a very long time for my family to find a way back to "normal" life. My heart goes out to your step daughter, and all of you. None of this is going to be easy, but I can see that K is already looking for a way forward, and I am sure you will all manage. Hugs and courage to all of you

All my sympathy and, indeed, many hugs, what a tragedy to have to cope with.

I googled 'Help for families after suicide' and there are a number of groups and charities set up to help and support families in the situation you are in. If you have the time and energy, try googling and looking at them. Many run helplines and one, Winston's wish has as its purpose helping children who have suffered a bereavement.

((Huggs)) as many as you need. That little family need you so much right now. I know an autistic child can be a handful but that child is still someone who can feel love and loss for their father and their mother will need support. Whatever you can do now could help save this little family. I hope you have the strength you need for all of you to get through this terrible time ??

I work in a children's respite home and we have Autistic children to
Look after on respite your,stepdaughter should be entitled to funded respite ,hope,fully,that will be arranged .

So glad that things are moving on, and you've got some support from family services.
All 3 of them will miss the father of their family.
You and your husband are doing the right thing, however difficult.

Thanks all for your kind words, i wrote this post after having a particularly stressful day yesterday. Things are calmer today. K had/has a very well paid job and her partner was the stay at home Dad, so I think the children (and particularly the 1 year old) are missing their Dad.

We have had a discussion today and K is going to take over feed times for the kids, no mean feat with an autistic child who will only eat what she wants, and if she doesn't get what she wants will upend the plate or fling it across the room, play with the food and happily stay hungry.

We have had meetings with the health visitor to discuss the children's needs and the family liason officer is coming tomorrow to discuss any further help that can be offered by the authorities.

K seems much more upbeat today (though i know she is suffering terribly and keeping going for the kids) she is talking of getting the house up for sale and hopefully buying again close to us as her Dad (my husband) is retired and more able to help out on a practical level and a brother who lives close by too. Her employer has also said they will pull out all stops to find her position in our area when she ready to work again, even though they know it wont be for several months at the earliest.

Thanks again for all your kind words, they really are incredibly helpful and re-assuring.

I have nothing to add to the good advice here but do want to send you all a huge (((hug))).

Not at all the same, but when my DD moved in with 2 fairly traumatised children I used to stop the car in a layby, have a bar of chocolate and listen to some music. It was the only way I could get some 'me' time but it did me a world of good. Make sure you find time to look after yourself so you can look after everyone else.

What a very distressing situation for you all. One thing I would say is that you should not feel guilty about finding the presence of this family stressful - anyone would feel the same. And it makes you doubly kind to be taking them in. Death by suicide is very traumatic for everyone around - how very sad.

Can't say anything but big hugs coming your way??

So sorry for you all, what a difficult time it must be. I can't really add to the good advice already offered on here, separate meal times, return to work even if part time, professional help for your step daughter and children . Take one day at a time, try not to worry too much about the future and remember - this too will pass. You are doing a terrific job, bon courage.

Terrible situation for all. Well done for being so supportive. A 4 year old will be disturbed by a death, autism aside. The charity Winston's Wish offer specialist help for bereaved children, including special support for under 5s www.winstonswish.org.uk.
Warmest wishes.

So very sorry to read this, some great advise already, so just adding some more hugs for you and for K and the children

Such an upheaval for you all , when you are used to being just OH and yourself in the house , the arrival of young children can cause tensions . You are doing your best for the poor family but you need to watch out for yourself too . Separate mealtimes sounds a good idea , and maybe going back to work ? what about part time ? I used to feel work gave me a breathing space , but if it is too much it won't help , the Step Daughter needs a lot of counselling and help

Here's a huge ((((((hug)))))))

You and your DH are wonderful. Your poor stepdaughter has brought herself and her children to the one safe harbour in all this misery and you have taken her in. All the more wonderful as you are not especially close to her.

Just hang on in there. It isn't easy I know, but you are doing the right thing and when they are ready you can help ease them back into independence. I'm sure you'll do everything possible that make this Christmas at least bearable for them.

There are times, and this is one of them, when we just have to bite the bullet and this is one of them. It won't be forever, but your kindness will be remembered for ever

How dreadful There is some good advice given above. I have no advice to give just to say that my brother committed suicide at the age of 24 many years ago. The shock of a death by suicide is unimaginable. We had no help, but we are a very close family and my siblings/in-laws helped each other through it. Best wishes to you all.

Just a small practical suggestion from me. Perhaps avoid the mealtime traumas by dining separately eg children first and then settle them with the Telly or whatever while the adults eat in peace. This is not the time to bother about instilling table manners.

How devastating for you all. I cannot suggest anything, other than that which has already been said. Getting professional help, as a family, seems to be the way forward.
Sending you and hope for the way forward.

That poor girl K must be going through so much pain. She needs time, care and support to cope with what life has just chucked at her. What she may see as deliberate desertion by her partner, instantly becoming the single parent of two youngsters, sole carer of an autistic child - and not being welcome at her only port of call.

I know OP said she just wanted a hug or two for herself and I hope she feels better for having voiced her feelings here. Perhaps a chat with a GP or counsellor about her fears of returning depression may help too.

Is K receiving any external support? There is a specific charity called SOBS - Survivors Of Bereavement by Suicide - which some friends of mine found helpful. Love and hugs to K and her children.

The time between death and funeral is a sort of limbo-land. Hopefully everyone will feel able to deal with things a bit better after that.