'Denying' my parents their grandsons.. the other side of the coin

I have no doubt that there are at least 2 sides to every situation where grandchildren and grandparents are not in contact.
It is often said by the daughter and younger mother that her mother is narc. This may be the feeling of the younger mother but the older mother may also have views that the younger mother would deny being the case.
Mothers of either the younger or older generation are not perfect and never will be. Perhaps your children or their partners will decide that you are a "bad lot" despite all your efforts.
It is just a sad situation from all points of view
SPF

People probably do label people too easily as 'narcissists', only the victims of narcissistic abusers know when they are dealing with someone who literally is not wired up the same as others. A psychologist 'diagnosed' my mother as a sociopath and I have been permanently emotionally damaged and struggle in life, I have no friends in the world, I trust nobody, im mentally caught up in not knowing or feeling what it's like to allow my thoughts to be their own or being wary because I actually feel loved by my husband and children which is unfamiliar territory to me. My children are well aware of what my parents are capable of and anyone that could even think that there actions and behaviour is normal or acceptable and I'm going to be the 'evil' mother who denied her kids the opportunity to be equally as messed up in the head by their 'grandma' because I'm petrified that my kids will think Im completely lying about my parents and will disown me.. er no. My kids are intelligent lads, they have learned that respect is earned and the title of mother/grandmother etc is also earned by behaviour and actions, not because you gave birth. Jeremy Kyle demonstrates that day after day and thats why some people can feel so hard done by.

Mothers give birth one way or another. Fathers who do not care about herds of children are apparently better than mothers who stay with the child/ren provide for the children. Father puts no effort or money into the childrens's welfare. Father not even heard of for 25 or 30 years. Then he appears on FB. He is so wonderful apparently. I was tired broke ill at times so not a lot of fun. I dont even find myself fun. Children given good education but work in a certain occupation to provide for the layabout non working partners. Only want to know me when I am called upon to provide some kind of service or cash.
It may mean nothing to them or any one else but I was there and I paid for all things but I can go weeks and weeks without a call or text.
Funny you should mention Jeremy Kyle. I am probably more what Mumsnet would describe as 'pearl clutching' and even a twinset wearer but my kids are definitely Jeremy Kyle style. They dont even speak like me.
I think instead of waiting here for the next emergency call I should move away and find something fun to do while I can still get about.
This is a short summary of how I got to this state of affairs
SPF

Sugarpufffairy - I'm sorry if I offend you with the Jeremy Kyle remark, it was by no means meant in a disrespecting or judgemental way, I merely used it as an example of how parents and their children can sometimes think of each other in adulthood. My eldest sons father walked out when he was a few months old then tried to explain that he hasn't been in his life for 15 years and never been in touch out of thoughtfulness and respect for him and didn't want him to hate him!. We all just muddle through and try our best. Don't beat yourself up too much, our kids have to take some responsibility for their actions and behaviour as young adults and it's all too easy to use us mothers as emotional punchbags!. Nobody is perfect

MummyBtothree. If am not at all offended by the Jeremy Kyle thing. You hit the nail right on the head. I just tried to do the best I could for my kids and it backfired. They are almost determined to shame me by being as ignorant as possible. They shout and swear at me in public and have even damaged me with their bad ways.
I have never had eldest over for Christmas nor been invitef to hers. She spends those days with her in laws every year
3 different in laws. I have seen her children for a few minutes at Christmas only twice in 18 years. The other I have seen twice on Christmas day in 8 years and was shouted at and threatened all day. I wont have anything to do with Christmas and my kids now. Too many years of waiting and hoping. I have other plans this year.
I think my kids are too harsh to the wrong people. I dont know why they work all hours to have the partner sit at home doing nothing. I am bad that I wont provide money to keep their lazy partners.
I think you have had a rough time with No 1's dad. I hope you have a happier time now.
I am glad to be able to talk this over with someone. Take care of you as well as your lovely kids.
SPF (sorry dont know how to send flowers).

Oh dear such sad posts, there are always two sides to each story but sometimes a family is so dysfunctional it's best to walk away. I think bitterness and holding on to grudges will colour your life and that of those close to you so the cycle is perpetuated. Try to move on and make a happier life for your own family.

Christinefrance My point exactly. I have waited. Put up with ad treatment always in the hope that it would all come right. I had good parents and grandparents I have to be happy and grateful for them. They are all gone now as is a certain other person who spent over 40 years in my life loving and supporting me. My kids are not like me or my relatives. I pity the DGC they dont yet have the option to walk away. I do so I will for my peace of mind and sanity. Sad but necessary.
SPF

my mother in law was poisonous to my youngest GD. She was lovely with both of them when they were tiny but when they developed their own interests she became more critical and less friendly. She took it into her head that my eldest GD was not as academic or good at sport as the youngest and started behaving appallingly to the youngest. It was such nonsense as both children represented GB in their own sport, both went to Uni and both are lovely adults. It was so bad and heartbreaking when youngest asked my 'why does Granny hate me'. On reflection I should have tackled it head on but I am such a non-confrontational person I did not. But this idea of grandparents or parents having obvious favourites and behaving abominably is not healthy. I quite understand if parents want to create a distance between children and grandparents when they behave like this.

How could anyone who knows your story think of you as as "nasty cold heartless mother and daughter" MummyBTothreeand I say that as a mother estranged from her youngest and adored son and only GC for 4 years.

There are always 2 sides to every story, unfortunately sometimes one of the 'sides' is a total fabrication, a vast web of lies and deceit to enable an abandoning adult child to seek to justify the unjustifiable. You have no need to justify your decision to move away from and cease contact with your mother. You are putting their needs first as any good parent seeks to do. You are not representative of the adult child who denies his/her own parents contact with their children out of spite.

SPF "I pity the DCG they don't yet have the option to walk away. I do so will for my peace of mind and sanity. Sad but necessary". We worry for our DGC too SPF; what chance do they have to become kind, loving and decent adults when they have the parents they do. We've walked away emotionally and physically; just 3.5 weeks ago moving into our new home after 28 years in the previous one, 30 years in the same village.

I'm the happiest I've been in more than 4 years so although initially making the decision was hard and sad, the result has been truly wonderful. I'm glad you've made plans for Christmas, keep on making plans for your future.

For everyone living with family estrangement, whether it's because you've no choice but to walk away or have had a loved one walk away from you for no reason, as hard as it often is to do, stay strong, concentrate on those that you love who love you in return.

The pain never goes away but for me, it's become more tolerable with time. I remember the 27 wonderful years we had with our son, he was as much a part of our lives as we were a part of his. The last 4 years have been the most painful and soul destroying episode in my life but they're behind me now. Our new home represents a new chapter in our lives, I hope the first of many, and I intend to make the most of every single one.

I hope that everyone living with estrangement finds peace and happiness, if not today then sometime in the very near future.

One of my DGC is of age to have their choices taken into account. The choice was not to see the parent who is my child. That is distressing me because the child and I have chosen to avoid my own child. I feel so sorry for my child but they cant see the whys of this. My child works all hours to keep the problem!
I do hope that when I find a new place to live I will feel as happy as you are.
SPF

MummyBto three.....without digging up a painful, and now boring, past I fully understand your wish to draw a line and protect your children.
Unfortunately children are hardwired to love their parents and its not easy to accept that one's own are just plain nasty people (took me 40 odd years).
Look to the future, be proud that you have broken the thread of emotional abuse and have taught your children how to be decent loving parents.

I hope so too SPF

My own mother was not the easiest of people as she had a huge chip on the shoulder - well more like a plank really! This clearly had a detrimental effect on her relationships with her family. I had to keep my distance a bit when I had children and can understand your dilemma - you have all my sympathy. As a mother you are doing what you see to be right for your children, as is your duty. I think you should ditch the guilt if you are certain that you have done the right thing. Concentrate on your DC and on bringing them up free from this influence.

It is, I am sure hard for your mother as she will find it hard to understand the reasons for this; but it is very clear where your duty lies.

I am sorry that you have this problem over-shadowing your life with your own little family. I would have thought that having 3 boys was quite enough on its own!!

Thank you for the kind words everybody, I feel for all of you too, whatever heartache you are going through. Its strange but it took me 33 years before I would let myself believe what id always been suffering. My MIL has witnessed my mother cruelly humiliating me at my mothers house at a party she'd invited us to. The room was quiet and she openly told everyone how she cried for three days solid when I was born because I wasn't the baby girl she had imagied. I had a very traumatic birth & had fluid and a swelling on the brain which went down but I looked like a 'hobgoblin' as she put it for a few weeks. She then admitted that she'd lied to someone when a photo of me as.a teenager fell out of her purse and got asked if it was her daughter. She told them no, and then laughed out loud to the whole room and said 'whoops, oh well, you know now!'. My MIL said SHE wanted to cry for me. Even though I have broken contact, they still try to get to me. My dad sent me a really nasty text informing me that I was the runt of the litter, lived like the dregs of society (compared to my brother who works for the bbc) and when he heard that I am pleading mental health problems he laughed out loud as he wasn't a bit surprised, just too weak to face life apparently! . Im doing ok I guess, I've got a lovely husband who is my rock and three beautiful boys. I concentrate on those who deseeve my love and respect. I've alot to be thankful for.

Sounds as though you are doing brilliantly against the odds. Concentrate on that.

If these were not your parents you would have nothing to do with them - you certainly would not choose them for your friends. So keep your distance and contact to a minimum.

Luckygirl - I think you have put in words what I am thinking without actually being able to put it in words. If a family member is not the type of person you would want as a friend it is very difficult to be in the company of that person. There is the family pull but those of us with difficulties have to be strong enough to walk away and stay away.
This is not what I would have chosen but for a quiet life I do not see any other options.
MummyBofthree I hope you and your lovely children will have a lovely Christmas.

Sugarpufffairy - thank you, and I hope you have a lovely Christmas too . I hope you all do on this thread. If only everyone was as nice on here. Such a shame when a certain few feel the need to make comments with little disregard to what people are going through.

I am sorry for what you have been through MummyB. There are some circumstances when walking away is the only thing to do. The difficulty when people post on forums about these issues is that ordinary, flawed human beings of any generation get put in the same category as deliberately cruel and abusive people. Its best not to conceptualise it as an inter-generational thing where either the parent or child is invariably right. The trouble with internet forums is that they can't capture the subtleties of every situation.
I have seen posts on some forums where parents are too easily dismissed as Narcissists who will never change but I have also seen posts that assume the estranging child is always the selfish one. Neither of these things is always the case.