Family, what does it mean to you?

As a DiL I left the sorting out of my MiLs Estate to my OH and his sister. By the time my DOM died everyone helped us out, we all worked together and our children and their partners were offered anything they could use, I'm not going to worry too much how my possessions are sorted out but have made sure there is a Will.

I've already given my jewellery to my daughter - it is after all made to enhance the beauty of a young woman. She also has many of the special family bits and pieces, such as gt gt grandmother's trousseau china, as I want it to go to someone who knows and appreciates the history. My DsIL are quite materialistic and not really acquainted with notions of sentiment - on my demise, they would simply throw old stuff out with no reference to my sons. I'm only in my 60s but with potential serious health issues, I want to be organised, and to ensure that stuff of family value is preserved for future generations.

After my FIL died (MIL had died a long time before) DH as executor of his will invited his brother and sister to go through the things in his granny flat attached to our house. Despite the fact I had been in the family for 35 years and had helped DH nurse him through cancer, I kept well out of the way. I felt that it wasn't my business.SIL did ask me to come and chose what I might like. I only took a little ceramic cow-creamer with a broken horn as I was particularly fond of it. It was all very amicable, except we were left with the horrendous job of clearing out the remainder.

When FIL knew he was dying, he tried to get me to take a lot of the things he valued but I didn't want to get into that. I find the 'vulture' situation after a death very distasteful! Every time I am involved with clearing someone's possessions after a death it just brings it more clearly into focus that we take nothing with us.....so what is the point!

I really don't see why DILs would expect to receive money on the death of their in-laws. The usual procedure is if a son or daughter has already their share is divided between their children. It doesn't even need to be stated in the will because it is part of the law applying to inheritence.
I was so disgusted when there was a general handout after my grandmothers funeral. A case of who want this or that? So my Mum put in her will about particular pieces of hers. In fact when we moved abroad they were given to the people specified then rather than taken with us. I also gave my children most of the photos of them as youngsters so they all had a fair share as it always seems as though one person either takes them or just throws them away.

When my birth mother died, I was adopted and found her and I was the eldest of seven, she did not have much but she made a will . She left a small gift to all her children, mentioning us all in order of birth. She left me all her photographs with instructions to my sisters to tell me about when they were taken. Having been brought up as an only child, those pictures ment more than any amount of money.

When my lovely dad died he simply left everything he had to split equally between my brother and I ...he had previously said to us when he sold the family home after our mum died that he would put the money aside for us, We both said NO ..you use it to enjoy it having worked all his life we felt he deserved it ! He bought a retirement flat and lots of new furniture and enjoyed his last years going out to lunch with friends, a few holidays and we were really delighted that he did ! When he eventually died and I sorted out the flat with my brother, we just took a few mementos as in I have a carved wooden sailor and a book of his drawings and his student engineering book and my brother has a watch of his plus some other bits and pieces. I put some money into a building society account for my daughter to go to Uni with,

When I die, hopefully I will have some warning I plan to sell my house go on a world cruise and get off at Dignitas ! hey ho ,,,,,this will be a surprise to my daughter who has not spoken to me for ten years ,,,,,the French authorities will be seeking payments of all the taxes !!!! IMBU !

It is so distasteful grubbing about for a dead person's valuables. I would hate to think my life had been reduced to that. I have done two house clearances after the death of elderly relatives and it so sad but at least it was not compounded by arguing family. There is something to be said for being an only child with no other relatives.

When we shared out my parents household goods etc. Only blood family members could state what they wanted. They put it in priority order and so every one got their first choice, then after that we went round hoping to suit everyone. Even then my sister went off to America with my brass tray!! Fortunately not my first choice which I had taken early to prevent it disappearing!! My SIL wanted 2 cloisonne vases which my brother put in for as his first choice so she had them. My other brother put in for some eastern foot stools as his wife had been brought up in Malaysia and she wanted them. a few years later, I had my mother to look after, so when she died both sisters were asking after her Kashmir table. I left them to sort that out, they did not enquire after her brass buckets so I still have them both. However by then I no longer felt that these family things mattered so much! We did take photos of everything as part of the sharing out by priority process and I haven't looked at these recently. Its been over 10 years since we left the family house. And the brass tray? Sister still has it by I bought another one in a local Bric a brac store and it suits me well.

Personally I hate this system of passing on "money" and wealth.
We worked so hard to bring up a 'combined' family, getting on with eachother. We would hate to think of them falling out after we've gone. But I supposed we won't know about it by then!
There won't be much to argue over anyway.

My aunt's husband, and therefore not a blood relative, was a very dear uncle to me and my sisters. When he died, only 8 days after my aunt, I organised their joint funeral; I and one of my sisters were executors, and equal beneficiaries in his will with his many nieces and nephews. I never thought of him as anything but family

My husband's family don't regard me as family and never have done. I am merely tolerated. Anyway, I don't want any of their stuff. What would I do with a broomstick and cauldron?! Hahah!

Nebbs you're not likely to share the same genetic inheritance as your DH.
My MiL left everything to her two children -my DH and his sister. It never even crossed my mind to expect to be included in her will.

The doctor ask me if anybody in the family had diabetes, I said yes my husband, he said he is not your family. I said well we have only been married for 42 years does that not count. I think he would be upset if he was not included in my family.

This is a tricky one, I am in a second marriage. My in laws have made it clear that my family are not part of their family, my children, all grown up with their own families have never tried to be a part of their family but feel a friendship would have been nice. One of my brothers in law tells me every time we see them that my children are not part of their family and my other sister in laws children likewise. After nearly eleven years of this I'm afraid the last time we went to stay I pointed out, calmly and politely that my children had had their grandparents (sadly none are still alive) and were not looking for substitutes or extra uncles/aunts. I also said that if I had to make a choice if something was on at the same time with both families I would be with my family. My husband said he'd stay at home otherwise he would offend one family or the other, my second brother in law would support his partner!!! There's no easy solution! Mother in law told me that she doesn't want their money coming to me/my family (same for husband's other brother) if either of them should die before me or sister in law. I just said you'll have to add something to your will and refused to get into an argument! Families!

We were talking about Lottery wins and I said if I won a large amount I would share it out among the family my side and my wife's family. My sister in law looked surprised and said "Oh would you, well I would not share any of my winnings with your family"
I thanked her for her reply and said " on second thoughts no I would keep the lot. Bugger them, my wife grandchildren and siblings are the only ones I would help out.
We have been together 48 years married 45.

I'm an only child, married to an only child and our DS is an only child too!
It's difficult at times, such as when I was looking after my seriously ill mum, and not having a sibling to share thoughts and feelings with.
However, it makes it problem free when it comes to sorting out estates, I was the executor of mum's will, and the sole beneficiary, and my DH is in the same situation with his dad.
My aunties, mum's younger sisters did both ask for a 'small' thing as a memento, one wanted a small crystal vase, which was no problem, but the other cheeky madam asked for mum's Tahitian pearl necklace which was a silver wedding present from my dad.....(and had been valued at £4350). Needless to say, she was told "no"!

My dear other half was the apple of his mother's eye and I was never going to be quite good enough for him. His mother and I had a somewhat abrasive relationship at first which calmed down over the years. When she passed away I found I had been mentioned in the will specifically as I had been left her jewellery and a lovely Art Deco teaset I had always admired. I was beyond touched, really, and I think it goes to show that goodwill is a vital quality in order for relationships and the world to flourish.

I am currently persuading my DD that, though her beloved boyfriend's mother can be a trifle old fashioned, she loves him and will come to value anyone who loves him and cares for him and who does not become resentful and apt to take offence.

My in laws have split their estate between their sons and the grandchildren. Should either son predecease them, the estate is then split two ways. So, after nearly 30 years of marriage the other daughter in law and I count for nothing. It confirms what I have always known, I was only needed to provide grandchildren and once I had done that I was surplus to requirements. Relations between me and them are non existent. Their loss!

Dee - what a lovely story and family, but you must be a lovely person too

How lovely, Dee.

My family have things very organised. We learned from our mistakes when my grandma died and some family members swooped in like vultures.

I'd have thought that after 40 years of marriage you would be allowed to have an opinion but as I found out inheritances bring out the vultures in some people.

My mam was so affected by how other family members acted that she's written in her will that apart from me being allowed to go in once to get her will out of the cupboard and set the heating to come on regularly her house will go into lock down. Everything in her house will be valued and only then will my sister and I be allowed to choose any items...the value of which will be counted as cash. Everything will then go to auction or house clearance and the house will be sold. This will stop any family member insisting that mam said he/she could have 'whatever' which they would. Mam has even prepayed for her funeral so no one can interfere in her wishes there either.

Hmmm....I think we may be a very dysfunctional family lol

They sound like good and kind people Dee. I am so pleased that they remain close to you and that you can support each other in your grief.

Families can be a blessing and a curse I think.I know of so many families split by rifts and bad feeling.

Am thinking I wouldn't want any of my in-laws picking over my possessions when I snuff it. This is despite the fact that they're all pleasant people etc.

When my MIL popped her clogs, I actually found it rather distasteful watching her 'family' go through everything. My husband asked for nothing! And got nothing! And I can say with all honesty it didn't bother either of us.

Apart from the old family photos ....
They would have been a nice keepsake ....

Absolutely. It says something about you too-in the words of the old song ' You made them love you'.

How kind of that family to think of you.

It made tears spring to my eyes, that people can be so generous and honouring of their brother, to want to do the right thing by his widow.

I am so glad for you.

DEE.......Thats SO lovely.