Family, what does it mean to you?

Catlover, as a wife I am not a member of husband's family. The number of years married has no tie to who is family.

My DM has left a list of small items which she wants to go to friends, there is only myself & my DD & everything is shared equally between us apart from some "sugar sifter spoons" which are DD's. I already have silver tray which I bought for my Parent's Silver Wedding & there is a Mabel Lucy Atwell baby bowl which we have all used which I have told DM I would like. There are some books & prints which hopefully I will get as they have a connection for me (Artist is Half-Brother to my 1st H & is a well known water colour artist - we always had a good relationship).

Everything else is to be sold, Charity or "dumped" as we wish & House is to be sold. So glad it's only the 2 of us to sort it out

My ILs are lovely, I'm treated like "real" family, I'm a "real" aunty not "aunty in law" to the kids cousins

But no way would I butt in to the divvying up of sentimental family things if anything happened to my PILs.

I'm with your OH's family on that. You can't go back in time and be brought up by their parents, you may be "full family" but you did only join the family as an adult.

My sister in law who despite my mums attempts was never close to her and though she lived 5 minutes walk away never popped in to see her even when she became frail and confused. when mum had to go into nursing care and the house needed to be sold she came round and helped herself to what little jewellery mum had, including her wedding g ring. I had Not touched anything as I assumed, wrongly, my brother and I would do this together. Have to say I was shocked when I asked about it, and After some debate I eventually got her jewellery back, but the other personal items she took were never returned.

DH and I have been married for 33 years (he's almost 10 years younger than me, and MIL (84) is like a big sister). He and I are both only children. I have 2 estranged daughters from previous marriage and a son who lived with MIL for some years as a kid. She (understandably) has left everything to DH, abut doesn't want any of her estate to go to my DDs, which is agreed, but DH is severely disabled and doesn't expect to make old bones, so I'm likely to inherit everything within the nezt few years. I'm a canny Scot and save far more than I spend, so anticipate that DS will get her house and quite a healthy inheritance, but still feel that any GC should get a share of what I have put aside from my estate. Of course you may not be officially "family", but DH should certainly keep you in the loop - you may be able to keep the peace in the event of any unpleasantness.

I think my DH and 2 SiL handled the sorting of their parents' estate appropriately. The 3 of them got together to divide up what was not specifically allocated in the wills. Neither I nor my 2 BiL participated. That is the way it should be.

However, in our family, a new issue has sprung up: stepchildren. My elder SiL died not long after her parents. All her estate went to her much older husband, a widower with grown up children who had never shown any affection or interest in their stepmother(She had MS).They, in turn, have inherited all of their father's estate( our elderly BiL)a huge chunk of which actually belonged to my SiL or had been inherited from her parents. The rest of our family thought this was wrong.

Our own eldest daughter has a stepdaughter of 16.. The girl lives with her mother. We have no relationship with her despite many attempts to develop one. We are now trying to see how, when we die, we can prevent our daughter's share of our estate to pass on to the stepdaughter( they have no children of their own). We would like it all to go to blood or adopted descendants , not to someone with whom we have never had a relationship.

Tricky...and families are nothing, if not complicated.

My disabled partner of many years and I, who lived at a distance from my original family home, were unable to help my brother move my very elderly mother on the day she had arranged to go into residential care, as my partner suddenly had to go into hospital.

It was a worrying time, so it was a while before I discovered that my sister in law had taken and sold many items of sentimental value( which it had been agreed by both my parents at a meeting involving all of us) should come to me.After my mother's death, I discovered she had also appropriated all her jewellery, which included items which had belonged to both my grandmothers, neither of whom she had known.As these were items mentioned in my mother's will,I was told by the solicitor that I could have been made this a matter for the police.

My sister in law never went out to work after she and my brother married, but expected him to provide a high standard of living, which he told me (on the quiet) was sometimes difficult.I was not going to add to his problems.What money remained after our mother's death was shared equally between the two of us- but I still regret the loss of items which reminded me of happy times in my childhood home and in the homes of my grandparents.The 'wealth' in this regard were my memories.These were not shared or valued by my sister in law.

It may not surprise you to know that I now have difficulty thinking of my sister in law as family!

Blood is thicker than water, so the saying goes.

Leave them to it.
They obviously have issues among themselves and are using you as a punchbag.

I wasn't included in the family hearse (46 years married, DHs siblings divorced, with new partners). I sat with the congregation whilst my DH and his sister and brother were in the front row. Would have liked to have been by his side. She'd left notes as to whom the furniture etc would be left but it obviously didn't mean as much to them as it did to MiL, nobody wanted it and most went to the charity shop.

When comes to inheritance, the DIL, are usually not included, no matter how long you've been married, you are not blood related and I presume that's what they mean and not that you don't belong to the family. Of course if you are mentioned in the Will, then you have every right to be in on the discussion.

My Dad died six years ago leaving everything to Mum and she passed away a year ago leaving everything to my brother and I, her two children. Both my brother and I have been married over forty years, but there was never any question of anything being left to either my husband, or my brothers wife. The expectation was that we would share our inheritance with our marital partners, which is what we have done, but the choice about whether to do that or not was left up to us. When we were clearing the house we asked our partners and our children if there was anything they wanted and my brother and I, now the owners, made the decision about who would have what. There was just one item which more than one person wanted and so we tossed a coin. We havent had any complaints.

I have been thinking about this subject and how I think my children would behave when I die. I think both my elder daughters would tell my DILs that it wasnt any of their business but my sons wouldn't say anything to my SILs. Perhaps women are more possessive.

I know the feeling. I learned many years ago of a rather nasty remark made about me from my husbands family.They never liked me and I will never know why.

When my MIL died my husband wanted me to be with him when he and his brother cleared the house of her personal effects and I was just there in the background. When it came to sorting through her jewelery box his brother asked me to choose an item to remember her by which was very thoughtful of him.

catlover123 how rude of them, but now you know where you stand. Next time they need you think carefully

they are not your blood so not family

I don't think this is about who gets what. We all know what happens when someone dies.

It's about the rude shock when you thought you were an accepted part of the larger family, and suddenly, you find out that you were always a foreign body!

Unfortunately, it often happens and it's rare for the inlaw to be accepted as one of the family. So take heart Catlover, and let them all pick the bones. It's not a reflection on you but on them.

I am very grateful to my in laws who have treated my children from first marriage as their own grandchildren. They have three other blood grandchildren. I don't have any children with their son as we were too old by then. As my in laws have grown older they have been rewarded for their kindness as my children now all grown up still travel over 100 miles several times each year to go to see them and help them out with any jobs that need doing. I don't know if they will be mentioned in their step grandparents will but I know they have given them years of love and I have always loved my in laws for treating my children so well.

The way I read cat lovers mail, she seemed to be offering an opinion. Not necessarily claiming something for herself. That's the way I read it anyway, and I prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt, and not pounce on her. Like some of the gransnetters on here, seem to be relishing. I'd like to know, if she was offering some suggestions, or claiming something.

I've just remembered that my mother who died last year at 97, had often asked us to say who wanted what (she had some nice pieces of furniture) because she didn't want any squabbles after she died!

We invariably told her that there would be no squabbling - luckily we all get on well - unlike in her own family, where there was often bad feeling and this one bitching or niggling about that one. We would tell her that her family was the Awful Warning - we were NEVER going to be like that!
And so far, thank goodness, we never have.

I don't think I would have thought of offering comments or opinions on who should have what after my dh's second parent died. I get on really well with his siblings and always have, but I'd have thought it was entirely up to them.
If I had offered an opinion I think they have been nice enough not to tell me I wasn't family, though! I don't think that was at all kind, not after 40 years.

On a related tack, when the mother of a SiL in a different branch of family died, there was a general invitation for 'family' to see which bits of her jewellery they might like to have.

On hearing this, apparently the wife of one of the woman's grandsons went and helped herself to just about the lot! My SiL and her siblings were incensed when they found out, and I'm glad to say the girl was made to give it all back.
In that case, 'family' did not include anyone by marriage, and quite right, IMO.

It's a really touchy area isn't it. People can change totally after someone has died, especially when there is a lot of £ and property left.

My beloved brother died suddenly in New York. His widow managed to avoid paying for a proper funeral by having him got rid of almost as rubbish.( you can do that there ) There was no funeral service, and she didn't tell my sister and I that there was going to be a Memorial service.

The effect on me of all this is still bad even though it was 24 years ago.

Bbbface how else would the OP describe the people involved so we understand what she's talking about? [confused ]

You yourself refer to them as your "husband's family".

Rather than "my family"