Division of labour?

Be gentle, we all had to learn once! Definitely lower your standards and be prepared to ask politely "could you do xyz please". If you do nothing but criticise and send him back to the shops with stuff you could be facing a sudden interest in some very messy and time consuming hobby that needs to be done on the dining table and then where will you be?

Behind every undomesticated partner, DH and son/s - I'd say there are mothers and wives who made them so...

I am always surprised when friends and family complain about retired DH's doing little around the house- when they have never done so for the past 40+ years. I worked full time ever since kids srated school- so we always shared chores- although I did all the decorating and gardening (bar hedges- and they were big!).

Simple, we still have a cleaner, she does everything including the silver and the beds. She is a treasure and we both value her enormously. My parents are in their 80's and they still have the same lady too, makes life easier all round.

we've always had what I (jokingly) call a 1950's household..I do the shopping,cooking ,cleaning ,look after the kids,buy the presents etc etc,My husband does the decorating,shampoos carpets,gardens and does DIY .Works very well for us and always has for nearly 43 years .We wont be changing when he retires ,I cant stand anyone under my feet in the house especially the kitchen .

I do all domestic duties as well as work. Nothing has changed and it's easier that way.

I'm still training DH to put fingernail parings in a bin rather than on the floor in the sitting-room! He doesn't clip them but tears them and absentmindedly (it better bloody had be absentminded anyhow!) drops them overboard (overboard as in armchair gunwales). They always seem to miss the carefully placed waste paper bin that is right there. Yesterday I found some under the bin when I picked it up to empty it. ? ? I collected them and placed them on a polite through gritted teeth note that I then placed on his laptop, which told him that the parings wanted to be put in a bin and that the person who does the cleaning doesn't think it's reasonable that she has to pick them off the rug.

When you know that what I really wanted to do is throw his favourite mugs at a stone wall and burn some of his books, you'll realise, as I just have, what a saint I am!!! ? ? Next time the saintliness might have evaporated. If there is a next time. I live in hope. Don't let anyone tell you I'm not patient!! Growl emoji.

He will help when I ask him, which is usually with tasks that require more physical strength than I have. I think it's partly that he just doesn't notice what needs doing, doesn't care enough if he does notice, or is simply away with the fairies most of the time. I mean that in a not unpleasant way: he's very cerebral and very impractical. I never can work out how much of it is a self-protecting act, how much of it is physical inertia, and how much is a kind of fear physical reality. He would get a world prize in procrastination, even with regard to things he does want to do. ?

I'm currently attending some sessions about teenager 'management'. Many of the strategies seem more applicable to him than to Minibags. The word Aspergers crosses my mind quite often. Hey ho.

I don't usually talk about stuff like this but suddenly having to deal with a backing up septic tank before xmas has tipped me over an edge, I think. Guy's coming to "assess" it today.

And breathe.

my husband is now in a care home,so I miss having someone to help me.He was always helpful when he had retired and I was still working.But I agree with people who have said that men don't notice what needs doing as much as women do.When my husband got older and more grumpy, he used to tell me off for doing things which"didn't need doing".I think this seems to be a common problem,men don't seem to realise how much their wives do at home.You both have to try to compromise and enjoy your time together.

Thatbags, I think I am married to your DH twin brother ? Was he brought up abroad? My DH was born in India, and they had people to do things. I learnt well by watching my parents, and also I am not the most patient of souls. DH will do a task if asked, but is not known to notice things. He is getting better, but at 75, it's taken a long time, bless him.

I have to admit that I know a chap who deliberately made a mess of jobs because he knew that his wife would give up asking him ! Play dirty if necessary lol

My x washed up on boxing day 1969 and that was it. No 2 had never been married and was use to looking after himself and this continued when we go together, why should I spoil his fun! Now both retired he does his ironing and other bits, knows how to sort washing, puts it on and even hangs it out. Been teaching him to cook and made him an idiots recipe book of his favourite meals. So I have now introduced "you cook it" Monday , where he has to plan, usually buy and cook a two course meal without any help from me. Lower your standards and turn a blind eye and start the division of labour. Training should really start with your sons, training them to be a domesticated grownup.

My husband has a slight touch of the OCD and is a wonderful cleaner. Just as well as I've always been a bit slutty when it comes to cleaning.
He's also taken over caring for the chickens lately (at my request.) When he first started he used to forget sometimes and leave them out all night, of forget to feed them, but he's better now.
I think men just aren't used to boring repetitive routine jobs that have to be done often.

there is a lesson here for the mothers of sons. My husband was brought up to cook and do chores. We have been together for 50 years and he has always done his share of cooking. like most men, he doesn't see mess and dirt which meant he never cleaned unless told to, but also never complained if I didn't clean. In retirement we have a cleaner. It saves a lot of time and a lot of arguments.

My hubby does all the cooking and enjoys shopping too. I feel at bit put out that he gets to do the chores he loves. I get to do everything else. Cleaning toilets and washing floors is no fun at all. Yesterday I was wrapping a huge amount of Christmas gifts. He wanted to go Christmas shopping. I said "why don't you go while I do this?" He wouldn't budge. I had to do the wrapping, then go shopping with him. This was after I'd been shopping myself that day.

To be honest, I think it's my DSs' OHs who have trained them. I can't remember teaching them to cook, though one did train as a chef and the other did GCSE food and nutrition which seemed to consist of 'designing' meals and cooking any number of pizzas.

Lynker

Give it time. It took my DH a few years after he retired (at 62) to become 'domesticated.' Now he always prepares breakfast and lunch, often cooks dinner always makes the tea/coffee. He's a dab hand at hoovering too! I never thought I'd see the day, but miracles do happen!

auntieflo, , no, MrBags was born and bred in Cardiff.

He did teach himself to cook, well.... to follow recipes to the letter because he said his mum was a rotten cook (except for Sunday roast dinner). Unfortunately he didn't teach himself to clean up afterwards. Is there a book about how to clear up after cooking a meal? I think he can only learn things out of books.

And only then if he wants to

I have the perfect arrangement: my husband and I have never lived together so we each do our own housework. I am better at DIY than him (I own every tool known to man and then some), so if he needs something fixing I drive 9 miles to his home with my tool kit. He comes over once or sometimes twice for supper (I love cooking), and I do all the cooking on holiday. He is good at ironing, sweeping round and generally tidying, which I consider a pain so that's what he does in our holiday home.

My other half is now pretty good at sharing the chores but during the (long) training process my stock phrase was "I wasn't born knowing how to....(insert task) ...I had to learn!" This is usually accompanied by an appropriate facial expression.

Hi Lynker, just read post about your husband ---- is it possible he is a bigamist and also married to me? sounds like him.

What I want to know is ...when I first met my second husband, who was a widowerm his villa in Spain was absolutely immaculate ..not a speck of dust or anything out of place, He cooked, he ironed, did his own washing, etc etc ....so why as soon as we married and I moved in did this suddenly become ALL my work ?? Didn't really mind, as in the heat the washind dried by 9.30 in the morning in the sun, the floors were washed and everything tidied up ....before it got too hot ! but now if he ever uses the kitchen (not that I want him too ...which is some of the reason I just had all the appliances replaced and he doesn't know how to use them, and at 84 is not want to learn !)..he used to use every pot, pan, dish plate and utensil in the place ,,and in the garage we have a cupboard full of bread makerm soup maker, smoothie maker, slow cooker (about the only thing I use) dry fat 'fryer' ...and five coffee machines ,,,,I despair ! Now he can no longer drive, fortunately he cannot go out buying more gadgets on his own !

Many years ago when my OH went part time because of his health, he took over lots of things in the house as I was out at work - he ironed, did the laundry, all the cleaning and gardening etc.

Since we are both now retired and he has become more ill he is dropping off some of the tasks - which is perfectly fair. But I can never do it to his exacting standards - I am very good at selective deafness (on top of the genuine!).

Lynker what would happen if you were hospitalised for a couple of weeks? Would he have had takeaways or visited the local fish and chip shop? Would you come back to total devastation? Difficult to know what to do.

HoHoHo .....
I do the housework ..... My OH enjoys the comfort!

He has one job .... To take the bins out. Even this is done weirdly! The bins are collected on Tuesdays .... Yet said bins disappear at 9am on the Monday when he gets home from the gym .... So I traipse up and down with assorted refuse!
Yes I have asked if they can be taken down late on a Monday evening.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Especially if they don't want to be taught and they are the youngest of five children whose mother persisted in asking him "do you need help" if I so much as asked the 'boy' to make a cup of tea!

I don't think this is deliberate laziness ..... We've all spoilt him!

Merry Christmas everyone

I thin women are trained though fulfilling their role to think ahead, to remember what is in the fridge and store cupboard etc. and so to notice what needs doing.

My husband does the garden, painting and decorating and if I ask him will check the oil and water in my car and the pressure in the tires.

He deals with the recycling.

I shop for food, he likes cooking curries so I concentrate on the slow cooker. He tends to use far too many pans when he cooks. I am glad we have a dish washer. He is not very good at stacking it or emptying it. I do the washing and he hangs it up and then when it is dry puts his own stuff away. I take the things that need it to the cleaners.

He gets his own breakfast. I always have muesli so that there is no discussion about having eggs, or beans etc.

Lunch he expects me to have an idea even though I did try to train him to get his own lunch out of the fridge. I am now thinking of making sandwiches after breakfast and plating them up.

Some thought for a new year resolution.

My dh had always cooked cleaned helped turn up clothes cut the grass. Then he retired and refused to move from his chair. A few years later diagnosed with dementia so I do all while he sits in chair still. I do so much more now being his carer as well as everything else. My three ds can all cook clean sew and did learn to knit.