Division of labour?

Be gentle, we all had to learn once! Definitely lower your standards and be prepared to ask politely "could you do xyz please". If you do nothing but criticise and send him back to the shops with stuff you could be facing a sudden interest in some very messy and time consuming hobby that needs to be done on the dining table and then where will you be?

My formerly very strong husband has been much weakened by radiotherapy et al. When he began to be stronger but realised he was never going to be 18 again, he offered to take over the shopping and cooking as he usually has the car and can read. I bought him Jamie O and taught myself to leave the kitchen so I didn't nag (or as I thought make helpful suggestions) Two years later all going well except I do have to praise the meal and hear how it was made all the way through the meal! I once ventured that I had an idea after 30 years of it.....but it sounded so unkind I've kept my mouth shut
Suggest Cookery book C-mas presents for undomesticated partners

I work part time and OH recently retired. I still do bulk of housework as he does not seem to notice mess, dust etc but he will Hoover and dust if I ask him to. He does more food shopping now, with list, and he will cook more especially on days I work. He has had to do stuff over the years though so not a sudden change just more time for him to help now.

I agree you should not do things just because he does not do things the way you like it. I think a lot of men are hopeless at noticing things (my son in law excepted who is a veritable domestic goddess). The more your OH does things the better he should get unless he is a complete idiot in which case why did you marry him?

When I was working we had a cleaner in once a week. My husband wasn't happy with having her in the house so said that he would do the vacuuming. He still does although every so often I do it thoroughly - round the edges and behind furniture.

We cook alternate nights and the one who hasn't cooked does the clearing up. He does all the ironing as he is better at it than I am.

This is our second marriage and I know now to be bad at things. It's not just men who can play that game!

My wife is disabled and is unable to stand unaided - so our division of labour is pretty simple. I do it, or it doesn't get done. I cook, wash up, clean, dust, hoover, and do all the shopping. I HATE gardening with a passion, so we pay someone to do the garden for us.

Laundry is a joint affair. She sorts stuff into piles (I still don't understand why the symbols on the clothes don't match the symbols on the washing machine), and then I take it from there. She does the ironing, sitting down.

Sharing is not just about "all my worldly goods". We have always shared the chores as much as possible too. This is what we signed up for.

I hope all your sons were brought up knowing how to cook, iron, sort the laundry, clean the bath after use etc etc etc.

Had a cleaner/ironer when at work though I did all the shopping,cooking and organising(still do)
I find it best if DH has specific tasks (he is hoovering around me as I type)If I want 'extras' done I have to be very specific.
I do honestly think some men lack the noticing gene and if my standards are much higher than his(they are) the onus is on me .
I clean thoroughly only about once every six weeks though,with surfaces wiped etc as and when in between .I'm naturally very neat so tidy up as I go along and have done a huge declutter ,and with only the two of us at home now, the house doesn't actually get that dirty .Having a new kitchen next year which will be as easy to clean as possible
I do wish DH would cook occasionally but he hates it .It's my only real grouse .

Gives the bathroom a thorough clean once a week

After years of reirement, he does his own washing and ironing (so it doesn't bother me if it's not perfect!), does his own breakfast and lunch (so he can pick what he likes & eat when it suits him!) He buys anything in the supermarket that he wants (pies, pasties, ovenchips, no vegetables ever unless you count baked beans & mushy peas!) I don't know why I ever bothered cooking healthy meals - I now discover he actually prefers what he grew up eating! I buy the boring household stuff and stock the fridge with fresh stuff that he carefully ignores!

I think its right to share household tasks when both of you are retired, but that should include the whole range. My husband mends things, does all the heavy work in the garden, washes cars, cleans out the gutters, cleans the windows i.e 'man' type jobs. I clean the house, do the washing and ironing, weeding in the garden and lighter jobs. We share the cooking and grocery shopping - he cooks at the weekend and I cook in the week, but there is a very strict rule that whoever is in the kitchen is in charge and the person who is not cooking that day keeps out of it. Cooking a meal together was the quickest route to an argument ever! Actually come to think of it sharing any job doesnt tend to work well, we both have our set ways of doing things and are both stubborn. Perhaps allocating jobs and then leaving each other to get on with it is the way forward?

My husband does the vacuuming and ironing straight forward stuff. Start with easy stuff lynker, and dish out lots of praise! ( just as you would with a child!!)
Good luck!?

I'm slowly learning not to criticise the quality and just admire the quantity. I do say, once a week, 'It's your turn to cook tonight' and praise the results. To be fair he's the gardener and I just admire the results so I guess it's more or less a fair division of labour.

I suppose I was lucky as DH & I shared "tasks" throughout our working life. I'm not particularly houseproud, rather be out in the garden when weather's nice. He always washed up (until we downsized & gained a dishwasher even then he "hand washed" anything which couldn't go in dishwasher), Bathroom was his job, same with cleaning Kitchen floor, cleaning windows & often hoovering round. Rest was down to me although we shared cooking & preparing meals. Washing & Ironing (infrequently) was my job but emptying washer & hanging out was shared.

I think it's important when you both work full time to share every-thing or it leads to resentment - makes Retirement easier

I'm with Daphne - so what if he buys what you don't need and has to take it back. That's on him and doubles his work . Unless he's a complete idiot he'll soon tire of that.

Needs telling how to mop the floor??? Really even our 2 year old knows how to do that. I think your husband has led a charmed life and now its time for you to stand back and let him sink or swim.

If he makes a mess...then he clears it up. If something is done so badly it needs doing again...that's on him.

Retirement cuts both ways ( well at least in this house and Grampy could cope happily on his own if he had to ...of course he would miss me endlessly !! )

Oh if only the real Delia was available. First dibs to me!

I must be very lucky as OH can do most things as well as I can sometimes better,he will pick up if anything left about and will empty washer if its ready to go out on line,he will do the cooking if I am late home from work I never have to hoover since he bought himself a new light stick-type hoover its his pride and joy I think this is because we used to share all the chores as and when needed when the family where home and we both worked full time.

The real Delia, jayanna??
Might get a bit crowded with "three of you in the marriage"!!
Or just the book?

Agree with Daphne. Chose 1 task at a time and train him thoroughly. Personally I'd buy him Delia for Xmas and say Monday, Wednesday and Thursday are yours.........

He has got you exceedingly well,trained Lynker!! Don't you recognise the strategy?

"Make such a hash of a task she will never ask you to do it again!"

My late father was a past master, poor Mum was forever saying "oh I'll do it!" And he would retreat to his armchair/newspaper/the TV, let off another chore.

You need to call his bluff and rethink your strategy.

Wise advice from Cornergran. The very first thing you have to do, is lower your standards a tad. Women are trained, whether rightly, or wrongly to notice and to do things more thoroughly, in most cases (I know, there are OCD gentlemen out there, but they do seem to be a rarity) Also, you have spent a lifetime doing these jobs, he is only just starting out. Remember your mother telling you to "insert task of choice" do that again, and do it properly!
You will probably always do the lion's share, but at least he seems willing to learn (unless of course, he is using the time tested trick of making a rubbish job of things so that you take the tasks back!) Give him tasks and let him do them, you can always go around and finish the job - don't criticise or he will give up - and slowly he should improve.
Good luck with your late in the day training sessions!!!

Could he do the ironing? Have you got a soup maker? My husband enjoys making soup for our lunch and there's not too much possibility of a lot of mess!

It's a bit like teaching children to tie shoelaces, lots of repetition until the method sinks in! Mr C retired first and began to do more, I kept quiet when it wasn't done using my method, what did it matter as long as it was done? We agreed there was a difference in the ability to notice things, he was more than happy to have a to do list. We have our own tasks now (he routinely cleans the bathroom, floors and windows, vegetables and washes up anything that needs it, makes loads of tea and coffee) sometimes we swap about, often share a task, I also don't forget that he does the DIY, sorts the car and lifts anything I can't. Try suggesting alternatives lynker, would you like to do A or B? You never know there may be a hidden talent. Hope it works out.

I was of a similar frame of mind after my X retired . He had never done any housework while he was working but I assumed (wrongly) that he would do his share after. He never did a thing except made a mess , leaving `stuff` everywhere ie newspapers , jumpers, shoes , used cups , apple cores ! . It drove me to distraction . I also got "What are we having for lunch" while he sat reading his newspaper . I felt as if I had been transported back to the 1950`s ! He is single and living in his own house now and he seems to manage to do his own housework OK so I assume it was my fault for letting him get away with it . Lynker maybe just make a list of what you would like him to do and start with easy things like ` tidy and vac the bedroom ` or it will begin to make you resentful x

Both retired we split housework I do it he watches

I would start the training at least thirty years before the retirement date!