Controlling DIL- how to protect DS

Helping DS is a real father, not a slacker.

I wonder what would be said if the OP was worried about her DD instead of a DS ? would we all make excuses, after all the poor DD has to go out to work and look after the baby/do the housework/ walk on egg shells whilst being bullied and controlled ?

Its different because MIL/DIL relationships are often, maybe usually, ones of mutual tolerance rather than active liking, while MIL/SIL relationships are generally easier.
How many families take Mat GPS on holiday with them but not PAT? Many I suspect.

I wonder what would be said if the OP was worried about her DD instead of a DS ? would we all make excuses, after all the poor DD has to go out to work and look after the baby/do the housework/ walk on egg shells whilst being bullied and controlled ?
There is another thread on this site about coercive control, of course everyone is sympathetic (rightly so) to the women involved, pity the same is cant be said for men.

Surely the point is,LOvey, isnt he having to do a bit too much assuming the DIL is currently on mat leave?

"He does SO much in the house, laundry, majority of cooking, care for baby, up at night etc as well as hold down a challenging job." Your point?

DiLs who don't share their DH? Is DS a pudding?

Leave it for DS to sort.

Morethan2's story is so important! It shows that we can't really know what's in our AC's minds or what the dynamics of their marriages are. I know it must be terribly hard to see DS criticized and micromanaged this way, aquafish. But, unless he says something, you really don't know how he feels about it. He might even find it a relief after his challenging job or think it means DIL is a really caring mother.

If he doesn't like the way she's treating him, I'm sure, after a while, he'll take it up with her. No matter how much it bothers you (and it would bother me, too), as others have indicated, it's not your place to fight this battle for him. Your getting in the middle would only make it worse, I promise you.

Glad things are looking up and that you plan to take the advice you got here. Hope you had a great Christmas and that things get even better in the New Year!

I'm sure some mothers do find it difficult to let go of their sons sarah just as there are some d.i.l.'s who find it difficult to share their husbands with their mothers and in extreme cases, impossible.

I had a DIL rather like that. Notice I said "had", as after almost 21 years they are divorced. She met an old boyfriend she knew when she was 16 and has now married him and my darling son is happy with a lovely new partner who supports him and with whom I don't always feel I'm walking on eggs when I speak to her.

Just a brief comment I entirely agree about doing nothing. I have a DIL who is very organised and controlling, but I realised recently that she has real problems coping when she makes a mistake. She has a job in which a mistake could be life-threatening and is very good at it, but I think she also tries to apply this to family life and that is so hard. Maybe your DIL has a similar problem and maybe your DS knows her better than you and cares about this. Take time and wait, you may find there is much more going on than seems obvious at first and all the organising is because she is a bit scared of disorder and the unexpected.

When baby number 2 comes along , God willing, it will change. Trust me - it happened to a DIL I love xx

Aquafish - I empathise entirely and have exact same circumstances this year - You may even have read my posts on this forum - I became quite depressed about it all. Seeing DS criticised in front of you is so very hard to take - it's like a double whammy you feel hurt because it's like being criticised yourself and feel hurt on his behalf too - used to make my stomach churn.
I concur with everyone else's advice you just need to keep quiet and let it ride. So very hard I know.
From your replies it sounds as if things are settling a bit for you - I'm so pleased, a big relief for you. My DiL has been a complete dragon this year - to everyone - but has now changed back into the lovely young lady she was, and all the instruction giving has disappeared...phew!

Enjoy your Christmas with your lovely family, and I wish you all a happy family life in 2017.

Thanks for yet more constructive & thoughtful comments from this great forum. I must admit to feeling a lot more secure now, confident in how to be a supportive mum & MIL & show them both im behind them all the way. Nice warm feeling to start the festive weekend with- thanks a lot! Happy Christmas everyone!

Aquafish perhaps she is worried she is not meeting some kind of standard you are setting. I know you may well not be doing that, but people's perceptions of other people's behaviour and interpretation of anything they say can be very counter-intuitive.

The fact that she responded so well to your offer of cake and mince pies sounds hopeful. Why not go out of the way to say nice things to her, say how well she is looking after her baby and give her little gifts and treats that you know please her; a bunch of flowers, a magazine. Perhaps supporting her and thinking the best of her will make life easier all round.

Don't say anything enjoy your Boxing Day with them and if all well say what good parents they have made .

Is it just me and my opinion or do mothers with sons find it more difficult to 'let go' than mothers with daughters.?
Speaking from experience of my mum in law.

Lots of great advice do I won't give mine it's the same as everyone else's.i just want to share this conversation I had with my own son many years ago. I said "well she's very high maintenance and demanding" his reply " that's why I love her so much" I have my ups and downs with this particular DiL but I like her and I think it's because I too admire her strong personality, she's got guts and gumption. Some men like that in a women, they'll never be bored. . I think strong women make good marriages. Have a lovely Christmas it sounds as if she likes you.

I agree with the others.Best to say nout,if your son was unhappy he would bail out.Things should work out and pnd could be the problem.

Your DIL shouldn't have to be grateful if your DS does his bit because they are both adults and should be both doing their bit without either of them having to be grateful for the other. Personally, I would have a word with your son and see if he is happy, otherwise I would leave well alone.

Nonnie

Totally agree with you yet again!!

Most new Mothers want to 'do it my way' like it says in the latest book on childcare. It always amazes me that new Mothers would rather listen to advice from their equally new Mother friends than take advice from Grandma. Strange as Grandma has seen and done it all so should be a valuable source of information.

This old saying is so true---
A daughter is a daughter all her life
A sons a son until he gets a wife

Enjoy Christmas and all the times in the future

aquafish your son sounds like my eldest son, and my Dad, (who he takes after). Families find their own balance, hopefully.

"add fuel"