stepson issues

Leave him sort his own life.

Your stepson is an adult and makes his own choices even against advice. The only thing you can do is to be there for him and help when you can. You must have told him how you feel so now he has to do what he thinks is right. We can't always understand how the emotions of others work as we are a step removed.
I understand how sad and frustrated you are with the situation but it's his decision.

Sadly you can't advice a 33 year old and expect them to listen He's an adult and needs to work it out for himself all you can do is be there for him when it all goes pear shaped again There is no way you can set rules for him about how when or why he can see her. They re not children and you have to let them sort it out themselves whichever way they see fit

Thanks - yes you are all right, he needs to work it out for himself. It is so frustrating - he is the kindest of people, just not at all perceptive of other's shortcomings I suppose. I think he is doomed to lead a troubled life to be honest, we will just have to keep picking up the pieces......... this isn't the first time!!

Is he going to the support groups that AA run for partners and relatives? They will help him to survive if he decides to continue in this relationship. And to make decisions about his future.

good suggestion Jayanna9040 - I will mention it to him - he needs to hear sound advice from independent sources rather than us I think

There is not much you can do except to sit back and wait for the next disaster . Just be prepared for him to turn up on your doorstep ! I have some experience of this situation , the very same scenario in fact - older lady alcoholic , children removed, abusive and violent when drunk . I don`t really know why these young men stay but I wonder if some people are just attracted to chaos ! The famanon website has some good support for families /partners / children of these unfortunate people but it is lovely that you are there for your stepson - he will need you xx

How refreshing to get a poster asking for advice and being prepared to take it with an open heart Sounds a lovely lady just be there for him that's all you can do Good luck

Presumably he is totally demoralised as an abused wife would be? No-one expects men to be abused but a wife/female partner would be 'so in thrall' to the abuser that she would keep going back. The same is true of abused men.

All you can do, as other posters have said, is be there and hope he sees what is happening soon. Hard for you though!

I would suggest he goes to AL-ANON which is a support group for families and friends of alcoholics . Phone 020 7403 0888 10am to 10 pm there is also a web site www. AL-ANON.org. he will get a great deal of help from them

Thank you all so much - it really helps to get opinions from others, especially when they are all so constructive. I hope you all have a wonderful 2017

Does he think he can help her?
Is he lonely?

Ankers, he's in a relationship with her...

What difference does that make?

Plenty of people are in relationships and lonely.

Plenty of people in relationships are trying to "rescue" their partner.

What would you advise the OP to do then, Ankers?

Depends what the OP says.

Where has the op gone !

Maybe she got the advice she needed.

OP, if you're still reading, just want to add that "being there" for SS does not mean "picking up the pieces." You can let him come and stay with you, of course, but you don't have to try to rebuild his confidence and so on if he just keeps going back for more. You can listen to his tale of woe and be sympathetic, but it's not your or DH's responsibility to try to solve the problem He won't listen, anyway, as you know. You might want to ask him not to tell you too much as it will just make it harder for you if he goes back to her again. The AlAnon suggestion is great, and if he needs to talk at length to someone, let him know that's where to do it.

Be prepared - he might be back & forth with her a few times before he's had enough! But, as people have said, he has to sort it out for himself. Good luck to him!

He cares for her and sees something you don't comprehend.