Gransnet forums


stepson issues

(21 Posts)
Chattybarbara Wed 04-Jan-17 16:35:41

my stepson has moved in with us for a few weeks until he finds his own place, after leaving his violent and abusive alcoholic fiancee, having had enough of her behaviour. We have been so supportive, and done everything we can to help him sort himself out. She is not even allowed to be alone with her three children apparently, so why he got together with her is a complete mystery, though she is quite nice when sober (we met her twice after their 8 week romance, each time she was only drinking tea, we had no idea what she had to hide). We have advised him to stay away from her, but if she went to AA (again) and this time it worked, and she could prove to herself as well as him that she was going to stop drinking, then maybe there was a chance that she was turning her life around and then he could envisage seeing her again (she is 15 years older than him, he is 33), but not for a few months at the least. The abuse that he took was awful, how he put up with it at all is beyond my comprehension. He has now gone back to her for a few days............. how supportive should we be? I am at a loss to know what to do, he has ignored everything we have advised - even he admits he is being stupid, but he 'cares' for her............ She is beyond helping in our view, her parents have given up on her after many years of support and caring for her children, her friends are fed up with her and she has none now, the social services despair of her - he is ruining his life......... so sad for my DH as he is his only son. Any ideas?

Lovey Wed 04-Jan-17 16:40:13

Leave him sort his own life.

Christinefrance Wed 04-Jan-17 16:47:01

Your stepson is an adult and makes his own choices even against advice. The only thing you can do is to be there for him and help when you can. You must have told him how you feel so now he has to do what he thinks is right. We can't always understand how the emotions of others work as we are a step removed.
I understand how sad and frustrated you are with the situation but it's his decision.

BlueBelle Wed 04-Jan-17 16:48:48

Sadly you can't advice a 33 year old and expect them to listen He's an adult and needs to work it out for himself all you can do is be there for him when it all goes pear shaped again There is no way you can set rules for him about how when or why he can see her. They re not children and you have to let them sort it out themselves whichever way they see fit

Chattybarbara Wed 04-Jan-17 17:27:23

Thanks - yes you are all right, he needs to work it out for himself. It is so frustrating - he is the kindest of people, just not at all perceptive of other's shortcomings I suppose. I think he is doomed to lead a troubled life to be honest, we will just have to keep picking up the pieces......... this isn't the first time!!

Jayanna9040 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:12:13

Is he going to the support groups that AA run for partners and relatives? They will help him to survive if he decides to continue in this relationship. And to make decisions about his future.

Chattybarbara Wed 04-Jan-17 18:21:30

good suggestion Jayanna9040 - I will mention it to him - he needs to hear sound advice from independent sources rather than us I think

f77ms Wed 04-Jan-17 19:12:30

There is not much you can do except to sit back and wait for the next disaster . Just be prepared for him to turn up on your doorstep ! I have some experience of this situation , the very same scenario in fact - older lady alcoholic , children removed, abusive and violent when drunk . I don`t really know why these young men stay but I wonder if some people are just attracted to chaos ! The famanon website has some good support for families /partners / children of these unfortunate people but it is lovely that you are there for your stepson - he will need you xx

BlueBelle Wed 04-Jan-17 19:16:27

How refreshing to get a poster asking for advice and being prepared to take it with an open heart Sounds a lovely lady just be there for him that's all you can do Good luck

kittylester Wed 04-Jan-17 19:42:38

Presumably he is totally demoralised as an abused wife would be? No-one expects men to be abused but a wife/female partner would be 'so in thrall' to the abuser that she would keep going back. The same is true of abused men.

All you can do, as other posters have said, is be there and hope he sees what is happening soon. Hard for you though!

Chrishappy Wed 04-Jan-17 19:48:22

I would suggest he goes to AL-ANON which is a support group for families and friends of alcoholics . Phone 020 7403 0888 10am to 10 pm there is also a web site www. he will get a great deal of help from them

Chattybarbara Wed 04-Jan-17 19:55:39

Thank you all so much - it really helps to get opinions from others, especially when they are all so constructive. I hope you all have a wonderful 2017 smile

Ankers Wed 04-Jan-17 20:22:12

Does he think he can help her?
Is he lonely?

Ana Wed 04-Jan-17 20:24:19

Ankers, he's in a relationship with her...hmm

Ankers Wed 04-Jan-17 20:26:54

What difference does that make?

Plenty of people are in relationships and lonely.

Plenty of people in relationships are trying to "rescue" their partner.

Ana Wed 04-Jan-17 20:30:05

What would you advise the OP to do then, Ankers?

Ankers Wed 04-Jan-17 20:41:48

Depends what the OP says.

f77ms Thu 05-Jan-17 09:25:51

Where has the op gone !

Wendysue Fri 06-Jan-17 09:06:02

Maybe she got the advice she needed.

OP, if you're still reading, just want to add that "being there" for SS does not mean "picking up the pieces." You can let him come and stay with you, of course, but you don't have to try to rebuild his confidence and so on if he just keeps going back for more. You can listen to his tale of woe and be sympathetic, but it's not your or DH's responsibility to try to solve the problem He won't listen, anyway, as you know. You might want to ask him not to tell you too much as it will just make it harder for you if he goes back to her again. The AlAnon suggestion is great, and if he needs to talk at length to someone, let him know that's where to do it.

Starlady Sat 07-Jan-17 06:26:43

Be prepared - he might be back & forth with her a few times before he's had enough! But, as people have said, he has to sort it out for himself. Good luck to him!

Lovey Sun 08-Jan-17 14:46:09

He cares for her and sees something you don't comprehend.