How do I keep my nose out?

No, thank goodness, but from past experience of my son's divorce some years ago, all I can advise is to definitely keep your nose out of things, be supportive BUT neutral - otherwise, things may well come back to bite you. Don't get drawn into taking sides however much you may punch your pillow (or DH) in private! Good luck, it's not going to be easy.

Thanks Badenkate

Exactly what Badenkate says, and good luck. Been there twice and, after very difficult times, things are now good! Use GN to chunter if it helps - I think it does!

Have had similar with both my daughters the elder one lived with us for two years after her long term relationship(25yrs) broke up. She set rules right from the start she paid us board per month she set the amount and insisted we do nothing for her as in cooking, shopping etc. It worked out fine but she and we were glad when she finally got together with her son and girlfriend to rent a flat. My OH, the girls step dad was terrific and welcomed her with open arms he's helped me so much in dealing with all that's gone on.
My other daughter had various relationships that went sour and sometimes I trod on eggshells but I did make my feelings clear too without causing ill feeling.

Thanks kittylester and tanith. It doesn't matter how old they are, does it? xx

My eldest daughter moved home (long story) with her 4 children a few months ago, mentally she was not in a good state. After a difficult couple of months she decided she wasn't getting back with her husband. Told her she could stay as long as she needed, she has improved over the months and definitely stronger now, talking about doing a college course and getting a house, she works part-time in the evenings so I sometimes look after the children. It is difficult not interfering at times and I sometimes have to bite my tongue and punched the pillow on numerous occasions(my DH died 9years ago) so no-one to offload to, but now I can see the daughter of old returning and feel I have done the right thing. It will be difficult, emotionally draining but I'm sure you'll find the strength you need

keeping your nose out will be diffiicult if you're like me,I'd walk over hot coals for my kids and when my daughters marriage broke down I could happily have throttled her ex for the misery he caused BUT I behaved and said nothing ,when she met a new man a few short months later I was very worried that it was on the rebound and when she said they were moving in together I told her I thought she should take it much more slowly .....Big mistake !! She decided that I was no longer needed to care for her two children who I had watched every day from they were a few weeks old ,the youngest was then 3 ,it broke my heart but it taught me that biting my tongue was the way to go in future.She has been happily married to the "new" man for almost 5 years and has a daughter with him ...so I was wrong .When my son's relationship split I said nothing ,just went on standby to look after HIS child and we have ever since .He has now met someone else,after being very cautious and they have very recently moved in together ,I'm hopeful this will last .They'll always be our kids and we'll always worry though regardless of how old they are

New member here. A suggestion - every time you want to step in, stop and ask yourself, "Would I say anything if it were a neighbor?" No? Then don't do it with your DDs.

Don't, just don't, is my advice.

Find a friend to confide in or write your excellent advice on a piece of paper and burn it.

Support is fine but situations change and when listening to one side of the story and being partisan anyway, we can see events through a lens...........

Support and wait and see.

All I can say is be careful. One word out of place and you will be the villain. It is very difficult I know. I have had two nieces split up with their controlling husbands, thank goodness they did because the men were vile to them, two children involved though so the going has been very, very tough for both of them.

Be there when they need support. Do not make things worse by antagonising the ex-partner, sometimes these things come back to haunt you.

My two nieces had to go to court to get financial support for their children and one even had to get an order to stop the father saying bad things about her to the little confused son, who came back and was very aggressive and rude to the mother. The father was using him to get back at the mother for leaving him and the courts took a dim view of that.

It isn't easy, I wish you all luck. So sad when marriages break down especially when children are involved.

My long relationship ended a year ago & although I didn't have to move back to live with my mum, her position was always clear, that she was on my side and will always support me, but she didn't interfere. In fact no one interfered, which, to this day, I'm so glad about and impressed by. I'd imagined all sorts of criticisms would he thrown at my xP, but no, that didn't happen, well, maybe the odd one, and I'm really glad that I didn't have to deal with that, as well as my fragile emotional state.

We are so glad that our mums are here to help and just to love us. We know that we can be hard work at times, but we would be lost without you. Even my xP's parents have supported me, (I've known them forever), and I would still be struggling through without them.

Keep neutral all the way.
It was very hard when DS split with wife but 5 years on everyone gets on very well - we see the children whenever we want & do most of childcare that is needed & even they are fine together now & have 'family days out' for the children despite the fact they will never live together again & both have 'moved on'.
Mediation was an absolute Godsend & made them realise that the most important people in it all are the children.I cannot praise it enough.

Been there Carol, done that interfering with the best of intentions and learned the hard way! DD used to use me as a go-between. Bad mistake! Deep breaths and bite your tongue. It isn't easy and, I agree, very emotionally draining. Find yourself a little bit of space from time to time and give yourself a break from the stress.

GN can usually be a good place to retreat to for support from those who understand your situation.

My DD1 recently split with her partner a couple of months ago. All going amicably until he lost the plot & tried kicking the door in. Her & my two lovely GSs came to stay over the Christmas/New Year period. The police etc are involved now, door locks changed etc so she felt safe to return.

I've not said anything about him. I've supported her & my GC & always will. Best route to go down is to love, help & be a rock for your broken 'child' until they become strong again. Not easy but rewarding.

Book yourself lots of long weekends away, you will need to recharge your lip buttoning batteries often! Good luck

Never interfere or give unasked for advice. If asked, turn the question around "what would you like to happen/ how do you feel about it/ what advice would you give to someone in your position?" usually works well.

Speaking as the family scapegoat who is turned on when things totally unrelated to me go wrong, I'd just like to warn you that you might well be used as the recipient of ire if the true deserver of opprobrium is not available to lash out at.

You will need to walk on eggshells and be tact personified.

Why is it that some people are capable of reason and of giving others credit for their good intentions and others behave like two year olds in their touchiness? Is it to do with levels of intelligence which, in turn, affect empathy perhaps?

Good advice all round - I like your suggestion, Star. I'll add another and that is to try to focus on other things: can you find and develop some hobbies and interests that really engross you? Just so that you can take a step back. GOOD LUCK.

Thank you Disgruntled. I like your suggestion, too.

Carol, I'll add that biting your tongue isn't just out of respect for the others, it's also for your own protection. Speak about DD's ex and she could hold that against you if she ever gets back together with him. And that's just one example. Even if you overhear your DDs discussing their exes, please resist the temptation to join in. Been there, done that and I know it can backfire (should have taken my own advice, I know).

Keep your tuppenceworth quietly potted up. Be as neutral as possible and say nothing that could come back and bite you after they mend their difficulties.

Just don't put it in!