Need to get this off my chest!

linj53
I doubt if the OP will see your post. It was last January.

I am new to this site,joined a while ago but never posted anything or looked at site. I understand completely, I have had terrible 4 1/2 yrs husband passed away,daughter not speaking to me, not allowed to see grandaughter now turned 1.
But I am through it all and can now see the way I dealt with everything, so wrongly. I pushed my daughter further away, not realising at the time.
I now realise where I went wrong and the things that I said and did wrong. I can wait now and hope that she will talk to me one day and that I will see my gd.

I think that you handled the day very well, but I just wanted to say, although you do seem a very level headed and lovely person, not like I was, that maybe you could tell your soon (text Mes) you love him and that if he needs you, you will always be the there for him.
Sorry, but I would not want anyone to repeat my mistakes.
I am now in a great place and feel very positive.

Well, the question now seems to be, does dil regularly drink a lot or was this just because of the holiday? If it's an ongoing problem, ds needs to take action. Otherwise, no big deal.

They've possibly not had a proper drink since your grandchild was born, and maybe just had a bit too much on that day.
All you can do is keep an eye (very discreetly) and hopefully it'll be clear it was just a "blip"

You weren't stating it as opinion Nana, you were stating it as a legal fact, and you were wrong, that's not a matter of opinion.

(p.s. I didn't misunderstand you, you were just wrong. If you can't drive a car due to some alcohol but can safely access emergency help / care for a child if needed by other means (taxi, neighbour etc), no legal offense has occured there.

Notanan: you have misunderstood my point. Driving whilst under the influence is an offence under any circumstances not being unable to drive per se. In any case I was speaking generally and not specifically about the original scenario. I consider it rather rude to describe a comment as 'rubbish'. We are all entitled to an opinion whether or not you agree with it. Much nicer to just say 'I disagree' don't you think?

ps. About the alcohol. Surely you are allowed a drink or two over the Christmas Day aren't you? Unless it is a regular thing for your dil to have one too many I wouldn't worry. GD was gurgling on the sofa didn't you say? If she was clean and well fed and happy I would not worry.

Sounds to me like they had had a disagreement before you arrived. You can always tell. There is a distinct atmosphere which is hard to miss. Being extra polite, or worse snapping at each other is one sign.

I would hazard a guess that they were going through a difficult time. Maybe that is sorted, maybe not yet, but it does look as though they are trying if they went ahead and bought the house.

Like your son says, he needs a bit of thinking/me time. Nothing to do with you or how they feel about you, just something they have to sort out between themselves

On the positive side you will get to see more of your GD so why not celebrate that and make the most of it

We had bad news over Christmas too. My nephew and his wife have split. For the second time, which will probably end in divorce now. Count your blessings.

being unable to drive (it's no excuse in law that you needed to get to a hospital)

That is complete rubbish.
Being unable to call a taxi if the child needs out of hours doctor - yes
Being unable to drive? err no. Not every parent has a car or a licence and they are not breaking the law.

Hang on a minute now, the childs father was there too, and unless he was unable to respond to an emergency or the needs of the child, the mother was not in any way neglecting or putting the child at risk by being drunk on that one day.

If she was drunk on a tuesday afternoon when she was alone with the baby.. that would be a major concern.

We should all be vigilant about young children where alcohol is involved. To be drunk in charge of a child can be viewed at worst as a criminal offence and at the least as negligence if someone has had so much to drink they are not totally capable of caring for a child. Being unable to respond to any emergency, being unable to drive (it's no excuse in law that you needed to get to a hospital), being unsteady when carrying a baby and possibly falling over - or worse - downstairs. I had to have very stern words with my daughter and her husband who were completely incapable after a night out. I was told to butt out but I threatened no babysitting ever unless I stayed overnight or had the baby at my house if they were going out drinking. Having a baby means growing up!

I am worried about the alcohol situation, especially with a baby
It was christmas day, with the pressure of both mothers there and a new baby and a row and a possible move…. (.. and breath!)

I'ld hardly say you caught her on a typical day, it's a massive leap to now be "worried about the alcohol situation.

I can see why your son is brushing you off, why don't you want to help unless he dishes the "dirt" on his marriage? - now you actually sound nice and I don't think that's what you're trying to do, but that is what your actions are saying.

Moving house is one of the most stressful events in life. Having a baby is another. Hosting Christmas for a large number on top of all that - it must all have been too much for them. A cheerful baby is a good sign though!

We all go through tough times. Re the increased contact recently, give him the benefit of the doubt for now and give him a hug when you see him. He will talk if he wants to, and more easily if you just give him the space.

I agree with so much advice on here, do try to just be quietly in the background & babysit when you can. Let them sort their own problems out. I don't think new Mums always realise what a struggle it is doing Christmas for the Family with the addition of a new baby.

I was lucky that I hosted Christmas for first two years after eldest DGS was born relieving the stress on my S-D & SiL. Her DM & S-F also stayed Christmas Day with them to help out

Alcohol doesn't really help (been there....)

Some of whats been going on is surely down to very new gd being short of sleep may have thrown up problems they didn't know they had and married life may not be back on track. Have gd as much as you can and make the most of it it soon passes! Hopefully if a new home is on the cards things will settle down. Christmas just fell at the wrong time.

Maybe the sort of problems they were experiencing were the sort you just don't want to tell your Mother. If GD is only 6 months old, she might be reluctant in the marital bed and he feels less wanted...it's a common problem with a new baby (it is early days still) and there's no way he would want to discuss those sort of issues with his Mum!

My son has distanced himself from me more now he has a son of his own. He really feels a loyalty to his family rather than to me and, whilst painful for me, is as it should be. I have to say the path of being a Mum and Grandmother appears to fraught with problems I had never considered but when it is going right, it is the most blessed one too.

Christmas is tricky and the first with the new baby. If they tend to drink anyways, then argue, that is unfortunate but they have to resolve these problems.

Is DIL going to be a stay at home mum or is she working or planning to go back to work?

Our previous Christmas was a bit cathartic for son and DIL as the New Year was to bring a lot of changes when DIL was to return to work and she worried about child-care and missing DGD. They argued a LOT. Son liked to meet his work-force for a beer after work (he's got a construction/building company). That annoyed DIL and in the end he saw that she was working, then collecting DGD from nursery, coming home, setting up dinner, bathing baby. He was coming in all merry and bright and BOOM! She let him have it, and he realised that they could not carry on with their two-some lifestyle before having the baby.

So maybe they are trying to reorganise their lives now that the baby is 6 months and needs more attention, whether from home or nursery care. They know the child comes first, but how to sort things in a mature way, but also that they don't get overwhelmed? It's a huge transition!

They had a row, so many people do at Christmas and if drink is involved they find it harder to mask things. Christmas is a bugger if you ask me !!!!

That is all normal. Don't ask questions, people often don't know what is going on when they are in the thick of things. I have learnt to say 'what can I do to help' and just do it.

Oh dear Lizzy53
It is awful when things like this blow up, especially over the festive season. And when you already feel exhausted! We had a similar situation over the holidays and my grown-up daughter has now returned home (thankfully, no grandchildren involved).
Just continue to be as supportive as you can be, but make sure you take some time to yourself - even if it's just a tiny bit of time to relax each day. You need to look after yourself so you can look after them in the future if they come to you asking for help.
Best of luck with it all and rest assured you're not alone

Lizzy53 you sound like a lovely open caring person. I felt your response to comments was fabulous.
My thoughts were that they had a very recent falling out and had tried to pull it all together for the planned Christmas meal. It may even have been over something trivial such as cooking the meal! You know how these things can escalate?? Whatever happened, it seems to have been sorted.
I wouldn't expect details or confidences from your son now. That would be disloyal to his wife? Or maybe he was the culprit? Maybe try to forget it, be as supportive as you can without any actual prying or interference.
I'm sure they both value such a caring gran.

Oh Lizzie 53..I feel for you, couldn't imagine being made to feel like that by beloved son or daughter or dil..etc...
You are absolutely entitled to have cried all the way home...& felt so miserable...But perhaps it's time to just tick along with things..a still tongue is a wise head as the saying goes....& maybe be a bit kinder to yourself...go out for afternoon tea with a friend....be a little more selfish perhaps & look after yourself a little...it's not in our nature to do so...we always put others first......but just occasionally...we should all be a little kinder to ourselves...if only a fraction of the kindness we may show to everyone else!..xx

I understand your concern, but your boy will sort himself out, its hard letting go, and when you think of yourself as caring and trying to 'be there' others make you feel like you're smothering them, its hard, but as long as they know they can count on you (for support) they will be fine! x

These days I let my daughter and granddaughter come to me when they have a problem, otherwise I am 'interrogating' and I now see that they are old enough and ugly enough to sort their own problems out! I had a Christmas like this one once many moons ago when my daughter and her new husband and my first grandaughter had just moved into their first house, They invited everyone round for Christmas and we were all so excited, but when we got there (we being myself, husband, son, and dil and their two children and also two of my daughters close friends) the atmosphere was so strained and awful. The paranoid part of me back then thought it must be because I had done something wrong, and for two hours it was almost painful, the telly was off, the silence deafening, so in the end, I stood up and said "Right you miserable buggers, lets get the games out, couple o' three drinkies and nibbles are over here, I have no idea why we're so quiet on the most fun day of the year, but we're bloody well going to enjoy it!"
we actually went on to have a good day, but my girl was very quiet...
I later found out that daughters husband had been cheating on her, and rather than spoil our Christmas, she wanted it to carry on as normal until the New Year, whereby she then threw him out!
I felt like a bit of an arse after that!
Oh, and I GOT SIL's bit on the side sacked as she was a nurse and sil was a paramedic! Not allowed back then! Ahhh Karma!

It sounds as though they were having a tiff - bad timing for everyone! Maybe they were in dispute over whether the house could be afforded and whether it was a good move.

I would say nowt further and just say yes to the babysitting whenever you are able - that will help them best over this sticky patch - we have all had them!

I think Christmas was a tricky time all round, it often is in families. Expectations for a happy, clappy time often don't happen. Just take a step back, give them some space but be there for your granddaughter if needed to help out. I'm sure hopefully the situation will resolve and then hopefully life will carry on happily and it will be pushed to the background. It is very hard for mums to sit back and do nothing good luck.

As others have said, look after you gd, no questions asked. Maybe the tension was about the possible house move. Deposits are usually paid along the chain at exchange, so it's not 'real money' except for the first time buyers at the bottom. Although they might need some topping up, depending on price.

I would hate my adult children to want to know the ins and outs of our differences. It would spoil their illusions about us!