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I miss the man I married

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Luckygirl Fri 20-Jan-17 16:09:57

My OH has PD and is definitely not the man I married; but he is my husband and there are flashes of his very dry humour that surface now and again.

Our relationship is very different - there is an element of caring in it, but not yet in a major way. He washes, dresses etc. but cannot keep going with the normal day's activities and needs LOTS of reminders to take his vast array of drugs and help to find the MANY things that he loses all day. He shakes at night; and also suffers from anxiety - which gets worse as the day progresses - by the evening he is very tense and his tremor is very bad then - also his ability to swallow reduces as the day goes on.

Your OH has a treatable condition - that needs to be your starting point I think.

I suppose the way I cope is to be very matter-of-fact about it - this is how it is, so we just get on with it. An I have wonderful supportive children; although I only call on them when things are really bad. However they are a constant background presence, supporting him in sensitive and thoughtful ways.

The reason that this is manageable is because it is a fact - he has this degenerative disorder and there is nothing to be done. He takes meds which help a bit, but not significantly.

I think I would find your situation harder TBH as depression is a treatable disorder - my OH has one that is very hard to treat. I would be wanting to send him in the direction of treatment - the NHS manages depression well and expense should not be an issue. I am not sure that you should be resigning yourself to just going along with this - it may be that this is not necessary.

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Silverlining47 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:53:43

Some time ago I wrote to GN as I was finding my loving husband's recent behaviour very confusing. I received good advice and asked him to explain, as well as he could, what was happening. He said he had been very depressed for more than a year and from being happy, positive and loving he had become distant, anxious and only wanted to spend time on his own.
It was good to bring it into the open. He agreed to see a psychiatrist and a counsellor which he was able to arrange privately but eventually discontinued visits which were very expensive and he didn't feel helped him.
We hear a lot about mental health issues but until it comes into your own life you don't realise how far reaching the effects are on those nearest.
His personality has changed. He is not the person I married 12 years ago and we relate to each other very differently now. I miss the man I married. Occassionally the 'old' husband reappears and I know how much I love him again. We manage but I think we are both lonely in different ways and both sad for each other.
Other people have to cope with this and with dementia in a partner and I would be pleased to hear their thoughts.

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