92 year old father and his recently acquired friend

I think that many people who are qualified to care for elderly people will explain that there can be subtle changes in personality that are not necessarily anything to do with dementia etc. Very elderly people are known to be more trusting and more easily influenced by others especially if they think that person is 'in charge' or an expert. Its not for nothing that criminal target old people who live alone to sell them unnecessary building work etc. Also those over 80 lived at a time when everyone trusted their Doctor, Bank Manager or Solicitor without question - unscrupulous people have learned to use this to their advantage.

Perhaps vulnerable is not quite the right word - naive?

Certainly MIL always thought the best of everyone; the woman who befriended her elderly friends and inherited the house started visiting MIL after they died, offering to look after her. DBIL cottoned on and casually dropped in when she was there, mentioning MIL's landlord. The woman never came round again to 'see how she was'.

Monica has a very valid point, I think.

I agree with Ana what is this woman's connection with a group for the elderly/vulnerable?

I am bothered by the way so many people are assuming that because someone is extremely old they are by definition vulnerable. Yes, of course some very elderly people are, but coming from a large family that is both long lived and more than able to manage their lives, without assistance into their 90s I find this attitude of extreme old age = vulnerability very patronising.

If this gentleman is sound of mind, his situation is no different than that of a man in his 50s with grown-up children, concerned about some unwise action he seems to be taking.

An aunt and uncle of mine took a local family under their wing as surrogate grandparents. They showered money and gifts on them - and when my aunt became ill and died, the family ultimately proved to be as ungrateful and uncaring as most of us expected, but my aunt and uncle were highly intelligent well educated people, not at all naive or innocent and in their 60s when they 'adapted' this family and I felt it was none of my business to interfere, even though I knew it could cost me an inheritance from them.

I think the same thing applies here. By all means make a few enquiries, perhaps discuss it with the gentleman, but, if he is in his right mind and chooses to spend his money like this that is entirely his business.

The word vulnerable is important here, as an elderly vulnerable person I would be questioning this ladies motives. He could be, being exploited. You need to check out what exactly her role is within this group, and inform someone of what your Fathers has paid out for. I used to work with vulnerable adults and some people are unscrupulous in their dealings. Yes he may know his own mind, but exploitation works in many ways.

We had to contact Help the Aged about MIL's home help because things would be taken home eg bedlinen 'to be washed' and never reappear, food from the freezer 'it's out of date', offers to decorate at extortionate cost etc.
Old people are very vulnerable and there are a lot of sharks out there.

If this was my dad i would be very worried about this family that seem to be having got alot from your dad and seem to be pushing you out, i would try get their names and take this info to the police and voice your concerns to them , they will hopefully look into what is happening, there was a case in the papers a few months ago and sadly the people were taking money and also had got the man to sign paperwork that the birth family were unaware off. x

Would it be possible for you and your sister to talk to this woman directly? Maybe don`t mention your concerns about the money but say you are worried about his health now you aren`t going to the hospital with him. She ought to understand your concerns if she really cares about him. If she reacts by being stroppy I think you have every right to be alarmed. Perhaps a conversation with his doctor would be the next step

Do you have power of attorney over your fathers affairs?.
My father had a (younger) woman friend that he paid holidays for and gave her gifts of jewellery and china that had belonged to our mother without the knowledge of myself or sister
Only realised when empty shelves appeared
The last straw for me was when a huge telephone bill arrived that dad couldn't afford to pay.
The lady in question had been making long distance calls.
I gave her short thrift and asked her to pay the phone bill.
She refused and disappeared
She also had side line in antiques.

Dad became ill and with his consent we got POA
So could keep track of his finances

DH doesn't have POA for his 92 year old mother but does have his name on his mums bank account
And as she has got memory problems all information re her pension and utility and meals on wheels etc come to our address.

I would keep a very watchful eye indeed; we have known it happen to an elderly couple who were very close to DH's family (but not our relatives). They moved in, did care for them both very well - in exchange for inheriting the house and everything in it.
They were JW by the way.

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. The woman in question is a member of the group; she is registered disabled. I have also seen a thank you note from the woman's 21 year old daughter, thanking my father for all he has done for her in such a short time - though I know not what. I have to say, my father appears to be totally besotted and perhaps the best course of action would be to do nothing.

'question' Gah!

'in quesstion'

Except that it seems rahter strange that the OP's Dad seems to be funding both the woman and question and her husband...it's not as though he himself went on holiday with her!

My FIL, widowed at about 90, immediately took up with a lady of 57! He paid for them both to go on European holidays etc. We thought that she might be after his money (frankly from my POV he had no other attraction!) but she cared for him very devotedly (barring one major tiff - his fault - that parted them for a while). When he died he had not left her anything - this was what he had promised to the family. However I did find letters about a new will on his computer after he died that left it all to her. It was neither printed nor signed, but I asked her if there was anything of his that she wanted and she said "Yes - he has some really nice oven gloves that I have always had my eye on" !!! So not a gold digger then. She knew nothing about the other will and we all left things as they were - I gave her the oven gloves!!

We all felt that he had spent lots of money on her and given her a good time for several years, which was all positive, so we did not feel obliged to discuss the possible will changes with her.

If your parent is comps mentis then there is nothing you can do, if it is making him happy then what the hell!

Would think if this woman is a volunteer,I would think that "gifts" of large amounts would not be allowed .When volunteering I had to log any gifts ie chocolate or biscuits etc..monetary gifts not allowed and gifts no more than £10 in value....there should be record of this

From personal experience of something similar, you will probably only alienate your father by approaching him. You need to find out about this group first, what are its foundations - charity or social services etc ?. Then attack from that angle.....go to the organisers - if that's her then you need to go higher up. Good luck, this is always a very difficult area.

I think I would start by finding out more about the group, and what this woman's part is in it
Is she a volunteer or a member?
Then I would approach the group organisers, if necessary.

Is this married woman a member of the vulnerable people's group? Or a volunteer or similar? I'm just wondering in what way she could be considered 'vunerable'.

As Takingthemick says, she could be genuine - but then why accept the gift of a holiday for her and her husband from your very elderly dad? Plust private medical fees.

Something's not right, and I do think you should do some investigating in whatever way possible.

Tricky one this. On the one hand she may be a very kind woman who likes to look after lonely old people and gives up her time to voluntary work. But unfortunately this is the real world and you are right to be concerned. Who runs this group for vulnerable lonely old people? The emphasis on VULNERABLE. It would be quite acceptable for you and your sister to make enquiries about this group. Where is it held and what sort of organisation runs it. Try to find out as much as you can even enlisting help from other family members. If this is run by any church or community centre I'm sure they would be very concerned if someone was taking money from one of their members. I appreciate how difficult this is and must be mindful of your dear Dad's pride. Good luck.

Unfortunately as he is entirely in his right mind, there is absolutely nothing you can do. It is his life and if he chooses to act in a way that so rightly worries you that is up to him.

I can understand how worried you are, I would be in your situation. The only possible solution is subterfuge. Not knowing you, your siblings or your father it is difficult to know what would work. Emotional blackmail? Suffering and sad, crying in his presence that he loves others wore than you? noble self-sacrifice, or whatever fits your mutual relationship.