I work with my partners ex

Cassy can I just check I've understood you correctly?

Your boyfriend had a long-term relationship with someone, they lived together and they split up recently enough that "They still have house stuff to sort out so he does see her from time to time." But he hasn't even told you her name, you only know it because you looked up the electoral register covering where/when he lived with her.

"He has always said he has never dated anyone from work, and he doesn't know that I even know her name." But she has worked there for a year. So either they're very slow at sorting out the house stuff, or she worked there whilst they were together for at least a few months.

I see no sensible reason why you shouldn't know her name. It is very odd for him to have never mentioned her name, given that they were long-term.

How long have you been together?

I am very confused here and cannot really see what the problem is? Is that he lied when he told you he would never date anyone from work? No, that cannot be it , as you knew that was not true as he is dating you and you both work for the same organisation! Or have I got that wrong? You also have not said how or why she introduced herself to you? Was she aware who you are? Why cant you just simply say to him "Oh, by the way, I met your ex today, she seems a lovely person. Did you know she works in our organisation now?" and wait for his reply - if he questions how you knew who she was, make light of it and just say someone must have mentioned it. If he doesnt accept that, you have to counter-challenge him by asking why he has kept it such a huge secret and then you open a whole can of worms and you really dont need that! I really do think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and I fear for your longterm relationship if you cannot resolve this very minor blip! On the other hand, you could just leave it all where it belongs, in the past!

I agree with "Elrel" - how can they have still have shared possessions and you don't know her name. It is a strange sort of relationship if you can't ask him about his past. We are formed by our past and when you love someone it's normal to discuss past experiences and relationships - or am I wrong?

Sit down together, take a deep breath and tell the truth - even the bit about snooping. After all, your partner has been less than truthful with you if indeed the ex-girfriend was working there when they were together. You may have a row, or a few uncomfortable days, but the chances are he will understand your concerns. She doesn't have to know about your new relationship and it might help your partner if you can give him feedback on her if things get a bit messy with sorting out their financial affairs. If your relationship with him is strong then you can weather this together.

You cant change the past or undo whats done, you need to move forward and have it clear in your mind how best to approach this, its obvious you need to chat with this guy if you are to move the relationship forward the secret is not to rush it. You need to get him talking about his life before the ex, then you can ask how they met and let the conversation progress naturally only when he has spoken her name and you know for sure it is her should you bring it up if at all, its often better to have confirmation in your mind so that you can manage your situation going forward. Bear in mind he is fresh out of a break up and you could drive him away by lots of on the spot questions when he is trying to sort out and come to terms with what happened before he met you. If hes worth keeping its worth biting your tongue for a bit longer. Good Luck

Wondering how he tells you he's sorting the house stuff with his ex without ever using at least her first name. You can't erase his past or undo your insecure snooping.
For the moment you're stuck with the situation you're in. Just say nothing and don't get too cosy yet, it may not be long term after all.

Just be open! Tell the truth, say you found out, whats the worst that could happen?? Surely we are all at least of the age where holding things back and snooping on loved ones should be far, far behind us! His past is his past! His future is you, although, had I found out my partner was snooping on me, I would be quite disturbed! I would have thought we had left those insecurities of the young far behind us!
For me, I have to trust explicitly who I am with, and if not, then I wouldnt be with them. xxx

You say he see's her from time to time as they have a house to sort out so it is very likely he knows, as I am sure she will have said she is working where he works and surelu they might bump into or see one another in the car park etc. If not why not? If he knows, why hasn't he told you if you are both working in the same department?

What is so strange about asking the name of an ex girlfriend who he sees some times and has things to sort out? Why did you have to snoop? Do you not have any mutual friends who would know her as it wasn't that long ago. If she said she lives in the same area as him, why didn't you mention he lived there? Could you not say to him that there is a women in my department who says she lives near where you use to live, do you know her.

"The thing is relationships are frowned on at work" . They can frown all they like but who you live with, your children or if you are likely to have any, your age and a number of other things are none of their business. The only reason they could complain Isis if a relationship interfered with your work.

If you are going to manag people I think you must learn to be more open when dealing with people as at times you will have to address difficult situations Hope you have done some sort of management course.

Cassy I really don't understand what your problem is. You have committed yourself to an intimate relationship with a person who has done this before with someone else.. If he still has household stuff to sort out with her it is clearly much too soon for you to have any realistic expectations of this current relationship he now has with you lasting either. If you had wanted a solid long term relationship you would have waited until you knew this man very well and were very sure that it was love and not lust. The situatio you outline is a problem which could easily have been forseen and just like a cheap novella.
I am not convinced that this is a real situation at all and not just something fished out of the depths of your imagination. If real, then you have leapt into a messy situation with predictable consequences and would appear to be enjoying your self created angst. If you are not enjoying this casual setup then get out of this situation and wait for someone who is 'solid gold' and is free to offer you his love and the future that you would wish for.

Maybe you should be asking yourself why your son has not introduced his girlfriend yet or why he hasn't said much. Could it be possible that you over react?

As long as you haven't used your position at work to do the snooping, then you haven't done anything wrong.

The trouble now, is that having opened Pandora's box, you don't know what to do with the information. You have two options:

1. Do nothing. As others have said, we all have a past, and maybe he wants to leave the past behind him. Does he worry that you knowing you both work in the same place will lead to constant questions about her?

2. Come clean. I wouldn't create a situation in which you meet her with your OH and say, oh, I know you from somewhere, unless you want to put your OH on the back foot, and make him feel very awkward. just bring the subject up in a non accusatory way. Be prepared for him to be annoyed or even angry.

Good luck.

Just ask if she is the same woman that he once lived with. Had you done that straightaway, you wouldn't have had to snoop and feel guilty about that. It is not wrong to want to know and you owe him your trust surely?

You could just drop it out in conversation - you know of 2 people who work together at the same organisation and they have problems (de dah de dah) & see if that elicits anything, or "you have met someone in another department who says they knew you some time ago" (see what happens with that one) ..... bit devious I know !!!

Tricky one this - If you both work at the same place, do you ever review the day over supper? Perhaps you could say that you were introduced to her in a meeting without letting on that you know who she is/was and gauge his reaction. While snooping can open up a can of worms,i do that 1-2 of the comments on here have been a little harsh. Sometimes people choose not to rock the relationship boat without necessarily being afraid of abuse of whatever kind from their partner - they just hate arguments!

Never quite understand having to 'reveal one's past' to a partner. That's how it is PAST. The future starts at the point of meeting. Obviously there are exceptions when inter-family matters are concerned but, unless specifically asked about something I would have told my husband nothing. It's gone, past, dead and serves no useful purpose. I was with him exclusively and that's where all my energies went. The past is a huge learning curve and reserved for the heart and memory (and even the memory becomes distorted over time!). Onwards.........!

Could you perhaps wangle it so you go with him next time he has to sort house stuff out with her? After all, he has told you about his ex and you are both being grownups about this. It's just that he hasn't told you she worked in the same company.
Then you could say something like "I think I know you from somewhere"

What would you have done with that information if he had told you? I can understand why he didn't (not that I wouldn't be annoyed in your situation).
She is an ex. She will be an ex for a reason and unless you notice any particular closeness between them it shouldn't be an issue.
If you let this eat away at you it will be you damaging the relationship so, as others have said, either address it full on or forget it. If you decide to address it don't do it in an accusatory way.

I can understand the OPs feelings, I was married before and had 2 children before meeting my DH (33 years ago!), yet I still feel a bit miffed/ jealous when my MiL exalts the praises of his ex GF he went out with at uni and was with for 4 years- long before he met me. The fact that at first, he kept in touch with her family , kept photos of her didn't help. we talked it through and he agreed it wasn't appropriate- he got rid of the photos and dropped the contact. Doesn't stop the Mil comparing me unfavourably to her, but thats an other issue...
Talking it through with your OH is the key to this one.

cassy Why is it a problem ? we all have a past, your OH didnt get to the age he is without an ex (did you). You just have to be grown up, how on earth would you cope if he had children with an ex ? calm down and enjoy your relationship. Dont make problems where there isn't any. Just chill

Yes I agree with FarNorth, it's a case of put up or shut up, sorry if that sounds a bit harsh. A relationship based on this sort of deceit is going to founder sooner or later. I think you are worrying unnecessarily and talking about it will be far less stressful than the way things are at present.

Or actually TALK to your partner and ask him about your predecessor, then when you have her name from him, you can say "Oh, there is someone of exactly that name at work! What a coincidence! Was she a (whatever the woman's job is) ?

Are you very young, cassy, that you don't know how to talk to him?

So you only know her name because you looked them up on the electoral roll, is that right?

If she has worked for your firm for a year, does that mean she wasn't there when she was your partner's girlfriend, or that she wasn't there when they first dated?

If you only know things about them by snooping, and you don't want to admit to snooping, you'll just have to keep quiet and put up with the situation.

I just don't want to rock the boat

The thing is, relationships are frowned on at work. I cannot confide in anyone else, it is so difficult.

If you want it sorted out, you will have to talk about it, even if that means admitting that you were snooping - your partner surely can't be surprised that you wanted to know about such an important person in his life.

If you think he will be annoyed - then why don't you want to annoy him? Would that be too scary? Is he somone who it is better not to annoy? What does that say about your relationship with him?

If you DON'T want it sorted out, then say nothing and do nothing, and put up with working near her. Sooner or later you will come face to face and have to deal with that, and then you will wish that you had had that talk with your partner earlier and cleared the air.