I work with my partners ex

He told you he's "never dated anyone from work," but he has. He won't tell you anything about her. A lie and a coverup - sorry, but this doesn't bode well, imo.

He probably doesn't want you to talk to her about him. But why? What is he afraid she'll say?

So you both met him at work then. I'd just come out with it to both of them, so what? All of you are doing/have done the same surely?

Don't.

Well I asked him about his ex and he refused point blank to tell me anything. So I have the knowledge of her working with me and dont know how to tell him I know!

Any suggestions to how i bring it up??

I agree with Elegran and Janeainsworth what does it matter? Why bother bringing it up at all?

My sister is obsessed with her boyfriends (well they are in their 50's) past. His ex wife, ex girlfriends. She asks to see pictures and is forever going on about them and what they looked like, their personalities, why they split etc. . It would get on my nerves.

Just realised - this reminds me of Boeing Boeing, or any Whitehall farce with several doors. Where's Brian Rix when we need him?!

Storm in an espresso coffee cup.

Riverwalk

What I mean really is: in order to keep your current relationship happy, keep it happy by being happy, even if you have to pretend, and worrying about an ex is not going to keep it happy. Bringing up the ex and admitting you've snooped is awful. The bloke will think you're totally insecure, and might think you'll start snooping on him next. Relationships fail all the time, but don't let it be yours when you think he's lovely. You'll feel better soon.

Awful for you, because you were curious and now you feel guilty because you looked up this lady's details. In order to keep your own current relationship happy you must make yourself accept that the past is history. He obviously does not want to go over a past relationship with you. It must be upsetting for him, and he knows it could be potentially upsetting for you. And now it is. I wouldn't admit you'd made further enquiries at all. I think I'd casually ask when he is going to have finally sorted out his furniture arrangements with his ex though. Looking on the bright side, you might get on well with his ex. I'd keep the fact that you've met her secret from him.

You sound very insecure in this relationship. Work relationships are frowned on and yet here YOU are. Presumably he is doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons in that he hasn't spoken of her because he doesn't want to upset you, and bring your wrath, jealousy or insecurity down on his own head. He is keeping quiet and avoiding conflict like a lot of men. He must be walking on eggshells. With that in mind why do you want to stir things up? If she was that wonderful he wouldn't be with you. Keeping watch, searching Electorial Rolls, wondering if, why and what - therein lies madness. He is with YOU. Get a grip.

Whatever happened in the past, he chose to be with you. Let it go. I speak from experience.

Yes that was quite 1950's mumofmadboys, whatever happened to equal partnership.

It's an odd situation almost farcical when nobody is supposed to know about anyone else. Cassy you need to get things out in the open or it will get worse.

Do you live with him? You didn't mention it in your Op.

Why don't you casually over dinner say you've just met a delightful woman call (name) at work and you would love to invite her round for dinner one evening and watch his face hopefully he will have to say something and if he doesn't invite for dinner

Something doesn't add up here ... but I had two large glasses of wine at lunch so it could just be me!

All three of you work in the same place so:

you know he is there and she is there, he knows you are there, but you're not sure if he knows she is there, she presumably knows that he's there, and she knows you are there but doesn't know that you're now with him. Have I got that right?

You refer to him as your partner, he's still seeing his long-term ex as they have household things to sort out, but you have never ever been told her name?

I object newnanny to your terms 'play dumb' and 'make sure you are keeping him happy in the present'. Relationships are 50.50 surely and it is both partners roles to make the relationship as happy as possible .

If you know this woman and she has no idea you are now her ex's partner ....why don't you engage her in conversation on a casual level ...you know the sort of thing 'where did you work before' (unless you already know) ....are you married, single, have an SO (sorry couldn't resist it ...I hate that expression significant other !) and if she has no idea who you are she may tell you all about her ex boyfriend ...should be fun ! Myself I have always been devious and for me it has always been fun and by far the best way when in any doubt !

I once snooped through my ex husbands brief case (no mobile phones in those days !) and found the name of a hotel in Brighton (of all classic affair places !) when he said he was in Norwich for a weekend conference. I phoned the hotel and the receptionist said ah, Mr AND Mrs ...have just gone out ...so I just said Please can you leave my husband a note when he gets back, to ring his wife ,,,,,the receptionist was a man and it was hilarious ......later that night he came back home and was full of apologies ..you know the thing 'oh I'll never do that again' (he did !) ...etc etc....never mind, I took my daughter out and we bought lots of new clothes and toys (she was only 5 at the time !).....he subsequently left and immediately the day he left I had all the locks changed . Divorced, sold the house (working for a divorce lawyer at that time who said YOu cannot have everything ! Watch me, I said ....and did ! a couple of years later I had a phone call in my new house some 200 miles away, from his girlfriend, now his wife asking me why I never told her he was a compulsive gambler as they had had their brand new house, a restored old vicarage in a lovely Suffolk villagem repossessed and were living in a Council hostel for the homeless ! BOY THAT FELT GOOD ! I had actually told that woman about his gambling many years earlier and was delighted to remind her .....revenge is sweet ! (Im not really a horrible person !)

I would say nothing and play dumb. Let hem sort out their business from past but make sure you are keeping him happy in the present. If you do end up having to manage her just treat her as anyone else, check with a colleague if you are unsure.

They split up. He wants to be with you. Let it go and focus on your own current and future happiness. For all you know she may also be in a new relationship.

Good luck Cassy.

Good idea, cassy.

A storm in a teacup.

Synonymous - It is not a figment of my imagination. He is a private man and it just seems strange that he has never told me. He must know she works there - perhaps he didn't think we would last. He must think maybe if I'm not asking him, then he doesn't need to tell me. I'm going to ask him tonight to tell me about her and see what he says.

Cassy the one thing I have learned in my life is nothing is good about being devious. I would opt for honesty. Say it bothered you, you checked up and she is working there. you have both been less than open and if your relationship is to continue and become solid in future you need to sort it out now.

Good luck

I do not see the problem myself. She is his Ex! Not current so history. Why should it bother you?

Maybe he actually didn't know she worked there?

I worked for the Armed Forces. I had several boyfriends before I met my OH. He must have worked with people I used to go out with. I have never told him who I used to know before I met him because they were in the past and no longer had anything to do with me.

Give him the benefit of the doubt I say. Mention that you have met her, but don't make a big thing of it. It doesn't matter anymore.