Lying son

Has he ever lived by himself at all?
If say he was left alone in your house for 2 or 3 days or a week, what would happen?

It's difficult to advise without knowing the extent of your son's problems Wizzy57. Have you looked at the possibility of sheltered housing for him, it's not just for older people. Maybe your other child has the right idea if put a bit strongly. Your youngest may surprise you if he has the opportunity to be more independent. . It is a good idea to start thinking about the future and talking to him about it whilst you are still able to offer him support.

Wizzy57 you dont say how severe the developmental problems are so no-one can really give advice. I can only say that i have a son who lied constantly and wouldnt stay in a job for any longer than a few weeks in the end i told him to leave. Best thing i have ever done for both of us. He had to learn and he did. My DH was right, i made excuses formy son and i mollycoddled him

Thank you grannypiper, my son is a narcissist and immature for his age. My trouble is that when he tells me anything I have doubts about believing him. it's always someone else's fault that he has a problem with work. He gripes that he doesn't have any money when I remind him his rent is due, £60 pounds a month. I am at my wits end with him, He is not eligible for sheltered housing.

If your worry is how he would cope without you then maybe it is time to give him notice that he needs to find his own rented accommodation by a certain date. If he has no savings you might have to help him with a one off payment as a months rent in advance. When my son first left home he had a room in a shared house which cost less than taking on a flat.

Your son will not learn to be more mature if he has his problems solved for him. It is hard to let go, I will never forget how I felt leaving our 18year old daughter in a run down student house when she started university after the uni messed up on accommodation for her.

Is he capable of taking care of a flat on his own? If you don't think so, then perhaps it would be worth hiring a maid for him or someone like that, so that he could move out?

His not wanting to tell you the truth about what goes wrong at work is not that unusual, however. He may be immature, but he's an adult and it's his business, not yours. Your only concern is whether or not he can pay his rent. You don't need to know why he left a job. Back off a little and you'll hear fewer lies.

Hiring a maid for a 30 year old seems a very unusual suggestion!!

You say he has never had a full-time job. Is he on benefits or does he earn enough with part-time jobs to afford living on his own?

Have you sought help?

Many thanks to all for your feedback, I have never gone public before, I just feel sad that I don't trust what he tells me anymore. Also sad that he feels the need to lie.

unless he is actually diagnosed, by an appropriately qualified medical professional, as a narcissist then your son doesn't have development issues. He's just selfish and immature.

Is there necessarily a difference between ' development issues' and immaturity? Undoubtedly Dizzy knows her son best. To say her son is ' just selfish and immature' isn't really that helpful. As a mum,even one seeking help who knows there is a problem, it is hard to listen to criticism of one's kids unless helpful comments/ advice is given at the same time.

This is so difficult for you Wizzy,ni am so sorry.

Yes you could help him find s flat and he may get himself together but I think if you do you must also be prepared for him to find it too difficult or he doesn't like living alone and turn up on your doorstep wanting to come home.

Perhaps a serious talk ? I understand your worries for his future, I have the same worry for my elder daughter but for different reasons. Hurts doesn't it

Your elder son is probably correct, as his brother he no doubt has more insight than we do and can be more realistic.
I think if it's possible you should encourage this independence from you as he surely won't always have you there to live with and rely on for such cheap lodgings. He is of an age where he real should be responsible and managing without you in the main.

Try and take little steps Wizzy. Make a list of five or six things it would be good for your son to accomplish and try and work at those eg cook a main meal, do a load of washing, Hoover bedroom. Whatever is appropriate..Try and slowly improve his skills and independence. Wishing you well.x

Thank you for your messages and taking the time to give advice. My son had a statement whilst in education as his developmental was slow. He was prescribed Ritalin,and one to one support for some lessons.

He may need some counseling to help him keep a job and cope on his own.

I'm sorry. Maybe if you could make a list, easy things he could make a go of, let him feel confident?

My oldest son, ( a twin) is 40, he too still lives at home, he too can be economical with the truth, he too can not keep a job, we never get to the bottom of why this is. We have struggled with these issues since he was in his early 20's. About 5 years ago we sought medical advise ( again) asking for him to be tested for Autisum. I had read a book by Tony Atwood an Austrailian who works with & has written extensively about people with Asperger's Syndrome. Reading this book was like reading about my son!
The result was positive. You may say that gives our son a label, yes it does, but it also helps us to understand a little bit about what we are dealing with. The issues are not solved, they don't go away, they are there daily. Fortunately my husband & I are able to supposrt each other with all this brings, but we do worry for the future of our son as there really is not much out there in the way of support for what is termed as high functioning Adlut Autisum. We are in our early 70’s & it must be said it has affected our retirement both emotionally and financially. Maybe you would be wise to seek further advise. Good luck.

I have every sympathy with you Wizzy, and Ronnie, I have two sons at home aged around 40. One has never left and the other was a returner. As a retired widow I'm finding it too much physically, financially and emotionally. I'm now trying my best to get them to leave home so I can downsize. One has a girlfriend and will settle with her but the other is not so easy.

Thank you . Don't feel quite to alone. X