Strained Relationship with MIL

Check out this website. I can't read all these posts so someone may have said it before.

It's a British website I think Bibbity and it sounds as if Purplesneakers lives abroad from a few things she has said - is that right Purple?
A 10 hour drive for MIL to visit and phone to say she is popping over to their town the next day, 'can we do lunch' sounds like America or Australia, but I may be wrong.

Surely driving 10 hours takes a bit of planning and she could phone you up the week before to see if you're free for lunch?

Bibbity I do feel quite sorry for you and for your DGS as either you have a very strange MIL if she can't be trusted with your son, or else there is more going on and your son is missing out on a loving relationship with his grandmother.

I think I said before that your DH needs to sort things out calmly and kindly with his mother before things go too far with their relationship.

I married one man. I made no promise to his family at all. I have no obligation or responsibility to them. The same to him and mine.
I mainatain the relationship I want with my side. His side is his responsibility.
Although I get on well with His brothers wife so we message a lot.

I did not marry into anything

You did though. The older I get, the more I realise this.

In the same way that when a person marries someone and has a child with them, they are never "free" of that, it is the same with their family also.

So the smoother the whole thing can be going through life, the easier all round.

'I don't care if she is happy. Her happiness is not my responsibility'
That is a very sad post Bibbity.

purplesneakers I have been following this thread with interest, mainly because of your very mature approach and willingness to consider the advice offered by experienced grans and mils. It is clear that you would like the relationship with your mil to improve, but not sure how.

I have a few points to make. I would endorse the pleas from many of the grans to consider how excited your mil is to be a gran for the first time. You will see on here how many of us post of our joy at the safe arrival of new grandchildren. This is not to say that we feel we 'own' our grandchildren but that it is a special relationship. I was astonished at the rush of pure love I felt for my first grandson, and for each of the other 5.

My next point is that you, your DH and your mil are all new to the role of parent/grandparent and are still discovering what is expected of that role. You and DH are naturally protective of your little one, and are naturally reluctant to let her be away from you for any length of time. Your mil has probably forgotten that feeling and maybe needs a gentle reminder.

What you and the posters from MN perhaps don't quite appreciate is how that protective feeling for children never goes away, and many parents can find it difficult to step back and let their adult children get on with it and make their own mistakes. It is a learning process that goes on from you first leave your little one/s with someone else, through to seeing them start school, the difficult teenage years and seeing them leave home. Some parents have more difficulties accepting this than others. We all make mistakes and you young parents will too.

Also remember that you too may find yourself in the same position of being a grandparent in the future. It is a relationship that can be so rewarding, but cause a lot of heartache. Just read the many stories on here.

I would suggest you explain to your mil what you have to us, that you and DH need to have space to become parents but do gave your mil a chance to explain how she feels too, if that is possible. As a lawyer, I know you are able to evaluate both points of view and come to some sort of arrangement that will suit you all.

It saddened me to read that one poster thinks that the older generation of the family don't matter. My children benefitted enormously from their contact with their very tolerant grandparents especially time, which their busy parents often found difficult to find. I hope my grandchildren benefit from their contact with us. They have given us so much.

Good luck!

You accuse me of being intransigent? Yet you are the one projecting all over me?
I've only ever talked from my POV.

I am more than aware CO can happen at any time for any reason
Please show me where I've said otherwise.
I see it as a case by case scenario.
So do not tell me about Karma. Because there is no such thing.

I did all of that too Bibbity, so much so that my relationship with my son is as strong as ever. He left home at eighteen to go to University, and was never "mine" from then on. He is and always has been his own man,, but you know what, no matter how strong, or determined a person is, if they get involved with someone like his wife, and there's a child involved, that strength and determination counts for nothing.

I truly hope you never find yourself in this situation, but perhaps you could consider how it can happen and not be quite so intransigent.

Off to the airport to meet my son....and hide my tears and sadness.

And FYI it's taken me 3/4 years to get to the point where I've said enough. I'm not wasting anymore time or energy on someone who refuses to learn. My MiL is CO from one of her sons and has Been CO from another for years but he's now just LC.
Why should I become anxcious at the thought of her? Why should I allow a woman who I don't trust unsupervised access to my children?
She openly states that homosexuality is wrong and comments on the fact my son has a pram and a doll. Those are things I am now confident to rip her down for saying.
Maybe this is the huge difference. We're not laying down anymore.
I did not marry into anything. I married one man. We together created children. And together we alone decide what happens.
That's the same for any parents who aren't abusive.
If your son wants to stay with her that's his choice.
But what he says to you just sounds like that battle cry of a wet blanket.
I wonder what he tells her about you.

That's fine Rosy. I pray the partner my son chooses is strong, determined and puts their relationship and potential children above all others.
I know I will have no claim to those children or thier time.
Their time with me is now. I'm doing the best I can to protect and shape them. Hopefully into good members of society.

I haven't posted for some time, and quite frankly reading some of these posts, I doubt I will again. I know who I am and I know who has caused all this pain and misery....and thankfully so does my son, who is actually mid air right now coming to visit. Without, I might add the granddaughter I have seen just once, when she was six months old. She is now almost four. He and I are both unwilling to allow the child to witness the violence her mother resorts to if he attempts to defy her. He stays right now, purely for his child. The stupid woman thinks she's won something, when in fact she's lost the love of a damn good man. So to those who think - like my DIL - that I have no right to expect anything more, I feel truly sorry for you, and your total lack of human kindness and compassion. Life is never that cut and dried, it has to be worked at. Karma really does exist....and she truly is a bitch!

To PurpleSneakers I say I wish you were my daughter-in-law. You are prepared to work on things, as I would have been given the chance. I wish you well.

Bibbity I see you have a son. One day you may well find yourself in the situation so many of us are in right now, due to a daughter in law with the same views as you. That bitch Karma again!

So pleased that you posted and glad if we were able to help.
Communication, compromise and consideration usually work and i feel things will work out. Wishing you well and Much love, luck and happiness to you all.

Whats important is that your husband, her son feels the same.
That seems to be of been over looked and I can only assume it's because she's a DIL posting.
Your husband needs to have a talk, a proper talk to his mom about how she's making you both feel. That his relactionship with her is suffering due to how full on she's being.

This isn't a nasty DIL issue, her son feels his relationship is damaged because his mom won't listen to him and HE has also reduced contact. That speaks volumes!

And Who travels 10 hours on a whim, without making any sort of plans and wants you to change your plans to suit her? Where does that stop? And it's not fair on 1) you and 2) the person you've made plans with.
You can't live day to day life 'just incase' MIL rings for lunch on that day. You'd never make plans! What if you have a doctors appointment? You're ill? Been up all night with your baby? What are you supposed to do then.
'Do you fancy lunch next Wednesday?' Is all it needs.

Also. If she wants to have your 9 month old over night, I guess thats at her house? Which is 10 hours away. I wouldn't want either of my kids (7and 3) 10 hours away never mind a 9 month old.

I had big MIL relationship problems, never resolved. MIL had to be Queen Bee and could create an uncomfortable atmosphere so easily. My husband knew her personality and I was very lucky to have his full support. As soon as MIL couldn't show off a baby in a buggy she disappeared until Christmas or another celebration where atmospheres appeared if she was not in the forefront of the celebrations. She did do young baby sitting but that was all. As a widow I did my duty and supported her, but no thanks. I never had a frank conversation with her, one didn't then, but I think the advice to try this is very very good. I offered shopping trips, a new bathroom with a shower, etc, all turned down. I was allowed to buy a fridge with a freezing shelf. I missed the backups, friendship and chats I could have had. Am now a MIL, was congratulated on my (4 min) "father of the bride" speech and am minding my Ps & Qs and keeping my mouth shut. My relationship so far is lovely with my SIL. We get what life gives us. My very best wishes to you and your efforts. Do press on and try a talk.

Last post - just wanted to thank you for your input.

I am somewhat bemused by the posters who feel upset or frustrated over the situation. It actually is quite positive, I can see that now, especially considering some of your experiences. We have a MIL who cares (good start!) and a DIL who wants to build a better relationship and has learnt a great deal from this thread. Hearing it from the MILs perspective(s) has softened my attitude towards her. It doesn't mean I won't hold my boundaries just that if she brushes up against them I will cut her some slack, rather than expecting her to follow my idea of 'normal'.

I feel some of you are determined to find a 'good guy' and 'bad guy' in this scenario. You find one detail in my post and latch on to it as if it proves that I'm a heartless DIL who is selfishly rejecting MILs love, or that she is a boundary stomping nightmare desperate to insert herself as a third parent. Both of these views are so far from what I actually posted, I can only presume it reflects your own experience. For that I am sorry. I don't believe there is a good/bad guy here, just two people with different needs and expectations adjusting to changing family dynamics. If we can't sort this out we both lose.

DH has some work to do and I'll stay out of that but for my part, I will definitely keep the door open. I think being honest and compassionate now will help our relationship in future.

Thanks to everyone who posted and who wished me well.

PurpleSneakers, it would probably be best to keep mil on very low contact since dh "currently wants low contact".

You say
"I don't have to worry about drop ins from my mil (about 10 hours drive away), but she is fond of calling to advise she will be in town for a visit, for example
"I'm coming into your town tomorrow lets do lunch" and she is always put out and surprised to find I have plans. If I don't have plans I do meet up but being a busy mum who likes to get out of our tiny house - I often have plans right at the time she wants to visit."

What a distance! How does the poor woman manage a ten hour drive, without another driver present it would be nigh on impossible I would think, at least without a break!

If she's prepared to go to such lengths to maintain contact I feel quite sorry for her if it's not appreciated, poor woman must be feeling quite desperate.

On that note, I'm off to sleep.

I'm off too, purple but just wanted to say if you lock a door someone may walk away or bang on it loudly, if you leave it open they can come in gently. Not talking in riddles, just encouraging you to leave the door and the communication open. There is more than one type of relationship, there can be one in which you all flourish which is somewhere between your ideal and that of your mother in law, but it may take a lot of tenacity and hard work. You asked how the conversation might go. Hard to say without knowing people but for myself I respond far better to suggestions phrased as 'it would be better if' than I do to being given a list of what I am doing wrong. I wish you all well for the future.

FrodoVagins Best post yet on this thread. All GPs who care about respecting adult children's boundaries should assimilate this post.

Hi Purple,

Continued space and distance is the only solution to differing expectations as drastic as your nuclear family and your MIL's are. Your MIL sounds like she would like to co-parent your child with you and your husband. That is an unhealthy expectation. It also sounds like she manipulates with emotional reactions and tears. It is not your responsibility to manage her emotions for her. She is an adult who should be able to manage disappointment on her own. If she can't, then she has stability issues that are broader than her misaligned expectations as to what it means to be a grandmother.

Boundaries are important for any healthy relationship, as are consequences for overstepping clearly stated boundaries. I encourage you and your husband to continue to reiterate your boundaries and then take time away from MIL when she tries to overstep them or manipulate them with tears. You are actually doing her a favor by trying to teach her how to have a healthy relationship with your family before her behavior becomes too unbearable.

Your MIL's expectations are not normal. It is not normal to guilt new parents the way she is guilting you. It is not normal to demand overnight visits for a baby who is only 9 months old....or at any age. It is very telling that all of her children are frustrated with her behavior. This affirms this is a MIL issue and not a YOU issue.

I would also encourage your husband to have a frank conversation with her that her behavior is negatively affecting her relationship with your family. That he wants her in his life, but she needs to respect you two as your son's parents. When you say "no" that is the final answer.

Nanaandgrampy even though you're gone. Thank you for your input. You did give me food for thought. In wanting to maintain my personal boundaries perhaps I can be too rigid.

On one hand Im nervous that if I relax she will overwhelm me completely but on the hand, if I try for a bit of flexibility (or willingness to let the annoying things go and focus on the big picture) this might reassure her. If she felt more secure perhaps she would naturally back off a bit.

Yes, I'm bowing out now as well. I was hoping to be proved wrong, but had a feeling from the start about where this very sad thread would go. I'm just thankful that I'm blessed with a family where we all, in laws or blood relatives, introvert or extrovert, treat the others with love, consideration and respect.

Hi Purple,

Continued space and distance is the only solution to differing expectations as drastic as your nuclear family and your MIL's are. Your MIL sounds like she would like to co-parent your child with you and your husband. That is an unhealthy expectation. It also sounds like she manipulates with emotional reactions and tears. It is not your responsibility to manage her emotions for her. She is an adult who should be able to manage disappointment on her own. If she can't, then she has stability issues that are broader than her misaligned expectations as to what it means to be a grandmother.

Boundaries are important for any healthy relationship, as are consequences for overstepping clearly stated boundaries. I encourage you and your husband to continue to reiterate your boundaries and then take time away from MIL when she tries to overstep them or manipulate them with tears. You are actually doing her a favor by trying to teach her how to have a healthy relationship with your family before her behavior becomes too unbearable.

Your MIL's expectations are not normal. It is not normal to guilt new parents the way she is guilting you. It is not normal to demand overnight visits for a baby who is only 9 months old....or at any age. It is very telling that all of her children are frustrated with her behavior. This affirms this is a MIL issue and not a YOU issue.

I would also encourage your husband to have a frank conversation with her that her behavior is negatively affecting her relationship with your family. That he wants her in his life, but she needs to respect you two as your son's parents. When you say "no" that is the final answer.

Yes its probably time for many people to bow out now- all has been said including some very sad and in some instances selfish remarks on all sides! - We are all different, the greatest gift is to communicate well and to try to understand how we all feel. Even with good communication the impact can be different to that intended! Compromise is an art not gifted to many. If only we could all find something good in each other both DILs and MILs how great life would be but of course sadly that's not real is it?

And that Bibbity says everything I need to hear. Thank God i have the DIL's that i have. I'm joining Nanaandgrampy.

I don't care if she's happy. Her happiness is not my responsibility. My children are my responsibility.

The childminder is not my only childcare.
My parents have them often. They have a fantastic relationship with them both and see them almost weekly. So overall I think they've got the best of all worlds.

I just don't dwell on it anymore. It's better to have no expectations and just to deal with what's in front of me.
The positives that have come from that are wokderful.
He is in a setting where he has thrived. With friends he has had from when he was a small baby who he will now enter school with.
I like to imagine that they will go through school together never knowing a time when they didn't know each other.
To be honest I wouldn't change a thing. It's great and I can't imagine my son being happier.