Strained Relationship with MIL

Does that include your MIL Bibbity? Is she happy with the situation too?

I'm going to bow out of this thread I think .I don't understand some of the rational and to be fair I don't want to.

I get to see my grandkids often , if childcare is needed I do it . I nurture , love and care for them and my daughter's and Sil trust me with their children . I obviously don't live in your world and while I'm sure everyone you care about is fine I'm very glad I live in my world.

It is incredibly sad Bibbity that your MIL isn't to be trusted with her GC. I can't begin to imagine what has brought you all to this sorry stage of affairs.

Not really. My son is very happy. I go to work relaxed and confident knowing that my children are not only safe but neurtured.
All the people who matter are happy.

That is probably one of the saddest things I have ever heard Bibbitty.

NanaandGrampy At one time my sons childminder was a stranger. Over a year on she is one of the most loved, adored and cherished people in his life. And I'm sure my daughter will also share the same relationship with the amazing woman when she joins them in a few months.
I trust her more than my own MIL.
The chidlminder has many son for two full days a week. Which continued while I was on Mat leave.
My MiL has yet to have my son alone.

My MIL may love my son. But I trust the children childminder hell of a lot more than her.

You're also trusting your child to a stranger Purple who , no matter how well vetted is still an unknown quantity and who is caring for your child for money not love .

From the sound of it your Mil would be delighted to help out if ever she was allowed .Isn't she a better choice unless you truly believe she will harm your child.

You have outlined your concerns in detail and I had thought you really were looking for some middle ground until I read your post that listed all the things you would not compromise on. Your Mil doesn't stand a chance does she ?

I think you're absolutely right you both have very different expectations . If you are unwilling to compromise on anything in your list I would suggest being up front with the woman .she might as well know it all now than hope for change .

I will mention it to her (joining GN) she has moved often (partner's work) and she does not have many friends near her and none who have gc. She might find it helpful.

Actually NanaandGrampy there are several advantages to paying for care when I need it. Especially at short notice. I don't have to host them overnight on my couch, my MIL doesn't have to drive all this way, there would be no debate about our parenting decisions and if it doesn't work out I can let them go no hard feelings. It also means I'm not using MIL for free childcare simply for my benefit, something I've noted his mentioned a bit on this forum.

Yes get her to join GN. Then she might be a bit more understanding and be able to reflect on how her behaviour might appear to others. Having a grand child is so exciting that we G.P s can get a bit carried away! do try to build some sort of relationship with her.

Norah - I get your point. A few other posters have suggested I back off and let them handle it. Others have suggested I keep communication lines open and aim to make things better through finding things we can all compromise on.

I'm hoping to do both, if possible.

So you'd recommend a total stranger over a loving but annoying grandmother to care for your pride and joy? Bibbitty???

Worlds gone nuts

I want to clarify that I don't mind someone calling me with no notice for lunch! That's lovely. It's just if I can't make it MIL is very hurt and feels I never make time for her or want her around. So there is a bit of an emotional outburst when I inform her I already have plans.

Somebody mentioned that it is not right to assign labels when you only know half the story. This is so true. I'm trying to be balanced, but of course this is my perspective. Even in the above paragraph perhaps the 'emotional outburst' is, to her, a healthy and normal expression of disappointment.

I think, as many others have suggested, that it is not a case of my being 'right' and she is 'wrong' but rather two people who have very different needs and expectations trying to meet in the middle. Although, I freely admit there is some things I am not willing to not compromise on (how I spend my free time, my right to be alone with my child, right to family time, right to privacy, right to parent my child the way we want etc).

www.childcare.co.uk

Check out this website.
They have Nannies, childminders and ad hoc babysitters.
This means you never have to tolerate someone on the basis you 'might' need them in the future for some babysitting.

PurpleSneakers "RedheadedMommy - I see your point. No, I don't feel MIL understands the damage she is doing. I agree their relationship is really the bedrock.

I will talk to him about it but it is really up to him to manage."

This is the entire point. Hammer meet nail.

RedheadedMommy - I see your point. No, I don't feel MIL understands the damage she is doing. I agree their relationship is really the bedrock. I will talk to him about it but it is really up to him to manage.

Polly Perkins - this is a great idea. I actually used to send photos very frequently but I have really put the breaks on since we visited a cousin(not close) over christmas and found an intimate photo of us in our pjs with LO on her fridge. MIL had printed out a photo we had sent to her alone and given it to cousin (and I don't want to think about who else... I shudder to think there are photos of me relaxed, disheveled (not naked but definitely not decent) on her colleagues desks). We haven't said anything, as I don't want to make a big deal out of every little thing - but we've just reduced the amount of photos and only shared the ones we're happy sharing on social media for example (we don't post a lot on Facebook).

'DH feels she is struggling with the transition from parent to grandparent and she has also damaged their relationship by not respecting his boundaries. He has also reduced contact.'

Has he told her this?
This stuck out like a sore thumb.
I think he needs to talk to her and explain that her not listening is damaging their relationship. Forget your relationship with her and the grandchild for a minute, the relationship between a son and mother is on the rocks.
She isn't really going to see much of her grandchild at all if she keeps pushing him away by not listening to him.

Wow thanks for the responses everyone. I can't reply to each one but let me pull out the important parts.

With respect to drop ins vs arranging visits: This is definitely a matter of personal preference and both are 'right' and 'normal'. My own FOO loved random drop ins, and If they lived nearby I would have to gently advise them DH and I prefer to schedule. For me calling ahead to work out a convenient time, is respectful of our time and our space and it means I can work out a time that allows MIL to have time with her GC when he is awake, when I'm actually free and when she can have time with him without one of my many friends being present too. PP is right I don't have to worry about drop ins from my mil (about 10 hours drive away), but she is fond of calling to advise she will be in town for a visit, for example
"I'm coming into your town tomorrow lets do lunch" and she is always put out and surprised to find I have plans. If I don't have plans I do meet up but being a busy mum who likes to get out of our tiny house - I often have plans right at the time she wants to visit. I wish she would give me more notice so I could arrange things better. Sometimes I'm just tired and don't feel up to company. That is my choice.

We do make the effort to meet halfway and we visit her town 1-2 a year.

A few comments have implied or stated I may be influencing DH. This is simply not the case. You may be projecting your own situation here or are unwilling to take AC at their word.

I agree that grandparents are not a 'treat', although that is not an awful role to fill! However, when a relationship is strained as ours has become there is naturally less contact.

I feel uneasy at the thought of 'keeping sweet' to ensure MIL is likely to provide favours/help at a later stage when I might need it, as some have suggested. This doesn't sit right with me. It is one thing to build bridges to improve relationships and another to tolerate exhausting behaviour purely to benefit at a later date. I'm sure MIL would be very upset to be 'tolerated'.

In regard to PP who find my cold or distant, well, different strokes for different folks... I am quiet and reserved and very happy in my own skin. MIL and I don't need to agree on everything or like the same things to have a great relationship! These comments seem to imply because of my nature my concerns aren't valid. Only valuing the opinions of people who share your point of view is a dangerous path to take IMO.

Can I ask how would you like to be spoken to (as MIL) if this was your situation?

* concrete
* future!

I really wish GN would let us edit posts!

Has your husband thought of stating a congregate boundary for example 'mum do not come to our house unannounced' and then if she crosses that boundary he can enforce and action. So he could say 'mum as you didn't respect my boundary you are not allowed to my home for the next 2 months'
This not only ensures she hears you loud and clear and so in the furtive can't complain that she never knew what happened but also gives your DH some breathing space so she doesn't make him snap.
It may take a village but you are the chief

That's a very sweeping statement Grannygrunt. The OP sounds very thoughtful to me - her intention appears to be to reach a compromise, not to be horrible to anyone.

Why are our children so horrible to us. They're all on the same road as us. Wonder how they'll feel when their children treat them as they treat us?

I really don't 'get' that 'grandchildren are not for sharing' as if they are some sort of commodity.

A myriad of research has established that good, kind grandparents add another dimension to GC's lives and are of enormous benefit in terms of love and caring.
And, before anyone challenges this, I DO mean the good ones.

It amazes me when I hear of cases where a GP has very limited access to GC
until mum returns to work and then needs some childcare after school and in the school holidays. Sitting with a friend in a coffee shop a while back, she was bemoaning the fact that she had to jump through hoops to see her DGC. Just at that moment she received a text saying 'Would you like to see the kids?' Immediately my friend texted back that she would love to and when would be convenient. Back came a text 'Can you come now as I want to go to the gym but my friend can't watch them.' Funny that. Can you guess what my friend did?

Norah. You obviously have a large family with AC, GC and GGC. And I guess you don't have to 'ask' if you can see them. How wonderful that must be but, spare a thought for GP with only one or two AC and maybe only one GC - that's a whole different ballgame...

Thank you Polly, yes the reward comment was a metaphor and I did try to explain it by saying "rewarding", like doing a day's gardening is rewarding. I wasn't talking about receiving any recompense for good behaviour!