Strained Relationship with MIL

Sorry didnt check last sentence! I meant its an idea for more frequent but less intrusive communication.
Flippin phone with fiddly little keyboard!

Every family is different and there are many points of view depending on family traditions, personalities and proximity or otherwise of grandchildren. Ths is obvious from the varied comments here.
It's hard to know what the Op and her MiL are really like - we are only getting one side of the story so I'm not keen on the use of adjectives such as 'cold' and 'overbearing'. Also I think some have been a bit harshtowards Lillie and also Norah just because they dont agree with that point of view. I dont think Lillie meant literally that access to grandchildren is a reward for good behaviour! It's a reasonable metaphor : as in if you work hard you will be rewarded by doing better in tests; if you are sensitive to DiL s feelings and wishes you will be rewarded by more frequent invitations. Makes sense to me!
Purple Does your MiL use a computer/smart phone? I find that communicatig by email/text/whatsapp is great. You dont feel you are bothering them when they are busy and they can send photos of GC which is lovely (and you can show your friends !!)
Its sn udea fir mire frequent but less inteusive. Communication.

Well purple sneakers I don't know if you are still reading these replies there are a lot of them. I do however without wanting to seem patronising at all really admire you for having the courage to post the issue and therefore gain an understanding of others perspective. I so wish my own DIL had done the same 10 years ago. It could have been her describing me in some ways...not all! but- from her perspective but nothing could have been further from the truth re who I am and what I would wish for my family. I am a mother to 2 sons ( stayed at home for 9 years) then developed a highly successful career. BUT when it came to seeing my first grandchild I didn't think I could love anyone as much as I did him. I lived 200 miles away so all I wanted was to see him every couple of months and to love him ( not smother him- I hadn't my own sons ) I wont bore you with the rest of the story but it has been a difficult relationship and my son isn't as close as he used to be...BUT we are all still in there, I do have my grandchildren here ( now 11 & 8 ) for little holidays and I have seen them with gaps of anything from 6 weeks to 3 months in that time.....BUT we are so close and we love each other....that's all you ever want as a grandma is to love and be loved. I hope you can talk, we haven't been able to , I have just stayed in there and sensed when things might be Ok. Not what I wanted but such is life. You have time to save this relationship- whatever your MIL is like the kids can only benefit in the long term....and I hope so will you. The very best to such a brave mum

I don't believe in the "it takes a village" bit, I believe it only takes dedicated parents. Parents who do not have to "share" what's theirs by virtue of parenthood. I know we don't "share" our GC and GCC, we are at the edges not in the middle of the mix. Been there done that, we're just GPs now.

Who said anything about GP's having a share in their GC, until you did Norah? What some of us are saying is that contact with GP's shouldn't be regarded as a reward, emotional or otherwise, for behaviour perceived as acceptable by parents. I've lost count of the number of times I've read that P's don't have a right to see their AC and be a part of their lives, that parents don't 'own' their children. Yet when it suits, and it usually seems to be the case when an AC has, or is thinking of limiting contact between GP's and their GC, it suddenly becomes acceptable.

Why when a GP offers to have their GC for an overnight stay is it often regarded by some as an expectation Ilovecheese? Why can't it be seen for what it is, an offer of help and support? "In their sole care or for overnight visits without their parents"; we're talking about GC staying with their GP's for goodness sake, not staying with strangers.

My brother and I regularly stayed with GP's when our parents weren't there. We have friends whose GC regularly stay with them overnight to give their parents a break and when the offer is made, it's met with appreciation and without sinister under tones.

I have to disagree * Norah* in our family at least we do 'share' the grandchildren.

It takes a village to raise a child and we bring something quite different to the table and my daughters are wise enough to recognise that. We have the time that can be in short supply for them , we have the patience to do some things that cannot be fitted into a busy working families lifestyle.

We are also excellent support for emergencies - the children know us well, have their things here and consider our house interchangeable with theirs.

My daughters and their husbands make all the decisions pertaining to the children of course but there's no reason for it to be a them and us situation.

At the end of the day we all want the same thing - happy , cared for , loved grandchildren.

PurpleSneakers, you sound lovely to me: thoughtful and sensitive. I'm one of the 'constantly learning' MiLs and eggshells or zips are a permanent part of my survival kit. I find being a GP an absolute joy (much to my surprise) and sometimes overwhelming. I'm regularly frustrated by the gap between meetings but I live with it and pretty much drop everything (they don't know this, of course) when an opportunity of a get together is presented in whatever shape or form. I have a hankering towards the idea of trying to have a nice lunch for just the two of you. I find these helpful. If one works then you go on to try for another. If not, forget it. Bonding for clashing personalities is a challenge always but what could be better as the common thread than a wonderful and well loved child between you. That's the best foundation I can think of. Good luck.

Of course it's up to mum and dad to decide if they want to allow access, the children are theirs not something shared. I don't own a share in my GC, their are fully my dds and sils children. How silly it sounds to say that parents don't decide for their under age children.

NanaGrampy
You mirrored my thoughts.
Grandchildren can be a joy and whatever opinion I had of my MIL changed when I observed the difference her grandchildren made to our DIL V MIL relationship
A grandchild should be a regular part of a grandparents life not as a 'treat' decided by mum and dad.

Purplesneakers. Congratulations on becoming a mum! Would it help to arrange for MIL to stay overnight once every month/ two months? She would then know the timetable and would have something to look forward to You would know after a visit that you had a certain length break before she comes again. Could this keep everyone happy? Good luck with improving things.

Purplesneakers, you sound lovely, maybe shy or introverted, but your own person, not cold.

Step far back and let your DH sort out his OTT mum, this is not your problem. This is his responsibility as she is his overbearing obnoxious mum, not your mum.

I also don't understand the expectation that grandparents wish to have grandchildren in their sole care or for overnight stays without their parents.
I wonder if that is because I only have daughters. I have looked after two grandchildren on their own one day a week until they went to school, but that was because my daughter had gone back to work . Before she went back to work she would come with the children and I really enjoyed that time with her.

I have never had time alone with my latest grandchild who is 13 months old, because my daughter has been on maternity leave and it has been lovely to have seen more of her, as well as Baby.

Is that because they are my daughters and not daughters in law do you think?

Purple Sneakers sounds a very thoughtful and kind person, not cold at all.

Purplesneakers.I had always viewed my mother in law as a cold distant person and more than happy to see her only son remain single and for him come running and be at her beck and call when ever it suited.That is until he became my husband and she had grand children.She changed overnight.I only had to say the word and she was there.Having two babies close and moving some distance away, my mother worked, MIL could never do enough for me She adored her grandchildren and I let her take over We became closer.I do not know why you do not want that attachment with your MIL.Your child as he grows older will sense your reactions and be aware of any hostility to his gran.For his sake can you not see it in yourself to start building bridges.?

Purplesneakers , I feel very sorry for your MIL . She sounds like a lovely, warm person who is trying, against the odds, to have a relationship with her first GC .
I have a GS who is 6 weeks old so know where she is coming from . I am blessed to have a warm and thoughtful DIL who has encouraged a close relationship from the first day he was born. She values the love that I show my GS , encourages contact because a child needs as much love from as many people as possible . You do come across as quite cold and unemotional whether you mean to or not .

Of course he will be his own person. With his own personality (not mine!) and I imagine her excitement will ease over time but I do worry her OTT tendencies will overwhelm a small child.

He may love her OTT tendencies - as long as they are not all day every day!
I think my DGC's other grannies are more exuberant and outgoing than me and I envy them that (although one is very OTT) but I tend to do other things with them like cooking or crafts which don't interest the other grans. Although I have been known to play football and go on the zipwire!

You will have to attempt to strike the right balance re visiting and perhaps you or your DH can explain very nicely and calmly it is because you are trying to get baby into a good routine - and ask her to run it by you, please, before she brings other people to your house.

I'm sure DiLs are different from DDs, N&G, I have both! I'm certain things are said about me in DS's house, but I refuse to be different towards one set of GCs than the others. Like you, they all beg to come to our house or to go on holiday with us (and that's the parents too1)

It's just a totally foreign concept to me Lillie .

I wonder if the difference is I only have daughters so our relationship is ongoing and pretty much unchanged. Maybe it's the new relationship of DiL/MiL where issues arise?

"You make Grandparents sounds like well trained pets."

Woof, woof, N&G. I meant "emotionally rewarded" by having the GCs in their lives whether it's every day or from a distance.

Frankly I find your comments about your MIL awful. The fact that she's different from you doesn't make her a bad MIL. 'Smothering' or 'distant' ...... In your opinion. Perhaps others might describe her as effervescent and warm! And you as cold and indifferent.

Some DILs fill their husbands heads with complaints about their MILs and for a quiet life the men go along with it.

Which is why a sensible MIL knows her place ..... And is one step ahead ..... Especially when the babies come along. We may say nothing to our cold and indifferent in-laws but we sure can think what we like.

Never forget that a most MILs already have sons and daughters so aren't looking for extras. It's not a competition to be the 'favourite' in your husband's life. It would be a huge mistake to make him choose!

It's good to see from your posts PurpleSneakers that although you're finding your m.i.l.'s desire to see and help care for her GC over bearing, you also want to handle the situation with compassion and understanding.

You said in an earlier post that her tendency to be over bearing is noted by her other AC and they're relieved that it's you whose had the first GC. I wonder then if her approach has taken you and your DH completely by surprise or if to some extent you hadn't seen this coming. I also wonder if the intensity of her questioning has always been a factor but with your hands full with your first child, you are more aware of it than you were in the past.

I remember before our first GC was born, my friends telling me I'd probably be taken aback by the overwhelming love I'd feel the first time I ever saw him. They were right, even though they'd told me, it still took me by complete surprise; it will have been the same for your m.i.l. too.

Although not wanted at the moment, there may come a time when you will be grateful of her offer to do overnight baby sitting, giving you and your DH a well deserved rest, possibly giving you the chance to have a night away. There is a degree of geographical distance so that prevents her from popping in unannounced and/or uninvited so it's not as if you have no way of tempering her enthusiasm. I appreciate that long 'phone calls can be as infuriating as unexpected visitors, but at least when on the 'phone you can easily bring the conversation to an end by saying 'I've got to go, there's someone at the door; I was just on my way out; the baby's crying'.

I was upset to read that your DH has "reduced contact". Does her over enthusiasm and her inability to recognise this in herself, as annoying as it must be, really necessitate her having reduced contact with her son? Wont this make the matter worse, fueling insecurities and intensifying her need for contact?

I'm sticking my head above the parapet and joining you NannandGrampy regarding Lillie's post. GC aren't treats to be dolled out as a reward for what their parents perceive to be 'good behaviour' on the part of the GP's. Perhaps if that's how they're sometimes viewed, that's why some are taken away from their GP's as a punishment for what parents regard as 'bad behaviour'.

Please be careful. Almost 5 years ago our ES told us he needed 'some space', we gave it. Seven months later we were cut out of his and our only GC's lives; that was 4.5 years ago. Rather than reducing contact, keep the lines of communication open, no matter how frustrating that may be.

I hope you'll be able to find a way of working through your difficulties that enables all of you to enjoy this relatively new addition to your family. I hope too, that if she isn't already aware of her d.i.l.'s kindness and her willingness to find the best possible outcome, one day she'll know how fortunate she is that you are that d.i.l.

How sad these stories are . My son and his wife live in the flat below us with their two children and one of the things we all agreed from the beginning is that we are separate homes with separate ways of doing things and we operate by texting or phone each other to make arrangements etc. I also decided from day one that I would not ever offer unsolicited advice to them re bringing up the kids, and I have tried to offer help when I felt it would be appreciated and that is all. We are very lucky because so far things are a huge pleasure and the kids free flow between our floor and their own but always their mother asks permission.

For sure problems arise and there are times when my very different way with kids to their leads to her asking me to change the way I do this or that. Occasionally I bridle but I always agree because in the end the relationship is the most important thing.

I don't for a moment say I am particularly marvellous or virtuous and obviously I don't have the thing of feeling if only they lived closer.... but my other son, now expecting, lives in Spain and I know I shall see far less of their child, but I hope I can handle that OK.
For grandparents grandkids are, of course, a wonderful gift into life at our late stage, but we have to understand that our children have lives to live at a different tempo and I guess the best way is to make them feel much appreciated during visits, and explain this. Easier said than done I am sure.

Think you are right N&G, families need to accommodate each other and respect the differences. A frank and honest talk is needed. Family support is invaluable as PS will come realise when there are difficult times.

Relatingy to my previous post. Guess what car is outside my neighbours house? I will give you a clue....its a large white one.

How right you are ajanela I realised early on that the inlaw/outlaw children were coming from very different upbringings, not right or wrong just different, so sometimes you think you are all thinking the same way then you get a rude shock. Even when we thought one inlaw family were just like us in way of life it turned out differently.

I read your post Lillie....

I think we all have to look at ourselves to understand each situation, but on the whole supportive, loving, unselfish GPs are rewarded by having quality time with their GCs.

You make Grandparents sounds like well trained pets .

Maybe it's the phrase ' are rewarded by' but I am horrified by the picture this conjures up.

So , as long as the OPs MiL does as she's told, doesn't offer unsolicited advice, totally winds in her desire to see/ be with / communicate with her family she might be rewarded by being included?

I am going to stick my head totally above the parapet here ( so donning hard hat and flak jacket I am SOOOOOOO glad this is not my family . My family welcome my advice ( they don't always take it but that's the right thing) , I am not 'rewarded' by time with grandchildren , I am an integral part of their lives and family. ( I recognise how lucky I am ! ) . They have always , since being new borns ( and the oldest is now 10) had sleepovers or day visits to give their often, exhausted parents a break.

I think I'm quite an opinionated woman ( see above ) but I have individual, loving relationships with all 4 grandchildren. Not one is overwhelmed by me as each relationship is different dependent on the child. I think I can say this because they beg to come and visit or stay, if they didn't enjoy our time together I don't think that would be the case.

I think the OP needs a heart to heart with her MiL , their expectations are diagonally opposed so they are both going to be disappointed. Set the expectations , then no one will be hurt/angry/shut out. She's the grandmother not the enemy .