Strained Relationship with MIL

Speaking as a gm who would never push or cross boundaries like your mil does - If dh got little or no results when talking with his mom, then I doubt any further discussion will help. That's true, imo, even if she finally gave in when she saw he was really angry. For that reason, I think you and dh should keep things as they are now. Sure, mil "means well" and it's very lovely of you to understand that. But you have enough on your hands with a 9 month old baby, etc. If things are working for you and dh as they are, let it be.

I am a retired Health visitor having qualified in 1970 and retired in 2007. I took time out to care for my DD and lived abroad for a number of years so I did do other things. At the end of my career I ran, with a young breast feeding councillor an antinatal class for grand mother's to be. In 40 years things had changed so much but the grandmothers respected what we said because I knew where they were coming from. There was much laughter with my "no you can't do that anymore". But at least they left the group aware that things would not be as they expected and were able to share with their peers.

I also married into a Latin family "your home is their home" and this takes some adjustment. When a couple get together even if their families lived in the same street it is a merging of 2 cultures but unfortunately families don't recognise this.

Norah - that sounds very respectful - I'm sure you are rewarded with more genuine interactions

I guess I need to focus on one thing first and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future (but be aware nonetheless).

swji1 - I'm sure she does appreciate it!

I wish my MIL knew that even though she feels I never call her, after my husband she is the person I speak to most on the phone. Not that I want to mind, I don't much like talking on the phone but I get that it is important to her.

I do believe you should concern yourself with MIL overwhelming your child. Children are people too, they have their own personality and few like to be over run by GPs. It makes them nervous and anxious, at least it does mine. I always sit back and silently wait for my GC reaction, pushing no agenda, then I know I'm not forcing but doing what the GC want.

It is basically very difficult when two people have different expectations of their relationship. Your MIL thinks she should be closely involved with the upbringing of your child and look after him on her own while you go out and overnight. You see it rather differently.

I have 3 DDs and my relationship with their children is as different as they are. But I am happy with all of them - they have their own ways of doing things and we have to respect that.

It puzzles me that grandmothers expect to be having a child overnight or to have them in their sole care at times, especially when they are so little. I do not think that should be an expectation, or that it is sad if it does not happen.

It is of course lovely when you are able to develop your own close relationship with a GC, but they are not your children and you should not expect this. Treat it as a bonus if it happens that way.

If your MIL is constantly feeling aggrieved that she does not have these things, then she will waste the time when she is with you all in feeling dissatisfied.

It is not her place to ask to do these things; it is your place to ask her if and when you wish to.

Show her this post!!!

I recognise how important the grandparent/gc relationship is. I would like them to enjoy each other but I'm very nervous (in the long term) if MIL might also overwhelm my son with her intensity?

Of course he will be his own person. With his own personality (not mine!) and I imagine her excitement will ease over time but I do worry her OTT tendencies will overwhelm a small child.

Probably not something I need to concern myself with. Right?

Oh dear, when I read this thread I wondered if the MiL could be me! My DiL lives abroad and I do find it very difficult to strike the right balance. when we visit. She comes over as quite distant at times and I'm sure she finds me a little overpowering when we stay with them (there is plenty of room and we sleep in the basement! I love helping out and getting involved with the everyday domestic routines with my GC (toddlers) but I often feel I am intruding. DS is fine but tends to opt out of the domestic front.
I've come to the conclusion that the relationships between her family are very different from ours and I have to respect that. However I do find I am always walking on eggshells and I suspect my anxiety about 'getting it right' just irritates her further! You sound very aware PurpleSneakers, and you are right in that your MiL means well - and that can only be a good thing. All I can say is that to exclude her will make everything much worse! Do try and talk to her at some point so she knows how you feel about the situation and has the opportunity to change her ways. I try and go out with my DiL, just the two of us, and treat her to a meal so that she doesn't feel I just come to see the GC and DS. Not sure if it works but I am trying!

Maggie - I'm going to refrain from giving a number as it will no doubt incite cries of "that's harassment" or "I speak to my mil twice that amount" depending on your preference. I can say that myself and DH find it too much and MIL finds it not enough - and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

Jaycee5 - eek... I can imagine the awkwardness of saying no to that client

Shame on him for asking you and putting you in that position. I hope his son is not going through life with the family lawyers being involved at every upset!

Purplesneakers please keep communication channels open. If your family live abroad then your mil can help you if not now, then in the future.
The relationship between grandchildren and grandparents is so special, do not deprive your mil or your child of that. Your mil appears to want to be involved and Its possible She hAs raised expectations because her friends may see a lot of their grabdchildren and are very involved.
I have a neighbour whose daughter visits almost every day and have to confess to wondering at times why this is not the case with my daughter who comes over
Much less often. Its a standing joke when we see the big white car outside.
You are all learning different roles, if this us your mil first grandchild give her a bit of a break. Its so wonderful and such a joy. She is learning too, which is why communication is so important.

I am a retired lawyer and I understand the problem.
I was once asked by a client to write a letter to the parents of a boy who was bullying his son. I tried to persuade him that it was not the right way to deal with it as the letterheading alone makes it hostile but he was adamant and I couldn't really refuse as frankly it was the middle of a recession and he was the source of most of my work. It was the hardest thing I ever had to write and I spent most of a weekend on it as I knew that if I didn't get the tone right his son could end up getting battered. He told me later that it had worked but in hindsight I'm still not sure that I should have written it.
Letters do sometimes work though when the personal approach has failed. There seems to be a different psychology that comes into play.

How frequent are the visits, phone calls and offers of help that are upsetting you? It's difficult for some new, doting grandmas to strike a balance between being thought uncaring and being seen as overbearing.

Polly - I can definitely see how hard it must be as a new gran. It must seem like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Especially the DIL/MIL relationship where you don't have the intimacy and history of immediate family to smooth out the bumps.

Lulu - this is spot on!

ps my mil took no interest at all which also brings its own problems.

O'h dear this new gran has got it bad, she loves your baby and everything she used to do is coming back to her and she is one of those grans who feels the need to pass it all on, show off your baby to all and sundry and generally go over the top. I'm not sure but it sounds like she is not nasty to you at all so yes a chat could be good perhaps a set time when she could see you both, later a set time to babysit to try and help her work out the boundaries a bit. I know its difficult for you but like you she hasn't done this before and is getting it wrong, maybe she realises maybe not. I like the letter idea but eventually someone is going to have to slow her down.

We hear so
Many people on this forum who are experiencing the other side of this situation. Thrilled an excitedabout birth of first grandchild, looking forward eagerly to helping/ babysitting only to be rebuffed by (usually) DiL . They back away bewildered and upset not knowing what they've done wrong.
My DiL fell out with her own mother who admittedly did come across as critical (though I'm sure she was just trying to help). Ideas have changed over the years and it's hard when you have brought up your own children to accept that things are sometimes done dfferently nowadays. The only solution I can see is for you (or your DH?) to gently explain that you find her attention and advice rather smothering and that you are happy to see her (and for her to see the baby) regularly but on your terms,.
We grandparents often feel we are treading on eggshells and sometimes have to be sensitive and zip our mouths when we are dying to give advice/help. It's vey hard!

I think you should continue talking with DH until you're in agreement, total agreement on the amount of contact. Going forward, very low contact seems a reasonable approach, allowing DH to carry the burden of his overbearing intrusive mum.

Good point. A letter shoved in a drawer is a better option than boring my friends, snapping at MIL or unloading on DH.

Hi PurpleSneakers...it sounds as though your MiL needs to join this forum..

My DD has similar issues with her MIL, who spends her time giving contradictory and unasked for advice on how she and her son should be bringing up their, 6 month old, baby. Her attitude is totally alienating my daughter and the situation is getting worse. I wish I could act as a peacemaker, but also find her attitude totally antagonising. So far my daughter has resorted to writing, unsent, letters expressing her feelings, it helps distress her.

I'm a lawyer - I think the way I write is coming across a little officious (blame it on years of writing and editing contracts)

Thank you Jaycee5 - this is a very thoughtful approach

Thanks cornergran - this really resonated with me: 'stay patient, hold firm on boundaries and find ways that she can help' - I think this will really help.

Jalima - my house is tiny (two bedrooms) and my parents are coming along with my sister, her husband and two nieces - a hotel works for them.

'Prickly' implies I take offence easily - which isn't the case. I do accept I am not an easy going, whatever goes sort of person but I'm here to find a compromise or way forward that is sustainable. However, cornergran has suggested on just thinking about the short term, while he is still a baby and we're figuring things out. This may be a better option then trying to 'lay down the law' so to speak.

I think that you should write a letter setting out the ways in which you find the relationship difficult. Then put it in a drawer for a few days. Then take it out and if you want to send it, re-write it imagining yourself as the recipient. Then show it to your husband and ask him how he feels about you sending it.
You really have three choices: trying to solve the problem knowing that it might work or might make it worse; trying to avoid contact totally; or just gritting your teeth and bearing it. None are right or wrong, just what you can live with.

My DD lives overseas and I would so love her to have found 'another mother' in her MIL!

Why are your parents staying in a hotel when they come?
Are you that private a person that even your own parents don't stay at your house?

I understand you don't want to be overwhelmed by unsolicited advice from MIL but you sound rather prickly if you don't mind me saying.
Try to reach a compromise.